°Under the purple spring°

Something is wrong with me. And I am not talking about small simple `bad hair day`. I am talking proper wrong. Today, while in a shower I started crying. Just like that. And it was not that I got soap in my eye.

I know I need to talk it through. My problem is - I don't know what to talk about or who to talk to. I just know I need to get it all out.  I seem to have it all more or less figured out and in places. And yet again, I choke on my inner screams while brushing my teeth.

Maybe it is the fault of Angus? Well, not just him, her as well. Maybe I should just keep the distance from them, at least for a little while? On the other hand, they seem to help me clearing my dirtied paths.


<< I should have bought that ticket when I had a chance. And now, I don't know when they are planning on coming back. I can only hope that they are>>


The realization hit me, fairly hard, that people are changing and I am not so much. Because I am lacking a friend who would understand my chaotic, maybe unrealistic or just unreasonable problems and `drink about it` with me. No judgement, just the hug, the jug and .... (losing any other -ug words.., maybe I need a dictionary for my next birthday rather than a miracle?).


<>


Shame we all grow at a different pace.


°I'll miss you, when you are gone°


I am looking at my newest purchase that I really really wanted for so long and I just don't have a motivation to take it out for a spin. It makes me angry, but at the same time I just want to cuddle in my sleep and not to wake up until this strange wave passes by. 

It will right? You can tell me. You need to tell me.



°I had a dream that you were gone°

°One of these days°

Oh boy do I want to say so much today. And I know that nobody will really listen or are very interested in my `beliefs`, but I still want to say it out loud. Or to type it all out very very loud.

Shall we start with the most obvious piece?

I hate stupid people
And no, I do not consider myself a genius, a brain guru or any other brain-full person. And I don't go around telling how people are stupid. I just sometimes cannot get my grip, because some of those things they say or do are just... incredibly stupid.
Like, for example, why would you disturb another person's time and ask him/her a question, then completely ignore what they are saying, start arguing that it is not done that way and interrupt them mid-sentence? That is not just stupid, but also plain rude. And if you feel like you know-it-all-so-better, why ask? Let people enjoy their time without getting asked and then be not heard.
Or, I guess even a better example - a facebook status about how great is weed, how good it is, because it is proven that is slows cancer growth and that the world that is not accepting weed is sickening. Well congratulations, my dear sir, you just idiotized yourself (I know it's not the word). I understand the point of view in general - weed should be legalized. I may not agree with it, but I can accept it to some point: we all choose our own poison, yours just might be weed. And yes, weed can be useful for you in one way or the other, but it also does quite a bit of harm if used too much. People who in their circle have at least one stoner, who smokes everyday, several times a day, knows what I am talking about. Weed is not some ultimate best-thing-on-earth piece of miracle and the world without it is not sickening, just weed-free.

Religion and double standards.
Now that is some sensitive topic that is better to avoid if possible. Unfortunately, sometimes it is not. The conversation goes more or less like this:
Opponent: I don't understand why those people get confirmations. It's not like they believe. This is just stupid.
Me: How often do you go to church? And is your husband religious?
O: I visit church once in a blue moon, I'm not really religious, and my husband is not religious at all.
M: So why on earth would you baptize your kids?
O: Well, just in case.
M: In case what??..
O: In case there is a god and they die, so they don't end up in hell.

Please tell me I am not the only one seeing a double standard here. Other non-believers are stupid for having confirmation ceremony, but I am very smart and rational for baptizing my kids even if I am not really a believer. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against religious people, I just think you should really stick to a side - you either believe or you don't, and none of this `just in case there is an almighty dude on the clouds, I will baptize my kids`

And then the conversation continues:
O: No fat old guy will tell me how to live my life.
M: And yet.. you let one marry you.

Now this part is just ridiculous, don't you think? I don't respect priest as a profession man, but I will insist on him marrying me to another human being til the day I die. Bravo, that just makes all whole bunch of sense.


Off Topic

Home is almost done. Summer is almost planned. Life is getting on an adult track. Feels good, even if weird. Cannot help but feel something is missing. I just cannot put my finger on it yet. Not yet at least.

At least I found the sounds that I don't seem to be able to stop listening to. And why did I not buy the tickets when I have the chance?

°Treat me like you do°

My head's still spinning, too much is happening, and I thought adulthood was boring..

