After a few days of working almost non'stop and getting only halfly paid, I decided it is worth it. And I am sticking to it. Well, too late to back out anyways. Just a few minutes ago I received an e-mail stated `confirmed`. Yes, baby, I am coming home for Christmas. But you know the funny part? All I want for Christmas, is you. And no, this is not happening.
Just as I pushed that magical button, I started thinking and dreaming of Christmas. And snow - my real Christmas sort of a thing. World, you have taken too much from me this week, can we make a deal in here - I get real Christmas this year, alright? You know, with snow and all that. I need this. And on some level I think you agree that you owe me that one. Just this once.. Let's not start war before we make peace.
But honestly, I think I opened some sort of a gate right now. It hit me. The harsh truth I was hiding under my hope. And still it's not leaving just yet.
Fear is powerful, but faith is stronger. And mine is still with me. If not, I don't know where I would be right now. Not here at least, that much I know.
Amazing how right after getting those tickets, I tried and search for the other ones. And then I stopped. I cannot do this anymore. I've been banned. How do I not forget? Should I write it down on my arm?
Soon it won't matter. Or at least I hope. Now if only I could get my snow on my Christmas. Or should I say your Christmas, since there is no that thing for me, if there is no white miracle all around.
Not much else matters. It's my `off` Sunday, which basically means studying, or trying to, anyways. There will be time for everything else. Sooner. Or maybe a little later.
Off topic
There are some certain things you prefer not to say out loud, so they don't get you too hard. Yet again, you need to spread it all out, so you can express your anger and move on lighter [metaphorically, of course] in the streets.
It hit me one day, how twisted the world is when it comes to relationships. I don't know, maybe it's our generation that's f.... up, but nowadays, when every boundary is more or less broken already, it's hard to say when you are with someone or when it's just a casual thing. At the end the power is in that person's hands, who did not break down first. Or in the one's who decided to leave. It's like.. you can never be sure until you have that ring on your finger. And even if you have a ring, you don't know where it takes you.
I'm not sure if I should take that as a total insult, or as a compliment [yes, because nutcases like me enjoy different style of life], or just crawl into bed and cry for days, but this reality actually hit me. I am not a girlfriend material. But as sure as hell I am, apparently, ex-girlfriend material. Ignoring the whole actions and behaviors, which, by the way, all the time sends completely different message, words say nothing. Yet again, at the end there is that secret, almost slutty ex, somehow appearing in the monitors. Deal with it, they say, it will be okay, maybe. And I do. Because you know what? I have a safety net, I will survive. And I am not afraid to scare myself with my faith trying taking a risk.
If I could ask for anything for my Christmas gift, I would ask for a Koala hug. Because that is where the magic happens. Outside my comfort zone. In a Koala hug. And then the world stops matter.
Somehow this one went deep in a heel
Just as I pushed that magical button, I started thinking and dreaming of Christmas. And snow - my real Christmas sort of a thing. World, you have taken too much from me this week, can we make a deal in here - I get real Christmas this year, alright? You know, with snow and all that. I need this. And on some level I think you agree that you owe me that one. Just this once.. Let's not start war before we make peace.
But honestly, I think I opened some sort of a gate right now. It hit me. The harsh truth I was hiding under my hope. And still it's not leaving just yet.
Fear is powerful, but faith is stronger. And mine is still with me. If not, I don't know where I would be right now. Not here at least, that much I know.
Amazing how right after getting those tickets, I tried and search for the other ones. And then I stopped. I cannot do this anymore. I've been banned. How do I not forget? Should I write it down on my arm?
Soon it won't matter. Or at least I hope. Now if only I could get my snow on my Christmas. Or should I say your Christmas, since there is no that thing for me, if there is no white miracle all around.
Not much else matters. It's my `off` Sunday, which basically means studying, or trying to, anyways. There will be time for everything else. Sooner. Or maybe a little later.
Off topic
There are some certain things you prefer not to say out loud, so they don't get you too hard. Yet again, you need to spread it all out, so you can express your anger and move on lighter [metaphorically, of course] in the streets.
It hit me one day, how twisted the world is when it comes to relationships. I don't know, maybe it's our generation that's f.... up, but nowadays, when every boundary is more or less broken already, it's hard to say when you are with someone or when it's just a casual thing. At the end the power is in that person's hands, who did not break down first. Or in the one's who decided to leave. It's like.. you can never be sure until you have that ring on your finger. And even if you have a ring, you don't know where it takes you.
I'm not sure if I should take that as a total insult, or as a compliment [yes, because nutcases like me enjoy different style of life], or just crawl into bed and cry for days, but this reality actually hit me. I am not a girlfriend material. But as sure as hell I am, apparently, ex-girlfriend material. Ignoring the whole actions and behaviors, which, by the way, all the time sends completely different message, words say nothing. Yet again, at the end there is that secret, almost slutty ex, somehow appearing in the monitors. Deal with it, they say, it will be okay, maybe. And I do. Because you know what? I have a safety net, I will survive. And I am not afraid to scare myself with my faith trying taking a risk.
If I could ask for anything for my Christmas gift, I would ask for a Koala hug. Because that is where the magic happens. Outside my comfort zone. In a Koala hug. And then the world stops matter.
Somehow this one went deep in a heel
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