31 Mar 2011


It’s already a well known fact that once you are not traveling, there is so much less things you can write down about your life. Routine kicks in pretty quickly and things are repeating themselves and always the ones, you don’t want to repeat out loud.

But whatever happens, my life is still full of surprises, unforgettable moments, emotional crisis and especially many million happenings inside my head. As I should have told maybe today that `if you think I am overreacting, you should be inside my head`, I kept it to myself. Some things, you just need to keep to yourself. Am I right?

Perfect weekend with a Perfect girl’s birthday

The spring came pretty fast, although it was still winter on the outside. With the spring, my dear oLga’s [who needs, will understand] birthday came along as well, so some of us were invited to the perfect, or if not perfect, then pretty damn close to the perfectness place – Nida. The long weekend came in handy, so we packed our bags and hit the road. Well, almost just like that, easily, hit the road.

I started my trip with Jurgita in Ieva’s Čiundra, Vilnius-Kaunas (Goda’s place) destination. We came in, found our girl to be sick, but we still were tough Lithuanian chicks, therefore we still were sticking to the plan to go to the place and enjoy it all. We went to get a public transportation, so we could catch a bus to Klaipėda, and that went a little wrong. It was kind of raining/snowing and our bus never showed up. After waiting till `almost too late`, we called a cab and asked the drived to go faster, so we could get into the bus.

We were joking around that if bus is full, we are screwed, but one of us was sure – we are definitely going to get in. Turns out, she was right, we did get in, although the bus was kind of full. So we sat in, started chatting, gossiping, laughing and do all the rest awesome girly stuff.

We got into the city where oLga, Mr. Plus and Pėčka was waiting for us. So here we were, 6 of us [it turned out later to be the perfect dream team] walking around the city, coming to the pier, taking a kind of little boat [well, people call it ferry, I still call all ferries boats] and got into this peninsular [wow, I even managed to spell it right], where Nida is located. We got `pleasantly` surprised that the bus is going not `now` like we were expecting, but in two hours. Well, this is just getting better and better. So we did a little walk. Forwards and backwards, ate some sweet birthday cake, walked some more, got some tea, walked some more. Finally, the bus came along, we took the bus and we almost could have felt the destination in the air.

First thing we did in the place, was coming to some little cozy restaurant for some brilliant mushroom soup and hot wine. The things started looking up and we were already having a lot of fun joking around and getting warm and comfortable. We finally got into the place, which we were calling our temporary home for the weekend. We started with a late dinner, which we ended with tones of hot wine, UNO game and many million pieces of jokes and talked. We have been sitting there till 4 a.m., listening to the good old songs and talking endlessly. We were definitely the perfect team and we just did not want to go to sleep.

The next morning we woke up for the breakfast and for the waiting of the 7th person of ours to come. And then we went for our big walk around. It was still the very same jokes, laughs and everything following us. We started our walk at the kind of pier, I guess, moved on to the dunes, walked around, made pictures, had fun and stupid childish games with basically nothing. It was truly a vacation – for the brains at least, anyway. We went along to the seaside, made more pictures, more talking and more joking around.

We ended up our excursion back at home, with some freshly smoked fish for the dinner. It was one of the best dinner anyone ever could have had. It was awesome. Especially the company. The second night kind of repeated itself, since we ended up playing UNO and talking till the dawn. Or almost till the dawn, anyways. It was amazing really. Well, amazing minus the broken zipper of my shoe. Damn, that made me really angry. Čivas managed to fix it and I was very grateful for him. Well anyway, after the wine was gone and the speeches were still not over, we decided to call it a night and go to sleep. It was the leaving day, the next day and we had to travel a long way home.

The morning started with some sort of breakfast and going to the lighthouse. After the lighthouse we walked to the sea one again. It was very `comfortable` to walk with my broken shoe, but was I ever a girl to skip some fun because of such a tiny detail like something broken?

We got back to the place, had a farewell lunch kind of thing, packed our stuff and left. The boys went home with a car, while we, 5 girls, decided to take a trip back to the capital with a bus. It was supposed to be a fun trip. And it was. It definitely was. We got to the bus stop, waiting for the bus and here we see Mr. Plus coming to us. He actually brought ice-cream for each of us. I mean seriously, can I guy be more perfect? It was great. We managed to cheer bus drivers also, since our birthday girl had balloons [aren’t those things just little perfect thingies?] and we were all so cheerful.

