30 Sep 2014

°Lifeless silhouette°

°Shadows settle on the place, that you left.
Our minds are troubled by the emptiness.
Destroy the middle, it's a waste of time.
From the perfect start to the finish line.°

It's been 2,5 years I have wanted to say this. Yet, as the time went, I already stopped believing I would ever get to say it. Seemed like one of those missions impossible that I might never kill and let come true. But I did.
`I am no longer an elite failure. I am an elite graduate`.

I have finally finished my studies. I am no longer a student. I am an adult. And sure, when your passport counts you're being 29, almost thirty, it should not scare you. Of course you are an adult, one might say. But I don't feel that. I still want to pack a bag and go. Just like that girl who travels. Scrape my knees, dance in the beach until the dawn, sleep under the stars or in a crappy hostel, sharing a room with 10 more people. I want to go, look, experience, meet, laugh and enjoy. I don't want to be an adult just yet. I still want to enjoy that life, that makes me feel alive. I want to go back on the road.

Will you draw a map for Saturday for me?

°We are reckless,
We are the wild youth
Chasing visions of our futures
One day we'll reveal the truth
That one will die before he get there.°

The world somehow became very big again. So many places I want to see and so many of them seem so far. Not impossible, just, one day too far. Or one day too soon. It makes me want to turn around.

So many decisions, so little time. Which path is the right one? Which concern is the biggest one? Which side of mind is the strongest?

This time I don't need you to hold my hand. This time I need you to give me an advice. The one you promised you never will.

And I cannot stop listening to this song. Somehow it feels very close. It even smells familiar. Just like me. Stings to the core. Maybe not to you. Would not be the first time the song sings to me and only me that way it would never sing out loud.

°And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones.
'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.
Setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong
The lovers that went wrong.°

There is a little chance that I might get another Christmas miracle this year. This time I really really want it. Real fluffy almost touchable miracle.
I don't know if I will ever stop believing miracles.

°And if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones.
'Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone.
We're setting fire to our insides for fun.
Collecting pictures from a flood that wrecked our home,
It was a flood that wrecked this home.°

Maybe it is time to build my own home. Just to make a first step. Little by little. At least in this case those pots would be put to good use. Finally. After 5 years.

°And if you're in love, then you are the lucky one,
'Cause most of us are bitter over someone.
Setting fire to our insides for fun,
To distract our hearts from ever missing them.
But I'm forever missing him.°

23 Aug 2014

°Undisturbed sunburned rainbow°

Sometimes you break your heart in a right way.

I did not break my heart. But I did sell my summer. Instead of going on vacations, enjoying sun, sand and sangria I spent some of the time in school, some time at home in front of the computer and even more time stressing out.

It wasn‘t easy, but I managed. And then on the 4th of August, when I got to the office of my professor what I heard was `so, you are done`. And then it hit me. I am actually really done. I finished my thesis, I wrote the whole thing by myself, I corrected it numerous times, I double-checked grammar again and again and now I am really done.

Of course there is still a lot to do. First, I need to wait and see if everything is definitely okay with my school. Because you know, with my luck and with my experience with my school, you never know. Then there is always a possibility of lightning to strike again. We‘ll see. Aside from that I have to go through it again. And again. And again. I have to prepare a presentation of some sort, prepare a speech of 10-15 minutes and get myself physically, emotionally and however else possible ready for the defence. Which is scary.

It will be alright, right? I think I will need you to hold my hand this time. Please don‘t get scared of the rain. It might be still possible to jump. Hold my hand.

It‘s a pending period at the moment. Nobody is telling me anything, so I am just sending emails hoping to get a positive answer. Nobody wants the bad news. I am not an exception.

Off topic

This brings me back to the times of 7 years ago. Wow, was it really 7 years? Damn, it, it really was. But I am stronger now. And smarter. And better prepared. Right? This time it was all me.

I stacked the deck. The history is not going to repeat itself.


What was thought to be the worst timing ever, turned out to be not so bad. And after my sister insisted for so long and so much, we booked the trip for both of us and for our mom to Amsterdam and Brussels. Including Bruges in between. And me wandering to Maastricht for a few days after. It wasn‘t my first choice. How could it been? But anyways, in the end it is what it is. Let’s just start from the very beginning.

