17 Oct 2016

°Three strokes and the Love cats°

°I leave you and marry him for money
Cause baby I will never take a job

But wait for me cause when I get my money
Ill kill him and marry you for love°

I don't know how I feel about anything anymore. The insomnia seems to have left me, giving me very much needed sleep, but the uneasy feeling is still there. Am I missing something? Did I forget to do something? I don't know. 

I found this song that I've been listening for straight 10 days or so and it literally draws me into it. The lyrics are weird, to say the least, but that sound.. That harmonized sound that gets you high just by listening to it.. And I really wanted to go to the concert, so imagine my happiness when I found one in Stockholm! But then as it turns out, I mixed the year. So stupid. Well, I will keep hoping, because at the moment I can only imagine how freeing it would be to hear it being performed live.

°But I need my sushi roles
My lower east side haircut
I need my snakeskinboot
And coco channel shades°

The casino at the end of the world seems very deserted. Only a few ghostly people are wandering around, almost no one is betting. The house is almost ready to let you win, I can feel it in my bones, so I place a small bet. The one you never wanted me to leave on the table. But you don't call the shots anymore. And so I do. And so I win. But the house will never let me get out of the casino with it. While it's re-stacking the deck, I need to make another bet. And then I lose. 

It's not really surprising anymore, right? Yet, I'm shocked. Mostly, because I knew it all along and I still went for it. Oh well.

°I need my taxi cabs
My 18 carat Jesus
I need my night-wood blues
My pool side chardonnay°

Do not fall asleep, Romeo. That's when they come to get us. I cannot keep the watch all the time. I need your help. And it's not just about holding my hand, I need more actions. Just do it, for me? I'll beg if I have to and you know better than anyone else how much I dislike the begging process.

°And will call us crazy
But it’s just business baby
Love. Love’s a Broadway show

And if you want my heart
I will play that part
But nothing’s gonna keep me broke°

I cannot say I know how this whole thing will be played out, and I am a little interested. However I know that one of the bridges has been burnt, and there is some smoke coming out of the other one. Will it collapse? Will it be the end of it? Maybe. And I might be okay with it, after all, I have gathered all the puzzle pieces now, I can see the bigger picture. It ain't a pretty picture, but with the ongoing fight with the world, I don't suppose I could have expected anything better.

°So leave me and marry him for money
So kill him and marry me for love°

The kickboxing seems to be helping a lot in every way possible. It's not only burning the fat or making me stronger, mentally and physically, but it also is bringing some piece and understanding of how little and small and insignificant we all are. And so it does not matter. For the universe, it is just too small of the reactions. It's just peanuts, write it off, don't even ask. It will be okay with the boss.

°We will have our Hendricks gin
Our rooftop conversations
We need our oh oh oh’s
To get us through the day°

Less than 4 weeks left. Stephanie is already packing her high heels that I keep telling her she won't need, but she is even more stubborn than me. She is very excited about the white beaches and tanned bodies. Who knows, maybe with the help of kickboxing we will finally have a body to kill for, just to make some people jealous while enjoying the sun and the Tuesday's margaritas.

A little runaway escape before the big storm. Or after? I am not sure which one will hit harder, but when it does, it's too late to think of it anymore.

°If you want my heart
I take credit cards
Nothing’s gonna keep me broke°

3 Oct 2016

°Down on the West Coast°

°When we first came here
We were cold and we were clear
With no colours in our skin
We were light and paper thin°

I can’t seem to be able to shake off the trembles since the moment I awoke myself this morning at 4 a.m. I cannot explain it and I am not trying to pretend to have a sixth sense or anything, but something is bothering me and it is not going away. I cannot put my finger on it or figure out what it is. I know it is not a panic attack, more like a gut feeling. And I know, if it’s a gut, then it’s the intestines, so it’s probably sh*t.. It still feels like my heart will jump out of the rib cage any minute now, though.

°And when we first came here
We were cold and we were clear
With no colours in our skin
‘Til we let the spectrum in°

I did lots and lot of shopping this weekend. Visited countless number of shops, bought many items of different kinds, I even treated myself, because after all, I am the most important person in my life and I should not let myself to forget that. So I’ll be pretty, even if for no one else to see.

I even finally bought the tickets for the local flights in the Philippines for my holidays. One step closer to the 2 weeks in the paradise, which hopefully will not turn into hell as it often likes. I forgot to eat though, I did not think I was capable of that, but I guess when you are really tired, anything is possible.

And I finally got a light installed in my living room. It’s been around 15 months and I still wouldn’t have it if not for people who care if I have light or not more than I, apparently. I’m still getting used to it, forgetting to light it from time to time, but as the autumn’s darkness and rains approaches, I will have all the opportunities to try it out and again more often.

°Say my name
And every color illuminates
We are shining
And we will never be afraid again°

I should have known that this was always a crash and burn case. I mean, I kind of knew it all along, I just somehow either thought I am stronger than I actually am or I was still holding onto that hope, that crashed and burnt many times before, but somehow, every single time, manages to survive, recover and like a brave warrior, go back into the battle field. Just like the little dwarf with dust shoes, who went to the road to fight for love.

Even having a definite written ending to it, I was somehow hoping I will get some more time and space to enjoy it. Just one more moment, one more night, one more week, one more lifetime… The little backpack girl is very much alive and I am very glad and grateful for it. Because no matter what, no matter how strong the crash, she will always have that phone booth that she will return to make a phone call. Once again.

°And when we come for you
We’ll be dressed up all in blue
With the ocean in our arms
Kiss your eyes and Kiss your palms°

It has always been too late. I knew it, but I tried to convince either myself or the world that this time it is different. Yet I could see the situation unrolling in the exact same pace as so many times before.

`My love has a time limit. Let me rephrase that – our love has a time limit`.

When most of your life happened on the road, even after you settle, you cannot help but view everything that is happening around you from the different angle glasses. You cannot afford to be slow, you cannot afford to restrict yourself, you don’t want to hold yourself back. And so you do – one or ten things that scares your every, you allow yourself to take it all in, to feel, to experience, to fall in love, because you know that tomorrow it might all be gone, because it is all so fragile and temporary.

`She follows her heart <…> Like a map to her soul <…> A reminder she must let go.. And she goes`  

I don’t think it is possible to understand how this type of mindset works, unless experienced yourself. It’s both a curse and a blessing – depends how you choose to look at it.

I take it as a burning blessing.

°And when it’s time to pray
We’ll be dressed up all in grey
With metal on our tongues
And silver in our lungs°

All I asked was all the information presented and not to be lied to. And now it feels like I’m being lied to. I can be wrong of course, been before. And I would really really hope that I am wrong this time. Because I definitely do not want to be lied to about this. Or now.

It would spoil the fantasy. Not even talking about how bitter the crashing and burning would become. On the other hand, it would speed up the spring cleaning.

It all comes down to the perspective and how you choose to take things. And I am really trying not to lose my rationality. Think about it, just few years ago in the identical situation I have made many more mistakes. I guess I am learning.

Romeo, I am building the craving to write you a letter. The one that will never be sent. The one that will never be shared. The long one, hand written. I feel like before I can move on, I need to write it all down. And then not to press button. You told me this once: `They all regret. You will too`. But, will I?

°And when we come back we’ll be dressed in black
And you’ll scream my name aloud
And we won’t eat and we won’t sleep

We’ll drag bodies from a ground°