31 Mar 2013

°Take me higher°

It’s Easter and I’m spending it in bed. Alone. I don’t even have eggs [coloured ones or just regular] in the house. I am not going to lie – I do feel lonely a bit. No friends, no family, no mild or serious affairs. Nothing, just a plain nothing. And I am in the middle of it. I don’t feel particularly bad. Just as someone who is slightly depressed, I guess. I don’t even want to get out of bed or do something. I just want to stay there, wait while my thesis are magically gonna be done without me lifting a finger and then go, go away. For who knows how long and who knows where. To experience who knows what and meet who knows who.

You could say I am not in the best mood at the moment.

Nothing else is changing here. I cured myself, thanks to tones of ginger/lemon/honey tea and lots of time in bed. I worked the other days, so not so much time for anything else. Sadly enough – it’s the same plan for the next few weeks. With a little exception of Geneva trip and maybe another little trip to a non known location yet.

I’m trying to get myself to reading but it’s just isn’t happening. I just don’t want to. I know I have to, but motivation has taken negative speed. It just ain’t going anywhere, like a stubborn three year old.

I forced myself to shop and later on, who knows, maybe I will make myself to respond to some e-mails that are long due. I just have no mood for it. And I am not sure where to get extra.

Moving in two months. A little scared, but it cannot be worse, definitely. So, maybe it’s for the best.

And that? I don’t know. One day I wake up and it’s alright. Another time I wake up and it’s tearing me apart. I want to believe and I believe. But living with it is just not easy. Sometimes too difficult to handle. I’m about to crack really. What kind of a stupid thing I will do this time?

I got my perfect love back. And now I feel safer somehow. Just like with the dipper constellation. Calms me down.

I want to say no more. But I don’t want to lie. And that does not even convince myself. 

26 Mar 2013

°Leprechaunian routine°

Seem s like only yesterday we entered the official spring. Now, when I look at the calendar it tells me that almost one third of the spring is over. Sun is shining outside my window, kind of agreeing with it. Snow and ice on the roads, however just whisper `spring? What spring? I thought when it’s cold we call it winter`.

And I got sick. As much as I DO NOT enjoy being sick, this one really got me. I blame Denmark. I mean, what else is there to blame? I do get sick, occasionally, of course. But it’s always different kind of sickness. Not this stupid cold/fewer thing. It started with cold sore, followed by total weakness and sore throat. Then – temperature and more throat thing. Then almost collapsing at work where they finally kicked me out of. I think I am getting better now. I mean, temperature seems to have left me, coughing starts sounding a little better and I don’t feel like I want to just die. All this I only can say big thanks to my truly great friend – ginger+lemon+honey tea. I’m a little afraid I will soon be sick even thinking about this combination, but so far – I don’t think. I just take it. And it takes care of me. That’s the agreement at least.

In general it’s been a little busy month, but then again, mostly in my head. And, of course I have been getting myself in these stupid situations where I need to say no, but I can’t and then I won’t and then look at this – I’m in this big pile of crap and I don’t know how to get out of it alive.

At least sometimes I can blame it on being sick.

Constantly I get a question how my thesis is going. And every time I say `slowly` people start rolling their eyes. Sure, I understand them. It’s been a very long time. And yes, if I really wanted, I would have done it. Something keep me back. Not entirely though. I mean, I agree, I can probably be called an Elite failure, but it is not completely my fault. First my school messed up my credits, then I already had my internship, then I wanted to travel South America. Then I got back broke. Then my computer crashed. Then I needed a new camera. Then it became busy period. Then personal crisis. Then some more of that. Then some less of another that. Then finally I made arrangements. And then they fell through. And here I am now. Not a great excuse, I know, but that’s how it is.

I am getting more and more angry at myself actually. I need to finish. Now I do have this with. I don’t want to quit. I want to finish. Maybe meeting my old class mates made a difference. They actually gave me some motivation. They have been going through the same thing. It’s been hard on them too. It’s been like that and it’s been postponed one time too many. I am not the only one. I just took my time to get here.

It will get better.

Nothing much else is happening. I’m just trying to hold my horses.

And that? I don’t know. But I have made up my mind again. It’s official. Still only in my head. But it’s getting out of my hands. And this is my best and final offer. I just hope it’s not a mistake. Or that won’t be one.

Off Topic

Some scarily realistic dreams I keep on having recently. One day I have been dreaming how I got a Nintendo. I cannot remember the game I was playing on it, but there was something very interesting. And then you took it from me. No logic to be found.

And last night I had a dream where I learned you were getting married.
Just like that, I was left speechless.

10 Mar 2013

°Kryptomaniac surface°

In spite of everything. Nothing is happening. Well, almost, anyways.

I did the impossible this week though. I did not crack yet. I might, soon enough. Oh, just wake me up when Tuesday comes.

Finally some answers will help me to get to peace with myself. And no, I ain’t telling you what it is about.

On Thursday I went to the concert. You will probably not know them, since I thought I don’t know them either. The 69 eyes. Surprisingly though, I knew one of the songs. For a moment there I thought maybe it was just a cover, but since after I could not find it online, I figured – wow, I must have actually known them.. How? When? I guess I will never know now.

New sounds are catching up. There will be some blood.

P.S. I get a feeling I am making a very big mistake here. Who knows of course. But somehow I am starting to doubt. Or maybe just to see everything clearer. I have made up my mind. I have made a decision. There will be a deadline involved. And then.. No way back.

You were right. You don’t deserve it. But so don’t I.

3 Mar 2013

°Striping and wondering°

Every time I sat down to write an entry, I had to reconsider and do something else instead. My life is still a total roller coaster, but nothing I can talk about out loud. Well, that is life after all.

I have been working basically every day and then did one or another thing after.

I finished 1st and 2nd books of 1Q84, found a third one in the library and am still in the progress of reading it. Funny thing about Murakami. You either get addicted or you just don’t understand what this is all about. I happen to be one of the first ones. I get addicted. And there is nothing much else to add I’m afraid. If my one true love of life is travelling, Murakami would be my lover.

I am still alive. Still slowly trying to put my life into order and a schedule, seems to be optimistic. My school thing is still a banned topic, but I don’t loose hope. I simply cannot afford it. As for all the rest – it’s still a roller coaster. Which I decided to enter by my free will and if I crash.. Well, I guess it’s going to  be `oh well`. Still better than `what if`.

And yesterday I went to Sweden. Well, technically I just went to Malmo, which is in Sweden, but so close that it almost doesn’t count. Just for the concert. Those guys are amazing. They were to die for.

The Killers.

I said once – they will be classic to me. And I think they will. Such great sounds and from the looks of it – such nice people. Sincerely happy about you being in a concert, giving it all to play the instruments at their best and sing. When you sing along.

It’s been a good day.

Off Topic

I still cannot honestly tell you if that’s a mistake or not. And from the looks of it, I may never find out. Well, if I never find out, it means it was a mistake. But I’m already in and on the last day of winter I decided not to care anymore. I’m here for my own benefits. Selfish, true, but no one else is living for me, I have to do the job myself.

I may be naïve, but I believe. It’s an exception, not the rule. I may be wrong, of course, but I still believe. There has to be a reason behind it.

We’ll see. I may even share. One day.