7 Nov 2016

°Blue lips, blue veins°

°Two birds on a wire
One tries to fly away
And the other
Watches him close
From that wire
He says he wants to as well
But he is a liar°

I have done it. I have finally done it. I am floating on air, being all happy and smiley, listening to the songs that are making me dance, even if no one is watching. Or even if everyone is watching – who cares? I’m like that bird from the wire, I’m flying. Maybe not very far and maybe there are no rainbows and unicorns underneath me, but I can sense I am able to breath and I am able to enjoy the sacred laughter of the rain.

I went to Regina Spektor’s concert on Tuesday and it blew me away. Especially when at the very end of it she sat down at her piano and started the last song of her performance: “You are my sweetest downfall…I loved you first. I loved you first”, I almost teared up. Oh Samson..

°I”ll believe it all
There’s nothing I won’t understand
I’ll believe it all
I won’t let go of your hand°

After walking down the memory lane and reading the old long lost letter to a friend, I remembered it all. Strange how only 6 years have passed, but so many negative, or maybe positive, who’s to say [?], have faded away or got dusted. And now it all came back to me, the feeling, the trembling, the fear in your eyes and the shocking calmness in mine. I have felt every possible emotion: anger, disappointment, humiliation, fear, you name it, and it really cracked me, changed me if you will. I don’t think it was the same person who came through that door on the first day, because I was already a different woman when I closed them behind me.

And now I signed up for this ride again. Surely, I signed up for it before I dusted my memories, but now even if excited, I am still a little worried – what if going round and round in circles the history will repeat itself again? My gut is telling to walk it off and that it will all be okay in the end, but that I already know. What I need now is to know if it is going to be okay in 39-43 days. But jury is still out on this one. They should be back any minute now. I have the feeling they will come back in around 41 days. Let’s see.

°Two birds on a wire
One says come on
And the other says
I’m tired
The sky is overcast
And I’m sorry
One more or one less
Nobody’s worried°

It was snowing today. I’ve been listening to Moloko – the time is now.mp3 once again [after 6 years. Coincidence? I think not] and thinking of life. Mine, yours, hers and Romeo’s. Many pictures flashed before me, going in circles faster and faster, not stopping at any particular picture, however some faces seem to be brighter than the others.

It would have never changed, right? I may have naively hoped for something that will never happen. Like a snow storm in the summer or not being cheated on by life.

°Two birds of a feather
Say that they’re always
Gonna stay together
But one’s never goin’ to
Let go of that wire
He says that he will
But he’s just a liar°

It struck me like a lighting and now I understand the situation or who you remind me of. Surely, many different details, but it’s just like a re-written book. Just like then, I will fly, you will stay and my happiness will be your price.

I don’t know, maybe you will be happy. But there will always be something missing. And that wire, it will hurt to hang on, but the fear of letting go will be too frightening. Like the monster under your bed. Until you make an attempt to befriend him. Although, you will probably never know, because you never allowed the monster close enough to get to know him, like really. Just like you refused to let me in. I might be thankful for that now.

It may have felt like escaping the box and then finding yourself in another, bigger box. Still no grey sky to explore and lose yourself.

°Two birds on a wire
One tries to fly away
And the other
Watches him close
From that wire
He says he wants to as well

But he is a liar°



17 Oct 2016

°Three strokes and the Love cats°

°I leave you and marry him for money
Cause baby I will never take a job

But wait for me cause when I get my money
Ill kill him and marry you for love°

I don't know how I feel about anything anymore. The insomnia seems to have left me, giving me very much needed sleep, but the uneasy feeling is still there. Am I missing something? Did I forget to do something? I don't know. 

I found this song that I've been listening for straight 10 days or so and it literally draws me into it. The lyrics are weird, to say the least, but that sound.. That harmonized sound that gets you high just by listening to it.. And I really wanted to go to the concert, so imagine my happiness when I found one in Stockholm! But then as it turns out, I mixed the year. So stupid. Well, I will keep hoping, because at the moment I can only imagine how freeing it would be to hear it being performed live.

