12 Jun 2011

.Coming back for More.

The world have gone really not liking me last week. It’s amazing really, I am making cookies for the world, I am working my *** off to be the best myself and still I only get those practical jokes from him [her?].

I managed to change the date for my driving test and it turned out to be real bad. For starters, I failed, even though I do not completely agree with the mistake I made, but there is no point in discussing that for sure. So I failed, happens, I am not the first one and definitely not the last one.

That wouldn’t have been that much of a disaster, if I didn’t miss my train, got back to work later than expected and get angry e-mail coming my way with all of my bosses in cc list how terribly I did not do what I was supposed to do. As fragile as I have been at that moment being [given the exam and emotional crisis], that was the last drop in my over-filled glass. But I made my way through it. I did not get into serious trouble after all. Well, you can’t expect anything to be great, or at least one out of many things to be great, when everything else is falling apart.

Either way, I was not ready to give up. It wasn’t suppose to mess my right to be happy. So I tried my best to ignore it all and start planning everything for the later. Sooner or later that just must work, right?

Wednesday night we went out to see `Hangover in Thailand` - the movie. The night was fun, we sneaked in beers into the movies, so it is more relaxing after a long difficult day to watch it, and the movie was good. Not great, but good. I was expecting it to be better, although I have to say, seeing Bangkok and other places where I have been just couple of months ago and so happy, brought some fresh memories back to my mind and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to smile or to cry. It made me remember how perfect the time I had there, how many great people I met and amazing places I’ve seen. How many unforgettable memories I brought from there and it made me realize, how much I would sacrifice to go back. Not my time though. Not now, not yet. Not sure when.

The next day, after all day long in the office and working, I gave myself a little present – I went to the concert of one of my, I can say that completely honestly, favorite bands in Lithuania. Completely untraditional, totally impromptu, full with sincerity and giving it all to the listeners. Some old songs, some new songs, some jokes that made us laugh till our stomachs start aching. It was a brilliant night, really – amazing people, wonderful songs, a beer after. Could you expect anything better? On top on everything, I met Katerina, a friend I haven’t seen for ages and wanted to see so much and so it was just a good luck to be at the same place at the same time. After a nice talk and a promise to meet up soon and catch up I went home and it started raining. Yes, it was a small little drops of water, not a real thick rain, but it was something I really needed that night. I was secretly hoping those drops of rain will wash a little of me.

I went to a house warming party on Friday and I saw some real great apartment. The place is nice, although the view is worth a million. You go up to the terrace and you see it all – what you want, you can see – the castle, the cathedral, the old town, the river – everything. When you have a view as such – you cannot want anything more, right? The next day, we took that easy. Although in the evening we got together with some friends, made some pizza, watched `My name is Khan` and went separate ways. It was an easy nice night and we were all very extremely happy that it was only Saturday.

I ended up spending my Sunday very specially. I was working on my Master thesis and sleeping. It’s brilliant, really, how sleepy reading that kind of stuff makes you. I could hardly keep my eyes open and then I had to fight a lot with myself to wake up. But I think I will try to make this one work. I mean – I have to. I just need a little kick in my *** and a little bit of a miracle. I can do the kicking, but could you send me some miracle? Via mail it will be fine too, you don’t have to deliver it to my door.

Off Topic

I can sense something I don’t like. And I couldn’t be more sure that I wish, I wish so badly I am wrong this time, but at the same time I know there is nothing in my power to change it. Basically – I just have to wait and see. Although, knowing how world is spitting out my cookies and still is looking at me with that evil eyes and grin – it may not end up in the best possible way.

`Sometimes they say they will be there to catch you when you fall. And you believe them, till you hit the ground`. And I want to tell to myself I’m done, but myself does not believe me.

I know I am taking some [or most] things too seriously sometimes [or most of the time], but honestly, this time, there is something inside of me, that stimulates me to stick to this. And I know I might have overreacted or anything, but this is the first time I am like this and what freaks me out that it doesn’t freak me out at all. Although I do agree with you I shouldn’t take life too seriously. Neither of us is getting out of it alive anyway.

Can I ask you something? Don’t. And if you do, you better make sure it’s worth it.

When you think about it – it’s a shame that stupidity cannot be converted into a usable energy source. It would be like an eternal engine. And I would be one of the parts of it, I’m sure.

Being drunk is not an excuse. Too bad, sometimes, it’s a reason.

5 Jun 2011

.Vague Vogue.

Who ever of you still think I am overreacting when I say that I have my own special `luck`, should probably reconsider those doubts. For some reason the world really hated me, at least yesterday.

And so I am still not sure if that was a mistake of a system or somebody’s personal fault, but that does not matter anymore, I guess. It’s already made the flaw to me, anyways.

So it all started kind of promising – I woke up, did not oversleep, got ready, took a book to read [because the one I have been reading I left at work – yes, that is totally my stupid fault] and took a train to Kaunas. I got to the city, the weather was nice and good for the driving test, the local transportation unit came on time and I was heading to the place. I got there way ahead of time, got to the register and gave all the necessary papers to the lady at the desk. It took her some time to check it, but I was in no hurry, just in a lot of stress. And finally she gives me news: `you school did not register you for the exam. You cannot take it`. That was a little shock to me. I mean, I went to school, I took the form that I finished the course successfully, the girl told me everything is under the control, so I had no doubts. She was checking me for couple of times and there was still no register of me for the exam. She called my school, I called my instructor – no one picked up and so I left without even taking the test.