I'm becoming a responsible adult. I am still a teenager in a heart though. And a `I can do it all, I can have it all` believer. Strange, even though I understand that it is time to get serious, I just don't feel like it. My friend from since I can remember is very excited about us getting serious and mature young woman and all I want to do is eat cherry pie and drink beer all night talking about boys, kisses, secret crushes and other far-from-mature nonsense. 

Is this my destiny? Never growing up, never growing old?

I bought an apartment. Everytime I unlock the doors I get a little excitement in my heart. I have home. For the first time in my life I have home. Sure, my home has nothing in it, still is waiting for the floors to be done and kitchen needs renovation, but it is my home. And sure, I hated it for the last two days, when I was scrubbing old dirt and whatever else is there from the floors, I am still excited to having my own home. It even smells differently..

Work's been good. I am still making mistakes and learning from them, finding new things to be interested and new challenges to keep me motivated. All is good. 

And Vienna was amazing. Oh yes, did I not tell you? I went to Vienna for a long weekend. It was raining, it was shining, it was old and it was different. We had a lovely holiday. Kind of. Since we were walking about a million miles a day. Countless cafes, great pastries, very nice wineries and very good beer - what else could you want from the city. Great classical concerts for free? You got it. Amazingly nice and efficient waitress in crowded food market? Well, of course.

Overall experience from Vienna - approved. You should go and check it out yourself. 

Off Topic

I just got a mental reminder - by around this time I would have ended my Camino walk. Sure, many amazing things happened while Camino was put on hold, but I still cannot help but wonder - would I be different now? Would the walk have made a change?

I guess now we'll never know. Or at least for now we won't know.

We still got the deal, world, remember? I get to walk the walk. You get to... I don't know what you want still, but I am ready to provide. 

°Sincere, caramel, champagne, down drain°

If a few `if's` have become facts, I would have been in France right now. At around this hour I would have probably been settling in the hostel or maybe having a beer in a nearby bar trying to get my thoughts in order and getting myself mentally ready for the road.

Instead the `if's` changed into `oh wells` and I am back in Copenhagen, getting ready to sleep, because tomorrow is an important day at work. Just like the one that was today. Just like the one that will be the day after tomorrow.

My passion for a backpack, an unknown path and a fresh breath of adventure will have to wait. El camino will have to stay silently or wildly without me and I will have to be a responsible adult.

Funny. I was supposed to start a solo walk of 700 kilometers tomorrow. Now, however, I am in the progress of buying an apartment. Two sides of the same coin?

They say everything happens for a reason. And I never doubted for a second of course. Never have I regretted my decision to take the job. That thought never even crossed my mind. But I still cannot help but miss that walk. And I have never even walked it.

Let's make a deal, shall we? I will come back to the casino at the end of the world. And I will sit at the poker table, next to a two-headed green monster. But you will help me win that one hand. And I will get to walk. If not El camino, then some other camino. But the world will see Ms. Too-long-of-a-surname backpacking again.

°Is this the end?°

And just like that I went from an Elite failure to an Elite successor. I found a job! Sure, that means I have to postpone Camino de Santiago that I was actually really looking forward to, even if a little insecure about my capabilities of finishing it on my own two feet, but this was one of those offers you just don't want to say no to.

A great company, a good package of benefits, good position with lots of opportunities and space for learning, challenging myself and waiting for a constant change. I managed.

And I am not the only one. My unemployed recently found friend got a job as well. After long winter days, finding a place you can see yourself in, is actually really awarding. A new page, a new perspective, a new opportunity and so here we go, heels included. Definitely.

And I have finally finished with my dental problems. Two teeth extracted, two fixed and I am free of dental chair for the next 6 months! Woohoo. It is, I guess important to mention, that this whole thing in the end cost me twelve hundred Danish krones, which really is just a drop in the ocean comparing to the regular prices of the services in the country. I don't know if I was lucky or just people were willing to help me, but I managed to get a spot in the dental school. And if I ever have a chance, I will return.

Karma, brushed and cleaned, with new shiny shoes, ready to go and spread the joy.

Now it is time to raise the goals for myself:
-Improve my foreign languages skills;
-Improve my computer skills and pick up photography again;
-Challenge myself to the sewing;
-Find a house. And make it a home.


