°Black is the colour°

Why are we on the battle right now world? Give me a break, or I will break. Almost literally.

You send me to get a surgery without providing information where it is going to happen, no matter how freaking out I am. Then you give me no promises about improvement. But it's okay. I take it as a challenge and accept it. But canceling Muse concert is a bit too much, don't you think? I know we made a deal `I get to see Coldplay` and you gave it to me. I did appreciate that. But Muse.. Muse!!! You could have let me have it.

After all.. Time is running out. I don't know if I can wait till May. Or June.


Come on world, you're playing dirty. It's no longer fun.

It used to be me and you against the world. Now you are with the world.

°Lemon tea with Ginger and Honey°

Being furious did not help me to get an appointment with my doctor, of course. But the good thing was – I am actually good at google’ing and using translators online. I managed to find out that my doctor is actually away only for that one day [good luck, huh?] and that I can call her the next day, no problem [or at least I hoped]. It was okay, actually, I called her another day, booked the appointment [I have to say, this time I so much appreciated receptionist, who talked to me in English without hanging up] and waited for it.

Once I got in, I got good/bad news. Still cannot decide which one is it. The good part is – I am no longer needed medications, the bad part though – that scar will stay there… hmm.. more or less.. forever. Funny or sad that is, I am, once again, scarred for life.

Could be worse I guess.

Other than that I have been working. Not much, just 16.5 hours per day, or 11 hours per day and almost non stop. I managed though. Too bad that my immune system [I am blaming those damn antibiotics I had to take] decided to give up and send me some feverish sickness. Not serious, I hope, just like everyone around, I am sneezing, have running nose, coughing and since yesterday, feeling this weakness in my body. I am guessing it’s just some virus and I can kill it by myself. As long as I feel more or less okay to work and my colleagues said I probably don’t have temperature, I will keep on heeling myself.

There comes my big mugs of ginger/lemon/honey tea. Over and over and over again. Good I like the taste, you know.

So I have been working day on Friday and night on Saturday, which gave me some free time and guys decided for me – we are going for a beer. I might have said no, but it was nice people and they promised me Hoegaarden from decent Hoegaarden glasses. We started in The Dubliner, met some people, then moved to some Irish/Scottish kind of pub, had a few pints there and once they started closing, I decided to go home. It was spectacular time, talking about traveling and where to go, how to go. It pushed some buttons in my head and now I am dying how much I want to go back on the road again. Just me and my backpack. Better yet, me, Steffany and OUR backpack [which I am always carrying by the way].

Next morning I woke up without capability of speaking. I thought I lost my voice for the whole day and was a little scared thinking how I am going to serve people with such a deep manly voice. But my almost normal voice came back to me, so the only thing I had to worry about at work was how not to collapse. Seriously, I felt like that `illness` is killing me.

So the next few days I spent either in bed trying to recover or working [because that is still, you know.. extra money].

And surviving. Because there is nothing else left.

Off topic

There were so many things I wanted to say, but now they all faded. Maybe I should write them down all the time on the spot. Or maybe it’s for the best to forget. But you know what I miss? Haruki Murakami. That psychedelic world, which, so weird, yet so familiar.

I did not want to trap you. Or intrude your life. I wanted to be free..together.

Talking about missing and memories. Those strange mixed feelings came into me recently. Like when I have been walking in that deserted beach, where almost no people existed [or electricity for that matter], trying to make peace with the world and erase some things from my memory. All I could do all of that time was to sing that crazy, completely non-related song. And yet again it kind of saved me. 

P.S. And on top of everything, on an ordinary Monday, when they sent me to the post office and I had to go and take my jacket I found flowers in there. `Just because you're awesome` the note said. I know exactly who they are from or the reasoning behind it, but it totally made my day. Not only mine, the girls were very pleasantly surprised too. I was smiling and laughing and couldn't stop till late. Such a little thing.. Such a big impact.

°I swallowed my pride. And six shots of whiskey°

I need some sleep and I need it now. It’s been a little too crazy around here. And no, not just only with work. I’m still getting there, though.

