31 May 2012

°Run. Louder°

Why is it always the sound that makes me feel good-bad-devastated-miserable-excited or any other possible feeling in the world?

Once again, I found the sound that I just cannot stop listening to.

I really should reconsider and say `..... it all, I am going to Århus`. It's just that with my pathetic money situation I am not sure I can afford it. Poor fellas like me can only own trouble at the time.

There will be concerts later or, right? I need to hear it.

Or maybe learn to play it. Will you help me out? I promise to buy a guitar, if necessary.

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear


I made myself some chocolate cookies and cacao drink. And all I could think about, all I could dream about was snow. A snow storm, winter, that you can enjoy while you are cuddling with your blanket in front of a good bad TV.

Made it all coming back to me. I miss snow. I miss winter. It's almost a year since the last time I have seen snow. And it will be at least 8 months till I will see some more of it.

Snow storm. In the middle of Copenhagen at the end of May. You may not love me anymore. And once, it was a fact.

Everything is going to be ok. If not - I can always use a magic button:

Feel free to use it too. Fabulous, isn't it?

Off Topic

Drawing a second line


28 May 2012

°There's a ghost°

Good old sounds have found myself. Or maybe I found them. Does not really matter, I guess. We have found each other again. And no, I do not believe in second chances. Not when it comes to Escape with Romeo, though. We deserve all of the chances we need in life.

Blood. Tears. Gold.

I turned back and realized this only just this minute [amazing how sometimes the obvious things takes time for me to see and realize] - Romeo, just like the casino at the end of the world - I got it from somewhere. And this why I probably always ask Romeo to hold my hand or run away [escape] and watch the starry sky.

It's all coming back to me now.

Either way - I'm still living in Copenhagen. After several nights with almost no sleep at all, I cracked yesterday. But today, after full decent night of sleep I am myself again. And even though my emotional chaos is in it's own order [chaosy] - my karma agreed to brush it and calm it down.

And so one after an other dissapointment, ignore, little small detail, suddenly, today, I've got enough. I am not ripping any pages from my life, but I am turning new page. Opening new chapter. I am going back to living again.

No, you will not be able to crock me up.

And that honest missing thing.. Yes, it helps to keep the balance. I still keep on smiling like an idiot and those butterflies keep on bouncing to the walls of my stomach.

It does not even hurt.

Off Topic

Drawing a line:



26 May 2012


This is what I have been looking for

<...>Just as much as I want you<...>

There was this time in my [should I say our?] life [lives?]. It's all coming back to me now. And I know I am the damn cause. If it wasn't for me, none of this would cross my mind. And even though it is still a little foggy, I think I can see the colours straight.

I know I have said this before. But the only mistake I have made there was to believe. And I refuse to admit that believing has a negative taste. Just like jam lasts forever and never goes bad, so does belief. There is absolutely nothing wrong in belief. And now I know it too.

Taking the on-topic to the off topic
I am living in a beautiful srping/summer. I am getting more and more addicted to Snow Patrol [I am starting to seriously consider going to Århus for their concert]. I am trying to make it happen. I am walking on the blade, but somewhat more careful. Growing up?

I have a friend here this weekend. I have a friend coming and very hopefully meeting next weekend. I have some shifts for upcoming three weeks, I have a place to live for the next month and... I have a plan how to make my Thesis, Spanish, Japanese and guitar things to improve. Now if only I could keep it to my plans.

Keep your fingers crossed and wish me luck. No, better - wish me a miracle.

It's hard to argue when

you won't stop making sense

Hands open and my eyes open

I just keep hoping
that your heart opens

So me. So right straight to the bottom of the stomach me. How? Or am I overeacting and seeing things that do not exist?

I thought you were different. Turns out, you only saw me as white/green pill. Once it fixed you [or gave you a temporary positive effect], you suddenly forgot it exist. I wonder if you come again for another pill, will you find the bottle cracked open and terribly empty. I sure hope so, but I can never be sure.

