15 Dec 2013

°Can you love me again?°

In the past 45 days, sadly enough, not much different happened. I start to feel like I am trapped in my own weird net and cannot get out. Cannot or will not – I have not decided which one is the real one. Probably the second one, since, as we all know, everything is possible. Not that we always try hard enough for that.

I can sum up those past days in a few events: Imagine dragons concert, Thanks giving dinner [preparation and participation], Placebo concert, planning my first so far [hopefully] trip to the Middle East, visit from a friend, climbing the tower of the Christianhavn church, crossing a few names from my friends list, working and pretending to be trying to work on my thesis.

Did I forget something?

I finally got an answer from my old crashed hdd. No pictures. No more pictures to remind me of all those things I have done and felt very, very much alive. I managed to gather some of the pictures from my friends, who responded to my messages in almost no time. Made me smile and feel happy. It’s a good feeling when you realize that you still actually have friends. Who will help you in bad and good. Who will hold your hand when all you want is to run away.

Not all of them of course. Some of them will just ditch you in the middle of the night in a overcrowded pub with some stranger you just met, right after they tell you that you really have to come and that’s what friends do.

One chance. You always get only one chance to f**k it up. Well, some people already used theirs. How are you holding on?

I learned my lesson once again – don’t get too attached, don’t get too close, don’t get too involved.

Christmas is coming and I don’t feel it. Yes, true, I decided to cancel Christmas this year, pack a back-pack and go on the road. Just like that. Just me and Steffany [if she promises not to pack too many high-heels]. But there is still no snow [here, paradoxically there is snow in the place where I am going, even though it usually does not snow there], so there is still no Christmas. And not even Christmas spirit.

Does that mean I am getting old?

Off Topic

Still got it. Still doing it. Still.

17 Nov 2013

°Up in the air°

I've been up in the air
Out of my head
Stuck in a moment of emotion
I destroyed
Is this the end I feel?
Up in the air
Fucked up on life
All of the laws I've broken
Loves that I've sacrificed
Is this the end?
I'll wrap my hands around your neck
So tight with love, love
A thousand times I tempted fate
A thousand times I played this game
A thousand times that I have said
Today, today, today
I've been up in the air
Lost in the night
I wouldn't trade an eye for your lies
Your lust for my life
Is this the end?
You were the love of my life
Darkness the light
This is a portrait of a tortured you and I
Is this the
Is this the
Is this the end?
I'll wrap my hands around your neck
So tight with love, love, love
A thousand times I tempted fate
A thousand times I played this game
A thousand times that I have said
Today, today, today
A thousand times I tempted fate
A thousand times I played this game
A thousand times that I have said
Today, today, today
I've been up in the air
Is this the end I feel?
Up in the air
Chasing a dream so real
I've been up in the air
(I'll wrap my hands around your neck, neck)
Is this the end I feel?
Up in the air
Chasing a dream
Chasing a dream
Take no more
Take no more
Take no more
I'll take no more
A thousand times I tempted fate
(I'll take no more)
A thousand times I played this game
(I'll take no more)
A thousand times that I have said
(I'll take no more)
Today, today, today
Today, today, today, today
(I'll wrap my hands around your neck, neck with love, love)
Today, today, today, today
(I'll wrap my hands around your neck, neck with love, love)
I'll wrap my hands around your neck
Neck, neck, neck, neck, neck, neck, neck
I'll wrap my hands around your neck
So tight with love, love
I've been up in the air
Out of my head
Stuck in a moment of emotion
I destroyed
Is this the end I feel?
Up in the air
Fucked up on life
I can remember your surrender
cut like a knife.
Is this the end?
I'll wrap my hands around your neck so tight with love, love.
A thousand times that I've been wrong.
A thousand times I've sung this song.
A thousand times that I have said today, today, today.

P.S. All the rest I will keep to myself. For now. Maybe pack in that box under my bed. Since, by the look of it, I may never need it for what was planned. Up in the air.

27 Oct 2013

°Rainbow Rebellion°

After a long and tiring few weeks and after 50+ working week I am finally on my rest day. It just happens to be Sunday, a.k.a. everybody's rest day.

And after a long break I went out. Just out. Just for a walk and be with myself, my thoughts and my fears. Lets face it, I was a little afraid of just being with myself for quite a while now.

And while Hurts and 30 seconds to Mars were screaming in my ears and rain was mixing on my face, my thoughts were floating louder than I could have expected.

Some things are just not easy to admit even if they are right there, in front of you and you already know all of the answers, because the last time you entered that casino at the end of the world, you bet all you had. Bet and lost. Therefore this time you enter with your pockets empty. Wonder how long till they realise and kick me out of it.

There's nothing left to say. 
One more promise to keep [if] and then nothing.

Why is it always, that people only realise everything when it's already too late?
It's never one day to the full moon. It's always one day after. 
And after it never enough. Never good enough.