I have to say, that took me completely off guard. I wasn’t prepared for this at all. I mean, I had everything settled and still I couldn’t take the test. I tried to call my school several times, no one picked up. It was officially over.

So I had nothing else better to do, I went back to my mom’s place and booked another exam in 1.5 weeks. I felt pretty bad. If that wasn’t enough, after couple of hours, I got a call from my school, they just returned my call. So I told them what happened, but it was already to late to fix it, so I would just give them a call on Monday to confirm my register. The girl sounded awful sorry about the situation, so I was kind of sure it wasn’t her fault. Anyways, that was over.

I spent the rest of the day easily, just being around, talking to my mom and watching some good bad TV.

The next day, better known as Sunday, it was a little more promising. I found a gap and so I register myself for the exam in couple of days, went shopping, bought myself a pair of shoes [that I desperately needed already], made some lunch with my mom and stayed easily.

After a while a friend of mine gave me a ride back home to Vilnius and so here I am, back home, preparing for a new week of routine: work-home-work-home-something else-work.

Off Topic

I did the crime and I will have to do the time.

Some things just don’t work out. No matter how much you want, how hard you try, how much effort you put in – it just doesn’t work. At least not the way you wanted to. And then you keep on wondering – was that a mistake to believe or a mistake to try to make it happen?

Before you shut the drapes – is it possible that sometimes love just isn’t enough?

I got myself caught in the discussion about engagement some time ago and somehow, I am still thinking about it a little. Once again, when my opinion completely disagrees with almost the whole world’s opinion, I start thinking, maybe it’s I’m freak, and not everyone else? And still, I cannot force myself to think of it as a public event, where everyone should be involved. I may be too naïve and too romantic [just as always] and stick to my guns, that this should be an event of strictly only two people, no one else involved. Besides, I know that original` and `creative` are pretty damn subjectively understood words, but somehow my original and creative doesn’t go together with the world’s. I just got myself wondering – is that is why the world does not like me that much? Come on world, let’s call it even. Let’s stop fighting. Just for once, don’t make it impossible. I do enjoy making missions impossible to become possible, but it’s getting harder and harder every single time. How about some peace? I will make you cookies.

P.S. I am not single. I am not committed. I am reserved for someone who deserves.

3 Jun 2011


It’s been a while and some stuff’s been happening. Nothing much in the very beginning though. You know, the usual, once you join the working race: you go to work, you do your job, you go home, you meet people for a beer or two, you go back and here is the next day with the same schedule.

I had a nice next weekend, though. The weather was really nice, so on Saturday I’ve decided to go out and check out `African concert` and hopefully get back to my, still vivid and fresh memories from Africa with amazing people. Unfortunately that was not going to happen. True, I should have known better those things always happen to me. Anyways, I went there, found a totally packed place and no friends whatsoever [come and tell me I am exaggerating when I say I have no friends, when I give calls for several people and none of them picks up, calls back or at least sends a message], took a beer and waited for the concert. What a disappointment came later when I only saw couple of white-skinned kids on the stage. And no, I am not a racists – far from it, but I was hoping for at least some real Africans, with some real sounds and moves, just like from the Ivory Coast or Cabo Verde. Well, I can expect, they can just not provide it to me. So I left. I mean, how can you call it African, when there is not even a slight part of real Africa.

The next day, better known as Sunday, I met some of my friends, went for a walk, stayed in the park, enjoyed sun and grass. Later on, I met some more friends, had some nice talks and the weekend was over. New week, same routine was coming back.

And so I did. I went to work for three days, just as normal as always, before everything changed for at least temporary period of time. And then on Wednesday I, instead of going back home, I went straight to the airport. Sascha was coming to visit me for 6 days and I was there to pick him up. I came a little too late, but he and his flight was even more, so I settled for a little waiting. It was strange – I mean I haven’t seen him for four months and now I was meeting him again and I just wasn’t sure what to do, how to act, and the waiting was a little weird.

Turns out – it was just as always. We met, he started making fun of me and my country. It was as if we just have been back in Thailand, minus the paradise looking islands and plus some much more chilly temperature. We got to my place, Sascha unpacked and we went for dinner. It was supposed to be a nice fancy place and a nice fancy evening and eventually – it was. We went to Markus ir Ko and I have to say, from what I’ve heard before, it is supposed to be one of the best places for steaks in Lithuania and you know what – I have to agree. It was really great food. Loved it.

I was watching and smiling while Sascha was choosing wine [apparently he knows much more than I do, since my knowledge ends with red/white, dry/sweet], tasting it and everything. And yes, I know, it is a completely normal thing to do this, but for me, simple as I am, it’s a little funny. So anyways, we sat there, enjoyed our steaks and wine and talked about everything that we missed while he was out there and I was in here. We ended the night in the shop, taking another bottle of wine and drinking it back in my place.