So I packed my bag and jumped to a flight to Amsterdam. The 16:35 with norwegian.no to Amsterdam. As before. A few times. Bad habits die hard. As the times before, Mr. Patrick came to pick me up from the airport. Of course he cheated a little as I expecting him to come straight from work in a suit [!!] and he came in shorts and flip-flops. Such a disappointment. We took a train, then a metro. Or was it a tram? Sometimes I cannot tell the difference. We got to one of the many canals of Amsterdam and had a beer. Okay, I am not going to lie, we had a few. Who’s counting when you are enjoying an almost raining windy weather with a good company and an even better conversation? We knew that we only have a very limited time, however after I checked, internet stated that my mom’s and my sister’s flight will be delayed for 185 minutes. Yes, this is how it said: 185 minutes. I tried to reach them, got no response, so just hoped everything is okay. After we finished our beers, we got back to the casa of Mr. Patrick, which he nicely gave to me and my family for the weekend and made me dinner [who can say no to that?]. In the end, he left his own home leaving me there to wait for my mom and my sister. They showed up! About 5-6 hours later than expected. Some flight they had. Apparently they flew around Tallinn with flat tyre [don’t ask, I don’t know the details], had to land, then wait for the plane to be fixed, then get on a plane again.. It was quite a story they gave me there at 3 o’clock in the morning, even though we had museum tickets for the next morning.

So, after about 3, maybe 3.5 hours of sleep we went to explore Amsterdam. We started with Van Gogh museum, followed by.. basically the rest of the city. I won’t bother you with the details. We walked through the old town, checked a few churches, old houses, flower market and other good stuff of the city. We even walked through the red light district and the coffee-shops street. You know the one I am talking about, along the canal, where all you see are high tourists, souvenirs and that is practically it.

The lack of sleep was killing all of us. So after a still quite long walk around the old city, we got back home to the casa and had a nap. Some of us took a long nap, some short nappy, but at least everyone rested. In the evening all I managed was to drag my mom and my sister out for a little walk along the big canal close to home and that was it. Well, they were tired, I could have given that to them.

The next day had to start even earlier, since we had tickets to Anna Frank House museum. Now, a little hint here – if you are travelling to a popular European destination in a touristy season [a.k.a. summer] – buy all the museum tickets that are possible online. If not – huge endless lines are going to be what you will do most in the city. Same goes for the train tickets. Unless you want to stand there in the station, waiting for your number to show.

Anyways, Anna Frank House. I thought my mom knows the story and read the book. Apparently she didn’t. But that didn’t stop her from liking the museum. After that we took a walk in a slightly different side of Amsterdam than the day before, we got to the train station where I waited to buy the tickets for the next day and once I was done, I met up with my mom and my sister again for Nemo museum. It wasn’t as great as I remembered. I think mostly because most of those things take time to be translated to my mom and also because it is full of people. Especially kids. No, I still am not a fan of kids. Especially the spoiled brats, who don’t wait for their turn and try to push in. Or run and scream and step on your feet. No, still not a fan.

After Nemo, we took another walk in the city. We ended up in the windmill bar with different beers. Finally, in my trip, I had a chance to enjoy a beer. My sister did not like any of the beers, of course, my mom was okay with one and me, well, I like beer, I was okay with just being there. Having a beer. Who cares what kind? After beers we walked through the market, my sister and my mom were buying food and checking other things, then a little park, through the bridge over the canal and once again we found ourselves in the casa. For the last time. For the last night. The Amsterdam adventure part was almost over.

That night we were supposed to go for another walk. Just to see the city. However my sister and my mom decided they are too tired, Mr. Patrick was either still away or not in a mood to meet up with me and I couldn’t help myself but feel lonely. I am in the city that I really like and enjoy. Yet again, I got no one to even go for a walk and enjoy the city for another last night. Who knows when I get a chance to walk those streets again? Probably not any time soon.

Oh well, what the hell.

The next morning, early waking up, trying to do a little cleaning so the casa looks just like we left it and taking a train to Bruges.

There's a Christmas tree somewhere in London with a bunch of presents underneath it that'll never be opened. And I thought, if I survive all of this, I'd go to that house, apologize to the mother there, and accept whatever punishment she chose for me. Prison... death... didn't matter. Because at least in prison and at least in death, you know, I wouldn't be in fuckin' Bruges. But then, like a flash, it came to me. And I realized, fuck man, maybe that's what hell is: the entire rest of eternity spent in fuckin' Bruges. And I really really hoped I wouldn't die. I really really hoped I wouldn't die

In Bruges [check imdb for it]. This was the main reason why I wanted to go and visit Bruges. Climb up the tower. See for myself, what’s so un-special about Bruges. I wasn’t disappointed. My sister, to my surprise, was even impressed. All the good things finally come to those who wait.

Ray: A great day this has turned out to be. I'm suicidal, me mate tries to kill me, me gun gets nicked and we're still in fookin' Bruges!

Anyways. It is a great little old city. Very beautiful to walk around. Very touristy too, sadly. Although if you take a side street just 2 minutes away from the main square you can find these empty calm nice areas. In one of them we took a seat in little café and had my first Belgium beer in this trip. Since I found Rodenbach in the meniu, I took it. It is still definitely not the one I was looking for, though. I am starting to think I will never find it. Oh well.

