24 Jan 2013

°Running through my veins°

There I am again. As a complete expert of screwing things up, I screwed it up good.

I don't even know what the hell is wrong with me. Do I know the reason? No. Maybe I just wanted to prove something to myself. But hell, after all these years you'd think I would be wiser. Turns out no. I am still the same ugly duckling who goes through life and with the help of chaos makes mess everywhere I put my foot on.

Unbelievable. This time I cannot blame it on you world. You had nothing to do with that. It was all me. Damn, sometimes I wish someone would slap me awake and tell me I am doing the biggest mistake in life which I will regret. For the rest of my life. 

No excuse. I just have to face the reality and hope she will not spit to my face. Or in my drink. 

From all the people I could have hurt, why did I have to choose you?
I guess I am more of a drama queen than I liked to think.

On top of that I wasn't able to eat today at all. I guess it's a good thing for my goal not to become fat. 

I have to survive this. Not sure how that will happen, but I have to at least give it a try.

Barcelona, help me out here.

21 Jan 2013

°The dynamic break°

It’s been a while. But to be honest, not much was happening here in Denmark. Except for my own dramas and rides like roller coaster in my head, nothing much was or is happening. I guess I should take that as a good thing.

Last week was pretty intense, though.

On Monday we met with Lina, registered for a master student room to write our thesis and actually sat down and worked on it. Small little step for us, but big step for our future. On Tuesday we continued with thesis and in the evening we met with Monika for a farewell happy good cocktail at Hard Rock Café. It was three of us and a friend of Monika’s and boy did we have fun! We talked with a bartender, got some extra snacks and drinks, talked about everything and nothing, enjoyed those very well done drinks. Oh it was really fun. I was biking back home with a huge  smile on my face. On Wednesday I went to school and after that I rushed to Gosia’s leaving party. She is going back to Poland which only meant that I am gonna loose having a good close friend to have around. Sad moment, but we celebrated it the right way. On Thursday, and I wanted to say it was my easy day, I went to Roberto’s place to have dinner and catch up since we haven’t seen each other since the last exam period in 2010. It was a very lovely time. We talked about everything, including Murakami, mine and kind of his favourite author. He even gave me a book of his to read, which I will gladly hopefully start tomorrow. Weekend was all work and almost no fun. I say almost, because on Saturday Mantas’s bar had one year birthday, so I just could not refuse to stop by and enjoy the very best Lithuanian beer. He was busy with all the people and friends and regular customers, so I ended up talking the whole night with Mark. It was interesting.

And now it is Monday again. I did not do much than just school. Well, I did bike back home in a terrible wind, but I found my new opened candy shop still open, so I went there and got myself a nice treat. Something I definitely deserve.

Off topic

After a few `what if` and `maybe` I decided to give up. I decided to give it a try. If it’s going to be a mistake, I don’t know. But I know that I only live once and that could be something I will regret in the future. Never mind. You wanted to walk on a thin ice and I will join you and hold your hand while you do. It that one will crack, what the hell. So at least we will know.

After a hurricane went through my brain I finally calmed down. No more sitting on my windowsill waiting like an idiot for something to happen and then just creating stupid scenarios in my head.

Everything passes. This too shall pass.

3 Jan 2013

°Counter clockwise celebration°

And there was the end of the world. Then the end of the year. And now we will have to wait for new ends again.

Since on the last days before leaving Denmark for the holidays I have been working every day non-stop, on the last day, when I called in and got `no, we don’t need you today` back, it made my day. I took my time, I did my cleaning, I cooked to myself [which doesn’t happen too often anymore] and even watched some TV episodes. I deserved that little time on my own and not working.

I met a friend and as always we had a lovely conversation. I got, and it wasn’t just me, actually, Steffany also got presents, so once back in the room we were both excited unwrapping those neatly nicely packed little packages and found very thoughtful treasures inside. Later on I went to meet the rest, as a farewell drink or something. I wanted to go somewhere else, not just to stay in the Dubliner, but as it often happens, that just did not happen,. By the time Eoin asked me if I still want to go somewhere else, I was already on my way to go home. We had fun though. We danced on the tables, we listened to the music, we laughed, we talked. It was a good night. But I knew I had an  early flight and I am older and smarter, I know I need to get some sleep before heading back home.

