30 Sep 2012

°Falling slowly°

After a few days of working almost non'stop and getting only halfly paid, I decided it is worth it. And I am sticking to it. Well, too late to back out anyways. Just a few minutes ago I received an e-mail stated `confirmed`. Yes, baby, I am coming home for Christmas. But you know the funny part? All I want for Christmas, is you. And no, this is not happening.

Just as I pushed that magical button, I started thinking and dreaming of Christmas. And snow - my real Christmas sort of a thing. World, you have taken too much from me this week, can we make a deal in here - I get real Christmas this year, alright? You know, with snow and all that. I need this. And on some level I think you agree that you owe me that one. Just this once.. Let's not start war before we make peace.

But honestly, I think I opened some sort of a gate right now. It hit me. The harsh truth I was hiding under my hope. And still it's not leaving just yet.

Fear is powerful, but faith is stronger. And mine is still with me. If not, I don't know where I would be right now. Not here at least, that much I know.

Amazing how right after getting those tickets, I tried and search for the other ones. And then I stopped. I cannot do this anymore. I've been banned. How do I not forget? Should I write it down on my arm?

Soon it won't matter. Or at least I hope. Now if only I could get my snow on my Christmas. Or should I say your Christmas, since there is no that thing for me, if there is no white miracle all around.

Not much else matters. It's my `off` Sunday, which basically means studying, or trying to, anyways. There will be time for everything else. Sooner. Or maybe a little later.

Off topic

There are some certain things you prefer not to say out loud, so they don't get you too hard. Yet again, you need to spread it all out, so you can express your anger and move on lighter [metaphorically, of course] in the streets.

It hit me one day, how twisted the world is when it comes to relationships. I don't know, maybe it's our generation that's f.... up, but nowadays, when every boundary is more or less broken already, it's hard to say when you are with someone or when it's just a casual thing. At the end the power is in that person's hands, who did not break down first. Or in the one's who decided to leave. It's like.. you can never be sure until you have that ring on your finger. And even if you have a ring, you don't know where it takes you.

I'm not sure if I should take that as a total insult, or as a compliment [yes, because nutcases like me enjoy different style of life], or just crawl into bed and cry for days, but this reality actually hit me. I am not a girlfriend material. But as sure as hell I am, apparently, ex-girlfriend material. Ignoring the whole actions and behaviors, which, by the way, all the time sends completely different message, words say nothing. Yet again, at the end there is that secret, almost slutty ex, somehow appearing in the monitors. Deal with it, they say, it will be okay, maybe. And I do. Because you know what? I have a safety net, I will survive. And I am not afraid to scare myself with my faith trying taking a risk.

If I could ask for anything for my Christmas gift, I would ask for a Koala hug. Because that is where the magic happens. Outside my comfort zone. In a Koala hug. And then the world stops matter.

Somehow this one went deep in a heel

26 Sep 2012

°This is the world°

After a lot of work and studying and everything together I went for my escape. It was supposed to be great 6 days with awesome people. And it was. And then at the end it all fell apart. Once again: you promised me heaven, you put me to hell, repeated itself.

I came with no delays in my flight and met Rick at the airport. He greeted me with a balloon [oh balloons], even if by the time I got there it broke, it was still a sweet thing to do. We got to his place, had a few beers, dinner and a movie. It was an easy night, because he had to work and I had to go to another city to meet my friend.

On Thursday I packed my little day bag, took a bike [proper city bike that I still don’t know how to bike properly], got lost on my way to the central station, but at the end managed to get there in one piece and went for Rotterdam. There I met Alex, we walked around the city [which is nice, but not too much to see though]. I met his band, we had dinner, had some fun and I headed back to Amsterdam. I was a little afraid to get lost again and did not want to come back too late, because my host, from the working class, had to work the next day again.

So the next day I did my sightseeing in Amsterdam. I walked all around the main places: squares, streets, canals, millions of canals [or 88 beautiful canals]. I took pictures, I watched people, I did a lot of thinking and I was just plainly enjoying the company of myself.

I got back to Rick’s place, we had dinner and talked and soon after that it was time to go to a concert. I had no idea who was playing but he said it was supposed to be good so I believed him. At this point I almost trusted my biking skills with a city bike. Boy, did that burned fastly. Because apparently, biking after a local seems like a trap. He was going fast, ignoring red lights, against the traffic. I was shouting at him, laughing, I was scared completely and cursed a lot. I was literally so happy when we finally stopped at the bar that I still was alive. Here we met his friends and listened to the concert.

It was good, the concert. Not exactly, but on some level they reminded me of Suicide DJs. Not traditional sort of sounds, different instruments, different languages and only 2 people on the stage. We had fun. Then at the end we biked through the city a bit, stopped for one drink, talked about first kisses and all that and finally had to bike back home through the rain.

Off topic

You know that feeling when you look into someone eyes and you realize something very important. And you want to say it out loud, but something holds you back. So you sit there, swallow the words that just came to the tip of your tongue and hope it was a right thing to do. At the end you never know if that was smart way to go or a really stupid one. One way or another, you cannot change it anymore.