°But I need my sushi roles
My lower east side haircut
I need my snakeskinboot
And coco channel shades°

The casino at the end of the world seems very deserted. Only a few ghostly people are wandering around, almost no one is betting. The house is almost ready to let you win, I can feel it in my bones, so I place a small bet. The one you never wanted me to leave on the table. But you don't call the shots anymore. And so I do. And so I win. But the house will never let me get out of the casino with it. While it's re-stacking the deck, I need to make another bet. And then I lose. 

It's not really surprising anymore, right? Yet, I'm shocked. Mostly, because I knew it all along and I still went for it. Oh well.

°I need my taxi cabs
My 18 carat Jesus
I need my night-wood blues
My pool side chardonnay°

Do not fall asleep, Romeo. That's when they come to get us. I cannot keep the watch all the time. I need your help. And it's not just about holding my hand, I need more actions. Just do it, for me? I'll beg if I have to and you know better than anyone else how much I dislike the begging process.

°And will call us crazy
But it’s just business baby
Love. Love’s a Broadway show

And if you want my heart
I will play that part
But nothing’s gonna keep me broke°

I cannot say I know how this whole thing will be played out, and I am a little interested. However I know that one of the bridges has been burnt, and there is some smoke coming out of the other one. Will it collapse? Will it be the end of it? Maybe. And I might be okay with it, after all, I have gathered all the puzzle pieces now, I can see the bigger picture. It ain't a pretty picture, but with the ongoing fight with the world, I don't suppose I could have expected anything better.

°So leave me and marry him for money
So kill him and marry me for love°

The kickboxing seems to be helping a lot in every way possible. It's not only burning the fat or making me stronger, mentally and physically, but it also is bringing some piece and understanding of how little and small and insignificant we all are. And so it does not matter. For the universe, it is just too small of the reactions. It's just peanuts, write it off, don't even ask. It will be okay with the boss.

°We will have our Hendricks gin
Our rooftop conversations
We need our oh oh oh’s
To get us through the day°

Less than 4 weeks left. Stephanie is already packing her high heels that I keep telling her she won't need, but she is even more stubborn than me. She is very excited about the white beaches and tanned bodies. Who knows, maybe with the help of kickboxing we will finally have a body to kill for, just to make some people jealous while enjoying the sun and the Tuesday's margaritas.

A little runaway escape before the big storm. Or after? I am not sure which one will hit harder, but when it does, it's too late to think of it anymore.

°If you want my heart
I take credit cards
Nothing’s gonna keep me broke°


3 Oct 2016

°Down on the West Coast°

°When we first came here
We were cold and we were clear
With no colours in our skin
We were light and paper thin°

I can’t seem to be able to shake off the trembles since the moment I awoke myself this morning at 4 a.m. I cannot explain it and I am not trying to pretend to have a sixth sense or anything, but something is bothering me and it is not going away. I cannot put my finger on it or figure out what it is. I know it is not a panic attack, more like a gut feeling. And I know, if it’s a gut, then it’s the intestines, so it’s probably sh*t.. It still feels like my heart will jump out of the rib cage any minute now, though.

°And when we first came here
We were cold and we were clear
With no colours in our skin
‘Til we let the spectrum in°

I did lots and lot of shopping this weekend. Visited countless number of shops, bought many items of different kinds, I even treated myself, because after all, I am the most important person in my life and I should not let myself to forget that. So I’ll be pretty, even if for no one else to see.

I even finally bought the tickets for the local flights in the Philippines for my holidays. One step closer to the 2 weeks in the paradise, which hopefully will not turn into hell as it often likes. I forgot to eat though, I did not think I was capable of that, but I guess when you are really tired, anything is possible.

And I finally got a light installed in my living room. It’s been around 15 months and I still wouldn’t have it if not for people who care if I have light or not more than I, apparently. I’m still getting used to it, forgetting to light it from time to time, but as the autumn’s darkness and rains approaches, I will have all the opportunities to try it out and again more often.