The next day I went to work, just as I was supposed to and Sascha was supposed to have some rest and go explore a little of Vilnius. Turns out, I worked just as scheduled, Sascha, on the other hand, only saw my apartment and internet. Well, you all live by your choices, right?

After I got back from work, we went out, took a little walk till my office, met some girls and went to Belmontas, just so Sascha and Dorin, who also came to Lithuania at almost the same time, could taste some of Lithuanian traditional meal. So we went there, had meals and some beers, but of course, it wasn’t enough for anyone, so we got back to Vilnius, went to the Summer terrace, met some old-seen friends, talked a little, had some beers, went to another place, talked a little more. Well, it was fun night, but finally, at the very end, we called it a night and went home. We were supposed to go to Kaunas early in the morning and I was supposed to be driving half of the day, so I was a little stressed out [well, if you ask Sascha, I was not little stressed, I was completely insanely stressed. Whatever].

So the next day we went to Kaunas by train, took my Mom’s car, moved to Nida through the castles along the river. It was nice, but long ride in a car, half of the time I was only driving, and Sascha was sleeping, but I enjoyed it, at least. We got to Nida in the early evening and decided to have an easy night. So what we did, we got the place to stay, went to the shop, bought some food and then Sascha made dinner for us. I have to say it is always an amazing experience to have guy cooking for you. I don’t know, it may be my thing, but I loved it. And I don’t get that often, so I enjoyed every second of it.

The next day we went for a walk in Nida, visited dunes, sea and the city center. It was nice. For the evening, I once again got a guy cooking for me. Man – it’s good. And not only the fact itself – the food was also very good and tasty. I ate at least three times more than I used to on a normal basis. Later that night we just watched a football match [oh yes, I was sooo much into it] and watched a movie. We kind of took it easy in there, no hardcore parties, just sea, sun and sand.

On Sunday we were on our way back, we stopped in Kretinga to meet with Diana, then Kaunas and a little walk around old town in there and then, finally back to my place. It’s been a long week and a long weekend and I was tired.

On Monday it’s been the usual – I had to go to work, Sascha stayed in, cooked and did whatever. In the evening we met some more of my friends, Dorin included at the `beer house`. Once again, one beer turned into many and before I knew it, we headed to Chaplin’s Terrace for one last beer. It was fun, we talked, we laughed, we even played some fuss-ball [is that the name for a table football with little wooden men on wires?].

On Tuesday, once again, starting the very same – I went to work, Sascha went to explore the city. We met later at my place, had dinner, went to InVino for a glass of wine as for the last night. We got back to my place, had some amazingly tasty ice-cream and watched a movie. It was a very short night, since in the middle of it Sascha had to leave. He packed, we went out for his cab, said our goodbyes and I headed back home. I had only maybe two hours of sleep left till I had to wake up and pretend to be an accountant again.

The next days were pretty easy. I worked, went out for a beer or two with my friends, had my last motorbike lesson and now I am just freaking out about the exam, which will happen in almost 12 hours. I really need to pass it and I am just afraid to take it. Well, we’ll see.

It’s a little weird right now. I still have sand in my shoes that I just don’t want to get rid off, since it reminds me of those nice days in there and it feels weird not having someone around, who would cook for me and talk to me till almost the dawn. But I will have to get used to that, I guess.

My life will soon get back to it’s normal dullness.

Off Topic

They say you cannot download some certain things, like a lifestyle, but I have to say – I have a skill of downloading friends. Call me crazy, but I manage to download only high-quality kind of people. They are always there for me, when I need it. And I am never giving up on downloading.

Mix me with sugar – it will hurt less.

I overheard this conversation that makes me smile. It’s so.. I don’t know. Sad? Pathetic? Lack of self-confidence? `Who cares if he is rich or poor? Or handsome or ugly? Has he a hard-on or not – that’s what counts`. Is that really how you are suppose to judge nowadays? I may be still living in 19th century then. But I don’t care. I like my 19th century.

`He wanted her to be happy. But he did not know that happy she wanted to be with him`.

Once again, I brought in on myself. It’s amazing, really, how I manage to turn everything upside down. But in my defense, this time I honestly was planning something completely different. It just turned out to be a mess kind of thing. Damn it, how do I do this? If there was a school for messing up, I would be a highly appreciated guest-star-lecturer for sure.

Dear Santa, I have been a very good girl this year. Could I please get iPhone as my Christmas present in advance? When I think about it, I want it almost just as badly as I once wanted you. Isn’t that just sad? Well, maybe.

Batman’s back. Batman’s changed. Batman is now better known as Eco-Batman. At least something new.

P.S. You don’t have to like me. I am not a facebook status.

Have you ever wanted a kiss so badly, that you were ready for anything? Just one kiss, only one more kiss. And as usual, there is always something that doesn’t give you what you need. And I had a terrible day last day. It’s nothing really, but it was breaking me apart. I felt as if I was drowning. I survived, I swam out of it. And hopefully, I won’t get sucked up again. Just one more kiss.

If you ask me, why it is so hard to trust people, I will ask back – why is it so difficult to keep promises? You didn’t keep it. And I lost it.

Are we there yet?