31 Aug 2016

°You wash my tears away°

The world may have f**ked up, but also recovered quickly and did a miraculous job at being on my side. You, on the other hand, just f***ed up.

Who’s to blame?


Greece always brings ambiguous feelings for me. Just like John Bon Jovi said `You promised me heaven, you put me through Hell`as [Hellas is Greece in Greek, you see]. Because no matter how many times I will go there, how many things I will try and how much hope I will bring, it will still manage to make at least part of the experience bitter. It’s like we have this love/hate relationship, where Greece really loves me, spoiling me with the frappes and suvlakis and sun&sand&sea, but at the same time it will give, oh I don’t know, an allergic reaction to the salty water, or something.

It sometimes makes me wonder – is Greece running the casino at the end of the world, maybe? Or is Greece is sitting there at the poker table? I never thought to ask..


Overall, it was a good week. It was sunny and hot, with lots of sun and lazy times to read a book, endless hours watching the stars and the people and the waves, amazingly delicious foods and drinks, good friends, real hugs and smiles that warm you up inside.

It’s been 10 years and we both have really grown and changed a lot and went through a lot and met lots of people and experienced countless unforgettable memories. You are not the same person you were in that summer course and I am far from that lost naïve, just started travelling creature with a mask of Stephanie, but looking back now I totally get why that little girl fell for you, husband.


Just before I left for Greece I found out that Blue Foundation was playing in Copenhagen. Turns out, half the band is Danish, I did not know that. All I knew was a few songs, but some of them were tied really closely to me that I could not NOT go there and listen to them.

There was way too much of electronics for my taste, but at least I got to listen to the sound I was craving for. It may have not healed my soul, but if definitely washed some of my cynicism away.

Maybe not all is lost? Maybe I am not a lost cause?

I’m really trying. I am.

18 Aug 2016

°Coffee in a wine jar°

°It’s unfortunate that when we feel a storm
We can roll ourselves over `cause we’re uncomfortable
Oh well, the devil makes us sin
But we like it when we’re spinning in his grip°

It was another Tuesday night and I went to see the Massive Attack play live. I was not sure what to expect and I was sure it will be not exactly my scene. After all, I only bought the ticket because I knew a few old songs and even those were not performed. I started by a fairly deep walk down the memory lane and contemplation of life and death.

And then there they were.

It was different, strange, but the oddest thing about it – it blew me away. At points I was feeling like I was lost in the sea of sounds, not touching the ground, or maybe with only the very tips of my toes.

I’m a bit of a fan now.

This was a good getaway. My head may be still bursting with the hot bubbling mess, but it is getting better with each heard song, with every new word, with the minutes spent smiling and wondering about what would have happened, if..

°Love is like a sin, my love
For the ones that feel it the most
Look at her with her eyes like a flame
She will love you like a fly will never love you again°

And just like that. The Olympics for the Basketball nation is over. And now it does not matter anymore – you can be sad, you can be angry, you can try and find the mistakes, the wrong doings, but it won’t change a thing – semi-finals will continue without the Lithuanian team. Surely, being in the TOP 8 in the whole world where great teams like Greece, Slovenia [there are plenty more] did not even qualify, is a great achievement. Not for the Basketball nation though.

And it is really hard to watch the faces of the players who gave it all, but that was still not enough. Well, there is always another year, right?

Now all I can hope is for Serbia to go far far, surprising the opponents and taking the medals.

°It’s unfortunate that when we feel a storm
We can roll ourselves over when we’re uncomfortable
Oh well, the devil makes us sin
But we like it when we’re spinning in his grip°

I think I’m going to lose this one. I was optimistic, full of hope and putting the effort. I start seeing that it was all kind of for nothing. I cannot help, but smile. How did that happen? I know how. I was still that little naïve girl with a way-too-heavy backpack on my shoulders, full of wonderfulness of world. Not all is lost then. I may have lost this round, but I will be rising like a phoenix. And then it will be your turn to feel hopeless. The little girl is still alive and so is the travelling bug.

°Love is like a sin, my love,
Fort he ones that feels it the most
Look at her with a smile like a flame

She will love you like a fly will never love you again°

14 Aug 2016

°Rectangular balloons in the thick green sky°

°Cómo decir que me parte en mil
las esquinitas de mis huesos,
que han caído los esquemas de mi vida
ahora que todo era perfecto.
Y algo más que eso,
me sorbiste el seso y me decían del peso
de este cuerpecito mío
que se ha convertío en río.
de este cuerpecito mío
que se ha convertío en río°

My 8 espressos yesterday sent me for a 1.5 hours nap. And -50 difference sent the whole Lithuanian nation to the disappointment and sadness. Nothing is lost, and all can be recovered, however you cannot help but balance on the unhappiness line, trying to figure out which side will be there to catch you and where you will fall.

The good part? This is not the first time and most probably not the last. But at least we are not afraid of raising back to the feet. Because you never give up. 

°Me cuesta abrir los ojos
y lo hago poco a poco,
no sea que aún te encuentre cerca.
Me guardo tu recuerdo
como el mejor secreto,
que dulce fue tenerte dentro°

Once the way of anger got washed away, I felt strangely calm. This is not a bad life, only a bad day. And it does not matter that maybe you want to hug already wet pillow, because deep down you know that your demons will hold you, no matter what.