°Say my name
And every color illuminates
We are shining
And we will never be afraid again°

I should have known that this was always a crash and burn case. I mean, I kind of knew it all along, I just somehow either thought I am stronger than I actually am or I was still holding onto that hope, that crashed and burnt many times before, but somehow, every single time, manages to survive, recover and like a brave warrior, go back into the battle field. Just like the little dwarf with dust shoes, who went to the road to fight for love.

Even having a definite written ending to it, I was somehow hoping I will get some more time and space to enjoy it. Just one more moment, one more night, one more week, one more lifetime… The little backpack girl is very much alive and I am very glad and grateful for it. Because no matter what, no matter how strong the crash, she will always have that phone booth that she will return to make a phone call. Once again.

°And when we come for you
We’ll be dressed up all in blue
With the ocean in our arms
Kiss your eyes and Kiss your palms°

It has always been too late. I knew it, but I tried to convince either myself or the world that this time it is different. Yet I could see the situation unrolling in the exact same pace as so many times before.

`My love has a time limit. Let me rephrase that – our love has a time limit`.

When most of your life happened on the road, even after you settle, you cannot help but view everything that is happening around you from the different angle glasses. You cannot afford to be slow, you cannot afford to restrict yourself, you don’t want to hold yourself back. And so you do – one or ten things that scares your every, you allow yourself to take it all in, to feel, to experience, to fall in love, because you know that tomorrow it might all be gone, because it is all so fragile and temporary.

`She follows her heart <…> Like a map to her soul <…> A reminder she must let go.. And she goes`  

I don’t think it is possible to understand how this type of mindset works, unless experienced yourself. It’s both a curse and a blessing – depends how you choose to look at it.

I take it as a burning blessing.

°And when it’s time to pray
We’ll be dressed up all in grey
With metal on our tongues
And silver in our lungs°

All I asked was all the information presented and not to be lied to. And now it feels like I’m being lied to. I can be wrong of course, been before. And I would really really hope that I am wrong this time. Because I definitely do not want to be lied to about this. Or now.

It would spoil the fantasy. Not even talking about how bitter the crashing and burning would become. On the other hand, it would speed up the spring cleaning.

It all comes down to the perspective and how you choose to take things. And I am really trying not to lose my rationality. Think about it, just few years ago in the identical situation I have made many more mistakes. I guess I am learning.

Romeo, I am building the craving to write you a letter. The one that will never be sent. The one that will never be shared. The long one, hand written. I feel like before I can move on, I need to write it all down. And then not to press button. You told me this once: `They all regret. You will too`. But, will I?

°And when we come back we’ll be dressed in black
And you’ll scream my name aloud
And we won’t eat and we won’t sleep

We’ll drag bodies from a ground°



27 Sep 2016

°Cherry crumble pie and mint tea°

°Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again°

I am having one of those days. One of those bad days. And I used to think that it only happens to weak people. But now it is happening to me, and I know I am not weak. So I guess it can happen to anyone at any time. You just have to sit there at take the punch from the world. 

Aren't we done yet, world? I'm waving the white flags and anything else I can thing of. Could you please give me a break?

At least I have started kickboxing lessons. They will teach me to take a punch. They are already teaching me that. And I am taking those punches like a big girl. Yet, again, once the pain penetrates inside of me, there is no other way but to release the silent scream, the cry for help. The cry that will never be heard by anyone who would be able to give a comforting hug. This sucks.

°Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again°

It pains me, if I have to be honest. And surely, it may not be as bad as it seems, but it still pains me to the core of my heart. There are not many people to make me feel alive, so once I meet one, I try to stick to it. Unfortunately, I am covered with Teflon, which makes you slide and go away. Just like the wind.

I know, I know, I brought it on myself. Not helping though. This part of me will never die, and I am grateful. It's just the pain that follows is something I do not welcome. But then it comes, it comes.

°Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again°

Stephanie probably had it all right from the very start. Obsess with purses and high heels and low calorie drinks and nothing else. Maybe I should try to be more like my schizophrenian side kick, more drama, true, but a different kind of drama. The one where no one gets hurt. Only the wallet.

I think I just heard my heart crack.

°However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you°

OFF Topic

I always wondered, if it's possible to have a love affair that lasts forever. 

