20 May 2011

.Angel of the Morning.

My life literally reached the `boring` level. Nothing very much exciting is happening. Well, several panic attacks, some moments that make me see the whole of my life running in front of my eyes, making sudden decisions here and now, getting bad, worse news and then the best ones I could have hoped for. Well, it’s still mostly nothing, or nothing to talk about, discuss or type it out loud [however creepy that would sound].

So anyways, I have been thinking, where did I let it hang the last time? The Easter. Wow, almost a month and I still have nothing. Well, I started with nothing, therefore I still have most of it left.

My work started almost as usual just after the Holidays, I’m still at my client’s office, doing the same things that in the beginning looked confusing, now, though, I almost got used to most of the stuff, so it is going all well. Have nothing to complain. With some [rare, I may add] exceptions, people are awesomely [I know that’s not a word from the dictionary, that is word from MY dictionary] nice and sweet and real team. It’s amazing how they are actually there as one big family and how easily they are actually taking me in there as well. It’s nice.

A week after my first trial to pass theory for the license, I gave myself another try. I needed one paper from my office, but, of course, the paper of two lines length text is too much to do in 3.5 days, so I get nothing. Well, the good thing is, that after making some several calls and talking to different people they let me do that with another paper, which isn’t really the one they need, but what the hell – they will help me out. I love Lithuanian people sometimes.

So I get back to the office, spend some time with my papers and trying to explain my situation, finally I get to the room and I pass [!] the test. Almost pass, I made maximum possible number of mistakes, but who cares right? I passed it. One step closer to my goal.

All excited I am coming back to my Mom’s place, do some stuff and head to the city – it’s a big night with my big crazy bunch of friends from Nida back in the time. We met, had our type of fun that no one would probably understand, got to oLga’s cabin [or how to call that little house with sauna in the middle of some sort of village?] and started the party. It wasn’t a crashing things party, just fun we used to have and enjoy it good. We made meal, had some beers, talked, laughed.. Well, honestly, you had to be there to appreciate it or just look at us with weird eyes and think `wow, such nut-cases, I need to get out of here, the sooner the better`. I made my impossible, I went to Sauna, even though I hardly ever go there. I even went to the lake after and I can tell you – it was cold. But it felt good. It was a nice time, really.

The next day – Mother’s day. In my country Mother’s day. So we took some flowers [Thanks once again to oLga and her Dad] and each one of us went to say `Happy Mom’s day`. It was a good day, up until the point where my Mom started talking that she wants grandchildren and while she was saying that – she was looking at me. What was I supposed to say? Once again, sorry Mom, you’ve got a defected kid, who does not want children, at least for now. Better luck next year? It always leaves me speechless.

After that was over, another week started with `it’s a non-feeling-like-working` week for me at work, so we decided to make a girlie meeting on Monday with beer and kebabs in the middle of a little hill in the middle of the capital [a.k.a. the city we all live in]. I have to say – you have to be one of us – crazy girls on their own angle, to understand what kind of the fun it is. It is nothing special, I give you that, but trust me, it’s amazing, when you can bring 4 different, very different girls in one place and have so much fun. Talking about serious things and then nonsenses, making fun of people around you, people you know and yourselves and laugh till your stomach aches. It’s always the same – it’s always amazing.

All the rest is more or less ordinary. I signed for the motorcycle lessons, manage to take three of them. It’s always something – bad weather, too packed schedule or anything else, I am not the luckiest person to get my time. But once I do – it goes well. I haven’t taken the test yet, so can’t really say how good or bad I am, but I like to think of myself as pretty damn good. I mean, I manage not to throw myself down of it, I can do all or most of the figures perfectly or pretty damn close to it and, well, I am pretty optimistic about how it will all go at the very end. We’ll see though.

One of the weekends there was a big day. Not for me, though, for Pečka. The marrying day. It is a big deal to most of the people – she is not the exception. So we all, being so nice and good friends, went straight to the town hall, so we can congratulate her on this big special say. I have to be honest, I am not big fan of weddings, but that one was nice. For starters, there was no white dress or any kind of artificial stuff, but the most important – seeing two people who are so much in love – well, that‘s just cute. Even for a cinic like me. Their eyes were saying more than anything else and I can tell you, they sparkled with love.

Anyways, that‘s more or less it. My life as I kow it. Although, I caught myself into several discussions. With me, with others, with my own life, with my destiny, with my future. It‘s hard, I cannot handle half of those, but we all know it‘s not the way to go through life.

Off Topic

I learned one very important lesson, in my messed up twisted world. Once again, I may add, I knew it all along, but sometimes situation takes it away from you. I knew everything is going to be ok, but I also knew that if I was wrong, my life would never be the same again. But I had my luck not to experience that. Everything worked out in the very end. But surprisingly, I managed to surprise myself. I never thought I would be to `one-way-rider`, but turns out – I am. Well, that’s something to hang on to.

I also got to learn something about people. And check my trust again. It is true, no matter how smart or successful you are, if you treat everyone else like trash, you are no bigger than trash. It’s sad, when you see those people loosing all of the humanity or any other positive things because of such temporary things, like, for example money, that, in the very end, is pretty damn clear, does not make them happy after all.

I got questioned about Love. And no matter what people say or think, or tell, or try to convince – I stand my own ground. Yes, it might be crimpy, not convenient or anything, but it’s my ground. And no matter what is going to happen, hell with it, I will never give up on Love. You may not believe it, but I always will. There is probably the difference with the two of us – and I may be too naïve, but that’s my way of living.

I’m sensing something. Can’t figure what, why or anything, but it’s just something. I am more than hoping it’s just my inner life is playing tricks with me and the real one will not catch up with that one. We’ll see. Whatever happens – I will survive.

`Just call me angel, of the morning, angel`.

I am getting obsessed and scared as well. I am getting addicted. No, not cocaine or any other illegal stuff. It’s Murakami. And it’s driving me crazy. I’m feeling like it is getting inside of me more than I thought he would and I cannot control it anymore. I feel like I’m loosing my rational way of thinking [as much as a chick’s way of thinking can be rational]. It dawned on me – maybe this is the roots of some of my problems? But I can’t help it, I only can think about Kumiko and Osaka and nothing more.

Is there any cure for that?

`and he snuggled.
-Nothing – was answered together with holding his hand. – I just want to know, that you will always be here`.

And no, I am not afraid to ask, I am a little afraid of the answer, though.
One word and I am in there. The place I never thought I would be so excited to be in.

We all know the sound of rain. What is the silence of rain?