If you ever doubted – don’t anymore. Bruges is definitely worth seeing. Just like the movie `In Bruges`. And no, I am not getting any money for advertising it. Just like I don’t get any money for advertising Decubal creams. It’s just worth mentioning. Sometimes the best marketing is good quality. All it takes. Even if Ray did not like Bruges, doesn’t mean you won’t too. It really is great. Here, take a look:

And after Bruges we took a train and found ourselves in Brussels. It meant only 1.5 days were left of the trip. Well, to my mom and my sister anyways. We got to the hostel and were pleasantly surprised. Well you know me, I can sleep on the floor and not complain. But my sister is a different person. So if she was happy, it was an achievement. I booked it through booking.com so I found some kind of special offer there, but still worth checking it out: Meininger hotel.

The first night we did nothing, we got in pretty late. We just went out, found a pizzeria, had some food and went to sleep. The next morning we got up and had a plan to see the whole city. It went better than I expected. To begin with, it was very peaceful and refreshing to walk the morning. No people, no rush, no noises, just a city, waking up. We walked the churches, pissing kids [both a girl and a boy], royal palace, parks, triumph arcs and so so on. In the late afternoon we got back to the hostel for a little break. Then in the early evening me and my mom went to that 5th or 4th [depending on where you read about it] biggest church in the world and later on we met up with my sister for the last supper [dramatic music] and a little walk in a lit city.

On the last day of the trip we went back to the royal palace, since in summer time you can go in and see how kings and queens actually live, went down to Notre Dame, Justice palace, found a shop where my mom and my sister could buy chocolates, then in the end we got to the station, found the shuttle bus for the airport and it was the end. I waved and they left.

Unfortunately I did not have much time there, so I just went to get a ticket for myself to Maastricht where I went to see a friend who knows me since we were in diapers. Who has seen me in my best and in my worst and still wants to hang out. I got there in no time. Inga came to pick me up from the station, took me home, then to the shop, then made me dinner, took me for a walk and we had a nice relaxing evening with a few beers at home.

The next day she had to go to work and I went out to do my own exploring. I walked the same paths as yesterday, found some new ones, climbed up the tower they have in the centre, walked a little more, even did some window shopping. I had a very touristy day. In the end of my walk, I was told to go back home, because dinner is almost ready. Talk about full service.

After dinner we went for one place, which was closed, so we ended up in another bar? I wanna say bar, because we only had beers there, but it could have been a cafe. Anyways, we had a quality time there. Good beers, nice service and endless conversations that we both knew, if we kept going, morning would be knocking on the windows in no time.

On the last day I went out to do my little shopping [beer and chocolate, no secrets there], we had a few more conversations, I was fed and taken to a train station. The trip was officially almost over.

In the train close to me two kids were sitting. I was sure they are no more than 15, but they probably must have been at least 16, since they had passports. Anyways, just as we crossed The Netherlands-Belgium border, some people, I would assume police volunteers came in and started to check everybody‘s passports and tickets. Now I am not sure if they had a very good eye, or those kids decided to give up voluntarily, but they started taking weed out of their pockets. So they got body checked, their passports were taken and I would assume they were on the way to get a fine. Or at least a warning. I would not know, since they spoke French and I had to get off right after they got caught.

Still. Fun, huh? You go just a few kilometres and there you can get caught.

After some time I finally got to the airport, checked in, everything was according to the plan and the only thing I was worrying about that moment was my beer. Well, my beer and my flowers, left at home. After one not so easy bike ride back home I checked my flowers and they were fine. Beer survived the trip too. All 15 of them. They are safely waiting for a special occasion to be enjoyed now. Next to the chocolates. That are also waiting to be consumed.

And that is it. I am trying to get back on the tracks, find my peace with the world, get into the routine [work next week will definitely help with that] and wait for the defence day. Somehow feels more like a judgement day. I hope I’ll survive.

Off Topic

I am now in a weird situation. Not in here, in my head. That real-imaginary world of mine. I don’t seem to be able to slap out of it.

Just like that time, I find myself in the casino at the end of the world. At the poker table. The deck has been stacked. Except this time I am not the only one confused at the table. You are so confused yourself. Even more than me. And I never thought it would ever come to that.

I know I am not going to make a bet, but it sure feels good knowing that you do not know that. Even better knowing that you wish I did.
I am not sure how that makes me feel. And at a different casino or different end of the world I might be making that bet. Not this time, though.
I sacrificed enough.
I just thought about it again. Yes, enough. More than I should have.

You looked into my eyes and told me that I made a right choice while you made a mistake. `I had no choice` - I am telling you and you look at me in disbelief. You made a choice and I had to accept it. I tried to reject it, but you wouldn't take it. You left me with no choice. Eventually I accepted it.
Are you sure you want to change your mind?
Now the ball is in my court. Damn, that feels good. Even if lonely.