25 May 2012

°Coping and Copying°

Come to Copenhagen and you will see how life can be sometimes.
I’m going crazy. Literally. Feel free to delete me from your facebook list.
Or am I?
Life has been a normal simple one in here. Except that I have been working a lot. Which is ok [great indeed], too bad it is only temporarily. And then.. We’ll see. You never know how much or how little I will get later.
Anyways. Work. Man, I love it. Except when it is in The Dub and it’s the night [Friday/Saturday] shifts. All the rest – you learn a lot, you joke a lot, you experience a lot, you chat a lot, you laugh and you smile and..

Take this for instance. Yesterday I have been working in some important dinner something party. It was all over the place. Some awards, some nominations, big people with red carpet and fancy food and all.. And on top of that – since we had to prepare the place for it – I learned how to serve the tables properly. You know, for those fancy events. So now, I don’t have to ask if fork goes to the left of to the right, which glass is for white wine or where the hell it goes on the table. Now I know it all.

And then.. Nothing much is happening. Well, I have been looking for a place to live. And can I just tell you – not that easy.. Not that easy. I have seen one place where toilet+shower is no more than 1 square meter. Then another place with no shower at all. Then one more with a strange people living in and one more with two cats and one dog and all of the smell of theirs..

I was almost getting desperate, but at the end a friend of a friend was leaving and was looking for someone to take her place for a month. Lucky for me, dates were perfect, and the place is just amazing. It was so great, I could hardly hold my breath. I kind of want to live there now for longer time. Anyways, that’s not possible, but at least for a month I will be living in a paradise. Who would have thought.

Anyways, job hunting does not go too well. I still don’t get what the hell is wrong with me or with them. Seems like no one needs me or wants me, but if I work, I only get compliments how well am I doing. So what – nobody wants good hard workers? This employment issue is not a good friend of mine. I just hope something will come up and I will not end up being miserable and unemployed AGAIN.

Off Topic
I went to the interview in one shop. They asked what I could say about the clothes they are selling. I looked around. If I could be honest, I would have said that this is everything what is wrong with the world. Nobody would listen, in any case, and I could not possible tell the truth. But it is. I stick to my guns. I believe in me. Funny, there was a point where I believed in you too.

What would you have to say about flirting? I’d say it is almost as necessary as breathing and eating. Will you flirt with me? I promise, I will be good. I won’t blink as much as on that `walking the blade` day [or what is night?].

By the way. Once I saw this thing that to me looked completely inappropriate and I just cannot understand why people would even do that. A couple [I am assuming.. they better] where biking in front of me. She – skinny, he – totally a lot overweighed [ok, no judgment], both on separate bikes, but they are in front of me and he is grabbing her ass [no, I am not kidding] while they are going. I mean, come on.. We are in Denmark, the place where you can have sex in the park, if you do not disturb others, but why would you keep on touching other’s ass on the bike in the middle of the road, especially when you are nothing like even an acceptably looking person?

I got completely hooked up on Snow Patrol. The good thing about it – calories free chocolate. Still dangerously addictive though.

What have I done it's too late for that
What have I become truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise I'll do anything you ask...this time

P.S. I don’t know which decision to take. What to do. And how to act. I honestly and very simply just don’t know? Is it worth it? Maybe. Once again, some thousand miles and who knows for what.

18 May 2012

°Snow yesterday. Sun today°

It's like we just can't help ourselves
'Cause we don't know how to back down
We were called out to the streets
We were called in to the towns

And how the heavens, they opened up
Like arms of dazzling gold
With our rain washed histories
Well they do not need to be told

Show me now, show me the arms aloft
Every eye trained on a different star
This magic
This drunken semaphore
And I
We are listening
And we're not blind
This is your life
This is your time

We are listening
And we're not blind
This is your life
This is your time

I was called out in the dark
By a choir of beautiful cheats
And as the kids took back the parks
You and I were left with the streets

Show me now, show me the arms aloft
Every eye trained on a different star
This magic
This drunken semaphore
And I

We are listening
And we're not blind
This is your life
This is your time

Snow Patrol - called out in the dark.mp3

Why do we always forget such simple truths?
I don't want to pretend anymore. Romeo - I want to run away. Take me by my hand.

