29 Apr 2010

I find a map and draw a straight line..

It's amazing. I'm amazing. The situation is amazing. Where did I managed to get this skill, to p*** the world off. Not once, not twice, but again and again and again and again.

-World, I promise to be a good girl from now on - would You promise not to take this from me? I know that You know how important it is for me, and yet again, You are playing with me. Is this 'just for fun' again? I can live with it. I can deal with it, just in the end - do not take it away, world, please-

I know, it's never been easy. Not for me. The world is enjoying himself [herself?] while fooling around with me. Who knows, maybe it's just the trial, and still I have no idea, what I am accused for. Or why all this is happening. I'm not getting tired, I'm just getting confused.

Why is it always, that the biggest dreams are so difficult to achieve? And not because I don't try enough, it's because the world seems to be trying everything, so make it complicated.

You can't take this one away from me. Well, ok, You can, but I am asking You not to. I will accept any challenge You are/will be giving to me, just let's make this small deal - in the end, I get what I want? What do You say, World? Do we have a deal? Just say yes. And see You soon then.

22 Apr 2010

OFF Topic

Strange life, when You think about it. Sometimes. It’s been a while since the last time I felt so confused. Way too many things are happening. Around me, inside my head. It’s better not to think too much, I suppose. But then again, one thing is to know what to do, the other thing is to follow the right path.

I still keep on coming being surprised, how this are happening again and again. It’s like endless circle and I keep on finding myself back in it, all the … time. It is fascinating in some way, but yet, You start getting a bit bored or annoyed because of that – still can’t decide which one is the real one.

I can’t get this message out of my head ‘He wanted her to be happy. But he did not know, that happy she wanted to be with him’. Off topic, I guess.

Conversation on the end of the world:
He: Tell me, You love me.
She: I love You.
He: Prove it. Jump.
She: Do You Love me?
He: Yes!
She: Push.
Even more off topic, I guess. But just for the sake of curiosity. Would You? Jump? Push?

Keep on getting back the same lyrics in my head:
‘And You’re singing the song
Singing this is the life
And You wake up in the morning and Your head feels twice the size
Where You’re gonna go? Where You’re gonna sleep tonight’
On some strange, unexplainable level it is the answer. Yes, to the question, You would not ask.

It was snowing yesterday. That perfect snowing – big pieces, completely white and foggy sky. It was the perfect moment, although, very much temporary, still worth it all – being completely soaked and cold.
I still have a feeling that this was world’s way of saying “sorry for f…. up Your Karma by mistake”. And yet again, then it strikes a double doze later on. Was that world’s way of saying: “sorry once again, turns out, Your Karma was F….. up correctly from the very beginning”?

This is how it works in the universe apparently. Still plenty for me to learn.

11 Apr 2010

Time is ticking out.

It’s been a while since my last entry. Stuff happened, some of it I probably do not even remember. That powerful word “tomorrow”, when tomorrow never comes and lack of free time made it’s own – here we go with the entry after a, I would call, “too long time”.
Anyways, it is as it is.

St. Paddy’s day
It is an Irish big Green day and it is a perfect excuse for Danes to start drinking at 9 a.m. in the Irish pubs [in one of which, I happen to work], get completely waisted, have a black out before ordinary people finish they working days. So in this very special day, I had this ‘great’ opportunity to work there for 12 hours. To begin with, I don’t like drunk people. I don’t like even more big crowds of them. And then again, there, I’ve got it all. I entered the pub 19 sharply, found my boss and got a message: “forget Your bag, just get there [and by there he meant ‘the floor’] and try to do Your best. Was not that easy, I may add – way too many people, no possibilities to get through, they are all drunken drunk, falling on You, stepping on Your feet, shouting in Your ears. For some moments I thought it will never end. I was wrong. This is, how I say, the only good thing of a Paddy’s day – it ends, sooner or later. And so it did this time. After getting all of them out [some on two legs, some on four], we finally sat down for a beer at around 6 a.m. The problem was, I could not even go for more beers [and just be happy it’s over], because I had had a presentation, first thing in the morning, for school. So I just got back home, took a shower, just to make myself at least a little bit more alive for at least a little bit and went to school. At some point I thought I am not going to make it, but I did. Once again, the theory has proved itself – when there is no other way, You find the out.
Still the same – simply too many articles to read, too many things to learn or understand and lack of time for all of these things. We just had a mid-term just before the Easter. It was pretty crazy just before the Easter. I have started with the working and studying weekend, followed by study/study/study Monday, then a night shift and closing bar on Tuesday, finally mid-term on Wednesday and flying to Lithuania on the same day. So it won’t surprise me too much if I learn that my mid-term did not go in a perfect way.

I had my Easter in Lithuania. It’s strange, how You miss 8 months and when You come, it feels like You only left yesterday. But, only at some point, I may add. Meeting people is always a nice experience, especially when You haven’t seen them for months, making non ending calls to tax authorities, visiting them and banks and other official offices – not that much, but You cannot really avoid this ‘fun part’.
It was a bit shocking, to come back and see some of the sad thing in there, kind of helped me to start appreciate Denmark much more, although it’s still not the best place for me to be in.
Easter finished just as fast as it started and I did not even realized how fast the time goes and found myself in the plane back to Copenhagen, and since then – no normal free time. Soon, it will come, soon.

Small details
It’s amazing how sometimes small things can bring You back to joyful life or put You down. While a sincere hug after 10 hours of work and simple: “it’s almost over” can give You strength to finish You shift, or a smiling face and couple phrases can keep You smiling, even though it’s 4 a.m. already.
Of course, not only small good things are happening. It’s still kind of surprising to myself [and after a quarter of century, I suppose I should know myself pretty damn good] how one moment I can be happy, and the other one, when ‘reality kicks in” [and pretty hard straight to be stomach], I start almost crying. The good thing is – it does not last too long, so as long as it is temporary, I can live with it.

Not only reality sometimes kicks in. Spring does too. We probably already may say that it’s a real spring in here. Soon there will be warm enough just to stay in the park for all day long, maybe find some time on making pictures with no questions about Africa and strange faces, with “what’s my picture got to do with what I think of Africa?”
They say Copenhagen is real adventure during the spring and summer. I just I’m having time to experience that.