°Time was a wave, almost cruel in its relentlessness°

 I'm losing it. And it sucks.

Everything is going exactly as it's been going on every single time and I am still somehow surprised when it takes that turn, where I am losing is. Surprised that it sucks even though I really shouldn't be.

Turning yet another page, except, I don't think I'm ready. Getting kind of emotional. Regardless if I am ready or not, I am losing it. 

It's okay though. End is part of the process, part of the end.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From the books:

“Life is such a strange thing, she thinks, once she has stopped laughing. Even after certain things have happened to them, no matter how awful the experience, people still go on eating and drinking, going to the toilet and washing themselves - living, in other words. And sometimes they even laugh out loud. And they probably have these same thoughts, too, and when they do it must make them cheerlessly recall all the sadness they'd briefly managed to forget.”

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ºGrumpy. Angry. Stupid. How long since last sleep, question?º

"And into the water I went, to lose my mind and to find my soul". I’m butchering John Muir’s quote of course. Or maybe I am just adapting it to my own level of madness and my own level of comfort. One way or another I suppose I am helping him, in case someone sees it, finds it interesting, looks him up and then voila, a new fan is uncovered.

I’m lying, surely. As much as I do like diving, it scares me and it doesn’t make me whole. It’s scary and it’s rewarding, and it’s hard to explain, but it makes me feel alive. Petting that fish was still one of the best experiences in my life. Next stop - touching an octopus!

I remembered you, which was out of the blue and sort of weird. Still no clue what caused it, and looking back - I was a champ! I was honest, I was open, I did not take no crap. The only thing I could maybe be regretful about was that I let you off the hook too quickly. Oh well, that just means I did not stoop to your level. Good on me *pats own back*.

It was a good experience, while it lasted. Short lived, nonetheless good.

I really am that good … of a person.

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“You’re doing it again” - part of me is smirking at the remaining me, judging.

She’s right, of course. I know it, she knows it, anyone who knows me on that level knows it.. Except, is there anyone out there who knows me on that level?.. You might.

I am doing it again. Following the same pattern, falling on the same path, doing the same thing. Only idiots are doing the same expecting a different result - who said that? I guess that makes me an idiot. Oh well.

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From the books:

“I penetrated the outer cell membrane with a nanosyringe."

"You poked it with a stick?"

"No!" I said. "Well. Yes. But it was a scientific poke with a very scientific stick.”

And yes - you should definitely read this one!

 Twice in the past few days I somehow managed to sneak into one of those ‘Hi, my

name is Pandora and welcome to my unboxing video’ videos. And oh boy, did we unpack.

It’s almost as if we opened a can of worms and instead of there being a ‘can worth’ number

of worms, it was thousands, millions even. Good luck trying to catch them all (like

Pokemon!).

Two very different unboxing, but both equally unnerving. I’m almost back on earth, back on

my feet, and still.. I shiver.

The first box was bound to get opened sooner or later. It just sits there, somewhat

uncomfortably between the aisles and the shelves, it was destined to be knocked down by

some immature creature and unboxed. I never did expect Pandora and her sharp little

fingers. It took me a few days, but I caught all the worms (or at least the ones that wanted to

be caught), put them back in the box and.. closed it. It took me by surprise just how easy that

was. I put it back on a shelf and walked away. And I know, it will get knocked down and

unbox again, maybe several times, but I’m prepared for that. It’s like a ritual that we need to

go through from time to time, to make sure that all the pieces still fit.

And did they fit this time, did you check, Pandora?

From the books:

“If I had a box full of all the evils of the world, I'd open it just a little way and push you inside.

Then I'd close it again for always.”

The second box was destined to get me. No kidding there even was a burnt message on a

side. It just said ‘GETHER”. But as this is my story, we all know who ‘her’ is in this scenario.

And the thing is, it did not hold a surprise, not anymore, but it remained unclear whether this

is the whole truth now, or just a half? Will more truth come out later, is there anything at

the bottom of this box that needs scraping? The thing is, I might never know. And I should

follow your advice, the one that helped me get back on track when I thought my live has

crashed and burned. But it is hard to let go. Maybe if all the truth comes out, there will be no

way back. Or maybe there will be? I am ready to risk it, let it go, deal with the consequences.