I suddenly felt so lonely. I am alone most of the time and that never bothers me. But I don't like feeling lonely. I need you to hold my hand. Even if you're too far away.

I will be okay though. Feeling lonely is the last phase. After this, it's only rocky beginnings, but with faith to reach the summit.
Just like you did. Conquered the peak and defeated your fears. 
Absolutely proud of you.
Hopefully of myself soon too.

P.S. Just 8 more days and I will be singing it out loud. Together. World, you are not going to take this from, right? Please don't.

Who knows how long I've been awake now
The shadows on my wall don't sleep
They keep calling me
Who knows what's right; the lines keep getting thinner
My age has never made me wise
But I keep pushing on and on and on and on
There's nothing left to say now

Off Topic

Last day of Tivoli is also proving me wrong. Again.
All I wanted was the swings. And to be an exception.

6 Oct 2013

°The Countdown has begun°

…Lately, I've been, I've been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be

And there I lost it. Not that I didn’t know or didn’t fear. Stings still, you know?

Except for my possible ear infection, meeting Simona at the airport after her USA experience and my own drama – nothing really happened here. I still have my one and only job, not exactly looking for a second one, not just yet at least and my school.. Well, it’s on the list but not going that much forward as I would expect.

I even got an e-mail from my school reminding me to graduate before 2014 August. Which is something. I still got some time. I hope I will manage it before that deadline though. I’m so unmotivated to keep on going. But I have to, right? You’d tell me.

All I wanted was to be an exception. Turns out, just like most of us, I am just a rule.
It’s me and Steffany against the world again. Pack your high-heels, girl, we’re hitting the road again.

Once she told me `He was my dream. And before I knew it, he dragged me to the nightmare`. And I guess she was right: for the broken hearts – broken promises.

…I see this life like a swinging vine
Swing my heart across the line
In my face is flashing signs
Seek it out and you shall find

On the brighter note – I am canceling Christmas [and New Years for that matter] this year again. I managed to surprise myself with this one, since I was honestly just looking for something in Europe – Maybe Madrid or Malta or something else I haven’t been yet. And there it came – boom boom tabadaba boom – cheap tickets to the country I have always wanted to visit, but never had a chance/guts/whatever for it. I had to make up my mind, since this means no Christmas, but since my mom said she will be alright, I just pressed that big red button. I’m flying to Tel Aviv. Israel, baby! Finally, before I die and before it dries, I will get a chance to touch the Dead Sea. I will get to that Wailing Wall myself and put there my wails.

Maybe that will wash away some of the pain and give me a good kick-start.

…Lately, I've been, I've been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I've been, I've been playing hard

Off Topic

What is it with me and married men?
It’s not a rhetorical question. I need some answers. And I need them now.
`Why haven’t I met you 6 years ago?` - Does that sound like a compliment or an insult [not exactly to me, but to her] from a married man with a little baby?

Sure, those are just words, one might say. Still burning and stinging isn’t it?

16 Sep 2013

°Summerly truffles a/o cabinet jacket°

Tick-tack tick-tack.

It's a little ironic, isn't it? And yet again, I am still there. Because I am a man of my own word.
Why do I do this here and not with my thesis paper? I need to be a man of my own word when it comes to finishing, graduating and making a final, so necessary change.

And yet.

Nevermind. The clock is not to be stopped at 3.07 a.m.

It's been a bit of a roller coaster. While I finished everything I thought I needed to do and got ready to sleep enough and then go to school to try and keep me at the studying level I got a call from my mom. And just like that, I rushed into all of the websites I knew, bought the tickets that were only 9 hours away and made myself on the way back home. To Lithuania.

It's been a simple must. I lost the very last grandparent I had. Also the one I knew best. Circle of life. Nothing to add I guess.

On my way back I was reading one of my books [won't be able to remember the name even if you asked] and it brought me some understanding of life. I know, you cannot take fiction seriously, but this one somehow I could have related. It hit me like with the rock, I have to say. It was hard to realize and at the same time a relief.

We all knew this is what is going to happen. Why did it take so much time for me?
And this time I cannot blame you or you. You did try to warn me.

And while back, it's been another kind of a roller coaster. I worked whole Thursday and in the evening when to see [or better scream] The Conjuring. On Friday I met a long seen friend and as always the night grew to be long. On Sunday I had a little flashback from home - we went to watch basketball in a bar where only Lithuanians gather [since the game was in Lithuanian]. So after that the 5 of us continued the night and ended having a very pleasant after basketball victory time.

It was a good weekend.

And now there is that tick tack thing going on.
And I am making a change. Whatever it takes, this time there is no way back.
Except for... Oh well, I still believe it's worth it.
We'll just have to wait and see your reaction.

