18 Dec 2012

°Fighting the demons°


Once again, I forgot to write. Well, to be honest, I did not forget. I just had simply too many things on my hands. And in my head. The world is spinning, my head is too and the worst thing is.. I cannot say it out loud. Not because of me. But because of you. And you. And, sadly enough, even you.

I’ve been working a lot. Here and there. Every single day. It was a non stop marathon where at moments I thought I cannot. But still I could. Well, is there any way to escape though?
My last shift in the conference center was great. It was long hours, tiring and kind of hard at moments, but great people to work with and all those last hugs were worth it all. I ended up bringing some cake to the Dubliner’s staff [which they said they liked] at the end.

And then Monika got older! I was a little late for her party, because I had to work [but of course]. Still, I managed to get a mojito, meet some new people, dance, laugh and talk and congratulate her on this very special occasion.

And then there was the Dubliner. Long hours during and after the shifts.

And then there was Christmas shopping. Some on-line, some on-real-way, like a normal people do. The good part was – I had a great company, so it wasn’t so terrible. We walked around all those shops, making fun of things and looking for toys to play. We ended up having fancy dinner out [well, fancy to me, since I don’t do that] with beer. The time just flew. I realized there and then how much I miss that. Small little things, but the ones that you enjoy.

I even managed to get to the post office finally and send those few [way too little, but it’s get harder and harder with all of the technologies and people using e-mails instead of mails] postcards and that one little package, that I can only hope will make that person smile. Nothing else, just as promised. Just a smile.

And that is, let’s say, it. It’s killing me at points when I cannot share few details. But that is how it is.

Christmas in Denmark is over. No more snow, all melted and is gone. Rain is reminding still that we are still in the cold season, but there is no more magical white things falling from the sky. And in two days I am heading to the airport and going back to Lithuania. Just a few days, but hopefully I will be able to see snow, feel snow, walk out path with Inga, drink glogg with Goda, share talks in the balcony with Ieva, share… well, everything with Simona, meet Wycka.. And others, that I miserably failed to mention, of course. Well, who is counting anyways?


Off Topic

Somehow I let you back in. And you seem very much into it. Of course, you are getting annoyed, because I am not the same, but can you blame me? It’s been one day before the full moon and you know what full moon does to me.

I had a perfect dream you know. Well, not perfect dream, but the perfect guy. And the way we felt and we way we were was so perfect, that I did not want to wake up. I was REALLY in love. Now I only need to find him.


You are walking the blade. You are dancing on a thin ice. And this is your choice. My only question is.. why am I letting you drag me together? That ship has sailed, this one won’t. But we are able to definitely crack it seriously. I know it’s time to press the logic button, but somehow it seems stuck.

Just like in that song, that was never sang out loud: `you need to start loving your girl more. And soon`.

And there it is.. That little bite, that is ripping it out. I don’t want this, but I have no saying in it. And I’d do anything to change it, but I can’t. it’s not my fault and it’s not my problem, somehow still, it feels like it’s my responsibility. Which is silly. And yet again.. I was never really smart.




Smile. Because I want to have your picture. Please?


4 Dec 2012

° Colorblind dreams°


Life recently pretty much was bed-food-work-bed-bed-work-food-bed-work-food endless carousel. I have to say, at the moments I was so weak and fragile, I just wanted to cry. And the other moments I thought I am not going to be able to go on. It was too much. Simply too much. You know how it feels when you have to work 10 hours straight, but your head is spinning, your voice is gone and your eyes hurt every time you move them and on top of that – total body weakness just pushes you down to the ground.

But I survived. I mean, I had no choice. I had to.

Good thing is sweethearts colleagues who come in help. Jose made me some tea to bring home and drink it non-stop. Lasse was giving me cakes, as usual [well, okay, it’s no help for my health issues, but it makes me feel better. And besides, it’s cakes, you know] and all those conversations, laughs and discussions, that would help to forget I feel like crap.

And one day after work going back home just did not feel exactly right. There was some pain in the same place where my `scar` was/is and the next morning it was official. Infection. Again. It hurts, it disturbs my work, even my walk, not talking about biking. Feeling miserable did not help, my own medications also, so I had to go to the doctor again. I could only hope that this time she would come to the senses and instead of antibiotics she would send me to get seriously fixed.

I got lucky. She made a suggestion, I took it, she made an appointment and the next day I found myself biking towards the airport. I can be completely honest here – I was scared to death. Yes, it is a simple procedure, simple cut without full narcosis. Still, being cut open for the first time seemed like a very big deal to me. So, without too much of sleep but with eyes full of fear, I headed to the surgeon. The doctor seemed to be extremely nice and sweet. The whole `operation` took no more than 10 minutes and I was let to go home. I was so happy, almost as if it was Christmas and my birthday and our anniversary in one day. Silly, I know to be so afraid of such a little thing. Still, it was my new first, inexperienced, yet very necessary. I lost my `being cut` virginity there and then. I also have three stitches [if I can count correctly] and again – for the first time. And after all of that happiness, the sadness came. I desperately needed someone to hold my hand, to hug me and just be there for me. Instead, there was just me and no one else. I haven’t so lonely for a long time now.

Of course, I had not much time to feel sorry for myself, since work was calling me to come. And then the same the next day. And the next. And, of course, the next as well.