P.S. You only have to be coragious for 20 seconds.

17 May 2012

°You're all mad, aren't you?°

I have to be honest here - I borrowed the title from `IT crowd`. Which is, by all means, probably THE best comedy sitcom ever made. If you haven't seen it - consider it a crime and turn it on. Download it. Buy it. Do whatever, but trust me on this one - watch it.

But we are not here to talk about it, anyways. It's about the madness. You know, in the beginning, I was making a little [ok, sometimes not so little] fun of people here in CBS school. Yes, it is a fancy school and yes, fancy people attend lectures here and still.. I just can't help but smile.

It started innocently enough - with all those apples, who make you want to go back to those easy times in life where apples and blackberries were just fruits [blackberry is techniucally not a fruit, but alright as Sheldon Cooper would say]. For those who are not aware - it is some holliday and day off in Denmark today. What that means - they open our library in CBS at ten. I cam in early, because I just did not want to wander around my room while doing nothing. I sat down next to the library with the rest of the people and took my book out. By the way, if you ever start looking for something to read, try Marian Keyes. She is hiliarious, easy to read and really get you into it. But we already got to the off topic. So yes, CBS, before the opening hours of library. I am just sitting listening for Snow Patrol and reading my hilarious book. At around 9:45 [do not forget danes are very strict with rules and all] people started gathering around the doors more and more impatiently. It literally reminded me those old times in Soviet Union when people were waiting for the shops to open so they could stay in line for several hours in order to buy oil or mayonaise. That made me smile. I mean, how faster you are going to get to that desk if you stay two meters closer to the doors?

Then the doors opened, the madness started. It reminded me of an episode from some movie where girls were waiting for some shop to be opened, so they could rush into it and start buying dresses or other crap. These CBS kids, I am not exaggerating, started running inside, like there was something valuable and given away for free. Was I crazy or were they? I just sat there, couldn't hold my laugh anymore and just watching them to make a traffic jam, running and speeding towards the desks that were still half empty when I entered.

Kean to learn? O kean to be the first ones even in such unimportant thing as `who gets through the door first?`

It may not be for me to understand.

Off Topic

I have a great intuition. Sixth sence. I am not bragging - I got it as a compliment right today. Oh wow, I fell in love with myself ahain.

By the way. Out of nowhere, but borrowed from my best flat mate ever. Just a thought. In a picture.

Are you sure you want to stay in the little bubble? I have to say, living in the big one is like walking on the blade, constantly. But I have never felt more alive. How was that quote from Green Street Hooligans? Let me look it up for you:

I've never lived closer to danger, but I've never felt safer.

Oh.. and if you have never seen a movie - do it. It is fabulous. Even if I never say fabulous.

16 May 2012

°Disaster button°

Once a cheater, always a cheater
True or false?

Anyways that was a complete off topic. I am still in Copenhagen. I am cheating no one and no one is cheating on me [I hope at least, anyways].

It’s been just as it always has been. Almost. With Monika working every single day last week, my days were the same as always: waking up, going to school, learning or pretending to learn, go back home, watch some good bad TV on my computer and sleep. And then once again.. The same scenario again.

One day they needed people to work in the same conference center with Monika. I was more than happy and excited to take the spot. We went there, put on white shirt and started to work. I have to say – I enjoyed it. It is somewhat waving job, you know, one minute you have plenty on your hands and then after – easy, very easy. I learned some things about it, left good impression [I think and I hope] and left after having a big and extremely tasty dinner.

It worked out. I am having at least 2 more shifts in the same center next week. My life couldn’t have been better at this point.

Before we came to the weekend, I joined Monika for what we like to call it `free wine` occasion. There was some meeting of her class, don’t ask me what that was exactly. It was fun. I had wine, one too many coconut cake [very delicious], I talked to some nice people there. We ended up watching `Coco before Chanel` movie and got inspired by inspirational women.