Off Topic
Have you ever thought why in every wrist watch commercial the arrows point to 10 and 2? As in: 10:10?
I looked through the whole catalog of duty free in my plane and they all had that.
You'd think someone would have figured it out by now..

This only proves that I am the winner. Not that there was any competition. But between the two of us.. anything that would be a competition would not be exactly fair.
Somehow that makes me feel good.
I won.

4 Sep 2013

°I give my first love to you°

“My love life has a time limit. Let me rephrase that. Our love life has a time limit.”

I freakin loved that movie.

“My love had a time limit, but it lasted a lifetime.”

Do you know what it does to me? You probably don’t. Not that I can blame you.
The finish line is here. We are almost there. Just somebody whispers me, no one wants to participate in the race anymore.

Life has been as usual.

Except for the waiting.


And there came that sting. I know it stings mutually. Still does not make it any better.

****ed up timing you say. And I want to agree, because that would mean it’s not my fault.
I don’t know what to think anymore.


Tomorrow is the new day. And I better kick my own **s good and motivating.
I need my escape.

I'm gonna run away with you
Gonna run away into your eyes blue
I'm gonna run away with you
I'm gonna run away-into your eyes blue

P.S. Admit it, now you are wondering who could have had blue eyes. No, it’s not me. I am still starving for the green ones. Sadly, all of the songs are made for the blue ones. Except that one. Yeah, that was a good song.

29 Aug 2013

°Before Midnight°

It's an interesting phase I am trying to live through, I have to say.

And with every day it is getting harder and harder. I am starting to feel like one of those people, you know, depressed ones. Not the `oh my god, I am so depressed, because my parents bought me white iphone instead of black`, but more like `I want nothing, I want just to stay in bed and wait for the day to pass`.

How did I get myself into this all? Or maybe the better question is - why?
And you have the answers. Although you would not share. Like that fatty boy in a kindergarten, who was always trying to get a hold of all of the toys.

I had a very intense walk down the memory lane the other day. Cannot explain exactly why, just remembered it. Little pieces of the puzzle that do not answer anything and provide little, but still a smile.

We could have been happy.
I could have made you happy.
You are now thinking the exact same thing.

But the up-to-date life is different. After all of the thinking and deciding and over-thinking I quit The Dubliner. Just like that, one day I came, told them I am not going to be coming back in, finished my scheduled shifts, had one last shot with the staff, one last beer as a staff and it was over.

Staff will be missed. Especially a few, for some reason, very special people.

Soon after that I've got an interview in another place, probably/maybe got the job, waiting for the contract to be signed. Still in a waiting mode.

I got the results from my doctor. Promising results, I guess, even though there are slight changes and if scenario `all goes well` doesn't take place, it could be the very beginning of the pre-cancerous cells formation. Not that I am much worried. Just... confused.

And I went to see `Before Midnight`. By myself in an almost empty theater, once again enjoying the story, that's been going on for 20 years and I have been following for the last few. It seems so real and so down to earth. No pink elephants, no unrealistic faces or actions. Just real people and real conversations.

Something that makes me feel like I am starting to believe in Love again.

Off Topic

Tomorrow will be three weeks and one day left.
The naive part of me still has some faith, while the rational one tells me to pack the bags. Take the Romeo by his hand and run for the stars. Shooting stars. With AK-47.  

21 Aug 2013

°Before sunrise°

I decided to watch both before sunrise and before sunset movies. Before I go and watch before midnight by myself in an empty theater.

Never thought it would bring such sentiments.

It reminded me of you. Of you, and the things that you do. Did, to be exact. Especially that emptiness mixed with good memories at the moment of the separation.

To think we almost made it to the movie. And yet we crashed right before the release.

Would you have let me go if you knew the outcome?

So many thoughts, followed by one simple, yet unanswered question.
Do you even have the answer?

Daydream delusion, limousine eyelash / Oh baby with your pretty face / Drop a tear in my wineglass / Look at those big eyes / See what you mean to me / Sweet-cakes and milkshakes / I'm a delusion angel / I'm a fantasy parade / I want you to know what I think / Don't want you to guess anymore / You have no idea where I came from / We have no idea where we're going / Lodged in life / Like branches in a river/ Flowing downstream / Caught in the current / I carry you / You'll carry me / That's how it could be / Don't you know me? / Don't you know me by now?

18 Aug 2013

°30 seconds to Mars°

Where did you go?.. Where did you go?..
Crash. Crash.

They say that in order to tidy your mind, you need to tidy your room. And that is what I did.
I have been contemplating a few things recently, some of them started being too hard to juggle and I needed.. something. A break, a change, a runaway. Something. I needed to take something off my hands or I would have cracked. And a break did not help.

If anything, it made it worse.