I have been working long hours on Saturday, then played doctors with Alex [trying to fix his bleeding palm], had a pint, then another one and finally went home. New thing – I was supposed to open the pub the next morning. So I woke up in the early morning and I could see the roof of the next building through my window. It looked white. I kind of couldn’t believe my eyes, so I stood up and there it was – my Christmas. It was all white, still staying, my bike was covered with white magic, just like everything else. It started snowing even harder when I started biking to work and you know what – that just made my day. White magic has arrived. Which means I will survive whatever that is or will be. Of course it all disappeared and by now there are only little reminders that is snowed at some point here. But it will get back. I will get my winter. Just like I get everything I want. Maybe later than sooner, maybe after hard and tiring work. But I get. And so I will today.


Off Topic

I am not sure. Maybe I am asking too much. But is it too much to ask you to keep your word? Nothing more, just do what you say, say what you mean. Is that so hard? Do we live in the society where that is already irrelevant? I want to make peace with myself and with the world, but you won’t let me. Please stop killing my rain forest.


I was so happy and so excited I will finally get to see Muse. They are to die for. And now, only a week before the big deal they canceled. It feels like once you joined forces with the world you decided to take me down. And it works. Taking away Muse was one really cruel thing to do. And even though I started getting snow and covering of my shifts and all of that.. It still does not seem enough. Another question is now. Do I buy the ticket for them again? In another side of Europe? Or will you take that away from me as well?


It’s amazing how some people just seem to keep you in the dark for so long and then surprise you with appearance. Just like that. Bring warmth and that feeling that you are actually needed or important. Small detail that makes you get out of bed and go. Do what you have to do. Make the impossible. Somehow it makes me wonder.. Was that the real reason for me to get into that event? Was that supposed to be You and not another You? What if all this time I was reading the cards wrong? Should I have not listened to those opinions and not follow the prejudice? Was I supposed to make my own judgment? After all, you held my hand. Just the way I needed. At the time I needed.

Too bad clock is ticking not to the right direction.

<…>
I write him letters just a few short lines
And I suffer death ten thousand times
<…>


Interesting. I will always be that special one. Yet, not that special one.

29 Nov 2012

°Black is the colour°

Why are we on the battle right now world? Give me a break, or I will break. Almost literally.

You send me to get a surgery without providing information where it is going to happen, no matter how freaking out I am. Then you give me no promises about improvement. But it's okay. I take it as a challenge and accept it. But canceling Muse concert is a bit too much, don't you think? I know we made a deal `I get to see Coldplay` and you gave it to me. I did appreciate that. But Muse.. Muse!!! You could have let me have it.

After all.. Time is running out. I don't know if I can wait till May. Or June.


Come on world, you're playing dirty. It's no longer fun.




It used to be me and you against the world. Now you are with the world.

21 Nov 2012

°Lemon tea with Ginger and Honey°


Being furious did not help me to get an appointment with my doctor, of course. But the good thing was – I am actually good at google’ing and using translators online. I managed to find out that my doctor is actually away only for that one day [good luck, huh?] and that I can call her the next day, no problem [or at least I hoped]. It was okay, actually, I called her another day, booked the appointment [I have to say, this time I so much appreciated receptionist, who talked to me in English without hanging up] and waited for it.

Once I got in, I got good/bad news. Still cannot decide which one is it. The good part is – I am no longer needed medications, the bad part though – that scar will stay there… hmm.. more or less.. forever. Funny or sad that is, I am, once again, scarred for life.

Could be worse I guess.

Other than that I have been working. Not much, just 16.5 hours per day, or 11 hours per day and almost non stop. I managed though. Too bad that my immune system [I am blaming those damn antibiotics I had to take] decided to give up and send me some feverish sickness. Not serious, I hope, just like everyone around, I am sneezing, have running nose, coughing and since yesterday, feeling this weakness in my body. I am guessing it’s just some virus and I can kill it by myself. As long as I feel more or less okay to work and my colleagues said I probably don’t have temperature, I will keep on heeling myself.

There comes my big mugs of ginger/lemon/honey tea. Over and over and over again. Good I like the taste, you know.

So I have been working day on Friday and night on Saturday, which gave me some free time and guys decided for me – we are going for a beer. I might have said no, but it was nice people and they promised me Hoegaarden from decent Hoegaarden glasses. We started in The Dubliner, met some people, then moved to some Irish/Scottish kind of pub, had a few pints there and once they started closing, I decided to go home. It was spectacular time, talking about traveling and where to go, how to go. It pushed some buttons in my head and now I am dying how much I want to go back on the road again. Just me and my backpack. Better yet, me, Steffany and OUR backpack [which I am always carrying by the way].

Next morning I woke up without capability of speaking. I thought I lost my voice for the whole day and was a little scared thinking how I am going to serve people with such a deep manly voice. But my almost normal voice came back to me, so the only thing I had to worry about at work was how not to collapse. Seriously, I felt like that `illness` is killing me.

So the next few days I spent either in bed trying to recover or working [because that is still, you know.. extra money].

And surviving. Because there is nothing else left.




Off topic

There were so many things I wanted to say, but now they all faded. Maybe I should write them down all the time on the spot. Or maybe it’s for the best to forget. But you know what I miss? Haruki Murakami. That psychedelic world, which, so weird, yet so familiar.


I did not want to trap you. Or intrude your life. I wanted to be free..together.