‘Come get me demons, take me home’. But Pandora is smiling and is not unboxing all the

way. From the angle she is holding a box I cannot see if this is just an attempt to torture me,

because the box is empty, or is Pandora trying to protect me by hiding something. Something

that would send my life crashing and burning one more time. I say one, but who knows many

more times she has in mind.

‘Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional’.

It just caught me off guard, that’s all. I have let most of it go, and it wasn’t hurting anymore.

So it comes as a bit of a surprise that it still manages to cause pain. But if we have managed

all of that, we will manage this as well, eh world?

I come to the Casino at the End of the World just as Pandora is leaving. Boxless, which I

thought was kind of ironic. Where are you going to hide all your cheating cards, girl? You’ve

got no sleeves!

Once I’m inside I cannot seem to make up my mind. Which game to play, which table to

choose. Should I gamble? I feel old and everyone in here feels too young to be here. But if I

still want to gamble, do I need to find another Casino? I check around, metaphorically, the End

of the World, and there is not much to choose from.

Boxless Pandora may have gotten it right this time.

From books:

“Let me finish my beer.

Of course. The end of the world can wait.”

ºWish for something moreº

 I am sooooooo freaking happy!

I was walking home today at 6 a.m. with a smile on my face. Just happy. Just. 

I have spent my night with a dear friend talking of everything and nothing at the same time. Just reminiscing about the old days, new days, old relationships, current relationships, friendships, friends and so much more.

I am just happy. And young enough to still be able to come home after 7 a.m. with a smile on my face and grateful for my life. Just in general. Happy and grateful. 

It's everything that's beautiful.

From songs: 

Nothing is wasted and life is worth living

Heaven is nowhere, just look to the stars

There is a day that is yours for embracing

Everything's nothing, and nothing is ours

I always appreciated it, but it is nice to reassure yourself with a good people and amazing nights (and mornings!). Such a good night..

From memories:

I want to thank you for never making me to do a shame walk. As I walked home today at the time of 'shame of walk' usually happens I remembered you. I never had a feeling of shame walking when I was with you. It's nice, because it's so rare, but it's extra nice because it should be a standard. 

I still sometimes think of you and from the bottom of my heart I hope you are doing well. You are a good person and I can only hope you are realizing that you are.

I know you loved me. Even if you won't admit it now, even to yourself. Some things cannot be faked. And it 's okay. I loved you too.

I know you still love me. In some hidden, forgotten way, taken away by life turns, but it's okay. As long as you are true to yourself and still happy. Because if you are happy, I am too, for you. The tree might be gone (who would have thought?), but the feeling stays. There's too much there to just die into silence.

I don't want to die into the silence.

It may have taken me some time, but it got there. I got true to myself and it has left me content. Real kind of content. I can only wish the same for you, but I cannot grant it.

From the casino at the end of the world:

The bets were placed quite a while ago. Some of us lost, some of us won. I bet on a red this time and you know what? I won. 

ºChaotic Harmonyº

 A friend has asked me recently if I am still writing and I had to admit that it’s been a while. Then I opened this blog and it’s been almost a year. Almost a year of so many things to happen, quite a few trips, lots of pictures taken, many emotions were felt and yet, still no writing. I like to say that I do not have time for it, when in fact, it’s not the time, it’s more the timing. The timing and the fact that it’s been a while my heart’s been broken.

I used to carry a notebook with me everywhere I went. So when a thought popped into my head I was able to write it down, put my words onto paper and now I don’t even own a notebook. So the thoughts pop in, pop out and by the time I am in front of the computer, they fade away like yesterday’s jam.

But the more real reason I am writing so sporadically these days, is because most of my writing came mostly from a broken heart. I do not consider myself an artist, but I do understand how so much art is full of pain, smells of heartache, is filled with tears and negative emotions. I guess this means I have been quite happy recently. And that should kindle some joy.

From the books:

“If you can love someone with your whole heart, even one person, then there's salvation in life. Even if you can't get together with that person.”

I miss my trips to the casino at the end of the world. I miss solo travels. I even miss the heartbreaks sometimes. Not in a sense that I would like to be hurt or that life only has meaning if I feel hurt, but I miss being able to express myself in writing more often than not.