And now I know the answer. I went to the casino at the end of the world. It's been rebuilt, quite fast and efficiently. However I am finding myself at the same poker table, with the same deck of cards that's been stacked once again and I am still finding myself in the same miserable situation. I don't want to bet anymore, I've got nothing else left. I placed my cards on the table, there is no more place to hide. I know I've lost. I always knew I would lose, the odds were never in my favour, yet again, the optimistic and naive me was still betting, because I still believe that one day, when I bet, I will bring back the jackpot home. I thought it was then, but I was wrong. Obviously. 



21 Sep 2016

°Transported leverage°

°A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now its left me blind°

I wanted to run away last night. I know, it would have been a long run, but I wanted to run away to you, Romeo. To that hug that warms from the inside, that face, that understands no matter how thick the mask and that big heart that will always find a spot for confused and drowning me.

I didn’t go, of course. And for obvious reasons – I suck at running. Otherwise, who knows? I may have done it. Just so you could not believe your eyes and just so I could see that smile again.

Maybe after a year of kickboxing I will be able to pull that run off. Because I gave up on the idea that there will ever be a time in my life that I will not need you anymore.

°The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I’m always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart°

Broken promises, unlike broken people, cannot be unbroken or fixed. Of course it’s only partly your fault, the other part is mine. I believed and that one is on me, no matter how much it was an unfullfillment coming from you.

It doesn’t matter anymore. Not that it ever matter at great lengths.

At least now I can open them.

°And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became°

There is so much inside of me I want to let out, express, shout out, whisper.. But when the time comes, I just hide under the blanket. It’s a nice warm and cozy blanket, I have to say and it hides me very well from the world, but I know that this cannot go on forever. I need to say it. I need to admit it and move on.

Because after all, if I am not honest with the world, I am not honest with myself. And that’s just … crappy.

°I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you°

Is this happening again? Am I becoming a Prozac? The white/green pill that makes everything okay. Or just gloomy, depends on the way you view world.

A lot is coming back to me now and getting so much easier to understand and realize. It’s hard to see myself as a not-so-bright person that could not see it through. And I can relate to vampires, I really can, both them and I are lacking quite a bit of Vitamin D, but still, if you know I do not have it just like you, why would you bite my neck and slowly kill me?

I’m taking it as a lesson. I am not getting angry or worried or even frustrated. It is what it is and it was what it was. It’s in the past. I’m already entering dangerous waters of my future, I really should shift my focus there instead of the past that I cannot change anyways.

°The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I’m always in this twilight

In the shadow of your heart°


14 Sep 2016

°For the night to take this day away°

°“Definitely, do you hear? Definitely” - said the Bear. The hedgehog nodded.
“I will definitely come visit you, no matter what. I will always be around”.
The hedgehog looked at the bear with silent eyes and said nothing.
“Well, why are you not saying anything?”
“I believe”, - said the Hedgehog.°


It is hard to find people who will love you no matter what. And it is difficult to maintain close friendships while on the other sides of the world. But when a friendship starts with one look and a gut feeling, you know it will last, even if so many times before you have been wrong.

This was an amazing long weekend. We have visited two countries, saw three little cute towns, met other people, took lots and lots of photographs, drank delicious wine, blew bubbles and had endless conversations and the laughs that hurt your insides. The Danish weather pleasantly surprised and allowed us to enjoy reclining chairs in Helsinborg, take colourful pictures in Helsingor, walked down all kind of lanes in Dragor and even did a little loop in Copenhagen. We also went to a ballet brunch, followed by a wrap lunch, we exchanged recipes and we talked talked talked. Not to mention sneaking into museum for the photo booth without paying [honestly though, it was for free just two months ago, how was I supposed to know if nobody stopped me?] and we may have borrowed some glasses from certain places. I can say – we lived. We may not do that every weekend, but this one – we lived to the fullest or at least fullest’ish.

So many unanswered questions, so many turns in life, so many years to discuss and so many moments to remember. When two people like us meet, going to work well rested falls down in the priority list and even knowing very well that I will not survive my kickboxing class unless I go to bed early, I am willing to take that chance because some things are just worth it. Some people are worth it.