On Monday, celebrating Monika’s marathon of work and exam, we were making brownie. It was really an exciting moment, since we both never done it at home alone [with no one supervision] and we just wanted lots of lots of chocolate and serotonin. So we made it, it wasn’t perfect, but good enough for us, full of chocolate and freshness, we had some wine and `Finding Nemo`. It was a great night, really.

But if you read this and think that this sounds a little too good to be Ona’s life – you are right. On Saturday, my computer made little saddest sound and disappeared from the screen. After trying to turn it on it said `no internal hard disc drive is found`. It was official. I lost my computer, lost my files [hopefully someone will manage to get them out] and I lost my main tool for writing my thesis. Well, isn’t that just sweet? I panicked the first day, I tried to find ways to fix it, I talked to my computer geniuses friends and they all told me the same. Get over it, girl, it’s lost. Now I have another thing to worry about – how to get money for one more necessary thing. Care to donate some?

Off Topic

When I think about the things I've done
I laugh out loud to no one

But I became honest Mr. Mistaken

On my behalf
There's something inside me'n'I know it's good
But understanding, it's misunderstood
At the end of a smile, there's a laugh n a half

Ring any bell?

Surprisingly, he reminded me of most of them. It was intimacy of him, jokes of him, touch of him, feeling of him.. And now – missing feeling of me. How did I let myself to get into this? There is a story oh a photographer. There is a story of a Coin. There is a story of cake maker. There is some new, yet undeveloped story. Am I sinking in?
I had this magical Sunday with a strange customer in it. He was drunk and he was 49. Funny enough, he thought I was 20 or 21 and that my English was marvelous [his words, not mine] and that I sound Irish [I even asked Michael, but he told me I do not]. He was telling me how sweet and nice and pretty and so on I am and all I could think about - why are you telling me this? What about your wife back in Sweden? Would she be thrilled to hear this? Why me? And why now? I did not show even the slightest attention. And still, I got his..

I keep on thinking that it might be the same side of the two coins. You and me. Yes. Don’t overestimate yourself though. I may not talk about you.

Turns out – we didn’t had it all.

Do you think I'm special?
Do you think I'm nice?
Am I bright enough to shine in your spaces?
Between the noise you hear, and the sounds you like
Are we just sinking the ocean of faces?
It can't be possible... the rain can fall
Only when it's over our heads.
The sun is shining everyday, but it's far away.
Over the world that's dead.

I am not going to say it out loud, but I got disappointed. When you needed someone to hold your hand, I held it. I held your hair when you had to throw up. And then I needed you to hold my hand, you just left it hanging. Do I still call you a friend or do I stop pretending?

Let's paint the picture
Of the perfect place
They'll be the King of Hearts, and you're the Queen of Spades

Can I just say something? I am so happy I could do rainbows. Honestly, only for you. Because your happiness at this particular moment is more important than anything else. Because you’re a good kid. You didn’t deserve it.

Hit that button there
The one that just says wrong

5 May 2012

°And the other shoe dropped°

Have you ever been to Copenhagen? It’s not as bad as I used to say. It’s actually nice. Or maybe it’s me who’s changed. After several conversations with some very honest people I got to get to the point where I had to admit. That girl was really a mess. The one I was before. In the past. Good it is the past, anyways.

For the last three weeks I have just been living. In fact, I have been living a good, damn good, life. Of course, I could have easily got back to the old self and freak out, but to be honest – I cannot allow myself that. Besides, my optimistic side of me would never allow me that.

Almost every day I have been going to school. I finally managed to find a topic and get it approved by my professor. So first big, huge in fact step is done and now I only need to actually get down to it, work hard and write it. The topic is actually interesting to me and I just need a good old kick in my ass. Who would volunteer for the job? I’m very available. I hope you are too.

My psychedelic part is very alive though. You may get surprised by the things you may read. You may not understand what you read. I can just give you the heads up – I am not going to Christiana. I am not smoking anything that is illegal. I am not taking anything that would even become doubtful if it is legal or not. I am completely sane. And still, with that little insane part that makes me smile like crazy and you call me psycho. Have I ever mentioned that I take it as a compliment? Always. How’s that?