I am afraid, of course, but I think I am growing up.
Is that even possible?




Off Topic

Tonight I want something special. Jelapeno/chicken pasta, cherry pie with mint tea and an endless conversation. I will make it, if you buy the ticket. We'll find a way, won't we?

°You could tell the difference°

Who knew that twix can be a dangerous chocolate bar? And there I was, watching some stupid or good TV show, having an evening dessert before my next long and hopefully promising day and then suddenly - cracking sound, pain in my gums and a big explosion in my head, basically meaning `what the hell?!?!` I looked at it and the view was not comforting at all. Around 1/3 of one of my teeth cracked. Sure, I panicked, and the fact that I have an interview the very next day did not help at all.

I nailed the interview though. I was invited to a second one. And I believe that the second one went great as well. Now we are just playing the waiting game. Tik tak tik tak. Time will pass. Will I?

The tooth story I took down to the dental school - cheaper, you see. They gave me `encouraging` news - my corpsie broken tooth needs o be extracted. Good news was - they are able to do that in the school so it does not cost me a fortune. I had to see that coming. The not so good news is - operation of 2 hours, 5 or so stitches and still uncomfortable feeling after. I cannot wait for it to get back to normal.

Everything else is right now a little on pause. And in the next few days things may change a lot. May change just a little. Or may bring some chaos. The good part of it is, no matter how it is turning, at least I got my pillow.

Wish me luck. And whisper me a little miracle.

Off Topic

I realized something yesterday. You grew up. And you learned to distance yourself, you learned to keep it to yourself. Maybe it is for the best, but I am missing my friend.

°Caramel shaped teddy bears°

I moved. Again. Sure, one would say that is the Murphy's law that the first night I was in my new place, a hitman who killed two people and injured five policemen was killed fairly close to my new home. It is still a little strange bike in the streets here in the neighborhood thinking which corner is which.

But well, I got new home. I also got an interview in a very interesing and exciting company fot a job I know I can do and do well. Everything seems to me getting in order.

When why do I feel like Billie Myers?

I tried to make macarons again. Why do I even bother? They never come out the way they should. Or the way I want them to. Am I asking too much? It was a failure. I was promised they taste still good, so I guess I got that going for me.

Will you still love me?

Off Topic

I feel like I am being punished. And maybe I am. And maybe I deserve that. It's just.. is it worth it?

I know you will.. I know you will.. I know that you will.

°Black Hole Sun°

My week did not have the best start. I forgot the keys to my bike lock and I only realized that in front of my school, about 25 minutes away from the place I call home for the time being. After some contemplation I have decided to throw some money to the problem, buy a crappy lock [still a lock though!] and concentrate on what I came here to do. To look for a future working place. It was going well, I managed to send in two applications, before my computer decided it is time for him to restart. Little did I know that he will take my password away.

So here I am, sitting in front of it, waiting for a friend who also happens to have my password, getting hungrier and hungrier by the minute and still no internet to use. Which gives me an opportunity to think things through. I have to say - I really don't need that right now.

I need not to think. And yet, I have to.

I really have no idea how I got here. Never was my intentions to mess it all up like that. I am going back again and again in my mind and it still does not give me the answers I need. I know I did wrong, but my intentions were good. Like in that saying, that I always had a feeling I will understand one day `Intentions were good, but the results were bad`. Now where do I go? How do I make things right? Which buttons to I press and what gestures do I put on the table?

All I wanted was to get back to the casino at the end of the world. Sit at a poker table one last time. See the roulette spin one last time. Make the last bet. Not even a bet, just leave it on the table and walk away. Happy in a way, that I do not owe anything to that casino anymore. And close the door.

My Monday contemplations got interrupted as my friend came by with even a worse beginning of the week. My mouth shut right away and will to complain vanished. And after some quality time at school I headed home.

It was a very nice evening with a lot of Coldplay, really good lasagna [even if I say so myself], some good movies and a sudden realization that I may have damaged the best thing that has ever happened to me. I need to find a way to fix it. I need to speak up. I just find it a mission impossible to find the right timing and the right wording.

One can only hope Coldplay is not always right.

°Little talks°

I have been struggling with my homelessness in the last week and I could not decide how to feel about it. I have amazing people around me who are going the extra mile to help me, but I cannot help but feel homeless. And even though I am thankful for everything, that little beast inside of me is going crazy and trying to get out.