°And let it all rain down
From the blood stained clouds
Come out, come out, to the sea my love
And just
Drown with me°

Just like Whitesnake sang, I also don’t know where I’m going, but I am happy with the turns I took in the past. Old past, new past, recent past, last night’s past, you name it. And I can only hope that the little beast inside of me will calm down soon – because I do not know how much longer I can take the insomnia thing.

World, I thought we were done, no? I mean, you brought back the summer and you brought back that stupid smile, you even really showed your A game in Greece and still with the sleepless nights? I’m an old lady now, you need to cut me some slack.

You gave me some good things recently; don’t think I don’t appreciate them. For some I had to work a lot and for some I had to wait for long time, but as long as you deliver [not like Danish post in some back pack cases], I am grateful because I know how much worse it could be.

I am also very happy for that little beautifully wrapped present you left at my doorstep [well, not my doorstep, just A doorstep]. I am still not sure if that is truce offering or more of a Trojan horse that will come bite me in the a** and send me crashing and burning. But at this point, I do not think I will care much.

We all have to get off the carousel when the ride is over, but if you worry about it while on it you will not enjoy the ride to the fullest. And I want to enjoy the ride.

°There’s a train that goes backwards
And a will to survive
I feel like walking on razorblades
Black spots (they) cover my life°


This isn’t over.


31 Aug 2016

°You wash my tears away°

The world may have f**ked up, but also recovered quickly and did a miraculous job at being on my side. You, on the other hand, just f***ed up.

Who’s to blame?

-------------------------------------------------

Greece always brings ambiguous feelings for me. Just like John Bon Jovi said `You promised me heaven, you put me through Hell`as [Hellas is Greece in Greek, you see]. Because no matter how many times I will go there, how many things I will try and how much hope I will bring, it will still manage to make at least part of the experience bitter. It’s like we have this love/hate relationship, where Greece really loves me, spoiling me with the frappes and suvlakis and sun&sand&sea, but at the same time it will give, oh I don’t know, an allergic reaction to the salty water, or something.






It sometimes makes me wonder – is Greece running the casino at the end of the world, maybe? Or is Greece is sitting there at the poker table? I never thought to ask..

-------------------------------------------------

Overall, it was a good week. It was sunny and hot, with lots of sun and lazy times to read a book, endless hours watching the stars and the people and the waves, amazingly delicious foods and drinks, good friends, real hugs and smiles that warm you up inside.

It’s been 10 years and we both have really grown and changed a lot and went through a lot and met lots of people and experienced countless unforgettable memories. You are not the same person you were in that summer course and I am far from that lost naïve, just started travelling creature with a mask of Stephanie, but looking back now I totally get why that little girl fell for you, husband.

------------------------------------------------

Just before I left for Greece I found out that Blue Foundation was playing in Copenhagen. Turns out, half the band is Danish, I did not know that. All I knew was a few songs, but some of them were tied really closely to me that I could not NOT go there and listen to them.

There was way too much of electronics for my taste, but at least I got to listen to the sound I was craving for. It may have not healed my soul, but if definitely washed some of my cynicism away.

Maybe not all is lost? Maybe I am not a lost cause?


I’m really trying. I am.


18 Aug 2016

°Coffee in a wine jar°

°It’s unfortunate that when we feel a storm
We can roll ourselves over `cause we’re uncomfortable
Oh well, the devil makes us sin
But we like it when we’re spinning in his grip°

It was another Tuesday night and I went to see the Massive Attack play live. I was not sure what to expect and I was sure it will be not exactly my scene. After all, I only bought the ticket because I knew a few old songs and even those were not performed. I started by a fairly deep walk down the memory lane and contemplation of life and death.

And then there they were.

It was different, strange, but the oddest thing about it – it blew me away. At points I was feeling like I was lost in the sea of sounds, not touching the ground, or maybe with only the very tips of my toes.

I’m a bit of a fan now.

