7 Nov 2016

°Blue lips, blue veins°

°Two birds on a wire
One tries to fly away
And the other
Watches him close
From that wire
He says he wants to as well
But he is a liar°

I have done it. I have finally done it. I am floating on air, being all happy and smiley, listening to the songs that are making me dance, even if no one is watching. Or even if everyone is watching – who cares? I’m like that bird from the wire, I’m flying. Maybe not very far and maybe there are no rainbows and unicorns underneath me, but I can sense I am able to breath and I am able to enjoy the sacred laughter of the rain.

I went to Regina Spektor’s concert on Tuesday and it blew me away. Especially when at the very end of it she sat down at her piano and started the last song of her performance: “You are my sweetest downfall…I loved you first. I loved you first”, I almost teared up. Oh Samson..

°I”ll believe it all
There’s nothing I won’t understand
I’ll believe it all
I won’t let go of your hand°

After walking down the memory lane and reading the old long lost letter to a friend, I remembered it all. Strange how only 6 years have passed, but so many negative, or maybe positive, who’s to say [?], have faded away or got dusted. And now it all came back to me, the feeling, the trembling, the fear in your eyes and the shocking calmness in mine. I have felt every possible emotion: anger, disappointment, humiliation, fear, you name it, and it really cracked me, changed me if you will. I don’t think it was the same person who came through that door on the first day, because I was already a different woman when I closed them behind me.

And now I signed up for this ride again. Surely, I signed up for it before I dusted my memories, but now even if excited, I am still a little worried – what if going round and round in circles the history will repeat itself again? My gut is telling to walk it off and that it will all be okay in the end, but that I already know. What I need now is to know if it is going to be okay in 39-43 days. But jury is still out on this one. They should be back any minute now. I have the feeling they will come back in around 41 days. Let’s see.

°Two birds on a wire
One says come on
And the other says
I’m tired
The sky is overcast
And I’m sorry
One more or one less
Nobody’s worried°

It was snowing today. I’ve been listening to Moloko – the time is now.mp3 once again [after 6 years. Coincidence? I think not] and thinking of life. Mine, yours, hers and Romeo’s. Many pictures flashed before me, going in circles faster and faster, not stopping at any particular picture, however some faces seem to be brighter than the others.

It would have never changed, right? I may have naively hoped for something that will never happen. Like a snow storm in the summer or not being cheated on by life.

°Two birds of a feather
Say that they’re always
Gonna stay together
But one’s never goin’ to
Let go of that wire
He says that he will
But he’s just a liar°

It struck me like a lighting and now I understand the situation or who you remind me of. Surely, many different details, but it’s just like a re-written book. Just like then, I will fly, you will stay and my happiness will be your price.

I don’t know, maybe you will be happy. But there will always be something missing. And that wire, it will hurt to hang on, but the fear of letting go will be too frightening. Like the monster under your bed. Until you make an attempt to befriend him. Although, you will probably never know, because you never allowed the monster close enough to get to know him, like really. Just like you refused to let me in. I might be thankful for that now.

It may have felt like escaping the box and then finding yourself in another, bigger box. Still no grey sky to explore and lose yourself.

°Two birds on a wire
One tries to fly away
And the other
Watches him close
From that wire
He says he wants to as well

But he is a liar°



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