And so I did. A few thoughts have been stirring in my head for the last few weeks, not surprisingly jumping from one conclusion to another without a strong sense of what I could make the best of it. So I went for the tidying my room. To those who know me at least a little knows - this is a pain in soft spot. Yet, if I did it, it must have been the edge.

Oh, living on the edge.. Remember?
[No, not you]

I made a decision. Two, to be exact. I will keep my promise. And I will cut the cords. Done.

If walking a bit on a memory lane, just before I went to Paris for my mom's almost-surprise-birthday-advance-gift, I went to the concert. Roger Waters - The Wall. You know me, I am not old enough to be Pink Floyd kid, I never especially liked them as per say. I knew a few songs, I liked the way they sounded, but it was never `oh my God, to die for`. Yet, the concert was surprising. The show itself, the decorations, the actual wall that they built on the stage and the sounds were incredible. Time flew fastly fast and I did not get bored or tired. I actually enjoyed the whole thing.

Of course my enjoyment is not even a comparison with a person's whom I went to the concert with.

And after that I went to Paris. Just for a few days, just for my mom. I figured a few months ago that it's either now or never. And I don't want to get to the never part. So I settled for now. It's been three very busy days and one little easy one. Much walking, many sights, many things to see or to take picture of. My mom's been very excited and happy. So I guess you could call it a perfect trip.

There is nothing you would not do for your family.
It was a good idea.

Off Topic

I still remember you sometimes. No, not in that way. The way I see it now - it was a mistake. My mistake. Maybe yours. You let me believe and I believed. Such a pathetic fools we were. Are you still?

21 Jul 2013

°Creation and distortion°

One more month. How much can happen in one month?

Not much in here. Let me sink in to it a little.

I went back to Lithuania. Oh yes, those 6, almost 7 days we quite busy and exciting. One of my good friends was getting married and that was the main reason for me to come back. We spent the night in the boat and on the seaside, then one more day just chilling Nida.

Other than that I was on a low profile. Just staying at home, visiting some family, spending some time with my mom, cooking and trying to find my own sense and my own calmness.

Once back I was trying to get back on my old track and it was not going the best way. I had friend visiting and another one coming back after a long time and we had a few days in the park, enjoying the warm and rare Danish sun.

Then just school, work, some dirty book reading, then some school, work and some so far still unanswered questions.

And so there is nothing much else to say.

A little boring isn’t it? No need to agree. Or disagree. I know the absence of excitement when I see it.

21 Jun 2013

°Lost pink cube in the dessert°

It’s been a tough month when I honestly can say, from the depths of my heart – I have no idea how I have been. Lost and confused would probably explain it the best. It’s been a roller coaster ride, I have to say. Did I mention I am still on it?

One month.

In the whole time I managed to keep on forcing myself going to school. Remember that thing, the thesis thing I came for back to Copenhagen originally? Well, I have been working on it. I really have. Sadly I am stuck now and don’t know which direction or how to move from here. And I’m trying, I really am, but just don’t want to take a wrong turn and then have all this time wasted for nothing. Taking a wrong turn only works sometimes and mostly only literally, while hiking.

It took me some time and lots of courage, but I managed to press `send` when wrote an e-mail to my professor asking for his help. It’s been ages since the last time we spoke and I can only hope he is still willing to be my supervisor. So now I wait. I am just sitting here, waiting for him to respond positively and giving me some feedback, so I could try and dig myself out of this. So far – nothing. But I am optimistic. It has to work, one way or the other. And now I start to want to finish and leave as soon as possible. It’s getting too hard to stay.

Questions and questions. No answers. Okay, that’s not true. Answers exists, but not the ones anyone would like to hear. How much more can one person survive?

Besides going crazy, losing it and collecting it again, I had one affair with Amsterdam. Only for days, but I needed that time like crazy.

It started innocently enough, over a cup of tea on a Christmassy night back in Lithuania, where me and my friend decided that we are still young and still crazy and if we need to see Muse, then we need to see Muse. We got the tickets. I booked my flights and on the 2nd of June I got on the plane. One short flight later I was met by Rick at the airport and this time with no troubles with trains, we got to his place. It was not that late of an evening, but we decided it’s best if we stayed in. Dinner, beers and chilly but very nice night in the balcony with endless conversations was a very good beginning for my stay.

The next day we walked through the red light district [my third time in Amsterdam, but first time to see THE girls], a little around the center and I was left at the photography exhibition. After I was done admiring pictures, I met up my friend, we went to this Belgium beer place and had our as always exciting conversation. Later on Rick joined and Nadia together with her boyfriend and cousin. It was so much fun! We talked, we laughed, I had different kind of beers. It was nice to see how those people, who mostly have not seen each other before, can get along so great. At the end of the night we hugged goodbyes and went home.

On the big THE MUSE, BABY day I was walking in the center by myself, just admiring those small canals and being with myself and by book [`We need to talk about Kevin`. Good stuff]. At the agreed time I went to pick up my friend and there we went – to the huge Amsterdam ArenA and waited for the concert.