So despite going and trying to find a topic for my thesis I have been non-stop applying for jobs. And that part is frustrating. It’s like fighting a wind mill and can I just say – I’m getting tired of this. I look at the advertisement, I see I am 100% suitable according to the requirements and then after I get an answer – we are sorry to inform you, but the decided to continue with candidates you are more suitable for the position. How come? If I am 100% suitable, what are they? Well ok, I do not care that much anymore. My skin is way thicker than it was before. I still don’t loose hope. Something will open up right? It just has to. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Thanks in advance.

The rest is life much fun. Monika and I engage ourselves in interesting conversations from time to time. It’s really fun and relaxing living with her. She has straight opinion about everything and sometimes we have different opinions, but that doesn’t make things worse. Better – maybe. But worse – never. We watch movies, we watch comedy things, we share ideas and secrets. We actually are enjoying it all.

One weekend I had my own `party` day and night. I met a friend, who is going to some special place and we will not see each other for at least 8 months. Maybe more, who knows. We definitely do not know. I met him and his friend already after couple of drinks, so they were a little out of their faces. Despite that we managed to get to another bar, have some more drinks, place some table football [if you tell me how to spell that damn foo’s-ball, next time I will use a correct name for it] and waited for the time when they had to go and meet some more friends. Somehow I ended up joining them as well. We went to some friend’s of my friend’s place, had some more drinks, had some fun, but I became tired and really tired and since it was already clear we are not going anywhere after, I headed home. That was a little challenge, since I have never been to that place before, so even though I knew approximate way to get back home, with the night and all – wasn’t that simple. I managed though. I got back and let myself to sleep.

On 1st of May we went to the park with some of Monika’s friends. We enjoyed the sun and summer feeling weather. It was a great day and we ended up at Mantas’s bar. There I spent most of my time talking to one of the regulars and keeping an eye on Monika’s friends, who were there with me. I walked one of them to the metro and then headed back home in a cold but sweet night.

I went to the Dubs for my papers one day and got none. Well, who would be surprised, right? So instead I stayed there and talked with a bartender. He is a flirting master, even though still young comparing to me, but I learned a lot about him. Works in the bars almost all of his life, plays guitar and can sing.. We had a nice talk and decided to continue another day, maybe after one of the shifts.

I had an interview in another irish looking and sounding pub. I think I looked ok there, I have experience, I had no troubles with time and flexibility, I had no problems working at nights and all, but I never got a call back. So probably.. I did not get it. Well, bad things happen to good people right?

We also had a little goodbye dinner with Monika’s flat mate who left couple of days earlier. I made chicken curry and was so proud of it.. It was almost perfect. Really, really good. We went for a walk after and stayed a little in the park in the sun. we played on swings and even had some pictures as proofs [not me, I am still waiting for donations to get myself a camera].

And all the rest.. Business as usual. I think I am getting used to the place and people and weather and my life. I still feel optimistic and good. Something definitely changed inside of me. Maybe I should thank you this time?

Off Topic

I am still fighting me demons. I am trying to make friends with some. Apparently they are like Danes, they have enough friends. So I cannot be one of them. So I still need to fight. I still don’t get it, because I can see it myself – I am ruining the whole thing, not them. I am putting my head in a whole and then I am somehow surprised why someone tries to bite it off. Maybe I should experience with some new weapons? Bow and arrows could be nice. At least I could fight my demons from the distance?

Once I got to CBS I instantly remembered of this one quote I read in on bar in Santa Marta [city, not person]: Life was so much easier when apples and blackberries were just fruits. I am not kidding, more than half of those fancy kids in have apple computers. It’s like contagious disease. At that instant moment, I stopped wanting an apple. Just like that, immediate unwanting feeling. Almost as I stopped wanting you, now I stopped wanting apple. Man, that must be some great immune system I’ve got.