Talking about missing and memories. Those strange mixed feelings came into me recently. Like when I have been walking in that deserted beach, where almost no people existed [or electricity for that matter], trying to make peace with the world and erase some things from my memory. All I could do all of that time was to sing that crazy, completely non-related song. And yet again it kind of saved me. 


P.S. And on top of everything, on an ordinary Monday, when they sent me to the post office and I had to go and take my jacket I found flowers in there. `Just because you're awesome` the note said. I know exactly who they are from or the reasoning behind it, but it totally made my day. Not only mine, the girls were very pleasantly surprised too. I was smiling and laughing and couldn't stop till late. Such a little thing.. Such a big impact.


12 Nov 2012

°I swallowed my pride. And six shots of whiskey°


I need some sleep and I need it now. It’s been a little too crazy around here. And no, not just only with work. I’m still getting there, though.

I had an okay shift on Saturday, following by a nice start of the night with glogg [even if it’s way too sweet] and girls, then shifted to different level. I biked to Chrissie’s place, where she was having a housewarming party. It was a big apartment with a lot of people in there and I knew a total of 1 person. So I thought it’s going to be a long and boring time while trying to find someone to talk to. Wasn’t anything like that. Chrissie introduced me to a lot of people and to be honest I do not remember almost any of their names, but that is not a problem, is it?

I talked with a few of them, we had fun, I mean we really had a lot of fun. We ended up in her room just chilling and talking and then I left. Of course, it was raining, and of course it was cold, but after the night like this, so refreshing and different, I fell asleep happy.

Then the next few days were sort of bad. I could not sleep in the mornings, I could not sleep in the days, I went to work tired and I could not do much, because I was simply trying to sleep or get some rest. In the end I worked Sunday night really tired, but I managed. And then Monday came.

I had to wake up early enough, so I could call and make an appointment with my doctor. I called a few times but the only thing I could get was an answering machine and OF COURSE in Danish. After the last time I figured out it is something like `I am not in the office` thing. I got online and found out that in the case like that I can call 3 other doctors. Alright, lets do this. First one had similar out of office message. The second one.. I tried calling them a lot of times and it was always busy signal. I tried the third one. Receptionist answered to my question in English in Danish fast and something I could not understand. I asked her if she speaks English, because I really do not speak Danish, she said little. Then I tried asking for an appointment in the most easy way she went mute on me. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, no `excuse me`, no `I don’t speak your stupid language, you live in Denmark, you speak Danish`, no `Can’t help you, goodbye`. She just sat there, keeping me hanging like an idiot. That almost broke me.

Now it was time for the third one, the busy one. I managed to get my call answered, although in the middle of my explanation what I need phone was dropped. Or something, I don’t know. But I could only hear people walking, pens moving and so on. I kept on asking `hello, excuse me, what is happening?` no response. At some point someone said something like `doctor’s office`, I tried to explain what I want again, but they dropped the phone again. I heard papers, pens, even buttons on the phone being pressed. Still no answer.

That made it. I got furious, sad, angry and all other possible feeling. I need to go to the doctor and people who know me knows that I don’t go there for no reason, and then I get treated like that? Yes, I know I don’t speak Danish and that’s bad of me, but I am here temporarily and I just need to get a doctor’s appointment.

So yes, next time when you want to ask me if I like Denmark, don’t. Because Denmark apparently does not like me, so I don’t have to like it too.

After that I had to get myself together and I did. I finally did my shopping [on-line shopping, still suffered enough], had some sleep and now hopefully will have an easy shift back in the Dubliner. Again.


Off Topic

So many things have happened recently, I am afraid I won’t be able to keep up.

It is true. Yet again I tried and failed. I was right about the first part. True friends are for keeping. Too bad you are not one of them.

And then there was.. that thin ice. Not mine though. I’m afraid it’s getting too deep though. Still, 13 years.

I heard the story that made me a little mad. And proved me right, so I guess it’s better. People do those things all the time and they survive. You wouldn’t let me, and that is your loss. Totally. Completely. Too bad though.

It’s not an old or new song. It’s just something for a sound:


9 Nov 2012

°Throughout this whole flight°


Here we are again. Me and math. And yes, this time numbers are not that shocking. Still, in the last 9 days I have worked 9. In the last 3 days I had to wake up before sun does. In the next 10 days I will have 0 days off. And it’s only 18:31, as m watch says, and I am tired as if it was late night/early morning. Welcome to my world. Where time is shifting and life is turning.

I had a long and tiring shift last night. Where I learned that I am `the chosen` one. Not exactly that, but that I am valued and trusted and.. well, one of the best anyways. Small thing, but makes you happy about yourself for sure.

At the same day I got my faith in humanity restored. I’ve been working for 12 hours straight and I was tired already. Sadly enough I get to my bike and find no keys to unlock it. Must have left them at work. So I go back, but my keys are nowhere to be found. I lost them. Good my bike is still there, but how do I take it, if the chain is real metal chain and I have no tools to cut it. And then.. I see my keys on my bike [someone definitely put them on it] tight, so they won’t fall. I could not believe my eyes. Someone either so me loosing it, or just been a good person, so they decided instead of stealing my bike, keeping it safe for me. My karma balance must have been positive. And that person must have been a totally goodie.

And now, thanks to Ieva, who asked my my shift, I finally had my time to do laundry and other, for some people, completely understandable stuff. Still, sun is already gone and all I want is to sleep. Maybe I will do that. sooner, rather than later.