So the next day we had to wake up pretty early, catch a train and get to Antwerp. It was a silly thing a little, but I needed to see Alex playing live and since concert was in Antwerp, I had no choice. We got some kind of BB there [not exactly, but you stay at someone’s place and pay for it, I don’t know] – this amazing room of some artist’s [I am guessing, because all of the things in the place screamed there has to live some artistic person]. We went for a walk, we met Petra and Valery, had some very nice talks. Later on we met Didier, had a little walk around the city [it was sunny and very great day] and then he gave us a ride to the concert.

It was a one day strangely planned and organizer festival. There were so little people, that at some point I thought we are in the wrong place. We listened to Alex and his band playing, I made way too many pictures. Then we stayed and talked with them and finally went to search for tram. It was a long and cold way back to the place and then it was so good to get under those warm covers..

Next day it was raining, so we only had breakfast and headed back to Amsterdam. We met Alex [such a small world] in the train again, left them in Rotterdam and went home. We did some shopping and baked a brownie. And man, that was some delicious brownie. Especially the next day. Like a piece of heaven. So awesome, that I want to have it again.

Monday came soon and I went on my sightseeing day No 2 around the Amsterdam. I walked and walked and then rain started. So I got completely soaked. I was still ready to keep on going and the sun started shining, so at the end I decided to keep on getting lost and finding amazing things in the city. That was right until I saw this big cloud above me. I ran for my bike and started biking for home. I didn’t make it on time, of course. Firstly, I got lost without looking at the map and then I had to turn back and take the other root.. long story short – I got heavy rain on me again and by the time I got back home, I was soaked again.

When Rick showed up, we had dinner and talked a little before he had to go to football practice. I stayed in, since it was raining non-stop. Alex decided to come to the city, so I went to pick him up and we ended up talking about Greek Easter, TV shows and all the other fun things. After a bit Rick went to sleep, and then soon enough me and Alex joined the dreams kingdom as well.

On my last day in Amsterdam I allowed myself to sleep a little longer, then went for breakfast with Alex. We took the tram, went to the city, walked around Amsterdam for the last time and then we separated – he went to meet a friend for a coffee and I went to the train station to meet Rick and get to the airport.

After a long goodbye I took my stuff, got on the plane and in a mere moment landed in rainy Copenhagen. I went to the Dubs, because I needed to talk to someone. Good thing I found Gosia there, so I had my part of friend there. At the end I took metro, went home and slept.

And now the old/new schedule starts again. Dealing with same things, working again and trying to finish my studies. Nothing more to add.

Off Topic

Funny how things work sometimes. World, is this a new battle, again? Just when I thought I actually proved myself wrong and managed to open up again, you slam the doors to my face? Are you just enjoying messing up with my system? I don’t want to crash, and so I won’t. but I would still like to understand the reason.

Why you take it from me and in probably the best possible way for this situation that makes me feel even worse? Is this your way of saying – this is not for you. Get over it. Get with the program? Because  I am not so sure anymore.

Maybe I should have told something. Maybe I still should. I still cannot make up my mind. I want to take a risk. And I am quite sure I am willing to make a change. I am just afraid to make it worse. And no, not for me. For the people I care about.

One last chance?

I found our song. And now I think I will have to delete it from my playlist.

8 Sep 2012

°Every siren is a symphony°

It’s been a while. So little time and so many things are happening. And yet again, there is nothing to say out loud. Or type. Or anything.

It’s been a lot of work and not so much fun recently. Working for 13 days in a row and then only enjoying one day off, which is not enjoying at all, but doing all the things you were not able to do at those busy days is somewhat tiring. And I am tired. Of it all. I am happy on some level but I am not at my best. But it’s unavoidable, since, not like some people, I do not get everything on a golden plate. I actually have to work hard to achieve.

I finally did my shopping. And you should have seen the smile on my face when my new baby, my camera arrived. It was like Christmas and birthday at the same day. Happy like a little kid. All it takes is just a piece of a cleverly put electronics together to make me smile with laughter. Have you experienced that?

All the rest is still the same. I still have that stupid insomnia that makes me not sleep during the nights and then constantly tired during the day. And no, I have not considered taking medications for that. I refuse to believe that I have a serious condition there. It’s only insomnia. And I will beat it my own way. As for the panic attacks.. Those will fade as well. I finally learned to live with them and they are not as scary as that monster, coming out of the closet when I was just a little child.