The bus drive was comfortable and well managed. The girls were sitting in pairs, while I was left sitting with `the kitchen` [I had all of the food and drinks with me]. We were joking and continuing the perfect weekend still, but then, at some point, most of the girls went to the dreams country and I went to read. I just wanted to finish my book. And I did. Unfortunately, together with the book, the perfect weekend ended. With a promise to repeat it at some point soon.

Cinema spring.

Ok, I am only translating the name, not sure how should I do it though, but let’s leave it Cinema spring. It’s just a festival, where you can choose a lot of non-Hollywood kind of movies to watch. And so we, of course, couldn’t miss this chance. On this international Women day we bought cheaper tickets [well, actually Urbutis did, and I am still grateful for her for that] and then started choosing the movies.

It wasn’t really very easy to do that, since there were million of movies and most of them seemed to be great, but we were four of us with different wishes and so we had to get to a conclusion. We made some sort of the voting and we chose 5 movies. I took one more, since I just felt a need to see a movie that was made out of the Murakami’s book. I haven’t read that particular book, but I loved `Kafka on the Shore`, so I figured `Norwegian Wood` must be good too.

We started with a very psychedelic movie that kind of hit us hard. Then the second one was a brilliant story about brotherhood and football, which I truly loved. Then the third one was for now the best one, about women in Lebanon and her mixed up life. It was so awesome, that I am still something thinking about it. Well, the ending was a little too much of the fantasy, but still great movie.

So far the last one we’ve seen was some sort of psycho almost porn movie about strange people and even stranger things. Although it did provide couple of jokes that we were laughing so hard, but however, it was a weird movie, seriously.

And then, there was this `Norwegian Wood`. I started with reading the book, which was a bit of a challenge, since I had to read it in three days after work and it was almost 400 pages. I managed, though [so proud of myself] and then I saw the movie. Well, I have to say, even though I liked both book and the movie, I still had to choose one of those.

Wild girls night out

It started as a very innocent evening really. It was just Urbutis, who wanted to go dancing. And i made a promise to join her if I finish my book. So I finished my book and I had no other choice but to join her.

We started with a beer in one of the bars, where her brother with a friend joined us. It was nice and relaxing and I enjoyed it. I was kind of hoping to go to sleep after that bar, but no, we went dancing. It wasn‘t really anything too special, but we have been dancing half of the night and before I knew it, it was 5 a.m and I was already on my way home. Once again my `just one beer` night turned out into a dancing till the morning night.

If that wasn’t enough, the next night we went out again. We started in one place, where a friend of my friends was playing in the band for some sort of competition. After that Jesus [well, not technically Jesus, but we really looked like him] joined us and we went to another place. Talk here, talk there and once again, the lights came on. Ok, so it’s a polite way to say to the customers `get the …. Out of here` and so we did. Once again, my easy night out turned out into the one that ends at around 4 a.m.

Off topic

Once again. I was right. I was so right from the very beginning. And I can accept, this time I wish I was wrong. But it never works this way, does it? And once again, I managed to surprise myself. Not sure if that’s a right thing to do or a mistake. I guess we will see.

Just don’t take my home away from me, please.

I may have gone crazy, but diagnosis is now official: my state of mind – stable. In your face!

`Have you ever said something and then, after a second, regretted? But words are not to be retrieved and not to be erased from one’s memory. Just like a letter, that’s been sent, cannot be brought back`.

We all leave footprints. It’s just some of those are coming in too deep and burns. Like hell.

`I killed a dream today. Mission accomplished. Like someone said – killing the dreams is not an easy profession. Have to agree, I guess. It’s not easy being me [and no, I am not flattering myself].`

I was expecting too much. I trusted too much. And there, I didn’t get it. It was true, but I didn’t listen to myself. How could I learn to leave the past’s rubbish bin alone? Yet, it came back again. Why you say it, if you don’t mean it? Just for fun. Funny or sad that is, it doesn’t hurt anymore. Just makes me smile. Aren’t you a foolish boy, my dear?

Is this a game again? I don’t want to be a part of it. It starts to be tiring already. When is it enough?

From the math lectures: if he is curiosity and I am a cat. And it’s already ninth time. Is that it? Over?

`He wanted her to be happy. But he did not know that happy she wanted to be with him.`

Have you ever experienced that? Being there too long to forget. And too short not to miss.

`if there is one thing I would want to experience is saying out loud `I am afraid of falling..` and get a whisper `I have wings` in my ear as a response`.

