29 Aug 2010

.Keeping promises. Counting the last drops of time.

Last days here in Copenhagen seems to be a bit chaotic. Setting things straight, taking the last orders and finishing my duties at work, visiting authorities and trying to make the most important thing – keep promises to myself. Promises, I have made out loud, to myself and the ones, that are the most crucial ones for me to keep. Cause when you think about it, how can you let down the person, you have to live with for the rest of your life – yourself?

So anyways, after my last shift in the Dubliner we stayed for the last ‘after shift’ beers, followed by another work next morning. Thursday was my BIG day with promises. So I started with my promise, after passing exam, to burn the book. Stupid, I know, crazy – true again. But no matter how stupid or crazy it is – it’s there and I have to do it. While finding a proper place for the burning process was not easy at all – I ended up in my house inner garden, in a barbeque. But I managed. I saw the flames, so I did it. I burned the book. I just hope I am not going to need it at any point in my life later.

I also promised to myself to go to Tivoli after passing all of my exams. So I did. True story – I expected it to be so much better, but turns out, it was almost just like coming back to Keansburg. Almost the same rides, balloons, froggy, double shot [which one here is a single shot, and they don’t even shoot you up, they just slowly take you up and then throw down]. So I tried most of them. I tried what they call “demon” roller coaster, some sort of copy of Moby Dick, just flipped and, of course, my favorite swings. Those felt amazing. Well, most of the rides actually did. And surprisingly it just brought so many memories from our hot summer in a one-mile place, where, in the beach, if you look good enough, you were able to see the statue of liberty.

Friday I stared the day of ‘lasts’. I had my last shift in my office, where, sadly, I had to say goodbye to all those fantastic people in there, that I had pleasure to work with for more than half a year now. Then, in the evening I went to the BlackSwan – for the last time, John Bull – for the last time. I met some nice people, had some nice conversations, it was great night.

Saturday night was interesting. I started with visiting Calvin, an amazing guy in Dubliner’s kitchen, where he taught me how to make ‘chicken curry’, which tastes just amazing. Then I met the guys from the Dubliner for the last night/last drinks/just last. Of course, being with those guys is a bit risky, because they always want to party all night long, and I still had my Sunday carefully planned. But anyways, they managed to talk me into going to some sort of club, even if only for a short run [which was a good thing]. Interesting conversations, some surprising new information and all the goodbye part made the night a bit strange. Once again, it kinda started get to me – I am actually leaving this country. And who knows, I may never come back.

Sunday was [and still is] a day of packing, packing, packing, watching basketball match that was really a challenge. Now there are still couple of things that needs to be done – bring bike to the airport, go one last time to one place, try to find a printer and save 5 EUR, because airbaltic has this crazy [if you ask me] thing where you have to pay for not on-line check in, take some moments for only myself and say goodbye to my life in Denmark with the bottle of pink champagne on the bridge [don’t ask why alone or why bridge. It’s just the way I felt I needed to do].

It’s almost over. And it feels strange. Can you feel my shivering?

24 Aug 2010

.Final countdown.

It’s been a while. It’s been a hell of stuff happening, though. And now – it’s 5 minutes to being over. A year has passed already. Why is it always so fast at the very end? Copenhagen sky does not stop crying. Is that anything?

I have to say – wasn’t easy to be back from Africa and get separated from all those amazingly nice people. Especially while coming back meant – work, work, study hard, work. And even though working part is not as bad as you may think, the studying part was a complete torture.

Of course, despite anything and realizing how crazy that is, without most people knowing that, I managed to escape all my schedule for couple of days. Just going to Greece. That mysterious place, that I have a thing for. And the same mysterious place, that has a thing for me as well. It’s like a destination, we always know that we will meet again. It’s just something about it.

Anyways, the plan was pretty simple and pretty perfect. All the best intentions, all the best timing of all. Turns out – it was a complete mess. Can’t really call that disaster, I made the best of it, but what was planned turned out to be just a big piece of ****, all of the feelings inside my head or heart or anywhere in my body flipped over several times. Feeling like crying, then feeling like smiling, then hysterical laugh and all the rest – I did not even know how to feel and what is the best to behave.

In short – it was a mistake. A mistake, which I won’t regret, not my style, besides there were some pretty damn perfect moments in there, but then again, some of them were not absolutely perfect and only because I had to make another mistake, due to the fact, that the first one has been made.

So, you learn not to trust people the hard way. The positive side – you REALLY learn it. The negative side – for the short term only. But then again, given mistakes are my experience. I will still keep on thinking, that it is better to trust people and get hurt, than not trust anyone and live alone.

But anyways, there were some nice moments in there. Meeting Harry, Nikolas and Alex was really something. They reminded me I still have capability of smiling sincerely, which I needed at that time more than ever. Meeting Harry and Nikolas, after three years and yet again, it’s amazing, how nothing seems to be changed during those years – all the talking, and time together, bringing back some memories or just sharing the details from existing lives of ours – it’s been the best treatment of all. And even though I wanted to cry after telling goodbye to all of them [without real knowledge of when I am going to meet them again] I can still remember my time in there as one of the best moments. Crazy enough, I am missing being called bastard so much now. Again.

And yes, of course, I was used for Greece to be a paradise at first, then turning to being hell. This time – no exceptions. Mixed feelings, doubts, long thinking and considerations did not make it work. Or maybe the timing was too short. Either way – I felt just like those other times in there – completely confused and distracted. It is getting better, I have to admit, but when you think about it – can you really be over?

When I got back to Denmark I knew it’s gonna be the worst timing of all. A lot of shifts in the bar, a lot of stuff to do at the office, plus exam in one week that was freaking me out almost till madness. For the several moments I thought “I can’t make it. It’s over. Let’s just quit”. But then again, I did not want to be a quitter, so decided to go all the way. What can I say – I managed. I passed my exam. Not enough I passed it, I got a second best grade and since my goal was just to pass – that is a huge win. That felt good. I was so excited I almost forgot I promised to burn the book and the notes of that subject once I actually pass it.

After that, everything seemed to get back to order. Someone either gave me a lot of positive points to my karma, or someone just decided to award me for something – I got my papers for my exchange place, applied and got multi-entry visa for a year, already have a reserved place to stay there and even start keeping in contact with another girl, who is also going to study to the same school. So now I can be almost calm – I am going to Thailand. And I am going to be accepted for the university in there. So I am not going to loose half a year and hopefully I manage to graduate already next year. Well, too soon to talk about that, though. We’ll see.

So now, I have a complete 6 days to finish my business with Denmark. Last shift in the Dubliner tonight, last shift in the office on Friday, million of authorities to visit and things to do in between, packing, meeting people for the last time on the weekend and on early Monday morning – goodbye Copenhagen.

The crazy thing is, the understanding, that it is going to be hard to leave, is coming back louder and louder. Once again, not the place itself, but the people in the place. I already know I’m gonna miss them so much and it’s gonna be a pity not to have them around. The good part is – most of them are moving too, so it’s not like I’m the only one to move out, but then again, no matter which part of the world they are in – I will still going to miss them.

Today, today I can celebrate one year of myself living in Copenhagen. The time just flies. It’s the first place outside my own country, where I lived for so long. And I am going to miss it, damn, that’s weird. The only reason that helps me not to get obsessed with these thoughts are new adventures, which I definitely hope I will manage to make the best of them.

The time is ticking out. And I’m just trying to love you. In any kind of way.