It was… I am not kidding… To die for. It was totally worth buying the expensive tickets, flying to Amsterdam and taking time off work and anything else I could have done in the mean time. The concert was amazing, they really give it 100 percent. All the monitors, changing colours, videos, actors, songs and sounds… Oh the sounds. Really – you had to be there if you wanted to understand what it is. From all I have seen [and I have seen a few], this was the best concert. Maybe it had to do something with the fact that I was with a good friend there or the fact that I could sing along to most of the songs, but even if not that – the show was amazing. I’m so happy I got to see them.

The next, really sunny and nice day, I spent in the center, most of the time just chilling and reading my book in the park. In the afternoon I met this girl that we kept bumping into each other in South America and we had a very lovely time. We stayed in the park till late, enjoying sun and prosecco, then went to have a delicious big burger and then made a little after party at her place. In the end, I had another little `after party` with Rick in his balcony again, but since it was the last night we had to talk about all those things we wanted to talk, I figured, as long as I’m on vacation, I can do this.

And lastly, on my last day, feeling a little sick, I just went to see Inga for the last time on her lunch break and packing, buying some hagelslag [whatever you call those small pieces of chocolate you put on sandwiches] and taking tram, then train, getting on the plane and getting back to the real life.

Questions, questions, questions.

After I got back, one day my friend was visiting for a little bit, so we had a beer in Nyhavn and catching up. Another night, I met my friend for a quick catching up and ended up in the center till the morning. On the bright side, we had a good talk, he showed me a very nice Belgium beer place [for the days or nights when I terribly miss rodenbach].

All the rest is all the same. I finished `we need to talk about Kevin`, started on what people call `dirty book` [I feel like Rachel from `Friends when Joey was telling her `You’ve got porn`], `Fifty shades of grey`. I am still going to school even though now it’s just mainly to I could get and answer from my professor and getting slowly ready for my trip back home. Hopefully getting my pictures from my old HDD, getting my teeth checked, my hair cut, meeting my friends and participating in the wedding, hopefully getting to cook something tasty with my mom and look at that – one third of the summer will be long gone by then.

Off Topic

I don’t know what to say anymore. It’s like I’m fighting with my own demons in addition to helping you to fight with yours and in the end – it’s all my fault.

I’m losing it.

In the cases like this one – I hate being right. And yet again, I am.

There’s nothing left to say now. Imagine dragons shout in my ears. At least in November they are going to shout in my ears literally.

Oh, have I not mentioned that? I’m going. And for a brief moment there, I thought you would be joining. I guess I just can’t catch a break.

If a girl with a dragon tattoo couldn’t handle it, how do you expect me to?

21 May 2013

°Trivial splinter°

Today is 5 years since.. Nevermind. It’s just a hard day to be only on my own. And yet again, you just cannot make it.

It’s weird feeling inside me right now. I cannot say I did not see that coming, but I was just hoping from all of the people you would not be the one, who would consider someone else so insignificant.

Oh well. One more time, the mistake has been made and the understanding has finally reached me.

I guess it’s an achievement.

Whatever happens next, I don’t think it will make it any better. I am however, ready to hear it. Just for the sake of.. I can’t even think of anything. Maybe that is the sign.

Now I just need answers to the questions that has been asked, but never heard. Or never cared to be heard.

Why is that still bothering me?

Five years. And I still miss those special moments that we had. Never ever going to happen. I knew it for five years now and it still brings me to tears.

I want a colour blind dream. And a koala hug.

14 May 2013

°Purple screams on the checked hills°

I need a break from life. All jokes aside, I need a break. And yes, I know you may think I am not doing much, but in order to understand, you have to be inside my head. Unfortunately you need a special kind of pass for that. and I don’t know who or where issue them.

Life has been boring for the last few weeks. Boring, if you consider working and reading and trying to understand all those mathematical models boring. Because I do. Work is one thing – at least you understand 100% of what is happening there, even if it drives you crazy. But all those papers.. I am not built for writing papers, even less to write damn master thesis.

Remind me, why did I sign up for this again?

Oh yes, Thailand. My one and only reason. Yet, now I have to finish. And even though I am probably considered an Elite failure, I don’t want to be a quitter. Therefore – I shall push myself to limits so I could finally finish it. Or.. go crazy. Both are equally possible. Do I need to write an equation and provide with a proof?

And I think I could maybe handle that. You know, not brilliantly, but at least at a decent level, if not for my head. I quit so many dramas, yet again, good night sleep has not returned and weird dreams for the moments when I manage to fall asleep are not helping. Where are you, when I need you to hold my hand? Why you no come back? No, not you, I had enough of you.