And so I did. Or so I thought. I really was smarter and older and I really wanted to catch up on my sleep. Too bad, that was only me. And my whole counted 6 hours of sleep turned into lousy ½ an hour.

Worth it, I guess. Since I entered my plane with a stupid smile on my face.

I managed to fall asleep in the first plane, then had my waiting time in Tallinn, then I guess I should blame excitement for not sleeping in my second plane. The good part of it all was though – nothing was late, so I did not have to worry. I will make it to my appointment. So I got off the plane, called my mom, called my friend, set the time and place to meet up and headed for the train, which was coming never, so then headed back for the bus. It was REALLY cold. You take glove off for a minute, just to text someone and after that you cannot feel your fingers anymore. Totally brutal! I took the wrong bus that took me to the wrong place, so I was rushing to my meeting point with my friend knowing I would be late. Good part was – she was even more late. Bad part – I decided I am cool enough so wait for her outside. So it was 30 minutes in the cold which I am not used to anymore and with clothes or shoes that are not even suited for winter. Can I just say that once I saw here I was so happy, I could shit rainbows?

With both of us being late, we headed straight to Angis. We found Monika and there I had my another first. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I lost my skin virginity. I still haven’t made a picture of her [well, we are just shy, you know], but here is an approximate idea what and where it is:

Maybe because my bones are close to the skin, or maybe because my fear was really big or I don’t know, but it actually hurt. I did not scream of anything, I mean, I’m a big girl, but it wasn’t the most pleasant experience ever. Still, the outcome was awesome. it was the second time in a day I wanted to shit rainbows. After so many years of wanting and considering and wondering I actually got it. There. Another first is accomplished and I will never be the same. I got ink.

The rest of the night was the usual. We went for a beer with Simona to celebrate our meeting and my tattoo and talk all we always talk [which is everything]. We separated a bit later, I went to Ieva’s B&B&B where Jurga was already there. So we talked and laughed as always. We even went and got kebabs [oh the good traditions die hard], went back to B&B&B, ate them, enjoyed beer, talked more, laughed till the tears came out. Before we knew it, it was already very late, girls had to work the next day and I had to go back to Kaunas.

So in the morning, after amazing breakfast and tea, Ieva drove me to drop my old hdd for the data recovery and then we separated. I went to the train station, bought a ticket and.. fell asleep.

The whole time at home sort of mixed a little. I was doing to much and all together so little.. On that first day I was back I had my dentist’s and hairdresser’s dates. In the evening, after my mom got to sleep, we did our almost sacred walk along the little hill with Inga, but since it was so freakishly cold, we went back to her place, had lots of tea and talked talked talked. It’s a friend who knows me from every possible angle and is still willing to be my friend. Those are definitely for keeping.

The next day I was meeting 1/3 of OLGa where we played in the snow, took some pictures, had some cozy beer in front of the fire place and… Well, we were just OLGa being OLGa. Later on I met Simona and Marius. It was supposed to be longer meeting, but since they are also in just for a few days, it was kind of on the run. So instead of having a proper meeting, they kind of made me to promise them I’d come visit them in Geneva. Now I only need to buy the tickets.

So the next day I spent with my mom. We did nothing special, just stayed in, played some board games, had dinner and all that. then my sister joined and I actually left. It was time for the almost last person to meet – Wycka. Since he has a very limiting time, we decided to meet together with Goda as well. What I did not know, that the crowd of others will come too. So at the end we were having beers at a big tables having those nice, but about-nothing conversations. And before it was too late to catch the last bus, I left. I made that promise and I had to keep it.

Christmas Eve and Christmas was very easy, calm and simple. Most of the time we just stayed in, eating, watching TV, playing some board games, talking and drinking wine. After my whole run-and-work life in Denmark I need this.