Off topic

I don’t know what I feel. Anger? Sadness? Relief? Addiction? Realization? Not sure. Still not. Listening to the same old sounds does not make it more clear.

When someone asked a girl why it is so hard for her to trust people, she responded with the question, why it is so difficult to keep promise. I’ve been asked a similar question. I’ve been asked why I am not looking for a future husband/father for my future children. My answer is still the same – I will never look, but I may stay, if I manage to find someone strong enough not to let me go. Which is true. But I cannot help but wonder, how can someone expect me to look for someone, when every time I allow myself to believe, it all falls apart. Burst into thousands of pieces. Goes from `nothing`, to `nothing anymore`. And no, not after a few dates or several conversations. Magic was involved. You know what I mean right? No, not that. Different sort of magic.

No matter how hard you try, world, I will never stop believing. This is something you will not be able to take away from me. It maybe just me against you, but I will always have my faith. And I will be happy. Oh, wait, sorry, I mistaken that. I am already happy.

You reminded me of him. That smile and those hands. I finally figured some things out. And I feel like I don’t need antibiotics anymore. I am high on myself. No illegal/prescribed stuff involved.



After such a long time having a night off my hand is full of chocolate cookies, hot wine and mandarins. I will turn on some bad movie to watch and this is my Christmas [because I can create snow in my head in no time]. It’s my time now. Yours will come later.

5 Nov 2012

°The screams all sound the same°


My hopefully easier shifts turned out to be long and tiring. And before I knew it, all of my free time was spent in bed, trying to recover strength and keep my feet from dangerous levels of pain.

You probably could say it got better. Or maybe I just got used to that. or maybe I just decided not to care anymore and just to go with the flow.

And despite of it all, one day I decided I have had enough.

I don’t know what happened, I just decided not to care, be happy and what the hell.. Life is still pretty damn awesome. It just happened that I have been talking to my husband that day and after his mean comment about me only talking, but not actually visiting him I… got online, checked the best options, pushed in magical 16 numbers and what do you know? I will get older in Barcelona, baby!

The funny thing is – he actually was happy and excited about the idea of seeing me. And my friend was excited too. Which led to me being excited, even though there is still a lot of time till that magical week. I can almost feel it..

I went to work and there I had another surprise. Cian, the guy we have been working together there 2 years ago was visiting. He looked much more mature and he looked good. Well, not a big surprise I guess knowing that he have been travelling half of the world for the last 1.5 years. He brought me memories from our times in here. Good times.


Off topic

And here we went from `I am sticking to my guns and I believe in best in people` to `I know you don’t want to hear this, but it is true`. It took me surprisingly little time. And even though I am not completely healed, I am getting there.

Am I really getting wiser? Or was this the actual real deal? Now we’ll never know, will we?

I may still not completely understand it all. The reasoning, the lack of logic, the speed and everything else. But it doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t ask questions and I gave up on expecting the answers. Let the river wash the banks.

And still.. Why on earth would someone drop THAT big of a bomb and expect to get out of the crime scene alive? Or was is just the last hope in the hopeless land? It doesn’t matter anymore as well, I guess.

My life entered new race. New level, new prize, new logistics. We’re gonna take the world down. And we will smile down from the cliff. Even if in different parts of the world.

Wise words need to be repeated – they all regret. You will too.
Try and lie that’s not true, ah?

Completely new sound. Makes you addicted, committed and happy. I’m high on something for 3 days now. Could not put a finger on it, but could it be the sound?


25 Oct 2012

°I'm dreaming of the white Christmas°


In the last 48 hours I have been working 32. You do the math, I will just rest.

It’s my fault really. Not being able to say no, when someone asks. Especially when I know that if they ask, they need me. Anyways, does not matter anymore. In the next 48 hours I will probably only work 17 hours. And it’s going to be okay.

I have been having these strange dreams. So real, that my head keeps on spinning after I wake up and makes me wonder. I do not remember most of them, but those are not nightmares. Still, from the looks of the blankets, those are not easy dreams. I wake up and my bed is messed up, almost like never.

I’m tired. Not of everything, but just of the recent non-stop doing and going and doing and going. And I would kill right now for a cup of hot chocolate, feet massage and good movie. Sadly enough, I would give it all up for a koala hug. Not going to happen. Maybe I should stop dreaming when I’m awake. It’s tiring.

A strange news got to me. And even though I understand everything that is behind, and there is nothing wrong, still, it kinda hurts. Deleting me, because questions happen to be unbearable.. Understandable, of course, still, that little pain in my chest says that I am to be forgotten. Oh well..

I keep on watching that reaper with umbrella. Time to go back? Maybe..

And today, after all those working hours I went to the shop. I wanted to buy wine, but I got it for free. Still not sure how that happened, but who am I to question? Free wine, heated up back at home, white stuff falling from the sky. I am in my Christmas. And no, this time there is no miracle, as it was for the past few years. Just Christmas. Even if the white stuff was disappearing in my eyes and my palms. A mug of wine in my hands and I am fine. I always am. It’s not the end. Maybe not that end, anyways.

Those cute adorable guys at work were spoiling me again. Word here, word there, one cookie, a cake and other sweet tasty stuff. They really like me. For the reason I will probably never know.

And yes. I get to see The Killers. Two more to go and I can die [just interesting choice of words, of course].

See, miracles still happen. You do love me, after all this time. Even without admitting. Or reminding. Or disappearing. Or… Never mind. I put it in the box.