“Don’t date a girl who travels. She’s the one with the messy hair, coloured by the sun. Her soul craves for new experiences and adventures”

I remember them sometimes. A strange detail of the day will bring the weirdest memory, something that has not been hidden, but was sitting in plain sight completely unnoticed for whatever reason, not even an important one, but completely forgotten. I like it. I used to like taking a walk down memory lane, where I would walk those corridors for hours, remembering the smell, the touch, the kiss or the conversation. It’s been a while since I took that tour and I guess it has missed me, because it likes to leave crumbs of them here and there for me to notice, for me to remember and smile. Because it’s never the bad memory, and even if it is a bad one, it doesn’t sting. I suppose this is why I always loved those “Before XXX” movies. It’s a shame they missed the window and did not create the 4th one.

From the movies:

“You know what's the worst thing about somebody breaking up with you? It's when you remember how little you thought about the people you broke up with and you realize that is how little they're thinking of you. You know, you'd like to think you're both in all this pain but they're just like "Hey, I'm glad you're gone".”

°Pitch black flesh°

 Sometimes I wish I could record and review my dreams. Even the weird ones, bad ones, terrifying ones or just plain boring. Each one of them is a story that I feel I could write, yet by the time my eyes are only half open, the dream has already slipped away. And the story that could be written, slips away with it.

 

I miss writing sometimes. And while I know that my writing is mostly for myself and not so interesting for the wider groups, I still like it. As a coping mechanism, as a way of expression, as a safe space to run away and hide. It also serves as a great substitute for closure, when the real one is not available. Not a perfect substitute, but it helps to ease the pain. It also helps to minimize the suffering. I keep reminding myself that pain is inevitable, and suffering is optional, but I haven’t found the best way to eliminate the suffering all together. And so I write, because it helps.

 

I know I’m way overdue for the Casino at the end of the world paragraph, but truth to be told, I am not in that part of my life where it is visitable. Part of me misses it. No matter how risk averse that game is and how much potential (I say potential, but in truth it’s very much expected and almost guaranteed) pain (and suffering!) it brings, it makes me feel alive, it gives me new way to suffer, and it gives me strength to keep going. Which is abnormal, but it does. I know I’m not the only one like that. I just don’t think I am enough like that to voluntarily drown in it and not consider boring aspects of my life enjoyable too.

From books: No one listens anymore. I can't talk to the walls because they're yelling at me. I can't talk to my wife; she listens to the walls. I just want someone to hear what I have to say. And maybe if I talk long enough, it'll make sense. And I want you to teach me to understand what I read.

If there is anything I learned from all that mess is that I am more of a rule than an exception. And I learned to live with it. And it’s fine, honestly. The whole “I’m not like the other girls” is so toxic and it’s been brought on to us by years and years of teaching how you are not good enough.

I can now say that I am not an exception, I am nothing extraordinary special, all I am trying to do is to make myself happy. That’s it. And honestly, it’s so much less pressure. I’ve had moments of being an exception, but so have everyone else. This is why I am completely alright with being a rule most of the time. Because in those rare, special moments, when I got to be an exception, it all smelled oh so much brighter.

From memories: When he told me he will give me a great book he just finished in exchange for Girl with dragon tattoo, I did not know what to think. I have just started taking people’s recommendations for the books, but I was still quite sceptical about it, not trusting most people. On the other hand, before kindle times, I was not in a position to be picky. Besides, if I gave him my book and did not get anything in return, I am out of books I can potentially exchange in the near future. He said it was one of the better books to read while travelling and he was not entirely wrong. I swallowed that book nearly choking on the number of quotes. It was 937 of goodness and not a very well known, at least in my circles. And then it got popular, and then everyone knew about it. And then everyone read it, and everyone felt moved. But I was an exception, who already knew the book, who already read the book and lived the book. I was an exception. It almost made me want to visit India. Emphasis on almost. It’s been 13 years, but I can still quote some of Shantaram.

ºSad charadeº

 I get into a habit of walking backwards and into the past. Just for a walk, just to take a stroll through the old neighborhoods, maybe a sneak peak at a window, checking out how the memory lives. I don't want to go back, make the same mistakes again or somehow fix them. I don't want to relive them, I just like remembering. And more often than not, new details come back, new little tingles pop up and besides reminding me, shines a new light on it. Sometimes it makes me realise that there was nothing I could have done to make things go in a different direction. It gives me a spicy calmness, which is weird, but it does make me feel better. Because I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, and I have to live with them, but did them or not, it would not have changed a damn thing. 