I had an okay shift on Saturday, following by a nice start of the night with glogg [even if it’s way too sweet] and girls, then shifted to different level. I biked to Chrissie’s place, where she was having a housewarming party. It was a big apartment with a lot of people in there and I knew a total of 1 person. So I thought it’s going to be a long and boring time while trying to find someone to talk to. Wasn’t anything like that. Chrissie introduced me to a lot of people and to be honest I do not remember almost any of their names, but that is not a problem, is it?

I talked with a few of them, we had fun, I mean we really had a lot of fun. We ended up in her room just chilling and talking and then I left. Of course, it was raining, and of course it was cold, but after the night like this, so refreshing and different, I fell asleep happy.

Then the next few days were sort of bad. I could not sleep in the mornings, I could not sleep in the days, I went to work tired and I could not do much, because I was simply trying to sleep or get some rest. In the end I worked Sunday night really tired, but I managed. And then Monday came.

I had to wake up early enough, so I could call and make an appointment with my doctor. I called a few times but the only thing I could get was an answering machine and OF COURSE in Danish. After the last time I figured out it is something like `I am not in the office` thing. I got online and found out that in the case like that I can call 3 other doctors. Alright, lets do this. First one had similar out of office message. The second one.. I tried calling them a lot of times and it was always busy signal. I tried the third one. Receptionist answered to my question in English in Danish fast and something I could not understand. I asked her if she speaks English, because I really do not speak Danish, she said little. Then I tried asking for an appointment in the most easy way she went mute on me. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, no `excuse me`, no `I don’t speak your stupid language, you live in Denmark, you speak Danish`, no `Can’t help you, goodbye`. She just sat there, keeping me hanging like an idiot. That almost broke me.

Now it was time for the third one, the busy one. I managed to get my call answered, although in the middle of my explanation what I need phone was dropped. Or something, I don’t know. But I could only hear people walking, pens moving and so on. I kept on asking `hello, excuse me, what is happening?` no response. At some point someone said something like `doctor’s office`, I tried to explain what I want again, but they dropped the phone again. I heard papers, pens, even buttons on the phone being pressed. Still no answer.

That made it. I got furious, sad, angry and all other possible feeling. I need to go to the doctor and people who know me knows that I don’t go there for no reason, and then I get treated like that? Yes, I know I don’t speak Danish and that’s bad of me, but I am here temporarily and I just need to get a doctor’s appointment.

So yes, next time when you want to ask me if I like Denmark, don’t. Because Denmark apparently does not like me, so I don’t have to like it too.

After that I had to get myself together and I did. I finally did my shopping [on-line shopping, still suffered enough], had some sleep and now hopefully will have an easy shift back in the Dubliner. Again.

Off Topic

So many things have happened recently, I am afraid I won’t be able to keep up.

It is true. Yet again I tried and failed. I was right about the first part. True friends are for keeping. Too bad you are not one of them.

And then there was.. that thin ice. Not mine though. I’m afraid it’s getting too deep though. Still, 13 years.

I heard the story that made me a little mad. And proved me right, so I guess it’s better. People do those things all the time and they survive. You wouldn’t let me, and that is your loss. Totally. Completely. Too bad though.

It’s not an old or new song. It’s just something for a sound:

°Throughout this whole flight°

Here we are again. Me and math. And yes, this time numbers are not that shocking. Still, in the last 9 days I have worked 9. In the last 3 days I had to wake up before sun does. In the next 10 days I will have 0 days off. And it’s only 18:31, as m watch says, and I am tired as if it was late night/early morning. Welcome to my world. Where time is shifting and life is turning.

I had a long and tiring shift last night. Where I learned that I am `the chosen` one. Not exactly that, but that I am valued and trusted and.. well, one of the best anyways. Small thing, but makes you happy about yourself for sure.

