°Down on the West Coast°

°When we first came here

We were cold and we were clear

With no colours in our skin

We were light and paper thin°

I can’t seem to be able to shake off the trembles since the moment I awoke myself this morning at 4 a.m. I cannot explain it and I am not trying to pretend to have a sixth sense or anything, but something is bothering me and it is not going away. I cannot put my finger on it or figure out what it is. I know it is not a panic attack, more like a gut feeling. And I know, if it’s a gut, then it’s the intestines, so it’s probably sh*t.. It still feels like my heart will jump out of the rib cage any minute now, though.

°And when we first came here

We were cold and we were clear

With no colours in our skin

‘Til we let the spectrum in°

I did lots and lot of shopping this weekend. Visited countless number of shops, bought many items of different kinds, I even treated myself, because after all, I am the most important person in my life and I should not let myself to forget that. So I’ll be pretty, even if for no one else to see.

I even finally bought the tickets for the local flights in the Philippines for my holidays. One step closer to the 2 weeks in the paradise, which hopefully will not turn into hell as it often likes. I forgot to eat though, I did not think I was capable of that, but I guess when you are really tired, anything is possible.

And I finally got a light installed in my living room. It’s been around 15 months and I still wouldn’t have it if not for people who care if I have light or not more than I, apparently. I’m still getting used to it, forgetting to light it from time to time, but as the autumn’s darkness and rains approaches, I will have all the opportunities to try it out and again more often.

°Say my name

And every color illuminates

We are shining

And we will never be afraid again°

I should have known that this was always a crash and burn case. I mean, I kind of knew it all along, I just somehow either thought I am stronger than I actually am or I was still holding onto that hope, that crashed and burnt many times before, but somehow, every single time, manages to survive, recover and like a brave warrior, go back into the battle field. Just like the little dwarf with dust shoes, who went to the road to fight for love.

Even having a definite written ending to it, I was somehow hoping I will get some more time and space to enjoy it. Just one more moment, one more night, one more week, one more lifetime… The little backpack girl is very much alive and I am very glad and grateful for it. Because no matter what, no matter how strong the crash, she will always have that phone booth that she will return to make a phone call. Once again.

°And when we come for you

We’ll be dressed up all in blue

With the ocean in our arms

Kiss your eyes and Kiss your palms°

It has always been too late. I knew it, but I tried to convince either myself or the world that this time it is different. Yet I could see the situation unrolling in the exact same pace as so many times before.

`My love has a time limit. Let me rephrase that – our love has a time limit`.

When most of your life happened on the road, even after you settle, you cannot help but view everything that is happening around you from the different angle glasses. You cannot afford to be slow, you cannot afford to restrict yourself, you don’t want to hold yourself back. And so you do – one or ten things that scares your every, you allow yourself to take it all in, to feel, to experience, to fall in love, because you know that tomorrow it might all be gone, because it is all so fragile and temporary.

`She follows her heart <…> Like a map to her soul <…> A reminder she must let go.. And she goes`  

I don’t think it is possible to understand how this type of mindset works, unless experienced yourself. It’s both a curse and a blessing – depends how you choose to look at it.

I take it as a burning blessing.

°And when it’s time to pray

We’ll be dressed up all in grey

With metal on our tongues

And silver in our lungs°

All I asked was all the information presented and not to be lied to. And now it feels like I’m being lied to. I can be wrong of course, been before. And I would really really hope that I am wrong this time. Because I definitely do not want to be lied to about this. Or now.

It would spoil the fantasy. Not even talking about how bitter the crashing and burning would become. On the other hand, it would speed up the spring cleaning.

It all comes down to the perspective and how you choose to take things. And I am really trying not to lose my rationality. Think about it, just few years ago in the identical situation I have made many more mistakes. I guess I am learning.

Romeo, I am building the craving to write you a letter. The one that will never be sent. The one that will never be shared. The long one, hand written. I feel like before I can move on, I need to write it all down. And then not to press button. You told me this once: `They all regret. You will too`. But, will I?

°And when we come back we’ll be dressed in black

And you’ll scream my name aloud

And we won’t eat and we won’t sleep

We’ll drag bodies from a ground°