And then it's better.

From books:

Nobody listens anymore. I can't talk to the walls because they're yelling at me, I can't talk to my wife; she listens to the walls. I just want someone to hear what I have to say. And maybe if I talk long enough it'll make sense. And I want you to teach me to understand what I read.

I have to learn to let you go. Not to learn, just to let you go. I have to give myself permission to let you go, because, clearly, you let me go a while ago. I know I understand the concept of letting go, I’ve done that in the past. And I understand the benefits of letting you go. I just can’t seem to convince myself to allow myself to let you go. I think I just really like you. As a person, as a friend, as someone to hug and hold, climb a tree and drink a beer, share a story or eleven, open up and talk about what makes one vulnerable. Mostly I am finding it difficult to let you go, because to me, you are the concept of “hold my hand” and that is very precious to me. I know that this concept was birthed before your time and had another person attached to it. But it grew, developed and blossomed with you in mind. And I don’t think I want to lose a hope to ever have a chance of you holding my hand again. As you once promised you always will.

ºFluffy Comebackº

I don’t know if Murakami is a misogynist. I do not like how he obsesses over breasts or portrays women in his books, but aside from that, I really like his way of writing. Maybe it is too big of a thing to put aside.

​I saw a whale shark. And right before that I saw you. It made me wonder if you still have it, to which of course I know the answer. No. I remembered you, which I thought was weird. Since that painful goodbye I actually got what they call closure and I was done. It wasn’t my fault then and it wasn’t my fault now. I wish I knew that then. The glass shattered and everything became lighter. 

I saw a whale shark. And now we're even.

We were more alike than I would have liked to admit. Not the first time, nor the last. If we met at a different time, at a different place, around different people, we could have been friends. Who knows though, I tried that again and it worked out the same way. So maybe I just dodged a bullet. I don’t dislike you anymore. It may have been a little cruel thing to do, but why would you have cared? You did what you had to do. I get it.

At times I miss my single life. But when I get my single life back, I find myself missing you.

 

Final Chapter: When you run out of words, not time.

It's hard to get out once you've sunk it, no matter if it is the good kind of sinking or bad. I've sunk and I still feel slight high because of it. So many things have changed, so many thoughts ran through my head and yet, there you are. Still. As if nothing changed and as if this is what was supposed to happen. Just like my casino at the end of the world, except completely different. You understand.

Aotearoa [or New Zealand] is now at the very top of that "best countries overall and the ones I want to go back" list for me now. It has everything and even more to offer and you could not feel more welcome than there. People are nice. Genuinely nice. You can have a chit chat with a supermarket cashier and she/he will be smiling back honestly. The nature, given good weather is breath taking and so different just a few hours of driving from one to another. Rich in all kinds of outdoor activities, especially walking, camping, exploring... I could go on.

Once I got to Niue, I realized what a paradise island actually is, especially when it is not cramped with tourists and other loiterers. One week, almost half of that raining, but nothing but brilliant - swimming in the water holes or caves, snorkeling where you are not afraid to drift deep and far into the ocean, little hiking so reach some unspoiled and amazing creations of nature and then read endlessly books, while having a glass of wine and watching the extraordinary sunset or rain falling down from your roof. 

Indonesia came and went like a confusing dream, since half the time I was drunk on happiness and the other half I was busy doing this or that or... well.. nothing. Still considering the state of mind, still managed to see a lot, experience quite a bit and explore some, once again, unspoiled corners of this highly touristy country, and not exactly fall in love, but definitely get to liking of the place.

And then there was Australia. The place that confused me the most. On the one hand, I really wanted to see and explore it all. On the other, I was having a very hard time concentrating on anything that was happening around me, because.... well, you. Anyways, with the limited amount of time and lots and lots of flying back and forth I have managed to see a lot, to experience quite a bit, to meet some new people or re-visit the old ones and have a really great time. 

And now I am back. Straight to a different type of adventure. Something I have never done before. I guess you're still young, if you still got first times up your sleeve.


Off Topic

World, what do you still have up your sleeve?

