15 Jul 2016

°Eternal ghosts°

°You’re pushing down on my shoulders
And emptying my lungs°

I had a very strange dream last night. Full of changing pictures, unconnected people and even weirder activities. But I think I learned something from it. This would be a challenging battle, but not unwinnable. I’m still a little shaky on the `if` part. And therefore I am not sure – should I go for it? Should I gamble? This is not even the casino at the end of the world, so I shouldn’t even think too much. But it feels like it could be a `casino-at-the-end-of-the-world` case, if only the cards were stacked correctly.

Something is keeping me behind though. And I still cannot figure out what exactly am I afraid of. Rejection?

°An in a moment I’m older
In a moment, you’ve won°

10 years. It’s been ten years of.. everything really, wasn’t it? First there was curiosity and hiding. Then external distance and distant familiarity. Then there was break of the ice, torn of the wall, walk through the fire and at the last minute – escape. A mistake. Or most probably a mistake. I don’t know if I would have managed to get out of there alive if I did not make an escape for it. But something tells me that would have been worth it.

And here we are now. 10 years later. 10 years older. Still not sure if wiser, but definitely more determined not to let this one slide. Just not completely sure how much effort I should put into it and how much would be too much. On the other hand, if you really really really want something that bad and for 10 years, maybe any effort can be and should be justified?

I think I’ll try. After all, I don’t want to spend the next 10 years trying to get older. And wiser.

And if it kills me in the process [figuratively, obviously], well at least I will cross one more thing from my bucket list. One can only hope not to get too disappointed.

°And you escape me
Like it’s nothing
Like words I never should have said°

I cannot concentrate on work. I cannot concentrate on my ongoing life. Deep inside I am curled up under the bed together with my monsters that live under it. Turns out, they are not so bad. They are fluffy and warm and they hold you, when no one else would.

I have to be honest, I was a little afraid to come to the dark side. But as it turns out, they have cookies. Everybody wins. Or at least me. And my favourite monster. But I won’t tell you his name. There’s no point to killing the rainforest under the bed.

°And the stress comes to the surface
But all of the heroes are dead°

Every time I hear `Cherry blossom girl` I travel back in time and in space. Back to South America. Chile to be exact. Santiago.. It was a mixed up experience there. Not the song, if anything the song made it better. I was in a bad place when I was in Santiago [again, not literally] and I made a lot of mistakes. But I also made some great friends and created non-forgetful memories. I have also managed to take it down a notch. Something I, at the moment, never even dreamed I would be able to achieve. But I did. Because forever never means and ever, and pain is always slowly metamorphosed to a memory. Sometimes even to one that can make you smile and does not stab you in the depth of your heart.

°And I hate that I can’t say your name
Without feeling like I’m part of the blame°

I know I am the one to blame. Somehow it does not make it any easier or better to cope. Sleep deprived and conscious full of guilt, you drag your tired body behind your mind. No questions asked. Just like no answers given. How long will the drag be? No one knows. Or no one is willing to share this crucial information.

The confusion helps.

°And it’s never gonna feel quite the same
But it’s never gonna change
And I hate that I’m always so young°

The perfect search for the adultier adult is still in progress. I might be a home owner and a holder of a secure job, but I am still the same little [age wise] girl with a little too heavy back-pack on my shoulders, in the train station somewhere in the middle of Serbia [or Kosovo, who knows anymore] in the middle of the night, surrounded by a few drunks, an old lady with a grandchild and the darkness. But still hopeful, still cheerful, still full of life and expectancy that it will all be alright at the end. Even though it does not and the next train provides with an unexpected, quite awful really [don’t tell my mom] surprise which makes you get off earlier, with aching shoulders. Still happy though. Because the paradise is almost just around the corner. Just like your goal to stay alive. And so you do.

Nothing is impossible for that little girl. Right there and then she realized that she can do it. All those pictures from the magazines with unknown language – they are now reachable, not just as pictures, but as real material pieces that can be touched. And will be touch.

It’s amazing really how smart and right that little girl was.

°Had me feeling like you were the one
And it’s never gonna feel like it’s done
‘Cause it’s never gonna change°

I may have dropped the uncertainty and all the questions clinging to it. I even let it go. Honestly. The only thing tying me to this drama is the tied up coin, ironically. I never got a chance to give it back. And that is another mistake I might regret. Until I do.

But something did change. Like the switch, that’s been off [or on, I’m no electrician] was switched off/on and then let go again. One little click and the whole world have changed.  Or at least the whole world of that little girl with the back-pack has shifted undonely. It triggered something, because she was no longer afraid of herself. She could do this, she could pull it off.

And even though the switch’s effect faded away, she could never be the same. Because nobody turned it off/on again. And her? She likes it just the way it is. Even not knowing which position it is in.

°While I dance here softly
You’re next to me again°

Why is it sometimes so difficult to not evolve? Just to stay where you are, without too much of the change, too much of the fuss. I am even ready to negotiate and settle for a small bit. Just that one bit, where I was happy and you were talkative. That one bit where I wore long stockings and you said no. That one bit where 40 minutes grew into 5 hours and one beer turned into many. That one bit where the hug meant more than anyone is allowed to accept.

Just let me go back to that one bit.

°But were still tugging on each other

And tearing up the fraying loose ends°