I managed one more `to die for` from my list. And I have to thank the world for that. I asked, I made a deal and it delayed the fight for this. I got to see Coldplay. And it was an unforgettable memory that will not go away that easy. It started with Charli XCX. Her music was okay, but all I could think was `girl, who is dressing you?`. It was bad [to my eyes at least anyways], really bad. After her Marina and the Diamonds came and cheered my heart. While listening to `Primadonna` I was only thinking of that one person, who’s face is popping every single time in front of me when I hear it. I still cannot forget those eyes and that smile. Once Coldplay showed up, everyone went crazy. There were everything: lights, fireworks, lasers, you name it. And all those good old songs and new good songs.. Oh my.. That was definitely to die for. I still cannot stop listening to them. And after the concert I went to say hello to Mantas and to Michael, since I promised him that. In the Dubliner I met Gosia, Alan and a friend of his and stayed for a drink. One drink turned into several and before I knew I was helping them closing and finally, after leaving everyone inside, I went to meet Mr. Sleep. Insomnia was still there, of course, but after a few beers it is easier to beat her. I think she is not big of a drinker anyways.

A few days later we went on a little trip with my other job. We took a boat, went to some kind of an island, where they have all those team building games. It was amazing. I had a lot of fun, even though not understanding the language made it a little hard to be a part of the team, but I still managed to give advices to help to improve. It was a big amount of fun and joy, then some food and then some time of doing nothing. We had a little too much time as such, nothing to do, a little too cold for walks and all that. Still that was one of the best days in here. Especially for that little message I’ve got and proved me right. I knew it. And even though it did not lead to nowhere. Now I know. And now it is easier to play. Keep on going!

Of course I brought my bubble gun to the trip as well. And as little as fun it might look for some, I had tones of fun. I went on swings, I played with bubbles, I attracted some more people with that. I let myself being a little kid again for a change. Who smiles at such little thing as soap bubbles.

Off topic

Watching Gossip Girl made me realize how little drama there is in my life. And after finishing watching it, I got the whole GG’s style drama in my own life. It affected me more than I could have imagined, although thanks to that one person I managed to overcome it. That wasn’t my drama. I just somehow got involved in it. At the end I lost faith in a lot of people. But then again, I decided to try and give a second chance to one of them. Huge attempt and honest regret together with actions made me realize I did not make a mistake this time. I may never trust that person the way I trusted before, but I know that if I ever need, I will always have a friend to take my pint for me. It’s funny how in the middle of it all the person I did not even know before, was there for me. Not judging, not telling what to do, just being there. For me. Just like that. Faith in people is back on again.

Which reminded me of that one person. Who never ever judged me, who never requested for anything and yet, gave plenty. Who was always there for me and still is. Who is a true real friend that, at some point in my life, I thought only exists in fiction. True friends are for keeping and even though it took me a while to get there, I’ll try to keep this one. Selfish, you may say, and I would not disagree. But this is what true friends are for.

How important and how real is `Love` word for you? I guess I will never know. Because I will never ask. And you will never explain. Because you may not even remember of that moment. But I know that on some level you will always love me. Because you see something in me you wish you had. It’s never too late though, you know? You can still be whatever you want to be.

The more I live the better I understand. I am what I make myself. And I will be where I want to be. If I get stuck, it’s my own lack of believing. Or strength. Or anything. But I will always be honest with myself. And I will always be what I want to be.

It’s amazing how even after all those years you manage that. Despite of all my effort to keep the distance, not to get involved and being away. I still cannot run away from it. Is there a cure? Or is it simply faith and I just have to run with the flow. `See me ASAP`. And you don’t even mention where. I can do the timing, but you have to give me coordinates.

`Always  yours`. This goes both ways. Until the day of the papers to be signed.

I may never get over this. But it’s a lie. I just don’t want to get over this. I want and I can see I am moving forward. But at some point it will be your turn. Are you ready to try? Just say yes.

I know you meant that. And even though I may never get to the point where I get the actual answer, it’s enough for now. I have been right and it feels good. Not the being right part. But that part where that is actually true. It seems like we are building it. A bit after bit. This is going to be some big and strong thing. I’m just happy we did not screw this one up. Now.. almost nothing can tear that up. Do you smile too?

I have experienced blue moon. Michael got socks and I got this strange feeling. No wonder those things only happing on blue moon. And now, after almost a year, one night after the Blue Moon night I missed my misery of Santiago. Never thought it would happen. I guess I can still surprise me after all.

A thought. Why does growing up always comes in a package of boredom? I want those funny looking socks with hands and faces. No matter what others think. It’s cool. And it’s fun. And it’s me.

I had one more, completely unexpected, not tearless wave. It’s just this time it felt like healing. I think I may have done the impossible once again. Just a constant check-up, as a bad habit is left. I did not even rushed when I had a decent excuse. How cool am I?
I’m gonna run away. Not like Lola. I’ll take the Logan’s run. And there will only probably be one person to irritate me instead of holding my hand. What do you say world? Next pay-day? I’m on it.

Just like he said – it’s us against the world. And by us I mean me and Steffany. Because when it comes down to that – she is the only one on my side. Too bad world have one too many of the back ups. But we are becoming a stronger force. You are no longer in a picture.

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach so
She ran away in her sleep
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly 
Every tear a waterfall 
In the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes
In the night the stormy night away she'd fly
And so lying underneath those stormy skies
She'd say, "oh, ohohohoh I know the sun must set to rise