21 May 2013

°Trivial splinter°

Today is 5 years since.. Nevermind. It’s just a hard day to be only on my own. And yet again, you just cannot make it.

It’s weird feeling inside me right now. I cannot say I did not see that coming, but I was just hoping from all of the people you would not be the one, who would consider someone else so insignificant.

Oh well. One more time, the mistake has been made and the understanding has finally reached me.

I guess it’s an achievement.

Whatever happens next, I don’t think it will make it any better. I am however, ready to hear it. Just for the sake of.. I can’t even think of anything. Maybe that is the sign.

Now I just need answers to the questions that has been asked, but never heard. Or never cared to be heard.

Why is that still bothering me?

Five years. And I still miss those special moments that we had. Never ever going to happen. I knew it for five years now and it still brings me to tears.

I want a colour blind dream. And a koala hug.

14 May 2013

°Purple screams on the checked hills°

I need a break from life. All jokes aside, I need a break. And yes, I know you may think I am not doing much, but in order to understand, you have to be inside my head. Unfortunately you need a special kind of pass for that. and I don’t know who or where issue them.

Life has been boring for the last few weeks. Boring, if you consider working and reading and trying to understand all those mathematical models boring. Because I do. Work is one thing – at least you understand 100% of what is happening there, even if it drives you crazy. But all those papers.. I am not built for writing papers, even less to write damn master thesis.

Remind me, why did I sign up for this again?

Oh yes, Thailand. My one and only reason. Yet, now I have to finish. And even though I am probably considered an Elite failure, I don’t want to be a quitter. Therefore – I shall push myself to limits so I could finally finish it. Or.. go crazy. Both are equally possible. Do I need to write an equation and provide with a proof?

And I think I could maybe handle that. You know, not brilliantly, but at least at a decent level, if not for my head. I quit so many dramas, yet again, good night sleep has not returned and weird dreams for the moments when I manage to fall asleep are not helping. Where are you, when I need you to hold my hand? Why you no come back? No, not you, I had enough of you.

I realized this one little crazy thing. Even though I tried to convince myself before, now it really got to me – it is true. I never screwed it up. You did. That’s a good feeling, isn’t it? To me, not to you, of course.

Let the kite fly.

I’m done. I’m done thinking. I’m done analyzing [sadly not the math]. I’m done caring and questioning. I think I reached the bottom. Now my goal is to dig myself out. Back to hell or back to the reality – still have not decided that.

Off Topic

I see no need to take me home 
I'm old enough to face the dawn