I realized this one little crazy thing. Even though I tried to convince myself before, now it really got to me – it is true. I never screwed it up. You did. That’s a good feeling, isn’t it? To me, not to you, of course.

Let the kite fly.

I’m done. I’m done thinking. I’m done analyzing [sadly not the math]. I’m done caring and questioning. I think I reached the bottom. Now my goal is to dig myself out. Back to hell or back to the reality – still have not decided that.

Off Topic

I see no need to take me home 
I'm old enough to face the dawn

27 Apr 2013

°Revealing the sweet chili trick°

It seemed that I only just got back from Geneva and from the airport, when I found myself in the same Kaastrup airport only two days later. Yes ladies and gentlemen, the famous staff trip, better known as: drink as much as you can, act as stupid as you can imagine, do plenty of crazy things at the same time and regret everything the next day was about to be happening. Even though a lot of people were guessing right and it wasn’t that big of a surprise anymore – once at the airport we got the message – we are going to Berlin.

Started at the airport in an Irish pub with a few beers we got to the plane and soon enough got off in the capital of Germany. One kind of short train ride away we got to the city center where we had booked hotel and checked ourselves in. Of course before and after the check-in procedure there were beers. Once all of us had their time to get into the room and leave the packed goods we went for dinner. While food took forever to be prepared, we had a few drinks and a few talks. Once everyone was happily eaten, slightly tipsy, happy and excited, we moved towards the real partying.

Now here I may disappoint you by telling you that I went straight to the hotel after dinner. So I did not participate in heavy drinking, visiting strip clubs, night clubs and partying till 6 o’clock in the morning. I fell asleep almost as soon as my head touched the pillow. And to be completely fair – I did want to party, that was the point of the trip. But I do not regret I went to sleep. My insomnia was killing me and I definitely needed some sleep. Besides from the stories I heard [and no, I am not telling them out loud] – I am kind of happy I wasn’t around. It would have been fun to watch, of course, but maybe I am too old for this already. It’s just not my scene. Maybe it never was.

So anyways, I woke up in the morning kind of fresh and ready to explore the city. Not my first time, but the sun was shining, perfect weather and the city is nice. We started the 4 of us. We went to the East side gallery and walked along all those paintings. Funny how I managed to take pictures of almost the same was as I did almost 3 years [or was it 2?] ago.

After that, two of my companions went back to the hotel and it was just the two of us, exploring the city. So we started with the famous gate [I guess I will die without managing to remember it’s name], Reich building, holocaust monument, which for some reason I really enjoy a lot. 

We went down to the Charlie’s check point, found a few interesting things on our way back to the park. We even got on top of the Angel and saw the city from up there. Very long walk it was, but we managed to see almost all and we even caught up with all the rest of our group at the train station.

Once back in the city I had a pleasure of working, so all tired I headed straight there and it was a busy night with a lot of mean people and since my patience was low, it was a bit difficult night.

But we survived it. I mean, we did not exactly have a choice, did we?

After that it was just work and school. School and work. I am still trying to make my school to make me a letter containing of 2 sentences, but apparently it’s too much to ask. It’s never going to get easier, is it?

Off Topic

Unbelievable. I don’t know if that was just a coincidence, or a real reason, but finally my heart caught up with my head. I cannot believe it actually took so long but it seems like at last sun managed to get through those clouds and shine a little.

Such a pathetic fool you are. You and me, we both are, sister.  

Tick-tock-tick-tock. Don’t forget to check the time.

I have decided to allow myself one last mistake. Or maybe lesson. Memory? Whatever we call it, I have decided, I deserve this. And no one is going to take that away from me.

P.S. After the whole day of trying to understand ONE article with only ONE model, I remembered what it feels like to be Elite again. Never ever in my life have I felt so stupid. Maybe I will never learn. Or will I?

It struck me today. It could have easily been us, you know? And now we'll never know.

Happiness. Such a weird sense of humour that chick's got.

16 Apr 2013

°Collapsing determination°

It’s mid April already and I am not even a little closer to being wiser than that I was two full weeks ago. It would be funny if it wasn’t only sad.

I am in the urgent need of a big change. The clock is ticking and the Madness is knocking on the door. Talking about Madness – it’s only 1.5 months left till the actual Madness is going to reach my ears. That is going to be legendary [no, not a Barney’s kind of legen…wait for it…dary].

Except for working and in a weird way getting involved in a foreign drama, not much else was brought by a second month of Spring. Well, snow as well. It’s all gone, of course now, but still it was snowing. In Copenhagen, in mid April. You do remember what that means right? You still do love me after all.

I finished my thesis related book that I have been reading, I finished another book I have just been reading, shopped on-line, shopped some more. I have been…. being.

Anyways, the exciting things started happening last week. After making a surprise appearance for a friend after the holidays with the favourite beer I had not so much more time, but back my own bag and go for my own small vacation. I caught a flight on Friday and found myself on the way to Geneva, Switzerland.