But surprisingly, turns out that those posy CBS kids have their own charm as well. Some guy who was sitting next to me at the library went away for several minutes, so his friends put a picture of a half naked gay guy on his desktop. That made me laugh as well. Maybe not everything is lost irreversibly?

I’ve got one pretty an okey day at school. On my way back I was asked to buy something from the shop so I passed through our place and went straight. That’s when I started hearing strange noises and my bike’s chain stopped spinning. Apparently, I lost one of the little stars. That just became a very shitty day I thought, but I managed to collect all of the lost details, go to shop and by what was needed. I got back to the entrance of the place and tried to fix my bike. I already almost made it right, but it was still not working and I was already covered all in black. I was cursing badly, since I started hating the day. I mean, come on.. it’s my bike, my baby, my Houston Madison, my vehicle.. and then some elder guy went by and asked if I needed help. I told him that I think I’ve got it and he pointed me where that little star was supposed to be. I tried to fix it again, but it was hard with no tools [I have two tools but apparently my bike breaks in the places where you need some other kind of tools]. So the guy went to his car, took a little thingie and stayed there with me till I fixed the bike. I was so happy and so thankful for him, I could hardly hold my smile on my face. He even gave me his gloves as if `for the next time`, told me where he lives and that he has been working with cars all of his life, so he could help me any time if I needed some help. So an okey day went from okey to bad and then from bad to awesome. That guy completely made my day. I was finally so f…. happy I could s… rainbows.

I had several very strange feeling on my first shift in the Dubs. To begin with – it was so much easier than I remembered. It was much easier to smile and be nice to people. Staff was unbelievable, complete sweethearts but also, very young. And then I met Granty and talked to him it seemed as if nothing has changed. And yet again, once he told me what I have never actually forgot, but never thought for a second it could be true, hit me. Was he for real? Why is it always, when I wonder and doubt, it turns out to be true. Have I made a mistake? We may have possibility to check it out. But I was too shocked to ask for more.

This is where it takes us.

I thought of sending you an e-mail. O maybe an actual mail. Unload it all, or ask the questions you would rather not answer. Finally I decided against it all.

I will give you a chance to unload it. Or maybe forget it. Or maybe keep it on a permanent `what if` level.

This time everything changed. Not sure if you noticed that, but I did. We are not as we used to be. And we react differently. Maybe we grew up. But maybe we will do the same mistake all over again.

This last call and the unspoken messages in it were significant.

And yet.. We almost had it all.

I’m happy. How about you?

Don’t worry. I will never grow up. I will never slow down. I will never try to chase you down.

Funny how this time there is no one to hold my hand. And I am not even sure I need someone to hold my hand. I am pretty good with holding it myself. I think I am not afraid of myself anymore.

But can I tell you the secret? You made a mistake. You’ve lost it. And now it will never be the same again. My heart’s not in it. It’s never coming back. No second chances and no regrets. Over.

It either funny or sad. But I went through this as well. And he, yes he, went through this as well. Now it’s your turn. And I would do anything to be there for you, but I can’t. I just know it’s going to be all okey. No words will make it better for you, but it will be fine. Believe in me and I will virtually hold your hand.

Funny how the world turns sometimes. My problems seem so minor comparing to yours right now. I so with I could be there for you. Why is it always something?

I love those moments when the other shoe drops. Do you remember? That time you completely took me by surprise. And even now, after all these years, you still have the same effect on me. Shoe dropping feeling.

<…..>They come out of the blue sky 
But you never know where they're gonna go 
Hey Romeo 
Miller's fingers are traveling down the length of her thigh
But Miller's mind is still wandering
Staring up at the sky 
They come out of the blue sky<.....>

The only song that makes me cry even if I am in a really great, good, awesome mood. The only song that makes my emotions shiver and change rapidly. Is this because of Romeo? Somehow anything that has Romeo inside has a little too big of an effect on me.

This one could be our song:
<.....>And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive<....>

Better not though. Too many memories are attached to this one already. Besides, we almost had it all.