27 Sep 2016

°Cherry crumble pie and mint tea°

°Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again°

I am having one of those days. One of those bad days. And I used to think that it only happens to weak people. But now it is happening to me, and I know I am not weak. So I guess it can happen to anyone at any time. You just have to sit there at take the punch from the world. 

Aren't we done yet, world? I'm waving the white flags and anything else I can thing of. Could you please give me a break?

At least I have started kickboxing lessons. They will teach me to take a punch. They are already teaching me that. And I am taking those punches like a big girl. Yet, again, once the pain penetrates inside of me, there is no other way but to release the silent scream, the cry for help. The cry that will never be heard by anyone who would be able to give a comforting hug. This sucks.

°Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again°

It pains me, if I have to be honest. And surely, it may not be as bad as it seems, but it still pains me to the core of my heart. There are not many people to make me feel alive, so once I meet one, I try to stick to it. Unfortunately, I am covered with Teflon, which makes you slide and go away. Just like the wind.

I know, I know, I brought it on myself. Not helping though. This part of me will never die, and I am grateful. It's just the pain that follows is something I do not welcome. But then it comes, it comes.

°Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again°

Stephanie probably had it all right from the very start. Obsess with purses and high heels and low calorie drinks and nothing else. Maybe I should try to be more like my schizophrenian side kick, more drama, true, but a different kind of drama. The one where no one gets hurt. Only the wallet.

I think I just heard my heart crack.

°However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you°

OFF Topic

I always wondered, if it's possible to have a love affair that lasts forever. 

And now I know the answer. I went to the casino at the end of the world. It's been rebuilt, quite fast and efficiently. However I am finding myself at the same poker table, with the same deck of cards that's been stacked once again and I am still finding myself in the same miserable situation. I don't want to bet anymore, I've got nothing else left. I placed my cards on the table, there is no more place to hide. I know I've lost. I always knew I would lose, the odds were never in my favour, yet again, the optimistic and naive me was still betting, because I still believe that one day, when I bet, I will bring back the jackpot home. I thought it was then, but I was wrong. Obviously. 

21 Sep 2016

°Transported leverage°

°A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now its left me blind°

I wanted to run away last night. I know, it would have been a long run, but I wanted to run away to you, Romeo. To that hug that warms from the inside, that face, that understands no matter how thick the mask and that big heart that will always find a spot for confused and drowning me.

I didn’t go, of course. And for obvious reasons – I suck at running. Otherwise, who knows? I may have done it. Just so you could not believe your eyes and just so I could see that smile again.

Maybe after a year of kickboxing I will be able to pull that run off. Because I gave up on the idea that there will ever be a time in my life that I will not need you anymore.

°The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I’m always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart°

Broken promises, unlike broken people, cannot be unbroken or fixed. Of course it’s only partly your fault, the other part is mine. I believed and that one is on me, no matter how much it was an unfullfillment coming from you.

It doesn’t matter anymore. Not that it ever matter at great lengths.

At least now I can open them.

°And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became°

There is so much inside of me I want to let out, express, shout out, whisper.. But when the time comes, I just hide under the blanket. It’s a nice warm and cozy blanket, I have to say and it hides me very well from the world, but I know that this cannot go on forever. I need to say it. I need to admit it and move on.

Because after all, if I am not honest with the world, I am not honest with myself. And that’s just … crappy.

°I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you°

Is this happening again? Am I becoming a Prozac? The white/green pill that makes everything okay. Or just gloomy, depends on the way you view world.

A lot is coming back to me now and getting so much easier to understand and realize. It’s hard to see myself as a not-so-bright person that could not see it through. And I can relate to vampires, I really can, both them and I are lacking quite a bit of Vitamin D, but still, if you know I do not have it just like you, why would you bite my neck and slowly kill me?

I’m taking it as a lesson. I am not getting angry or worried or even frustrated. It is what it is and it was what it was. It’s in the past. I’m already entering dangerous waters of my future, I really should shift my focus there instead of the past that I cannot change anyways.

°The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I’m always in this twilight

In the shadow of your heart°

14 Sep 2016

°For the night to take this day away°

°“Definitely, do you hear? Definitely” - said the Bear. The hedgehog nodded.
“I will definitely come visit you, no matter what. I will always be around”.
The hedgehog looked at the bear with silent eyes and said nothing.
“Well, why are you not saying anything?”
“I believe”, - said the Hedgehog.°

It is hard to find people who will love you no matter what. And it is difficult to maintain close friendships while on the other sides of the world. But when a friendship starts with one look and a gut feeling, you know it will last, even if so many times before you have been wrong.

This was an amazing long weekend. We have visited two countries, saw three little cute towns, met other people, took lots and lots of photographs, drank delicious wine, blew bubbles and had endless conversations and the laughs that hurt your insides. The Danish weather pleasantly surprised and allowed us to enjoy reclining chairs in Helsinborg, take colourful pictures in Helsingor, walked down all kind of lanes in Dragor and even did a little loop in Copenhagen. We also went to a ballet brunch, followed by a wrap lunch, we exchanged recipes and we talked talked talked. Not to mention sneaking into museum for the photo booth without paying [honestly though, it was for free just two months ago, how was I supposed to know if nobody stopped me?] and we may have borrowed some glasses from certain places. I can say – we lived. We may not do that every weekend, but this one – we lived to the fullest or at least fullest’ish.

So many unanswered questions, so many turns in life, so many years to discuss and so many moments to remember. When two people like us meet, going to work well rested falls down in the priority list and even knowing very well that I will not survive my kickboxing class unless I go to bed early, I am willing to take that chance because some things are just worth it. Some people are worth it.

°And let it all rain down
From the blood stained clouds
Come out, come out, to the sea my love
And just
Drown with me°

Just like Whitesnake sang, I also don’t know where I’m going, but I am happy with the turns I took in the past. Old past, new past, recent past, last night’s past, you name it. And I can only hope that the little beast inside of me will calm down soon – because I do not know how much longer I can take the insomnia thing.

World, I thought we were done, no? I mean, you brought back the summer and you brought back that stupid smile, you even really showed your A game in Greece and still with the sleepless nights? I’m an old lady now, you need to cut me some slack.

You gave me some good things recently; don’t think I don’t appreciate them. For some I had to work a lot and for some I had to wait for long time, but as long as you deliver [not like Danish post in some back pack cases], I am grateful because I know how much worse it could be.

I am also very happy for that little beautifully wrapped present you left at my doorstep [well, not my doorstep, just A doorstep]. I am still not sure if that is truce offering or more of a Trojan horse that will come bite me in the a** and send me crashing and burning. But at this point, I do not think I will care much.

We all have to get off the carousel when the ride is over, but if you worry about it while on it you will not enjoy the ride to the fullest. And I want to enjoy the ride.

°There’s a train that goes backwards
And a will to survive
I feel like walking on razorblades
Black spots (they) cover my life°

This isn’t over.