`You have a killer look`. Wow, that’s some sort of the compliment. Or was it reproach? But I don’t want to be a killer.

Crazy people do crazy things. Me? I have never been completely normal. Although this little wild animal inside of me starts falling asleep. But you won’t get it, anyways. Close the doors once you leave, will you?

Do you remember that time, when we were walking along the downhill? When we laughed till we cried? It was so cold and so snowy, but we still have been walking there and looking. Looking.. There. Every time I remember this, I start wanting a lot, a lot of snow, run to the downhill and look forward. Will you take me by my hand? Will we run again? To meet bunch of snowflakes?

I made up my mind. And for everyone’s sake, I hope that no one will f*** it all up.

2 Mar 2011

.LT. Around.

Panic attack

My life back in Lithuania greeted me with a panic attack. No, not the real one, when you pass out in the middle of the street and you definitely need some medication. It’s my own kind of thing that I just call a panic attack. I don’t know, maybe I like the name. I don’t like the feeling, though. It sucks, really. It starts with a little fear that grows rapidly and then you realize that you are afraid of everything. And when I say everything, I mean literally – everything. Most people might think I’m exaggerating, but I start being afraid of: touching handles, walking on the path, locking/unlocking doors, drinking water, breathing, speaking, putting on shoes… It’s endless list, since, as I already mentioned, it’s everything.

I got rid of it fast enough, still not sure how, though. Too many things happening and too big mess in my head probably did the thing. Still feeling strange. And just when I thought that this time, differently from other times, I managed to get back and not to freak out. Maybe I am not that different after all.

Culture shock

I got back and got into my own little circle, where everything seemed to be in order. I was packed with stuff to do. And after a little time I got my culture shock. Everything suddenly started to look wrong. I started missing Thailand and all of my friends I met during the last half a year. I started having sleepless nights and nightmares during those, that brought me back to `what the hell am I doing here?` period. I was wondering in the beginning what that is, and then it hit me, just as a déjà vu – it is my culture shock. And yes I know, usually people experience that once they leave their `home country`. Not for me, though. Maybe the problem is, I never really felt being `at home` in my `home country`. Strange feeling. No matter how I am declaring that I am a citizen of the world, in that little hidden pocket in that small muscle that people call heart, I wish I had home, where I actually felt at home.

And the irony is – I found that place. Portable place. It’s just, as always, the world is smiling with that mean sneaky smile, and keeps my portable home far away from me.

Looking for the apartment

My search for an apartment turned out into being a bit of a mess. I called for the apartment I chose and I was just waiting for the contract and a call from the lady. I got the call, but it wasn’t very promising. She asked me if I rented the place and I answered all confused `no, I was waiting for you to send me the contract`. Turns out, the owner rented the place for someone else. Damn those people who make commitments and then ditch them.

So I went searching some more. There was not a lot of that would fit me. Yes, I know, I am pretty picky, but I needed a cheap, good place somewhere in the old town. I checked one apartment and was almost taking it, although it was a little expensive for me. So I took a night to think about it, but the next morning I was already sure I am going to take it, I was just waiting for the descent hour to make the call. And then, on the very last minute, I found an attractive apartment for rent. I called the guy immediately and made a meeting to look at the place in the evening. Ieva accompanied me for the look as an objective person. We got to the place and met the guy. I did not know anything about the guy at that moment, but he seemed nice. He showed us a place, it looked like a small, but nice apartment, so I said `Ok, so I will take it`. We decided to meet the other day to sign the contract. I was happy finally having my own place and I am sure Ieva was already happy with the idea that I will be out of her place already.

The next morning I got an e-mail with the contract from the guy. It had his name in it, so I decided to google it. I know, I’m this curious girl, who needs to know everything. I was pleasantly surprised that he is actually a biker [or better – motorcycle fan, since bikers are only riding bikes only during the summer time]. We met in the evening to sign the contract and ended up having beers with him and some of his friends. I am not sure if that is a normal way to communicate with the person from whom you are renting the place, but I guess it was good way for me. And also, the guy was so awesome, that we decided to sign the contract for only 5 months with no problems at all. Usually that is an issue.

I was so lucky with the place that I hardly have words about it. Amazing place, in amazing spot, with an amazing renter [is that a word], and good price as well. Too good to be true? I hope not.