I will slap out of it. After all, it’s not every day you meet the monsters of your own life. And grab a coffee with them. With a cookie. 

7 Jul 2014

°Flying Trapeze°

For the last week I have became a chef. Funny even to me a bit, but it was an easy way of reassuring myself I will have enough money to pay for my rent and my food, so why not, right?

It went surprisingly well. We [since we were two of us there with no previous cheffing experience] were constantly complimented on how good and fast we were working and that if we looked for that kind of a job, we can find it easily. Maybe it's time to reconsider of what I want to do in life?? ;)

I had also a pleasure of `running` a kitchen for two evenings. I say that, because technically it was true, while on a practical level... I was left alone, had o set up and clean up a buffet for people to eat. No one else was there, just me and the food. And I managed. From what I've heard, I managed good too.

And Friday was the last shift for the time being. Of course there probably will be more, but for now, that part is over. Bring it on, thesis! All the attention is now to you. Wish me luck. No, wish me a miracle.

I had a friend over for a weekend. Which amounted to some nice conversations, a few drinks, not too many, some decent amount of sleep every night and walks in the cemeteries or parks. We had a very relaxing and slow going, but very much needed weekend.

And now it's the new week. Surely I had big plans for my Monday. However I slept for 12 hours straight, woke up late enough, had some breakfast, went to the post office to pick up my package, went to the shop, installed word on my new computer [first step towards my thesis being done on this computer] and I consider that it was a long enough day and I deserve a break. Maybe another 12 hour sleep night. And then tomorrow. We are going to try and rock the science world.

You don't need to follow me there. I know the way.

°°I'll be the first to say
That now I'm okay
And for the first time
I've opened up my eyes

This was my worst love
You'll be the first to go
And when she leaves you for dead
You'll be the last to know°°

30 Jun 2014

°On Fire°

It's been quite a busy times. Sadly, those are not over yet.

I have been helping my friend to move, I had to move myself. This time it was a little easier, I had a cargo bike to help me with. Apparently with all of my wish, I still managed to collect quite a bit of the things. Now I am travelling here and there with 3 bags, set of sleeping gear, sports bag and a drawer of flowers. Yes, a drawer. It includes three flowers that I still managed not to kill. Woohoo for me.

I also booked and had my ex room mate bringing me two new toys. I say toys, because I still haven't used them accordingly, I guess. But the two include a tablet and a new laptop computer. I know I may not have needed a tablet, but I wanted one. And as far as it goes for the laptop, my old one started showing weird lines on the screen so I knew it is already counting it's last days.

Other than that is was work work work, thesis, work thesis, thesis. 

I don't seem to be able to get out of that circle, because every time I think it is almost over, I get a phone call asking to work more. And I need the money, I need the job, so I say yes. Not that much anymore though. Sometimes [and I know it's hard to believe] I say no.

Other than that there is nothing new.

Except that everything looks different. Maybe it is going to be okay in the end?

°°We sat and made a list
Of all the things that we had
Down the backs of table tops
Ticket stubs and your diaries

I read them all one day
When loneliness came and you were away
Oh they told me nothing new,
But I love to read the words you used°°

7 Jun 2014

°My empire of dirt°

And here I am again, in the casino at the end of the world. Left out, still not being able to make out of what I have done wrong. Just like that – left out. No explanation, no conversation. Just a spinning silence.

And now I am not sure which table to go to. I toss a coin for the answer and it just caught hanging in the air.

I really don’t know.

°°I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real°°

I haven’t done anything wrong, have I? I was honest. I was just trying to be honest. And to maybe fix it up afterwards.

I am not a great person. But I am not a horrible one either.
I was just trying to meet you half way. That is not too little. Or is it?

°°What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end°°

And you keep asking me why it is so hard for me to trust people.
And I always respond to you with why is it so hard to keep promises.

°°Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here°°

I bought a new computer and a tablet yesterday. Just when I was making purchases, I felt this urge to share news with you. And then I realized – I can’t. And I even don’t know why.

°°If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself

I would find a way°°

31 May 2014

°Jumping a flaming fence°

Nothing changed since the last time.
Why am I lying? A lot changed. 

A part of me came back. Another part said goodbye.

And the middle one decided to be happy.
For the middle-self. And for you.

°°I dreamt about you nearly every night this week
How many secrets can you keep?
'Cause there's this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow
And I play it on repeat
Until I fall asleep°°

I have been trying to pleasantly surprise two people this week. One of them, a new found great friend, just got older a day ago. Another one is a colleague at work who is leaving our working area. I managed to catch only one of them. But she was very happy. And surprised. I got three hugs and she got beer flowers and a few small gifts. That good feeling flew through me when I managed. Manage to surprise and to make someone smile. 