°Siempre me quedará
la voz suave del mar,
volver a respirar la lluvia que caerá
sobre este cuerpo y mojará
la flor que crece en mi,
y volver a reír
y cada día un instante volver a pensar en ti°

I think I am ready now. Whatever you got under your sleeves, world, come at me. I am not afraid anymore. And I am not wondering what was, is or will be meant to happen. Because nothing is. We make our own decisions and we get to live with them. I have made some stupid decisions that I am trying to get a second chance for re-doing, but it will be still okay if it won't go according to my inner world's plan. I will just take it one day at a time. Without overlooking the past too much. If I get it, great, but if I won't - so be it. It will not be a lost fight, it will not be a lost war. It will only be a bad day and one of those `oh well` moments. 

I think it's over, world. If I am not afraid anymore, there is not anything you can do to make me scared. Please, however, do not take it as a challenge. Let's go grab a cup of lemongrass tea instead. It's good for you.

°En la voz suave del mar,
en volver a respirar la lluvia que caerá
sobre este cuerpo y mojará
la flor que crece en mi,
y volver a reír
y cada día un instante volver a pensar en ti°

It took me a long while, but I think I know now. I know what I want. I haven't figured out the whole life complicated web yet, but I think a little door just opened up. 

Will you help me to improve my Spanish?

...You should have known by the tone of my voice, maybe...

11 Aug 2016

°This is full blown love°

The summer is over. And I did not see it quite starting yet. Sad’ish.

°Watching the world
Take on a new form
All that I knew then
Fades to oblivion°

Just a few days ago I jumped on my bike and there was something different. I couldn’t grasp it at first, but then it dawned on me – I was happy. Biking to work, with the bump on my leg from Friday’s Frisbee, but still happy. Most probably because after a long working week and weekend full of nothingness, it was quite nice to get back on a normal track.

Besides Greece was only getting closer. Now if only it arrived and no surprises followed.. I will just sit back and hope for the best, keeping my fingers crossed that the world will not decide to settle our disagreements there and then.

Please world? I will do anything. Well, not anything anything, but a lot. Just let me have this one. Do we have a deal?

°So sure that I
Had what I needed
I should’ve seen it
From the beginning°

I may have managed to kill the beast before it even rose to its feet. Too soon to tell of course, so I am sitting here in the corner full of hope. Hope that I have found a recipe that make the monster sleep. Now if I could only find a recipe for keeping it asleep and forgetting it ever wants to come out of its layer to play.

I don’t want to play with you, monster. My other monsters are much better – they have cookies.

°We drive into the night
Away from the life
Bringing us down

My patience is getting slimmer and slimmer. I wish I was more like it, slimming wise. Less than two weeks for the beach time and I am not exactly in a bikini body, yet. Oh well, I’ll just pretend there are other things, more important than the lean figure.

But yes, I am losing patience to people who think they are better or know they are worse, but they want to be better. No more anger, I will try this new thing people are talking so much about – and not give a damn [I would use a different word here, but I’ve been told I am cursing too much].

°We try
Keeping it light
But we can`t deny
We already know

Off Topic

I sat down to write a letter to you, Romeo. I wanted to spill everything that is accumulated in my head. And in my heart. I know it would be more of a book than a letter, really, but I need to say it out loud or the voices in my head will become so noisy, I won’t be able to hear my own thoughts anymore.

But then I realized, I don’t want to do that. I still want you to hear it all, but I don’t want to say it in written words. No… I want to sit in front of you at the table somewhere outside. If it’s cold, we’ll just wear coats and hats and gloves, layers. But I want to sit at the table in front of you and watch your face as I tell you my story. My two-cups-of-tea-story. I was to see your smile, your frown, your confused face and relieved expression. I want to drink a beer. Two beers. Fifteen beer, if that is what it would take to tell you what’s happening inside of me.

Then, if you still want to, we can run away and chase the stars. And never look back. I think I am ready now. To not look back.

3 Aug 2016

°Sour raindrops°

°Broken bottles in the hotel lobby
Seems to me like I'm just scared of never feeling it again
I know it's crazy to believe in silly things
But it's not that easy°

I'm tired and I need holidays. Good thing is that 2.5 weeks later I am flying to a Paradise country. It may not be a paradise to you, or him, or many people, but it is a Paradise to me. The sip of cold coffee at 7 a.m. in the port watching people leaving the party, friends that will never ask uncomfortable questions and will always give you hand when in doubt and those unforgettable smiles that follow you throughout the day.


°I remember it now, it takes me back o when it all first started
But I've only got myself to blame for it, and I accept it now
It's time to let it go, go out and start again
But it's not that easy°

Let's not run away, Romeo, not this time. Let's sit it through. Let's face the world and the consequences. You and me, let's be strong and please do not let go of my hand.

°But I've got high hopes, it takes me back to when we started
High hopes, when you let it go, go out and start again
High hopes, oh, when it all comes to an end
But the world keeps spinning around°

I almost lost it today. So easy it would have been, just to not do anything, expect for the nothingness and then blame everyone and anyone for what happens.

I decided against it. And I may not be right, may not be correct or even reach the goal at the end, but at least I tried. And after this, I will be able to sleep at night. Or at least a little better than normally.

Stop chasing the shooting stars. They are dead. Just like your dreams.

°And in my dreams, I meet the ghosts of all the people who have come and gone°