18 Aug 2017

ºIrreversible glass mountainº

Off Topic

It was not my smartest move, but somehow I feel like I needed this to continue with my life. Except that I was expecting to be stronger, having it all figured out and finally knowing better. Well didn’t that just flash in front of my eyes and shattered like a house of cards.

And it‘s not even the heart breaking part that caused the blow. Although I won‘t deny it, this one will probably never go away and will be continuously celebrating anniversaries by yet another break. I can survive it, because I know that all those years ago, on that magical island and then back on the mainland, in those arms I was the happiest I could ever be. And so were you. And no matter what, this can never be taken away from me. I may have bet everything I ever had and will ever have on our number at the roulette in the casino at the end of the world and then lost it absolutely all, at least I had my chance and I took it. I may have done lots, really freaking many mistakes during, after and then later after, I still opened my heart and allowed myself to find home in you, which later was taken away from me and almost killed me. But at least for that brief moment, when your window was open, I got to experience what I honestly never thought was possible to feel.

The biggest shock was an eyes-opening realization how far have I come from the road I always wanted to take in my life. It’s like I was hiding from myself and living in a pretty convincing denial of a life I have never wanted, but persuaded myself that this is the right way to go. Even more, I was so deep in this rabbit hole, that I was sure I know better, I am stronger, I can handle whatever comes my way. And then you came and blew my cover, opened all open wounds and took away the shelter I have created to hide myself from my true self. Not enough I was not better off than I thought, I was so far from my old true self, that I could not even remember how to go around and be me.

And that is scary. But also kind of freeing. Now all is left is to change my life completely and go get myself back.

Wish me luck.