The other one will have to be surprised next week. We'll manage. Not like it's the first time. Oh wait... For us, it is a first time. For the first time the two of us will try to surprise someone. Another special bond to share. Just like capability of running into the doors. 

Only special ones like us can do that.

I'm smiling. How about you?

°°(Do I wanna know)
If this feeling flows both ways?
(Sad to see you go)
Was sort of hoping that you'd stay
(Baby, we both know)
That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can't say tomorrow day

Crawlin' back to you°°

My dreams are still weird. And I keep on forgetting them. Maybe I should start dream diary. 
Interesting, but I cannot even remember what I dreamt last night. I remembered it this morning, but why I cannot now? You were there. There was something about you that made me a little worried. Or confused. Or something. 
See, if I have written it down, I would not have to wonder right now.

°°Crawlin' back to you
Ever thought of calling when you've had a few
'Cause I always do
Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new
Now I've thought it through
Crawlin' back to you°°

P.S. No, not you, you.

24 May 2014

°Troubles and rewards. Kisses and reports°

The summer of some sort has finally arrived to Denmark. You start realizing that when you stop needing gloves when you are biking to work at 6:45 in the morning. Or when you can unpack your summer clothes and shoes. Especially when you go outside in the park or just on the bench to have your lunch or just coffee break while you are in school.

That's all it takes. And then you see many people occupying every little piece of grass outside. Summer. With such short summer here, nothing else to be expected I guess.

My life is almost the same. We work, we laugh, we go to school, we read until our heads explode and then the next day we repeat the whole thing again. 

Work is becoming more and more fun though. Honestly. Same people as always, just the ones that are really great to be around are there more often. And it's super fun. Especially when you stay for a beer after the shift. And then it goes. You even plan half of your future, create babies and give them names. Almost divide house works between the two. 

I never thought I will meet so many and so great people in the working place. 
Some of them, who leaves for better places, say they'll miss me. 
And I know I'll miss them too.

My potential homeless days are over. Or almost over. 
For the 40 days starting with 1st of June I will become a part au-pair. Yes, I know, you can stop laughing. But I will live in a nice area of the city in a nice place and I will save up on rent, which is expensive in this city. Then I will have 8 days of homelessness [but hopefully my friends will allow to crash on their couches. And then I will have a dorm room, all to myself. Cheap. So I'm happy. And I'm settled until the February of the next year. It is not too bad, I have to say.

And I'm learning. Tax Havens, BEPS, taxes and all of the stuff I need to learn. And not to forget. At least as long as I'm not done. 

Off Topic

I honestly did not plan it this time. But I'm coming back. It will be a little weird. And it will probably hurt a little. But then again, I think for as long as we shall live, it will always hurt a little.

Funny how sometimes circumstances are the ones to blame. 
Not without our help of course. But still.

A little regret.

Just like a big smile appears on my face every time we talk and that's not often. It's been almost 9 years. And it seems like it was just yesterday.
I think of you as a friend as well.

No bad memories. Only good ones. Together with the well known fact it's not completely over. Not at least to half of the party. 

It's a shame you did not know that from the start. 

The casino at the end of the world misses me. You don't bring nearly enough of highest bets. Even though you are still stuck there. Good luck. I'll raise a glass.

13 May 2014

°Nesting trombones°

Days are passing by very fast when the only things on your schedule are work and sleep. Any free minute you feel like you want to give to yourself. Just for a little rest. Stupid, nothing to amount to, movie or same old TV show that never fails to make you laugh.

That was kind of me recently. I don’t know where that time went. I woke up this morning and it was already the 13th. I’ve been working.

And last week I was working in Eurovision. While the first few days were really alright and not too hard to handle, the last one was … a challenge. 16 hour shift was followed by a few beer right there in the same tent we were serving regular and VIP person. It was so much fun. Everyone was really tired and very happy. Mainly because it was over. Some – because of the winner.

Me. I have my own favourite. And it wasn’t the bearded woman. And not because of the beard. Because of the song. I know and many people do, I guess, that Eurovision is not about the song. It hardly ever was. Sure, song makes an impact, but that is not the only factor. Politics, immigration, You name it. However I do not understand this whole `news of the day` thing. So, a drag queen got on the stage, sang a song [it’s your own choice to like the song or not] and had a beard on. So what? Since when this is news? How come now, that it appeared in Eurovision, is suddenly a big deal? There are plenty of drag queens in the world. Many men, since old days, dressed up as women for the shows, no one cared. Now, suddenly, it’s an issue. People are weird.

On the other hand, great marketing strategy. Very well done. Everyone talks about it.