Not old, not new, just a sound. Ever thought it could be us?



No off topic. It’s kind of off topic itself.

But we had time against us,
Miles between us,
The heavens cried,
I know I left you speechless,
But now the sky has cleared and it's blue,
And I see my future in you.

14 Oct 2012

°Ticky-tacky°


After a week of almost non-stop working, I had my Sunday off. I am still having it, technically. So I started it easy, regaining strength after the working long hours in the weekend. And then, I got harassed about `how can you simply not go voting`. Few words here and there and I gave up.

I had some food, packed my passport and a bottle of water and hit the road on my bike. It started raining on the way [but of course] and I had to bike for almost one hour till I finally found Lithuanian embassy. I got in, got registered, paid my duties as concerned citizen, voted and went back on the same road back home.
I was cold and tired at the point where I was almost at home, so decided to go to the shop and buy myself something sweet and nice, for the evening. Then, back home, I cuddled myself into the blankets and tried to get warm. I think I accomplished my mission.

We saved the Sunday.

Off topic

I don’t care for elections. But I had to do it. Not because of me, but because of him. The person, who could not vote at that exact time. And even though I am only a 2nd level friend, I still had to do it. Because it matters.

He made a promise. We’re gonna take the world down.

I was not kidding. I know that you have no idea, but I was serious about that – time is ticking out. I ain’t wait forever.  It maybe my hope and faith, but somehow I still cannot admit it to myself, that it’s over. I am still hoping for a continuation.

No forgotten or found old/new sounds. Not yet, at least.

5 Oct 2012

°Camouflaged butterfly°


I had a bike accident, just like two days ago. I know because my bruises are real. And they hurt. It was a stupid and crazy thing. I just finished my shift, had dinner and was on my way home. It was raining and I was just trying to get back home as fast as possible. Then, some kid decided to cross the road. I tried to stop, but I was going too fast to do that successfully. To sliding on the road I had two choices – hit the kid or try and jump on the border. Well, that did not work perfectly, because border was too high and instead of jumping on it, my front wheel turned several times, my bike fell and I found myself falling over my head. It became as a slow motion movie at that time and at the end I found myself on the wet street. I stood up, cursed a lot, moved my bike and then had all those people asking if I was alright. It was really sweet of them and they actually tried to take care of me. One girl even asked me to walk for five minutes, in case I got shock. And all I was thinking was how stupid I look like and how incredibly good I fell because I did not feel any pain at all.

So I went back to my place with no more accidents and found myself in bed. Then there was a message on my phone. My friend changed her mind and was going to a party at our ex colleague’s place. So I changed quickly into better looking clothes and took metro to the meeting point. I was waiting for the metro when some kids, 15 or so and they were fooling around. One of them took trash bag, threw it at his friend, then a friend did the same. 2 minutes later security guys came and took them out of metro. That’s efficiency I thought. But only for a second. All of the rest of time I could not help but thinking how good looking those guys were [the security I mean]. It’s like, they must have some face control for that. and what is the reason anyways? I guess I’ll never know. I can only enjoy the view.

The party was fun. We stayed most of the time with Evija talking about different things in the kitchen, while others were somewhere else in the apartment. At the end I had to leave, because I was working the next day.

And the working stuff is boring on some level, but very much fun on the other. In the conference center I have so much nice people that it never gets boring. We laugh, we make fun, we try out new cakes and enjoy every single minute of it. Last day one guy gave me a muffin, today another one gave me tea for my throat. Those people are so sweet that it’s impossible not to like them. And enjoy working with them.

Off topic
I made my stand. For the last time though. And it will be impossible to regret it. If it never works out the way it might, it’s alright. Because I did everything I could.

Strange how your life sometimes completely depends on someone else. Somewhat attractive still. Maybe I am growing up. Not old though.

We are all falling slowly.


P.S. There is no meaning to life. The universe doesn’t give a shit. Create your own meaning and enjoy that freedom

30 Sep 2012

°Falling slowly°

After a few days of working almost non'stop and getting only halfly paid, I decided it is worth it. And I am sticking to it. Well, too late to back out anyways. Just a few minutes ago I received an e-mail stated `confirmed`. Yes, baby, I am coming home for Christmas. But you know the funny part? All I want for Christmas, is you. And no, this is not happening.

Just as I pushed that magical button, I started thinking and dreaming of Christmas. And snow - my real Christmas sort of a thing. World, you have taken too much from me this week, can we make a deal in here - I get real Christmas this year, alright? You know, with snow and all that. I need this. And on some level I think you agree that you owe me that one. Just this once.. Let's not start war before we make peace.

But honestly, I think I opened some sort of a gate right now. It hit me. The harsh truth I was hiding under my hope. And still it's not leaving just yet.

Fear is powerful, but faith is stronger. And mine is still with me. If not, I don't know where I would be right now. Not here at least, that much I know.

Amazing how right after getting those tickets, I tried and search for the other ones. And then I stopped. I cannot do this anymore. I've been banned. How do I not forget? Should I write it down on my arm?

Soon it won't matter. Or at least I hope. Now if only I could get my snow on my Christmas. Or should I say your Christmas, since there is no that thing for me, if there is no white miracle all around.

Not much else matters. It's my `off` Sunday, which basically means studying, or trying to, anyways. There will be time for everything else. Sooner. Or maybe a little later.