It was perfect. Nothing to be added, nothing to be taken out. Simply perfect. Well, maybe I would have preferred it to be longer, but on the other hand, I was a guest, and we all know they start stinking after 3 days, just like a fish.

Anyways, I got there on time, my friend picked me up from the airport and we got back to their place through the rain and the streets of Geneva. A little walk around the city, that big lake and huge fountain which you sometimes can see in the movies and we ended up in this cozy hippie sort of looking place for fondue. White wine, cheese fondue with great fresh bread and two great friends I haven’t seen since Christmas and even then only for like 30 minutes It was a great night. We were having a lot of fun there, then walked a little around night Geneva, went back to their home, had a little champagne [yeah, fancy time with fancy people] and finally hit the pillows.

The next day was a really productive one. One of my friends had to work a little so we made a little round around Geneva. Let me see if I can recall all we have seen..

We started with United nations building and that big famous chair as a sculpture.

We moved down the road from it to Botanic garden and then the garden of United nations [I think]. We found violets on a way, sun all the way, a few cactus and other exotic plants. We sat in a little cozy coffee place for a little beer and a little break. We took a bus-boat and got to the other side of the lake. We walked along the lake, enjoyed the sun and perfect weather. We got closed to the fountain, ran under it [I was told it’s a must do thing before you can tell you have been to Geneva]. We got very wet, our jeans were soaked and our hair looked a little like just after shower.

A little walk around the other sides of the city, chess game and we got back home.

After a little break my friends took their car and we went for a hill [no name, I forgot it the minute I was told]. It’s already in France, but as long as you live in Geneva, you go there a lot. It’s a little higher then all the rest around, so you get to see all the nice panoramic view of the other smaller mountains on the other side of Geneva, the city itself. It was great, we went up, we went for a walk, we took some pictures.

We finished the day with two hours of relaxation in some Spa/pool kind of a thing. After the whole thing we got back to the city, my friends took out the home-friendly grill and we had a wonderful dinner with even more wonderful wine and the most wonderful friends you could ever get. We finished the night with watching `The planet earth` BBC TV series [very highly recommended by the way, I am already planning on getting and watching it myself], one of the episodes.

The next morning we had an early wake up. The plan was to get me to the Mont Blanc [If I am not mistaken that is the second tallest mountain in Europe] and since it’s a little further away from Geneva, we had to get there early. And before that we had to go and get some fancy seafood breakfast, once again, in France [but only 10 kilometers away]. It was a little cozy weekend market there, where you buy very [and I mean] very fresh thing and then you just eat it outside at the little table next to a river. It’s like to die for breakfast place. And breakfast, for that matter.

Once we got to Chamonix [at least one name of the town I remember] we went to some place which, according to my friends, have the best croissants in the whole world [they are really good] and then went for a cable car to get up. You don’t get all the way to those 48.. something meters, but you get as high as 3846 [I think]. More or less at least, anyways. What is up there is: snow, lots of snow, lots of tourists and people to see the big mountain. It was a really perfect day for such an adventure, since there was a total of zero clouds in the sky, sun in full shining. On top of that it wasn’t even too cold. So we spent some time up there, taking pictures, watching the mountains, endless Alps. They opened a little alpinism museum there, where you can see those videos of people climbing rocks and doing some extreme things up in the mountains. I have to say, those things made my feet itchy. It’s like adrenalin fills your veins and you want that excitement, but on the other hand it’s so scary that it’s almost breath taking.

At the end we got down, walked a little in that little skiing town and head back to the city. For a fancy Sunday dinner we had Ratatouille, then one last walk around night Geneva and afterwards we went to sleep. My friends had to be working the next day and I already had to get back to Copenhagen.

So in the morning after I packed again and my friends left for work, I had my last walk around the city, went to the huge chocolate shop and bought myself some sweet brown lovely reward for being so awesome, got to the airport and had to get to the airplane and back `home`.

And back home it’s all the usual – ups and downs and a little chaos. Can’t say I missed that. No one else to blame, just me, I’m afraid. 

31 Mar 2013

°Take me higher°

It’s Easter and I’m spending it in bed. Alone. I don’t even have eggs [coloured ones or just regular] in the house. I am not going to lie – I do feel lonely a bit. No friends, no family, no mild or serious affairs. Nothing, just a plain nothing. And I am in the middle of it. I don’t feel particularly bad. Just as someone who is slightly depressed, I guess. I don’t even want to get out of bed or do something. I just want to stay there, wait while my thesis are magically gonna be done without me lifting a finger and then go, go away. For who knows how long and who knows where. To experience who knows what and meet who knows who.

You could say I am not in the best mood at the moment.