And then.. on 26th I took a bus, went to the train station, caught my train and headed back to Vilnius. We even managed to meet with the other 1/3 of OLGa, too bad for only a little bit, but my time was really limited.

I then took the train to the airport, checked in and went for the plane. No surprises in any of the airports, so in no time I was back in Copenhagen. I was tempted to go and have a beer, but I knew that long working hours are ahead of me so it would be really smart of me to just stay at home and go to bed early.

Once again, it was a very smart decision. Too bad, I was the only one thinking like that. As some sort of `welcome back` thing I had a friend coming over and WITH hoegaarden bottle. I mean, how can you say no to that? so my plan to go to sleep early and sleep well before I go to work failed.

And I just found myself caught up in this trap later on. I wasn’t sleeping the nights, I was working days and I was just getting exhausted. Not that `fainting` exhaustion, but still pretty bad one. And sadly enough, I can only blame myself.

On the almost new years day, I had my worst day at work ever. Not because of the people, they were actually nice. I had cramps in my belly and they were getting worse. If that wasn’t enough, I started feeling weak, my head started spinning, I started seeing spots in my eyes and sometimes just plane black big spot. When the world started spinning, I knew it was already the `fainting` phase. So I went to the silent corner, fell on the floor, hugged my knees and hoped for the best. The best came. After about 5-7 minutes I started feeling a bit better and by the time boss told me to get my ass out of there, I was already able to carry the damn tray.

Since me and Gosia were supposed to be working both 31st and 1st we decided that this night is our little New Years. So we were having our few drinks at the end of the bar and it was just getting insanely busy. And it was just the two of them working. So after a few looks around, we couldn’t do it anymore – we had to help them. Gosia jumped to the bar and I did my turns on the floor and the dish. We had to do two of that kind of jumps in, because people were coming in non-stop as if it was Saturday or Friday nights.

Only about 2.15 a.m. when I was leaving they were starting to go out.

Since all of the new years days I have been working, I knew my new years are not going to be crazy this year. And it was okay. so after I finished my shift [later than I was supposed to] I got on my bike and went to Evija’s place. We had a few drinks with them, took champagne outside to the street, greeting totally empty buses with the New years, went back in, watched fireworks from the little balcony of theirs and once girls decided to go back to the Dubliner, I went to sleep.

It was a very smart decision. I woke up the next day a little tired, but feeling fine. I went to work, it wasn’t as busy as expected in the very beginning, so it was long, but good night. And then we had our second little New Years with Gosia, since she spent her new years in bed.

And now we get back to the yesterday, where, for a change, I had a day off. Too bad I couldn’t sleep in the morning, but then I cleaned my room, did my laundry, did my shopping and I was all done with it around 2p.m. Later on I got a present for a new start of the years – a flower. Me, a flower. You know that I am able to kill cactuses, and here, a flower. Well, I had to promise I will try not to kill it and I will try to keep my word. Wish me luck!

At the end of the day we went to see `the life of Pi`. It was a good movie and I really enjoyed something different for a change. Of course, after the movie everyone [or almost everyone] wanted to go to the Dubs and I joined. As always I left them all still there, but I left, because it was already after 2a.m., I was tired and I needed my sleep.

And this takes us to today. Where I lay in bed, where I magically managed to loose my ring, making myself getting ready to work and getting back on my feet.

Off Topic

There. We cracked it. And what I fail to understand is – why am I the brains here? I should not care at all. It’s not my deck, I ain’t stack it. You’re at the poker table.

Still confused and loosing it. I think I might know the outcome, but I’m afraid. Because no matter what the outcome will be, it will give me pain in the chest. Because no matter what, someone will get hurt. And at least one of those someones is going to be me.

But then again, we have to follow the dream. Not to keep attached to somebody else’s.

I experienced the nicest possible way for the start in the worst possible scenario. Still not sure if this is on the plus side or a minus.

I guess we’ll never know that, now will we?