And I just got back to the same old same old. Working, reading articles and looking for a place to stay. Which is very tiring and even more making me depressed. I am seriously starting to think about going away somewhere. Spain maybe? Just lock myself out somewhere in the middle of nowhere with internet and write. Just like that. At least I wouldn’t need to look for a place to live.

So exhausting.

°°You’re gonna wake up
It’s only a dream
And why do dreams make people scream°°

Off topic

I’m lost. Not sure what I do, what for or why.

I feel alone. And I think I enjoy it. It makes me feel a little strange. And scared.
Looks like I am screaming in the dreams.
This is why.
Now I get it.

°°You’re not alone…

What if it’s all in one kiss
That turns all seeds into trees
The strongest wind into breeze

Enter all doors without keys°°

27 Apr 2014

°Post-lantern syndrome°

°°I try to make it through my life,
In my way, there’s you
I try to make it through these lies
And That’s all, I do°°

I miss the road. The uncertainty, the smelly crowded dorm-rooms, sun burns. Everything. Everything and anything that others will never understand. Unless they made friends with the road.

Not even you.

I just spent 2 hours watching ‘A map for Saturday’ and most of the times I just smiled and nodded, because this is exactly what you experience and what happens. If you are a backpacker as such, you have been there. You landed in the city you didn’t know. You were wondering around with all your belongings at night looking for a hostel, not knowing which direction to go to. You met someone special and fell in love. Strongly. Passionately. Truly. You met people who could share your life story with, you hung out with people you easily could call your best friends. You had heart breaking goodbyes. The squishingly hard goodbyes, because you know you will most probably never see him or her again. Tears that you will let run down your face or hide underneath thick skin you were forced to grow while on a road.

°°If you were dead or still alive,
I don’t care,
I don’t care°°

Once again, I felt that spinning pain in my chest. And a need to pack and go. Doesn’t matter where or how. Just to go. And maybe never return.

°°Just go and leave this all behind,
Cause I swear
I swear
I don’t care°°

Off Topic

Isn’t it funny, when someone, who is the best friend for you, doesn’t even consider you to be a first-level friend?

Just like music. Which gives your heart vibes. And you don’t seem to be able to stop listening.

I don’t care.

°°(Love changing everything)
(You won’t be there for me)°°

22 Apr 2014

°Vintage Resonance°

°°I can't escape this hell
So many times I've tried
But I'm still caged inside°°

Once again, I got lost in a time and when I actually opened my eyes, it is already the end of April.
Not much happened in a mean time, so not big loss. Except the cage somehow became too narrow. Or maybe I became too big.
[Insert all you know `big` jokes here]

Two days in a row I went to school. And I opened the papers. I read the lines. I wrote a few too. You may think it’s a piece of cake. But in my world, it’s the piece on the highest shelf. And I am not the highest. Not yet at least.

Only one more button to press, one hope to appear to be true and into the wild we go.

°°Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven't missed you yet°°

Anything. I will do anything if you only took those dreams from me. No more holding hands, the *** just hit the fan. I need those dreams disappear. Away. Gone. Whatever it takes. Don’t be afraid to break the laws.

One last time? For me?
I know you’re smiling.

Those clear, vivid dreams, where you can almost smell the big pot of Vietnamese old lady’s soup. Or almost touch those step mountains. And feel the real shiver inside of  you when somebody calls out the name with eyes, full of fear. `Lee`.
And the curtain goes down.

°°Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself°°

And then there was this real fear. Real almond [I still don’t agree] eyes and big flaming fear in them, digging so deep you want to scratch the back of your head. 9 more days and then we will see if something bigger will join fear to burn down those almonds.

°°I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
You hate everything about me
Why do you love me°°

There was time for Love. There was Love in the time of Cholera.

Off Topic

I really dislike those moments in my life when I feel completely lonely. No, not alone, lonely. It seems like even if you picked up a phone no one would answer [And you know that from before, when you tried, no one did]. When you only want to huddle in a ball, cover yourself with thick duvet and not to come out. You know it’s not the option, but that still doesn’t kill your wish. And the moment passes, just like everything else.

We passed too, didn’t we?
Weird, for a long time I thought we won’t.
It hurt to try, but it was worth it. Even if only for that one sparkling moment. When you lied and I knew truth was different.

°°Tonight I start the fire
Tonight I break away°°

You stopped writing. And I never really started. We both made a mistake. And now I don’t know if I can invite you to a battle.
I may never trust you enough to go to reconnaissance with you, but you shouldn’t feel bad. I probably don’t trust anyone this much.
Or maybe I do?

°°Tonight my head is spinning
I need something to pick me up°°

°°At night I feel like a vampire
It's not right but I just can't give it up°°

15 Mar 2014

°And the story goes°

March started, seems like only a day ago, yet we are already counting the 15th of it.

