°Before Midnight°

It's an interesting phase I am trying to live through, I have to say.

And with every day it is getting harder and harder. I am starting to feel like one of those people, you know, depressed ones. Not the `oh my god, I am so depressed, because my parents bought me white iphone instead of black`, but more like `I want nothing, I want just to stay in bed and wait for the day to pass`.

How did I get myself into this all? Or maybe the better question is - why?
And you have the answers. Although you would not share. Like that fatty boy in a kindergarten, who was always trying to get a hold of all of the toys.


I had a very intense walk down the memory lane the other day. Cannot explain exactly why, just remembered it. Little pieces of the puzzle that do not answer anything and provide little, but still a smile.

We could have been happy.
I could have made you happy.
You are now thinking the exact same thing.

But the up-to-date life is different. After all of the thinking and deciding and over-thinking I quit The Dubliner. Just like that, one day I came, told them I am not going to be coming back in, finished my scheduled shifts, had one last shot with the staff, one last beer as a staff and it was over.

Staff will be missed. Especially a few, for some reason, very special people.


Soon after that I've got an interview in another place, probably/maybe got the job, waiting for the contract to be signed. Still in a waiting mode.


I got the results from my doctor. Promising results, I guess, even though there are slight changes and if scenario `all goes well` doesn't take place, it could be the very beginning of the pre-cancerous cells formation. Not that I am much worried. Just... confused.


And I went to see `Before Midnight`. By myself in an almost empty theater, once again enjoying the story, that's been going on for 20 years and I have been following for the last few. It seems so real and so down to earth. No pink elephants, no unrealistic faces or actions. Just real people and real conversations.

Something that makes me feel like I am starting to believe in Love again.




Off Topic

Tomorrow will be three weeks and one day left.
The naive part of me still has some faith, while the rational one tells me to pack the bags. Take the Romeo by his hand and run for the stars. Shooting stars. With AK-47.  

°Before sunrise°

I decided to watch both before sunrise and before sunset movies. Before I go and watch before midnight by myself in an empty theater.

Never thought it would bring such sentiments.

It reminded me of you. Of you, and the things that you do. Did, to be exact. Especially that emptiness mixed with good memories at the moment of the separation.

To think we almost made it to the movie. And yet we crashed right before the release.

Would you have let me go if you knew the outcome?



So many thoughts, followed by one simple, yet unanswered question.
Do you even have the answer?




-------------------------
Daydream delusion, limousine eyelash / Oh baby with your pretty face / Drop a tear in my wineglass / Look at those big eyes / See what you mean to me / Sweet-cakes and milkshakes / I'm a delusion angel / I'm a fantasy parade / I want you to know what I think / Don't want you to guess anymore / You have no idea where I came from / We have no idea where we're going / Lodged in life / Like branches in a river/ Flowing downstream / Caught in the current / I carry you / You'll carry me / That's how it could be / Don't you know me? / Don't you know me by now?

°30 seconds to Mars°

Where did you go?.. Where did you go?..
Crash. Crash.

They say that in order to tidy your mind, you need to tidy your room. And that is what I did.
I have been contemplating a few things recently, some of them started being too hard to juggle and I needed.. something. A break, a change, a runaway. Something. I needed to take something off my hands or I would have cracked. And a break did not help.

If anything, it made it worse.

And so I did. A few thoughts have been stirring in my head for the last few weeks, not surprisingly jumping from one conclusion to another without a strong sense of what I could make the best of it. So I went for the tidying my room. To those who know me at least a little knows - this is a pain in soft spot. Yet, if I did it, it must have been the edge.

Oh, living on the edge.. Remember?
[No, not you]

I made a decision. Two, to be exact. I will keep my promise. And I will cut the cords. Done.


If walking a bit on a memory lane, just before I went to Paris for my mom's almost-surprise-birthday-advance-gift, I went to the concert. Roger Waters - The Wall. You know me, I am not old enough to be Pink Floyd kid, I never especially liked them as per say. I knew a few songs, I liked the way they sounded, but it was never `oh my God, to die for`. Yet, the concert was surprising. The show itself, the decorations, the actual wall that they built on the stage and the sounds were incredible. Time flew fastly fast and I did not get bored or tired. I actually enjoyed the whole thing.

Of course my enjoyment is not even a comparison with a person's whom I went to the concert with.
[Happy]

And after that I went to Paris. Just for a few days, just for my mom. I figured a few months ago that it's either now or never. And I don't want to get to the never part. So I settled for now. It's been three very busy days and one little easy one. Much walking, many sights, many things to see or to take picture of. My mom's been very excited and happy. So I guess you could call it a perfect trip.

There is nothing you would not do for your family.
It was a good idea.


Off Topic

I still remember you sometimes. No, not in that way. The way I see it now - it was a mistake. My mistake. Maybe yours. You let me believe and I believed. Such a pathetic fools we were. Are you still?