Off topic

There are some certain things you prefer not to say out loud, so they don't get you too hard. Yet again, you need to spread it all out, so you can express your anger and move on lighter [metaphorically, of course] in the streets.

It hit me one day, how twisted the world is when it comes to relationships. I don't know, maybe it's our generation that's f.... up, but nowadays, when every boundary is more or less broken already, it's hard to say when you are with someone or when it's just a casual thing. At the end the power is in that person's hands, who did not break down first. Or in the one's who decided to leave. It's like.. you can never be sure until you have that ring on your finger. And even if you have a ring, you don't know where it takes you.

I'm not sure if I should take that as a total insult, or as a compliment [yes, because nutcases like me enjoy different style of life], or just crawl into bed and cry for days, but this reality actually hit me. I am not a girlfriend material. But as sure as hell I am, apparently, ex-girlfriend material. Ignoring the whole actions and behaviors, which, by the way, all the time sends completely different message, words say nothing. Yet again, at the end there is that secret, almost slutty ex, somehow appearing in the monitors. Deal with it, they say, it will be okay, maybe. And I do. Because you know what? I have a safety net, I will survive. And I am not afraid to scare myself with my faith trying taking a risk.

If I could ask for anything for my Christmas gift, I would ask for a Koala hug. Because that is where the magic happens. Outside my comfort zone. In a Koala hug. And then the world stops matter.



Somehow this one went deep in a heel


26 Sep 2012

°This is the world°


After a lot of work and studying and everything together I went for my escape. It was supposed to be great 6 days with awesome people. And it was. And then at the end it all fell apart. Once again: you promised me heaven, you put me to hell, repeated itself.

I came with no delays in my flight and met Rick at the airport. He greeted me with a balloon [oh balloons], even if by the time I got there it broke, it was still a sweet thing to do. We got to his place, had a few beers, dinner and a movie. It was an easy night, because he had to work and I had to go to another city to meet my friend.

On Thursday I packed my little day bag, took a bike [proper city bike that I still don’t know how to bike properly], got lost on my way to the central station, but at the end managed to get there in one piece and went for Rotterdam. There I met Alex, we walked around the city [which is nice, but not too much to see though]. I met his band, we had dinner, had some fun and I headed back to Amsterdam. I was a little afraid to get lost again and did not want to come back too late, because my host, from the working class, had to work the next day again.

So the next day I did my sightseeing in Amsterdam. I walked all around the main places: squares, streets, canals, millions of canals [or 88 beautiful canals]. I took pictures, I watched people, I did a lot of thinking and I was just plainly enjoying the company of myself.

I got back to Rick’s place, we had dinner and talked and soon after that it was time to go to a concert. I had no idea who was playing but he said it was supposed to be good so I believed him. At this point I almost trusted my biking skills with a city bike. Boy, did that burned fastly. Because apparently, biking after a local seems like a trap. He was going fast, ignoring red lights, against the traffic. I was shouting at him, laughing, I was scared completely and cursed a lot. I was literally so happy when we finally stopped at the bar that I still was alive. Here we met his friends and listened to the concert.

It was good, the concert. Not exactly, but on some level they reminded me of Suicide DJs. Not traditional sort of sounds, different instruments, different languages and only 2 people on the stage. We had fun. Then at the end we biked through the city a bit, stopped for one drink, talked about first kisses and all that and finally had to bike back home through the rain.

Off topic

You know that feeling when you look into someone eyes and you realize something very important. And you want to say it out loud, but something holds you back. So you sit there, swallow the words that just came to the tip of your tongue and hope it was a right thing to do. At the end you never know if that was smart way to go or a really stupid one. One way or another, you cannot change it anymore.





So the next day we had to wake up pretty early, catch a train and get to Antwerp. It was a silly thing a little, but I needed to see Alex playing live and since concert was in Antwerp, I had no choice. We got some kind of BB there [not exactly, but you stay at someone’s place and pay for it, I don’t know] – this amazing room of some artist’s [I am guessing, because all of the things in the place screamed there has to live some artistic person]. We went for a walk, we met Petra and Valery, had some very nice talks. Later on we met Didier, had a little walk around the city [it was sunny and very great day] and then he gave us a ride to the concert.

It was a one day strangely planned and organizer festival. There were so little people, that at some point I thought we are in the wrong place. We listened to Alex and his band playing, I made way too many pictures. Then we stayed and talked with them and finally went to search for tram. It was a long and cold way back to the place and then it was so good to get under those warm covers..

Next day it was raining, so we only had breakfast and headed back to Amsterdam. We met Alex [such a small world] in the train again, left them in Rotterdam and went home. We did some shopping and baked a brownie. And man, that was some delicious brownie. Especially the next day. Like a piece of heaven. So awesome, that I want to have it again.

Monday came soon and I went on my sightseeing day No 2 around the Amsterdam. I walked and walked and then rain started. So I got completely soaked. I was still ready to keep on going and the sun started shining, so at the end I decided to keep on getting lost and finding amazing things in the city. That was right until I saw this big cloud above me. I ran for my bike and started biking for home. I didn’t make it on time, of course. Firstly, I got lost without looking at the map and then I had to turn back and take the other root.. long story short – I got heavy rain on me again and by the time I got back home, I was soaked again.