Time, can we make a deal here please? Stop. No, I am not asking you to stop completely, can't you just go a little slower? Take your time, don't rush, some of us have no capabilities of catching up with you. It's not that much to ask, now is it?

My March started with what was supposed to be as a hopeful new agenda. I signed up for gym. I sat there at home one day and realized - I need something to make me more active and happier. It was a long shot, of course, but I figured you cannot go wrong with sport.
I am not sure just yet how good or better my life became after that, but I am definitely not going to give up just yet. It still takes my energy so far, but this is just the very beginning and soon I am hoping for an energy inflow rather then outflow.
And a nicer, fitter body for the summer is just a nice additive, right?

Other than that, in the recent days, I only managed to visit Lithuania. And even though it was a short and quite tiring visit, it was a good one too. I started with landing in Riga, taking a bus to Klaipeda, meeting Diana for the first time in maybe 3 years, talking most of the things over, then managing to walk to the center of the city, finding my friend's place and waiting for him to arrive.
He got back home after a long day and since we still had lots of time to kill before the concert, he suggested we open a bottle of wine. Soon enough the bottle reached it's bottom, we started cooking some food, opened up the second bottle and talked about what was happening in our lives.
Once in the concert, we had to wait for our other friends, being all fashionable and late. The concert itself was a nice cover of Depeche Mode, and even though I am not a big fan of them, it was fun being there and taking pictures, talking to my friends and enjoying being back in my home land.
After the concert we got to another bar, had a beer, finally decided that it is getting really late and went to sleep. We were all crashing my friend's who is the only one living on the coast place, so he was forced to go sleep at his friend. Such nice friends I have.
Next day we got to Nida, where magic happens. Or at least you always hope for it. Everyone in our group is crazy enough and usually disturbed enough one way or the other, that sea wind, going through your hair and your head is sometimes exactly what you need. And we did. We spent a few hours at the seaside, sharing sparkling wine, playing with kite, taking pictures and walking along the sea. All hoping for one or another miracle to happen.
And we finished the whole experience with some wine warm at home on the sofa. The next morning I left everyone still deep asleep and went for the bus - my mom was waiting for me back in Kaunas.

All went better than expected. I managed to get to bus, then to a boat, then to an earlier bus to Kaunas, be dropped off closer to my mom's than station and by the 1p.m. I was already congratulating my mom with international woman's day.
My sister came too, we had dinner, we talked, we walked, we went to the city, we played board games, we joked and we made decisions.
But soon enough Tuesday came and me and my sister took a train [not a midnight train] to the capital.

There I met Simona, we went for a beer and fried bread as a cake for her soon upcoming birthday. I got her a present, little did I know she had one for me as well. Sadly I was already running out of time, so our meeting was short and I rushed to meet Ieva and Jurga for our good old tradition - beer and kebab.
Before we knew it was already rather late and we had to hit pillows. The next day I got to the shops to buy all the good stuff you cannot find in Denmark, met with my sister, had a quick coffee and lunch/snack/something and got dropped off at the airport.

And there my visit was over.

1.5 hours later I was already back in Copenhagen.
And life seemed to be in order.
Although I still cannot get back to my normal routine of sleep. I hope it will recover soon.

Off Topic
Just as I predicted. Some things just never change. And I rarely am wrong about it.
Some chaos came back, of course. But not the storm. I learned to let go and I did.
Now I am learning to feel again.
Don't hold my hand. I need this storm to pass me alone.
And then I'll get out stronger.

26 Feb 2014

°Baby, give me one more night°

It was a weird time after I got back from Israel. I don’t even know what happened. I was so full of positive energy and optimism that I thought it will be very easy to come back `home`. But it wasn’t. There was something inside me that just did not want to let it go. Or was it me?

After a while I stopped questioning. And a little more after that, I knew I need to take action.

So what happened during those almost two months after I got back:
-I got older
-Black Swan 2nd birthday
-Monika, sweetheart as she is, threw me a surprise birthday party
-I brought some cake to work for my birthday, got lots of `congratulations`
-I made my own birthday `party` with good food and some balloons as a present
-My body grew a `friend` and I had to struggle by going to the doctors, achieving nothing, starting to really dislike them, finally achieving an appointment, getting a little incision and finally living `friend` free
-I went to a few seminars in Social Media Week
-30 seconds to Mars concert
-Thai food fest. Making Tom Yum, Pad Thai and then eating a lot of desserts after that.
-Participating in Chinese New Years [one month too late]
-Receiving way too many shifts for work for March [I probably really shouldn’t be complaining].

January is a birthday for my friend’s bar. This year it was the second. So I rushed to the Bulgarian shop that has a little section of Lithuanian stuff, bought a bottle of Starka [his favourite] and we went to the party. I wasn’t up for staying for too long, neither was Wycka, but, almost as always, one beer led to another, one conversation followed the second one, more people were coming in, more people that we knew were coming in and…in the end we closed the bar. But it was a fun night. Lots of laughs and good memories.