I still keep on remembering the quote from Shantaram [and Yes, I’m still strongly recommending to read it for everyone!] `Fate always gives you two choices – the one you should take and the one you do`. And it is almost literally ripping me apart. The thought I might have fallen for the same pattern is not leaving me alone. This feeling inside my chest is softly but strongly pressing my heart so it hurts and that little voice inside my head is whispering I took the other choice, not the right one [No, I am not going to see the doctor because of that little voice in my head. I know, I’m crazy. Psycho maybe. Not insane though].

I guess I will never know now whether it was a right decision or not. I am not even completely sure I want to know.

And still my sixth sense is going crazy and does not let me sleep during the nights. I just feel that happening. Maybe not now, maybe in a month, maybe just as I predicted. I have to get it out of my system, one way or another. I am just damn scared it will go away only with another thought as a company `I knew it all along`.

Little off topic: I have always been wishing you were right. In those moments when I was going crazy and I had a perfect knowledge that if you were not right, my life would change irreversible, I had faith, that at the end you will be right. And you always were. Just like holding my hand, your being right part was like a miracle. With the same enormous amount of expectation, I wish right now I was wrong. Again, only time will tell. And to be honest, I don’t even know what would be better, to be crashed now or build up hopes and then maybe be crashed later. The limits of time.

.Off. So Off Topic.

Once again, I am not running away from my past, I am voluntarily going to wade in it as in the mud. It’s crazy, it’s stupid, it’s irrational. It’s irresistible, it’s addictive, it helps.

Cause when you think about it – memories are the only property I can afford right now. And for that particular memory, I made the impossible – I refused something I had never refused before. It was not a mistake, no wondering about that. But that would definitely [or probably] help me feel better now.

Just remembered this childish `poem`: `I’m still crying, you are still too far away and your face is still, all around the place`. Not sure that’s funny or sad. Is that a boon or doom?

What happens to you or to the world once you start trying to convince yourself [or everyone around maybe] that black is white or that melon has a shape of square. You may be able to convince the world, but can you ever convince yourself?

I once again found myself on the edge of the world. In that famous casino, where I lost my soul once. At the same poker table. And I’m still the same, I still haven’t learned how to play the game. I can cheat, but when you don’t know which card you need, how that could come in handy? Once again, betting my soul and my life, on the same table, just in front of different people. Somehow this time I’m relaxed and confident. Even if I loose it all, I have more than I need. But then again, it always depends on how big are one’s needs. Mine are minimal. No problem, I’m sure of one thing this time – it won’t kill me.

There is still that strange feeling, scratching my lungs as if it was fondled with sandpaper. Little bags of air are popping and it starts to feel hard to breath. Is that a sign? Should I start worrying?

I remember once I told you to start loving your girl much more and soon. Never really thought you would listen. However, I still cannot force myself believing it’s a real love. You never mentioned that either. You just answered the question that has never been asked. In silence. And now we both are out of words. Used them all. It’s almost midnight.

I have asked this question several people already, never got the satisfying answer. What is the smell of tears? But you know me well enough already – I don’t need pink glasses anymore. I’ve got green eyes instead.

.Behind those blue eyes. Is it worth it? I’m starting to have my own doubts. And then I’m getting back to the same `two-choice-choosing the other one` dilemma. I know I should stop questioning, but for once, I would actually like to get some answers. Would you open the door?

Coming back to the old life has its own good and bad parts. Walking same corridors and smelling the same, almost invisible taste of the places made be come back to my old, for some strange and unknown reason for me, left in draft blog entry.

And the funny thing is – even now, after almost two years I can remember how I felt there and then just as if I felt like this a second ago. I made a promise to myself. And now I have to keep it. And if you ask me, if there was/is anything in this building that enjoys me, I don’t need to think before I reply. Because of course there is. The reaper with an umbrella.

No, I’m not afraid to say it out loud: I need you hold my hand [and not to let it go. Not for the third time].

All of those missions impossible. All of those dreams comes, dies and goes. One more dream to kill. That’s the sign of the serial killer. Pretty lame, though. No prepayment, no payment, not even thanks. Just like that reaper with an umbrella – you have no choice, it’s not your way – it’s your ticket to survive.

Moving on.

Turning off, so off topic OFF

On my last day in Hong Kong I was reading my book and being completely only with myself when some guy passed by me and for the reasons I don’t know told me `You are a very lucky person. You have a very lucky face. In the upcoming month you will get three good news. Just sometimes you thing and worry too much about it`. I still cannot get it out of my head. Was he right?