This was a good getaway. My head may be still bursting with the hot bubbling mess, but it is getting better with each heard song, with every new word, with the minutes spent smiling and wondering about what would have happened, if..

°Love is like a sin, my love
For the ones that feel it the most
Look at her with her eyes like a flame
She will love you like a fly will never love you again°

And just like that. The Olympics for the Basketball nation is over. And now it does not matter anymore – you can be sad, you can be angry, you can try and find the mistakes, the wrong doings, but it won’t change a thing – semi-finals will continue without the Lithuanian team. Surely, being in the TOP 8 in the whole world where great teams like Greece, Slovenia [there are plenty more] did not even qualify, is a great achievement. Not for the Basketball nation though.

And it is really hard to watch the faces of the players who gave it all, but that was still not enough. Well, there is always another year, right?

Now all I can hope is for Serbia to go far far, surprising the opponents and taking the medals.

°It’s unfortunate that when we feel a storm
We can roll ourselves over when we’re uncomfortable
Oh well, the devil makes us sin
But we like it when we’re spinning in his grip°

I think I’m going to lose this one. I was optimistic, full of hope and putting the effort. I start seeing that it was all kind of for nothing. I cannot help, but smile. How did that happen? I know how. I was still that little naïve girl with a way-too-heavy backpack on my shoulders, full of wonderfulness of world. Not all is lost then. I may have lost this round, but I will be rising like a phoenix. And then it will be your turn to feel hopeless. The little girl is still alive and so is the travelling bug.

°Love is like a sin, my love,
Fort he ones that feels it the most
Look at her with a smile like a flame

She will love you like a fly will never love you again°



14 Aug 2016

°Rectangular balloons in the thick green sky°

°Cómo decir que me parte en mil
las esquinitas de mis huesos,
que han caído los esquemas de mi vida
ahora que todo era perfecto.
Y algo más que eso,
me sorbiste el seso y me decían del peso
de este cuerpecito mío
que se ha convertío en río.
de este cuerpecito mío
que se ha convertío en río°

My 8 espressos yesterday sent me for a 1.5 hours nap. And -50 difference sent the whole Lithuanian nation to the disappointment and sadness. Nothing is lost, and all can be recovered, however you cannot help but balance on the unhappiness line, trying to figure out which side will be there to catch you and where you will fall.

The good part? This is not the first time and most probably not the last. But at least we are not afraid of raising back to the feet. Because you never give up. 

°Me cuesta abrir los ojos
y lo hago poco a poco,
no sea que aún te encuentre cerca.
Me guardo tu recuerdo
como el mejor secreto,
que dulce fue tenerte dentro°

Once the way of anger got washed away, I felt strangely calm. This is not a bad life, only a bad day. And it does not matter that maybe you want to hug already wet pillow, because deep down you know that your demons will hold you, no matter what.

°Siempre me quedará
la voz suave del mar,
volver a respirar la lluvia que caerá
sobre este cuerpo y mojará
la flor que crece en mi,
y volver a reír
y cada día un instante volver a pensar en ti°

I think I am ready now. Whatever you got under your sleeves, world, come at me. I am not afraid anymore. And I am not wondering what was, is or will be meant to happen. Because nothing is. We make our own decisions and we get to live with them. I have made some stupid decisions that I am trying to get a second chance for re-doing, but it will be still okay if it won't go according to my inner world's plan. I will just take it one day at a time. Without overlooking the past too much. If I get it, great, but if I won't - so be it. It will not be a lost fight, it will not be a lost war. It will only be a bad day and one of those `oh well` moments. 

I think it's over, world. If I am not afraid anymore, there is not anything you can do to make me scared. Please, however, do not take it as a challenge. Let's go grab a cup of lemongrass tea instead. It's good for you.

°En la voz suave del mar,
en volver a respirar la lluvia que caerá
sobre este cuerpo y mojará
la flor que crece en mi,
y volver a reír
y cada día un instante volver a pensar en ti°

It took me a long while, but I think I know now. I know what I want. I haven't figured out the whole life complicated web yet, but I think a little door just opened up. 

Will you help me to improve my Spanish?

...You should have known by the tone of my voice, maybe...




