26 Jun 2016

°Candle in a wine bottle°

...Shadows settle on the place, that you left.
Our minds are troubled by the emptiness...

My head is about to explode. I'm not even sure what I'm feeling or how I'm feeling. Guilty? Lost? Happy? Confused? Sad? Ecstatic? Unsure? Hungry? Angry?

I've been going in circles in this little room that you can see traces of it on the floor and I don't seem to be able to stop moving.

...Destroy the middle, it's a waste of time.
From the perfect start to the finish line...

This unpredictable Danish weather reminds me of SEA. Where the wave of heat would hit you even in the middle of the night and the rain was always welcome - even if you are in the middle of the street with no shelter to save yourself. 

Every drop of that rain is a drop of life, a gulp of fresh air. The oxygen that doesn't burn your lungs. Never thought I would appreciate the oxygen in such great lengths.

...And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones
Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs...

It's been okay so far. The Ultimate Frisbee may sound a little stupid, but it is actually a pretty fun game. People matter, of course. And even if two days after your muscles are still complaining of the pain, you still plan on joining next time.

This time to catch and forward it. 

...Setting fire to our insides for fun.
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong...

But it is still terribly uneasy. And I don't think it will evaporate as easy as one could hope. Anger got washed away. It still comes back, just to remind you of the little things that did not matter, but only for the supporting role. The lead has been taken over. And that grumpy stubborn item is not planning on leaving the stage any time soon. No matter how empty or uninterested the audience is.

...We are the reckless,
We are the wild youth...

It will always hunt me, I suppose. Sometimes more, sometimes less. 

I wish there was a magic bandage that you just put on and it sucks all the damage that was made. Everything that fell out of hands and all the scattered glass, covered now with ashes.

When can I expect to forgive myself?

...Chasing visions of our futures
One day we'll reveal the truth
That one will die before he gets there...

I thought I knew it. I thought I read the signs correctly. And still I come out like that poor kid from the exam room who was reading the wrong chapter for the test. Confused, not fully aware of the happenings and beings. This is what was written in the curriculum, was it not?

I may have been wrong. It may have been the wrong chapter, from the wrong book, even for the wrong class. I still don't get it though. Because I checked the curriculum. And not once, but quite a few times.

It's alright though. The rain is slowing down and there should not be any more lightning.

...And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones.
'Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone...

I bought a vinyl player. And a few records. More in plans. Not just the records, the purchases. My list is growing so fast that sometimes I need to stop and think to myself - am I becoming reckless? Because I am not allowed to be, not just yet. 

I'm an adult now, or so they call me that. I need to be more responsible. But what if all I want to do is run the field barefoot? I say field and I say barefoot, but what I mean is shops and wallet-full.

And a little bit of running the field. I am not the adultier adult after all.

...We are setting fire to our insides for fun...

I have had the urge to go back to my casino at the end of the world more than usually recently. It's been demolished, sure, but I know that they rebuilt it, I just need to find it. But before I do so, I need to collect enough for the bet.

I gave up my most precious and most valuable possession the last time I was there and, ironically enough, it all crashed and collapsed before I got to find out if I won or if I lost it all. I am not even sure if I would be able to get the answers when I find the updated version of the casino at the end of the world. I am not convinced it matter much anymore.

Glass fragments can be collected, but you will never be able to identify which piece came from which bet. Either way you look at it, we are all losers of the casino. At the end of the world.

...Collecting pictures from a flood that wrecked our home,
It was a flood that wrecked this home...