The next day I was invited to come to Monika’s place. She said she is gathering some girls from work to have a lunch kind of a thing. I did not suspect a thing. I got into her place, took my jacket off and once she opened the door to her room people started singing Happy Birthday, throwing balloons and blowing soap bubbles. It was all very nice and really unexpected. So we spend a lazy Sunday talking, unwrapping presents [Signe just had her birthday too, so she got some presents as well] and enjoying good curry.

The day before my own birthday I got a few hints at work to bring a cake. I wasn’t supposed to be working on my birthday, but once I got a shift, I figured, that’s the least I can do. So I did it. I spent maybe 5 hours in the kitchen trying to make a nice looking and tasting `ant hill`. I managed. People really liked it at work, I even got a bottle of sparkling wine from my boss and many compliments on my cake. Mission accomplished. And, of course, I made another cake to myself. That’s what happens when you are a bit addicted to sweets. So in the evening after work I made some Pad Thai, Shai came by with bouquet of balloons and Lithuanian beer and we `celebrated` my birthday.

At some point around that time, I felt the same tingling pain right next to my scar, and I instantly knew what that will be. I tried every home remedy to get rid of this `friend`, whatever you call it, lets say cyst. Nothing happened. So, after a few weeks of struggling I went to see the doctor and she told me `it will go away`. That made me really angry. I mean, Danish doctors only know two things – take some painkillers OR it will go away. I knew it wasn’t going away, but I had no choice, but to wait. So after two weeks I got another appointment and this time she finally sent me to a specialist for a little `surgery`. I say surgery, but it’s really more of an incision. I mean, I only got out with two stitches, that not really a surgery, is it?

Anyways, the exact thing happened just like a year ago. I got it done, then I got paranoid it’s infected, I went to see doctor again, they told me it’s nothing, a few more days passed, I went to remove the stitches and that’s it. I’m finally whole again. Woo hoo. Still not big fan of Danish doctors though. But on the other hand, don’t think I can blame them much. After all, most danes go to doctor for every tiny simple problem, which usually do go away or can be cured by painkillers.

This last week here in Copenhagen was Social Media Week, full of free seminars. I only got to it a little too late, so most of the seminars were already fully booked. Initially I signed up for 4 and then canceled one. After the first one, that was pretty crappy, I thought I am not going to risk it. I liked one of them. There was a guy from IBM and another one from some consulting company [cannot remember the name right now]. They had the speaking to the audience skills and really explained the whole thing well, on how business can use social media to be more successful. The last seminar I went to was in UN City. The guy was interested, although some of the things he said were pretty empty. But I liked the UN City. It got me thinking – maybe I should try to get an internship there. They are international people and I can multicultural experience..

At the end of Social Media Week I went to 30 seconds to Mars concert. And before you ask – of course alone. It started pretty well. The supporting band from Scotland was pretty good and 30 seconds to Mars came to the stage on time, managed to get people to jump and dance from the very beginning and it was starting to look like it’s gonna be one hell of the concert. But then it went down a little. I mean, it’s small details, of course, but I guess those matter. At least to me. First of all, Jared [the lead singer] asked to girls to come on stage with him, but since one of them starting gasping air and crying, he gave all of the attention to her almost ignoring the other one. I mean, how should the other one feel in a situation like that? In the end he did hug her too, but still.. Then there was this pretty unoriginal anymore thing with throwing balloons to people. And so on. But in general – songs were good, people were turned on, so in the end I guess you could say it was a good concert.

The next day after the concert we met up with Monika, went to my favourite shop in Istegade to buy some Thai goodies and went to her place to make some good supper/dinner. We were total of 7 people there, two dishes: soup and main noodle dish. We drank Lithuanian beer and two exclusive Belgium beers, one of them brought from monastery. We were all very different people, brought together only because someone knows someone and so the evening went well. People said they liked my food [I could only hope but since half of them went for a second time, I guess it couldn’t have been too bad]

And the day after that we went to a celebration of Chinese New Years. That was a little disappointing. A lot of speeches, then 3 minutes of kung fu demonstration, 3 minutes of ladies dancing, 3 more minutes of singing, then buffet and karaoke, which we skipped. We went for coffee instead. And later on to some coffee place to sit down and relax. It was Sunday after all.

And coming to the present moment, I am here, trying to put the last dots on i’s. I cleaned my sheets, I received a letter stating that I will be quite busy in March, I talked to Monika about possible sport club to attend, I cleaned my room, I bought ingredients to make lasagna [for the first time in my life, so wish me luck] and cake and I think I will start living again. I mean I have to. The time is ticking out.

Shall we?