11 Aug 2016

°This is full blown love°

The summer is over. And I did not see it quite starting yet. Sad’ish.

°Watching the world
Take on a new form
All that I knew then
Fades to oblivion°

Just a few days ago I jumped on my bike and there was something different. I couldn’t grasp it at first, but then it dawned on me – I was happy. Biking to work, with the bump on my leg from Friday’s Frisbee, but still happy. Most probably because after a long working week and weekend full of nothingness, it was quite nice to get back on a normal track.

Besides Greece was only getting closer. Now if only it arrived and no surprises followed.. I will just sit back and hope for the best, keeping my fingers crossed that the world will not decide to settle our disagreements there and then.

Please world? I will do anything. Well, not anything anything, but a lot. Just let me have this one. Do we have a deal?

°So sure that I
Had what I needed
I should’ve seen it
From the beginning°

I may have managed to kill the beast before it even rose to its feet. Too soon to tell of course, so I am sitting here in the corner full of hope. Hope that I have found a recipe that make the monster sleep. Now if I could only find a recipe for keeping it asleep and forgetting it ever wants to come out of its layer to play.

I don’t want to play with you, monster. My other monsters are much better – they have cookies.

°We drive into the night
Away from the life
Bringing us down
Oh°

My patience is getting slimmer and slimmer. I wish I was more like it, slimming wise. Less than two weeks for the beach time and I am not exactly in a bikini body, yet. Oh well, I’ll just pretend there are other things, more important than the lean figure.

But yes, I am losing patience to people who think they are better or know they are worse, but they want to be better. No more anger, I will try this new thing people are talking so much about – and not give a damn [I would use a different word here, but I’ve been told I am cursing too much].

°We try
Keeping it light
But we can`t deny
We already know
Oh°





Off Topic

I sat down to write a letter to you, Romeo. I wanted to spill everything that is accumulated in my head. And in my heart. I know it would be more of a book than a letter, really, but I need to say it out loud or the voices in my head will become so noisy, I won’t be able to hear my own thoughts anymore.

But then I realized, I don’t want to do that. I still want you to hear it all, but I don’t want to say it in written words. No… I want to sit in front of you at the table somewhere outside. If it’s cold, we’ll just wear coats and hats and gloves, layers. But I want to sit at the table in front of you and watch your face as I tell you my story. My two-cups-of-tea-story. I was to see your smile, your frown, your confused face and relieved expression. I want to drink a beer. Two beers. Fifteen beer, if that is what it would take to tell you what’s happening inside of me.


Then, if you still want to, we can run away and chase the stars. And never look back. I think I am ready now. To not look back.


3 Aug 2016

°Sour raindrops°

°Broken bottles in the hotel lobby
Seems to me like I'm just scared of never feeling it again
I know it's crazy to believe in silly things
But it's not that easy°

I'm tired and I need holidays. Good thing is that 2.5 weeks later I am flying to a Paradise country. It may not be a paradise to you, or him, or many people, but it is a Paradise to me. The sip of cold coffee at 7 a.m. in the port watching people leaving the party, friends that will never ask uncomfortable questions and will always give you hand when in doubt and those unforgettable smiles that follow you throughout the day.

Greece...

°I remember it now, it takes me back o when it all first started
But I've only got myself to blame for it, and I accept it now
It's time to let it go, go out and start again
But it's not that easy°

Let's not run away, Romeo, not this time. Let's sit it through. Let's face the world and the consequences. You and me, let's be strong and please do not let go of my hand.

°But I've got high hopes, it takes me back to when we started
High hopes, when you let it go, go out and start again
High hopes, oh, when it all comes to an end
But the world keeps spinning around°

I almost lost it today. So easy it would have been, just to not do anything, expect for the nothingness and then blame everyone and anyone for what happens.

I decided against it. And I may not be right, may not be correct or even reach the goal at the end, but at least I tried. And after this, I will be able to sleep at night. Or at least a little better than normally.

Stop chasing the shooting stars. They are dead. Just like your dreams.

°And in my dreams, I meet the ghosts of all the people who have come and gone°