ºTetra packed hopes and dreamsº

ºI wonder where you are

While all the hopes inside my heart

Just fall apart

It’s preying on my mind

But I’m still at a loss of words

They’re so hard to findº

It‘s been raining non stop here in Copenhagen. And I do like the rain, when I‘m walking from the train station to work and I can feel those droplets falling on my skin, I cannot help but smile. Because to me it is life and it reminds me of some happy moments, like that kiss in August or walk to the other side of the death island, better known as Koh Tao. It‘s no snow, white magic falling from the sky on his eyelashes, but it‘s almost the next best thing.

ºBut now I fall for her

I wonder how I could explain the reason why

And when I fall for her

I can´t believe we have to say goodbyeº

I have two girls lined up ready with proposals for marriage, yet I cannot get you to even kiss me good night.

But that’s not everything, is it? You are hiding something, probably from yourself as well. I just wanted to say.. I hope it will get better to you. And I am here when you need me. Wherever the `here` is.

You don’t need to admit it, to me or to the world, but you need me in your life just as much as I need you. And I may have cried, but you choked.

But it’s okay. I will keep your secret[s] safe with me. No one ever needs to know.

ºThis shadow on the wall

Is still your picture in my eyes

And I’m paralyzed

A piece of broken glass

Some scraps of paper on the floor

Now there’s nothing moreº

I feel like I’ve been robbed. I had this precious little thing, only precious to me and I was savoring it, because it is the most important and life-changing thing I have ever had in my hands and then it was taken away. Nothing happened of course, no one died, no one got hurt, but somewhere, someplace, somehow I got part of it taken away from me and there is no way to get it back to the past condition.

I will be alright, of course, but the tie just got broken. And I don‘t feel like knotting it. At some point, in some way, certain things just have to be put to sleep.

Shhhh.... it will only hurt a little.

ºWhen my thoughts became too strained

Then I was slowly sinking like raindrops in the sand

While your voice was in my ears

I was slowly drowning in the sea of my own tearsº

°From lashes to ashes, from lust to dust°

I worked from home today, because I had a doctor's appointment that I have booked about 3 months ago. I was excited, I was full of energy and good thoughts, because I thought, finally I might have another answer to my problem than `she will grow out of it`, or `it must be hormones` *after checking the hormones* `this is not hormones`, or `there is nothing that can be done`. 

So my whole life, as long as I remember, I have been suffering from so called hyperhidrosis [or how it is spelled correctly] and I thought that this is `my thing` and I have to just live with it. And I have. But now - that little light in the tunnel became an exciting chance of maybe increasing the quality of my life. That would be almost like switching from a black-and-white Nokia bought in Thai market for 50 USD to the newest smart phone [of your choice].

And so I went. I biked to the place for 20 minutes, waited there to get to the doctor for 30 minutes more and had to bike back home for another 20 minutes just so I could spend a total of 3 minutes in the doctor's office asking me questions [no testing, just a simple Q&A of like 4 questions] and writing me a referral to the hospital that I live next to [!!!] for the botox procedures. 

Now don't get me wrong, I might be thrilled to get botox injected into my body [what woman doesn't?], but in my humble opinion, this whole thing could have been done over the phone AND three months ago. 

But on a plus side, I will get botox in me, for free, all out of tax payers [me including, but still] pockets. Wish me luck.


Off Topic

I walked 500 miles in my old shoes down the memory lane in the past today. And I know how stupid and unnecessary that it, but I just could not help. I did not plan it, honestly, I was just going through old e-mails, wanting to collect good old songs, without realizing that most of them were sent/received to/from those special types of people, wrapped in the words that I can still remember, even if I don't think about them. Looking at the names the memories flooded and suddenly I could not stop - I was walking those 500 miles.

It reminded me of you. And you. And a little bit even of you. 

I am now listening to the sounds that were reminding me so much of you that I can almost feel your hand on my shoulder. I can almost sense your kiss on my head and I can remember the smallest details from those times when I was so happy. 

Lenno flashed through my eyes as well. And your incredible generosity and my unprecedented excitement when I realized what you have done. 

It was good year. It was a good life. I was happy and remembering that makes me happy now. I just still cannot help but catch myself wondering at times `what if`. I guess we'll never know.

We met at a wrong time. And we kept meeting at all the wrong times. However, how the story would have ended if we had met at the right time? At least now we have a story to tell.

Or what would have happened if we were smart enough to let it go. By not making a mistake making it too big too quick. Would the island have been any different? Would I be different? But at least in this case, I am sure I will get to turn it around. Okay, maybe not to turn it around, but at least to try. Because this is not an ended story. And if it did not end until today, chances are, it will never end.