When Rick showed up, we had dinner and talked a little before he had to go to football practice. I stayed in, since it was raining non-stop. Alex decided to come to the city, so I went to pick him up and we ended up talking about Greek Easter, TV shows and all the other fun things. After a bit Rick went to sleep, and then soon enough me and Alex joined the dreams kingdom as well.

On my last day in Amsterdam I allowed myself to sleep a little longer, then went for breakfast with Alex. We took the tram, went to the city, walked around Amsterdam for the last time and then we separated – he went to meet a friend for a coffee and I went to the train station to meet Rick and get to the airport.

After a long goodbye I took my stuff, got on the plane and in a mere moment landed in rainy Copenhagen. I went to the Dubs, because I needed to talk to someone. Good thing I found Gosia there, so I had my part of friend there. At the end I took metro, went home and slept.

And now the old/new schedule starts again. Dealing with same things, working again and trying to finish my studies. Nothing more to add.



Off Topic

Funny how things work sometimes. World, is this a new battle, again? Just when I thought I actually proved myself wrong and managed to open up again, you slam the doors to my face? Are you just enjoying messing up with my system? I don’t want to crash, and so I won’t. but I would still like to understand the reason.

Why you take it from me and in probably the best possible way for this situation that makes me feel even worse? Is this your way of saying – this is not for you. Get over it. Get with the program? Because  I am not so sure anymore.


Maybe I should have told something. Maybe I still should. I still cannot make up my mind. I want to take a risk. And I am quite sure I am willing to make a change. I am just afraid to make it worse. And no, not for me. For the people I care about.

One last chance?

I found our song. And now I think I will have to delete it from my playlist.



8 Sep 2012

°Every siren is a symphony°


It’s been a while. So little time and so many things are happening. And yet again, there is nothing to say out loud. Or type. Or anything.

It’s been a lot of work and not so much fun recently. Working for 13 days in a row and then only enjoying one day off, which is not enjoying at all, but doing all the things you were not able to do at those busy days is somewhat tiring. And I am tired. Of it all. I am happy on some level but I am not at my best. But it’s unavoidable, since, not like some people, I do not get everything on a golden plate. I actually have to work hard to achieve.

I finally did my shopping. And you should have seen the smile on my face when my new baby, my camera arrived. It was like Christmas and birthday at the same day. Happy like a little kid. All it takes is just a piece of a cleverly put electronics together to make me smile with laughter. Have you experienced that?

All the rest is still the same. I still have that stupid insomnia that makes me not sleep during the nights and then constantly tired during the day. And no, I have not considered taking medications for that. I refuse to believe that I have a serious condition there. It’s only insomnia. And I will beat it my own way. As for the panic attacks.. Those will fade as well. I finally learned to live with them and they are not as scary as that monster, coming out of the closet when I was just a little child.

I managed one more `to die for` from my list. And I have to thank the world for that. I asked, I made a deal and it delayed the fight for this. I got to see Coldplay. And it was an unforgettable memory that will not go away that easy. It started with Charli XCX. Her music was okay, but all I could think was `girl, who is dressing you?`. It was bad [to my eyes at least anyways], really bad. After her Marina and the Diamonds came and cheered my heart. While listening to `Primadonna` I was only thinking of that one person, who’s face is popping every single time in front of me when I hear it. I still cannot forget those eyes and that smile. Once Coldplay showed up, everyone went crazy. There were everything: lights, fireworks, lasers, you name it. And all those good old songs and new good songs.. Oh my.. That was definitely to die for. I still cannot stop listening to them. And after the concert I went to say hello to Mantas and to Michael, since I promised him that. In the Dubliner I met Gosia, Alan and a friend of his and stayed for a drink. One drink turned into several and before I knew I was helping them closing and finally, after leaving everyone inside, I went to meet Mr. Sleep. Insomnia was still there, of course, but after a few beers it is easier to beat her. I think she is not big of a drinker anyways.

A few days later we went on a little trip with my other job. We took a boat, went to some kind of an island, where they have all those team building games. It was amazing. I had a lot of fun, even though not understanding the language made it a little hard to be a part of the team, but I still managed to give advices to help to improve. It was a big amount of fun and joy, then some food and then some time of doing nothing. We had a little too much time as such, nothing to do, a little too cold for walks and all that. Still that was one of the best days in here. Especially for that little message I’ve got and proved me right. I knew it. And even though it did not lead to nowhere. Now I know. And now it is easier to play. Keep on going!

Of course I brought my bubble gun to the trip as well. And as little as fun it might look for some, I had tones of fun. I went on swings, I played with bubbles, I attracted some more people with that. I let myself being a little kid again for a change. Who smiles at such little thing as soap bubbles.

Off topic

Watching Gossip Girl made me realize how little drama there is in my life. And after finishing watching it, I got the whole GG’s style drama in my own life. It affected me more than I could have imagined, although thanks to that one person I managed to overcome it. That wasn’t my drama. I just somehow got involved in it. At the end I lost faith in a lot of people. But then again, I decided to try and give a second chance to one of them. Huge attempt and honest regret together with actions made me realize I did not make a mistake this time. I may never trust that person the way I trusted before, but I know that if I ever need, I will always have a friend to take my pint for me. It’s funny how in the middle of it all the person I did not even know before, was there for me. Not judging, not telling what to do, just being there. For me. Just like that. Faith in people is back on again.