Nothing else is changing here. I cured myself, thanks to tones of ginger/lemon/honey tea and lots of time in bed. I worked the other days, so not so much time for anything else. Sadly enough – it’s the same plan for the next few weeks. With a little exception of Geneva trip and maybe another little trip to a non known location yet.

I’m trying to get myself to reading but it’s just isn’t happening. I just don’t want to. I know I have to, but motivation has taken negative speed. It just ain’t going anywhere, like a stubborn three year old.

I forced myself to shop and later on, who knows, maybe I will make myself to respond to some e-mails that are long due. I just have no mood for it. And I am not sure where to get extra.

Moving in two months. A little scared, but it cannot be worse, definitely. So, maybe it’s for the best.

And that? I don’t know. One day I wake up and it’s alright. Another time I wake up and it’s tearing me apart. I want to believe and I believe. But living with it is just not easy. Sometimes too difficult to handle. I’m about to crack really. What kind of a stupid thing I will do this time?

I got my perfect love back. And now I feel safer somehow. Just like with the dipper constellation. Calms me down.

I want to say no more. But I don’t want to lie. And that does not even convince myself. 

26 Mar 2013

°Leprechaunian routine°

Seem s like only yesterday we entered the official spring. Now, when I look at the calendar it tells me that almost one third of the spring is over. Sun is shining outside my window, kind of agreeing with it. Snow and ice on the roads, however just whisper `spring? What spring? I thought when it’s cold we call it winter`.

And I got sick. As much as I DO NOT enjoy being sick, this one really got me. I blame Denmark. I mean, what else is there to blame? I do get sick, occasionally, of course. But it’s always different kind of sickness. Not this stupid cold/fewer thing. It started with cold sore, followed by total weakness and sore throat. Then – temperature and more throat thing. Then almost collapsing at work where they finally kicked me out of. I think I am getting better now. I mean, temperature seems to have left me, coughing starts sounding a little better and I don’t feel like I want to just die. All this I only can say big thanks to my truly great friend – ginger+lemon+honey tea. I’m a little afraid I will soon be sick even thinking about this combination, but so far – I don’t think. I just take it. And it takes care of me. That’s the agreement at least.

In general it’s been a little busy month, but then again, mostly in my head. And, of course I have been getting myself in these stupid situations where I need to say no, but I can’t and then I won’t and then look at this – I’m in this big pile of crap and I don’t know how to get out of it alive.

At least sometimes I can blame it on being sick.

Constantly I get a question how my thesis is going. And every time I say `slowly` people start rolling their eyes. Sure, I understand them. It’s been a very long time. And yes, if I really wanted, I would have done it. Something keep me back. Not entirely though. I mean, I agree, I can probably be called an Elite failure, but it is not completely my fault. First my school messed up my credits, then I already had my internship, then I wanted to travel South America. Then I got back broke. Then my computer crashed. Then I needed a new camera. Then it became busy period. Then personal crisis. Then some more of that. Then some less of another that. Then finally I made arrangements. And then they fell through. And here I am now. Not a great excuse, I know, but that’s how it is.

I am getting more and more angry at myself actually. I need to finish. Now I do have this with. I don’t want to quit. I want to finish. Maybe meeting my old class mates made a difference. They actually gave me some motivation. They have been going through the same thing. It’s been hard on them too. It’s been like that and it’s been postponed one time too many. I am not the only one. I just took my time to get here.

It will get better.

Nothing much else is happening. I’m just trying to hold my horses.

And that? I don’t know. But I have made up my mind again. It’s official. Still only in my head. But it’s getting out of my hands. And this is my best and final offer. I just hope it’s not a mistake. Or that won’t be one.

Off Topic

Some scarily realistic dreams I keep on having recently. One day I have been dreaming how I got a Nintendo. I cannot remember the game I was playing on it, but there was something very interesting. And then you took it from me. No logic to be found.

And last night I had a dream where I learned you were getting married.
Just like that, I was left speechless.

10 Mar 2013

°Kryptomaniac surface°

In spite of everything. Nothing is happening. Well, almost, anyways.

I did the impossible this week though. I did not crack yet. I might, soon enough. Oh, just wake me up when Tuesday comes.

Finally some answers will help me to get to peace with myself. And no, I ain’t telling you what it is about.

On Thursday I went to the concert. You will probably not know them, since I thought I don’t know them either. The 69 eyes. Surprisingly though, I knew one of the songs. For a moment there I thought maybe it was just a cover, but since after I could not find it online, I figured – wow, I must have actually known them.. How? When? I guess I will never know now.

New sounds are catching up. There will be some blood.

P.S. I get a feeling I am making a very big mistake here. Who knows of course. But somehow I am starting to doubt. Or maybe just to see everything clearer. I have made up my mind. I have made a decision. There will be a deadline involved. And then.. No way back.

You were right. You don’t deserve it. But so don’t I.