<>

Just yesterday I had an interview for a place and a position that I really really REALLY want. I am still not completely confident about how it went, I am usually very critical for myself and always find my weak spots, but I honestly hope that they managed to notice my bit wish to get it, my potential to be a good asset to a company and my willingness to do anything to get that position.

<>

It is time to take a moment, breath in, breath out, not allow myself to have another heart attack and keep my optimistic mind in set. I do not have the luxury to give up. I cannot stop believing. And even if I see it slipping from my hands, I am not allowed not to try. 

<>

°Looks like we made it°

One year older. And not a tiny bit wiser.
The story of my life. When will I learn?

Entering 30 left me homeless, jobless and even more -less. Of course, I have amazing people around me who are willing to help me, finding cars and time to help me move, offering me their home and couches for unlimited amount of time, even offering a room for a little longer so I don't feel like a completely useless homeless and jobless.

I'm in a big need of a miracle. OR just a good luck. Or anything. Something to know that whatever I am doing is not for nothing.

On the other hand, my birthday was one of the best in my life. So far. We went clay pigeon shooting. Out of 25 I managed to hit a few. It kind of did not matter that much, it was just an amazing sunny day, great company and awesome trainer, so in the end, even if most of my clay pigeons flew untouched, I felt like a winner.

On my actual birthday I had to work and then got some unpleasant experience while looking for a place to live, but soon it did not matter, when I got a full service in a small and cozy, very Italiany restaurant, full of Italian tasty dishes, pizzas, wine, even sparkling wine and, of course, tiramisu for the dessert. I even got cards, yes, not one card, many of them, gifts, flowers, a walk along the Nyhavn. It was amazing.

And the moments like that give me strength not to give up, to try again, and even if fail, try again.

I guess I did become a tiny bit wiser after getting a little older. I am no longer allow myself to become pessimistic. No longer have the ability or luxury for it. I have to believe, because that is the only thing that I got left.

  

°Reckless future truth°

I had another weirdly real and exceptionally detailed dream last night. And I wanted to write it down, as many of those details as I could possibly remember, but just as all of the other dreams, half of it faded away by the time I opened my first eye. I probably don't even have to tell you what happened when I opened my second eye. By the time I was awake enough to grab a pen and my notebook, I only could write a few sentences. A paragraph at best. The storm have faded and so did my dream.

Can't help but feel a little disappointed. 

Once again, I cannot stop listening to this song:

It gives me chills. It saddens me instantly. Sounds so familiar yet so distant.

°Setting fire to our insides for fun

Collecting names of the lover that went wrong

The lovers that went wrong°

I guess I should consider myself a lucky one. Because you caused. It has always been you.

°To distract our hearts from ever missing them.

But I'm forever missing him°

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I am going to walk the Camino de Santiago. Already got one-way ticket to the place. Hopefully there is no turning back. Maybe this time I will literally walk it out. Finally.

Off topic

It may have been a big mistake or the best decision of my life. And I might never know which one it is. But I feel like this time I am not only older, I may have become a little wiser as well. It is time to pay my respects. It is time give back what isn't mine anymore.

°New Years. New Challenges. New Sounds°

I had to take a second look at the last post's date. Has it really been that long? Turns out after finishing my long lasting studies I have been trying to escape online life. And just enjoy the outside. Which worked quite well and the time I had was nice and simple.

I took off three times in a mean time. Once - Italy, little bit of Rome, Florence and Pisa, then Lithuania - having my little Christmas with my mom, a little shopping, few beers in B.O., running here and there trying to squeeze all of my friends for at least a little meeting. The last take off was pretty recent one and very much waited for. It was The arctic circle - Tromso.

I have wanted to go there for as long as I knew about it, about aurora borealis and lots of snow. And this time I made it happen. We had it all - we had a very warm welcome, we had a fantastic Christmas dinner, we had snowstorms and I have finally enjoyed the really white white Christmas, we did dog sledge riding, we saw killer whales going up and down for herring, we even had an amazing company for New Years celebration that I at least ended at 5a.m.

It's been a very good and promising beginning of the year. Hopefully the year will be just as good. Lots of adventures, lots of travelling, promising job and many many joyful occasions to smile until it hurts.

And many more `things to do before I die` to be crossed off the list.