27 Oct 2013

°Rainbow Rebellion°

After a long and tiring few weeks and after 50+ working week I am finally on my rest day. It just happens to be Sunday, a.k.a. everybody's rest day.

And after a long break I went out. Just out. Just for a walk and be with myself, my thoughts and my fears. Lets face it, I was a little afraid of just being with myself for quite a while now.

And while Hurts and 30 seconds to Mars were screaming in my ears and rain was mixing on my face, my thoughts were floating louder than I could have expected.

Some things are just not easy to admit even if they are right there, in front of you and you already know all of the answers, because the last time you entered that casino at the end of the world, you bet all you had. Bet and lost. Therefore this time you enter with your pockets empty. Wonder how long till they realise and kick me out of it.

There's nothing left to say. 
One more promise to keep [if] and then nothing.

Why is it always, that people only realise everything when it's already too late?
It's never one day to the full moon. It's always one day after. 
And after it never enough. Never good enough.

I suddenly felt so lonely. I am alone most of the time and that never bothers me. But I don't like feeling lonely. I need you to hold my hand. Even if you're too far away.

I will be okay though. Feeling lonely is the last phase. After this, it's only rocky beginnings, but with faith to reach the summit.
Just like you did. Conquered the peak and defeated your fears. 
Absolutely proud of you.
Hopefully of myself soon too.

P.S. Just 8 more days and I will be singing it out loud. Together. World, you are not going to take this from, right? Please don't.

Who knows how long I've been awake now
The shadows on my wall don't sleep
They keep calling me
Who knows what's right; the lines keep getting thinner
My age has never made me wise
But I keep pushing on and on and on and on
There's nothing left to say now

Off Topic

Last day of Tivoli is also proving me wrong. Again.
All I wanted was the swings. And to be an exception.

6 Oct 2013

°The Countdown has begun°

…Lately, I've been, I've been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be

And there I lost it. Not that I didn’t know or didn’t fear. Stings still, you know?

Except for my possible ear infection, meeting Simona at the airport after her USA experience and my own drama – nothing really happened here. I still have my one and only job, not exactly looking for a second one, not just yet at least and my school.. Well, it’s on the list but not going that much forward as I would expect.

I even got an e-mail from my school reminding me to graduate before 2014 August. Which is something. I still got some time. I hope I will manage it before that deadline though. I’m so unmotivated to keep on going. But I have to, right? You’d tell me.

All I wanted was to be an exception. Turns out, just like most of us, I am just a rule.
It’s me and Steffany against the world again. Pack your high-heels, girl, we’re hitting the road again.

Once she told me `He was my dream. And before I knew it, he dragged me to the nightmare`. And I guess she was right: for the broken hearts – broken promises.

…I see this life like a swinging vine
Swing my heart across the line
In my face is flashing signs
Seek it out and you shall find

On the brighter note – I am canceling Christmas [and New Years for that matter] this year again. I managed to surprise myself with this one, since I was honestly just looking for something in Europe – Maybe Madrid or Malta or something else I haven’t been yet. And there it came – boom boom tabadaba boom – cheap tickets to the country I have always wanted to visit, but never had a chance/guts/whatever for it. I had to make up my mind, since this means no Christmas, but since my mom said she will be alright, I just pressed that big red button. I’m flying to Tel Aviv. Israel, baby! Finally, before I die and before it dries, I will get a chance to touch the Dead Sea. I will get to that Wailing Wall myself and put there my wails.

Maybe that will wash away some of the pain and give me a good kick-start.

…Lately, I've been, I've been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I've been, I've been playing hard

Off Topic

What is it with me and married men?
It’s not a rhetorical question. I need some answers. And I need them now.
`Why haven’t I met you 6 years ago?` - Does that sound like a compliment or an insult [not exactly to me, but to her] from a married man with a little baby?

Sure, those are just words, one might say. Still burning and stinging isn’t it?