At the same day I got my faith in humanity restored. I’ve been working for 12 hours straight and I was tired already. Sadly enough I get to my bike and find no keys to unlock it. Must have left them at work. So I go back, but my keys are nowhere to be found. I lost them. Good my bike is still there, but how do I take it, if the chain is real metal chain and I have no tools to cut it. And then.. I see my keys on my bike [someone definitely put them on it] tight, so they won’t fall. I could not believe my eyes. Someone either so me loosing it, or just been a good person, so they decided instead of stealing my bike, keeping it safe for me. My karma balance must have been positive. And that person must have been a totally goodie.

And now, thanks to Ieva, who asked my my shift, I finally had my time to do laundry and other, for some people, completely understandable stuff. Still, sun is already gone and all I want is to sleep. Maybe I will do that. sooner, rather than later.

Off topic

I don’t know what I feel. Anger? Sadness? Relief? Addiction? Realization? Not sure. Still not. Listening to the same old sounds does not make it more clear.

When someone asked a girl why it is so hard for her to trust people, she responded with the question, why it is so difficult to keep promise. I’ve been asked a similar question. I’ve been asked why I am not looking for a future husband/father for my future children. My answer is still the same – I will never look, but I may stay, if I manage to find someone strong enough not to let me go. Which is true. But I cannot help but wonder, how can someone expect me to look for someone, when every time I allow myself to believe, it all falls apart. Burst into thousands of pieces. Goes from `nothing`, to `nothing anymore`. And no, not after a few dates or several conversations. Magic was involved. You know what I mean right? No, not that. Different sort of magic.

No matter how hard you try, world, I will never stop believing. This is something you will not be able to take away from me. It maybe just me against you, but I will always have my faith. And I will be happy. Oh, wait, sorry, I mistaken that. I am already happy.

You reminded me of him. That smile and those hands. I finally figured some things out. And I feel like I don’t need antibiotics anymore. I am high on myself. No illegal/prescribed stuff involved.

After such a long time having a night off my hand is full of chocolate cookies, hot wine and mandarins. I will turn on some bad movie to watch and this is my Christmas [because I can create snow in my head in no time]. It’s my time now. Yours will come later.

°The screams all sound the same°

My hopefully easier shifts turned out to be long and tiring. And before I knew it, all of my free time was spent in bed, trying to recover strength and keep my feet from dangerous levels of pain.

You probably could say it got better. Or maybe I just got used to that. or maybe I just decided not to care anymore and just to go with the flow.

And despite of it all, one day I decided I have had enough.

I don’t know what happened, I just decided not to care, be happy and what the hell.. Life is still pretty damn awesome. It just happened that I have been talking to my husband that day and after his mean comment about me only talking, but not actually visiting him I… got online, checked the best options, pushed in magical 16 numbers and what do you know? I will get older in Barcelona, baby!

The funny thing is – he actually was happy and excited about the idea of seeing me. And my friend was excited too. Which led to me being excited, even though there is still a lot of time till that magical week. I can almost feel it..

I went to work and there I had another surprise. Cian, the guy we have been working together there 2 years ago was visiting. He looked much more mature and he looked good. Well, not a big surprise I guess knowing that he have been travelling half of the world for the last 1.5 years. He brought me memories from our times in here. Good times.

Off topic

And here we went from `I am sticking to my guns and I believe in best in people` to `I know you don’t want to hear this, but it is true`. It took me surprisingly little time. And even though I am not completely healed, I am getting there.

Am I really getting wiser? Or was this the actual real deal? Now we’ll never know, will we?

I may still not completely understand it all. The reasoning, the lack of logic, the speed and everything else. But it doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t ask questions and I gave up on expecting the answers. Let the river wash the banks.

And still.. Why on earth would someone drop THAT big of a bomb and expect to get out of the crime scene alive? Or was is just the last hope in the hopeless land? It doesn’t matter anymore as well, I guess.

My life entered new race. New level, new prize, new logistics. We’re gonna take the world down. And we will smile down from the cliff. Even if in different parts of the world.

Wise words need to be repeated – they all regret. You will too.

Try and lie that’s not true, ah?

Completely new sound. Makes you addicted, committed and happy. I’m high on something for 3 days now. Could not put a finger on it, but could it be the sound?