Which reminded me of that one person. Who never ever judged me, who never requested for anything and yet, gave plenty. Who was always there for me and still is. Who is a true real friend that, at some point in my life, I thought only exists in fiction. True friends are for keeping and even though it took me a while to get there, I’ll try to keep this one. Selfish, you may say, and I would not disagree. But this is what true friends are for.

How important and how real is `Love` word for you? I guess I will never know. Because I will never ask. And you will never explain. Because you may not even remember of that moment. But I know that on some level you will always love me. Because you see something in me you wish you had. It’s never too late though, you know? You can still be whatever you want to be.

The more I live the better I understand. I am what I make myself. And I will be where I want to be. If I get stuck, it’s my own lack of believing. Or strength. Or anything. But I will always be honest with myself. And I will always be what I want to be.

It’s amazing how even after all those years you manage that. Despite of all my effort to keep the distance, not to get involved and being away. I still cannot run away from it. Is there a cure? Or is it simply faith and I just have to run with the flow. `See me ASAP`. And you don’t even mention where. I can do the timing, but you have to give me coordinates.


`Always  yours`. This goes both ways. Until the day of the papers to be signed.

I may never get over this. But it’s a lie. I just don’t want to get over this. I want and I can see I am moving forward. But at some point it will be your turn. Are you ready to try? Just say yes.


I know you meant that. And even though I may never get to the point where I get the actual answer, it’s enough for now. I have been right and it feels good. Not the being right part. But that part where that is actually true. It seems like we are building it. A bit after bit. This is going to be some big and strong thing. I’m just happy we did not screw this one up. Now.. almost nothing can tear that up. Do you smile too?

I have experienced blue moon. Michael got socks and I got this strange feeling. No wonder those things only happing on blue moon. And now, after almost a year, one night after the Blue Moon night I missed my misery of Santiago. Never thought it would happen. I guess I can still surprise me after all.



A thought. Why does growing up always comes in a package of boredom? I want those funny looking socks with hands and faces. No matter what others think. It’s cool. And it’s fun. And it’s me.

I had one more, completely unexpected, not tearless wave. It’s just this time it felt like healing. I think I may have done the impossible once again. Just a constant check-up, as a bad habit is left. I did not even rushed when I had a decent excuse. How cool am I?
I’m gonna run away. Not like Lola. I’ll take the Logan’s run. And there will only probably be one person to irritate me instead of holding my hand. What do you say world? Next pay-day? I’m on it.

Just like he said – it’s us against the world. And by us I mean me and Steffany. Because when it comes down to that – she is the only one on my side. Too bad world have one too many of the back ups. But we are becoming a stronger force. You are no longer in a picture.




<…>
When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach so
She ran away in her sleep
<…>
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly 
Every tear a waterfall 
In the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes
In the night the stormy night away she'd fly
<…>
And so lying underneath those stormy skies
She'd say, "oh, ohohohoh I know the sun must set to rise
<…>

10 Aug 2012

°Keep it with me always°


It’s amazingly unbelievable how my luck sometimes strikes in the worst moments ever. Just after I posted my last entry and read one last e-mail on my computer next morning it was long gone already. Again, I may add. And all of the time, when my computer crashes, I lose all of the possible and impossible motivation do anything with that anymore. So that should answer the question on – how is it going for me and my thesis – not good, not great and can I ask something – don’t ask that again. I’m tired of answering. Honestly.

So after my computer crashed I got my wake up call. You can call that a moral hangover finally kicked in or something, but I decided to change some parts of my living. And it was going all well. I even started to renovate and reconstruct. And even though I am still in the progress, but I think I can see that light at the end of the tunnel.

And my life have been pretty much easily the same day after day. I have been working almost every single day, so not so much time left for anything else. I’ve been doing day shifts, then night shifts, then day shifts again and then night ones – again. It used to make m kind of tired, and after a week of this, on a day off, I would just want nothing but do nothing.

I did manage to finish `Clockwork orange` and read a few other books. I even took two Spanish fairy tales books and I am going to read. I honestly hope so. I need to improve my Spanish. I already responded to my friend’s e-mail in Spanish and I hope we will keep on going that direction.

As stupid as is sounds sometimes, I got completely hooked up on `Gossip Girl`. Feel free to call me crazy or childish or anything. I got hooked up. And even if after some seasons it became a little less exciting, I am still waiting for the new season so come up.

And the last weekend became a little out of the usual – doing nothing, happens nothing – schedule. I took the whole weekend off [does not happen, like ever] and then Rick came for a visit. It was like a small catching up. After Amsterdam, where we had so little time for catching up, this was a great deal for that. We talked, we laughed, we biked, we visited chick with legs and sand castle kind of festival. We went to the Dubliner a few nights and had an unforgettable show, which I will not discuss on the internet. We watched movies, had take away pizzas, walked around Christiania and just had tones of fun.

Now he is gone, I am back on my busy schedule in the Dubs and some more thing I need to take care off. I am probably getting back to my old life. With my new thoughts.

And as for the long gone new found sounds: can I have a picture of you, tonight?`



P.S. I have been waiting and wanting for this for as long as I can remember. And at the spot, I managed to forget it. Too bad my memory sometimes plays tricks with my mind. But I managed. And one more impossible is done. Crossed out of my list. From now on the rain will never remind me of me.

P.P.S. This was something exactly I needed. It seems like you know me better than we both are ready to admit. It’s been 6 years now and we are still on that same little piece of paper. You always seem to disappear for what it seems ages, you get back with that hug the minute it is most needed.