6 Feb 2017

°Upon my liars chair°

When you get to the nostalgic mood and start listening to the songs that you were a fan of about 20 years ago and you cannot stop listening you realize quite a few important things:
1.     I had a killer taste in music even when teenager.
2.     There was a reason I liked it so much. It WAS much deeper than I have thought and I get it now.
3.     I’m not making promises, but I might be naming one of my kids that name. IF I ever have any. And that’s a big if.

°All our times have come
Here but now they're gone
Seasons don't fear the reaper
Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain, we can be like they are°

Its really hard to wrap around my own life and thoughts at the moment. So much has happened and so much has changed. My head crashed and burned, changed the directions, worked overtime, did the unthinkable, performed the unstoppable and for what? I am still here, I am still lost and for the first time in a long time I am realizing – I need somebody like you.

°Heaven ablaze in our eyes 
We're standing still in time 
The blood on our hands is the wine
We offer as sacrifice°

Even though Philippines were a little disappointing, they accomplished one very important mission – I have spent 2 weeks almost all by myself and I could not get enough of it. It’s almost like I had material for loneliness for ages and I had to squeeze it in only that short period of time, to analyze myself and world, my actions and your reactions. The life itself. The roads that cross and the paths that to be chosen.

°What a wicked game to play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
To let me dream of you
What a wicked thing to say
You never felt this way
What a wicked thing to do
To make me dream of you°

After that – the rollercoaster that was not into the stopping. Almost as if I had made up my peace while in Philippines with literally everything and life went on - `haha, just a second, dear. Here, have this – enjoy!`. And I did. Take it I mean. The enjoyment is still questionable. I’m sure I will make something good out of it, but for the time being: “Hello Chaos, my old friend”.  I even took that rollercoaster to the crazy town this weekend. I’m not complaining, I’m not anything really. But right now I really need to calm my own chakras, comb them, if you will.

This is no longer `why did I not learn from it from before?` kind of issues, it’s more `why after all this time, all those experiences, after knowing perfectly well the outcome I am still doing this to myself?`. Okay, not exactly that. I’m doing this to myself, because I promised to do this to myself. For myself. And the reason, or the answer, is because not doing this and regret is worse. Long term worse. Short term would have been a brilliant choice. So the question is more: `why after all this time and all this experience and knowing perfectly well what will happen and how it will develop I am not evolve and adjust to the situation?`. I should be smarter than this, right? I mean, I just got older. They told me smartness comes along. Mine probably got lost. Somewhere between Crete and Mendoza.

°Farewell heartless world,
I'll send you a postcard burnt in flames
You've tried so hard to extinguish with the fear of failing,
I'll write down everything I have learned,
And edit it down to a single word "Love"
For you I'm waiting, anticipating°

A quick escape to Barcelona was a great getaway. I was so very happy that night that even 3 hours of sleep and tiring next day did not ruin it for me. It was almost like nothing else in the world existed, just me, you and him. The boy I met over 10 years ago, who grew into a man you can be proud of and who can understand me from one word, one look, one satiric comment or one dance. Just as well as I can understand him. I guess it is true in some cases:

°He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same°

I will okay though. It’s not even that bad, if I’m completely honest. And if I managed that, several times, I will be able to take over the world. You may not have asked, Romeo, but I will join you for this conquer trip. You may not know if yet, but you want me there. Trust me.