Chapter eleven (!!!): Aotearoa and it's magical powers.

I've sunk in. I came to New Zealand and I forgot everything [except you]. The regular world ceased to exist, only the limitless beauty and excitement of this magical land. It took me a total of a few hours and despite not so great weather I knew that this is the land I want to live in. Sure, just like every other place in the world, it has it's own problems and issues, but the nature, the people.. 

It almost makes me leave my negative and angry personality behind the closed port and come back to being a positive person some people still remember I am capable of being.

Everywhere you go, there's nature and smiling people. Making small talk, smiling at you, sharing their advice and experiences, dealing with the world so beautifully, you cannot help but feel envy. It simply is amazing.

*             *                *

Off Topic

I've reached the moment of a wrapping regret. Well not regret per say, but a moment of realization, sad reality that I cannot have it all and I will not be able to have it all. I was walking around Wanaka in an "almost raining" kind of weather listening to Regina Spektor's "All the rowboats" and almost literally could feel my body open up and me, the real me, that little girl, full of anxious wish to travel and never settle, came out of the shell of a body I have been torturing with numerous tracking days. I want to be free, yet those days are now counted. Literally too, I have a countdown app on my phone that gently informs me how much time I got left. I made the decision to give up freedom all by myself, freely and I know it is not the wrong decision, I've given it a lot of thought. I know what is waiting for me is so good, it almost make me choke on that thought, but I still cannot help but wonder.. "Don't date a girl who travels <..> and if you fall in love with one, let her go"

It seems that this mindset should take me to the casino at the end of the world, but I am nowhere near it. Casino has been deserted for a while, no one daring or even being curious enough to step in. Instead I am in a field of perennials, surrounded by the sun kissed purple, pink and yellow blossoms and I have an urge to fly.

But this will probably fade away just as soon as I realize that this flight will never take me back to my happy place, so I just collapse my wings instead.

This still is not the end of my story.

*             *                  *

If he really loves you, he will let you wear a white dress.

.Chapter ten: Do one thing that scares you, every day: The majestic Annapurna.

Kids, do what I did. Go trek the Annapurna. Circuit or Base camp or any of them, really. The mountains are breathtaking and it's not that difficult [not until you hit the high altitudes anyways]. 

So after Goris I got back to Yerevan, same hostel, same city. I met my newly found Ukrainian/Canadian friend and we enjoyed one last day of the beers and talking.

The next day I went to a monastery, one of the oldest ones in the world where some saint was locked in the basement for 13 years or so some long time ago. This is where I experienced how kind and hospitable people can be without wanting anything from you. They gave me hope again that maybe not everyone wants something from me. I took a bus that dropped me off on a side of the road and I still had to walk about 6 kilometers to the monastery. Half way after walking on a motor road I took a side path through the wineries and this is where it happened. I saw a bunch of grape pickers having lunch and said hello. They said hello back and insisted I joined them for lunch. They gave me everything - bread, cheese, grapes, you name it. They also made me take pictures with them and we agreed I will send them to them later that day. I just left them and no more then 10 minutes later another group of grape pickers called me in for a lunch as well. I wasn't hungry, but it is almost impossible to say no. They gave me even more food and even more food to take with. I had a full bag of food and great, so full that is broke in the end.

I finally made my way to the monastery, walked around and started walking back. One of the groups I had lunch with stopped with their van and gave me a ride back to the road where I then waited for the bus and got back to Yerevan.

The next day I got on a plane and flew to Dubai. Dubai was never high on my list for a visit, but since I have a friend living there and I was flying through it anyways, I decided to spend a few days there. It was better than I expected, but then again, because of people, not because of the concrete jungle you face when you get there. 

We walked in the old town, visited gold market [where they do not sell gold bars, so disappointing], we refreshed with ice coffees, visited Abu Dhabi's huge mosque, walked a little in the city center, walked the Marina back in Dubai, talked and caught up a lot. It's been two days only, but it's been a nice break from a usual backpacking kind of life style. 

And then there was Kathmandu. Completely different vibe from Dubai as you can probably expect. Full of people, full of traffic, lots of dirt and sand and trash all around. It took me a while to go through the passport control and visa dealing and once I was out I had to take a taxi to the hostel. I spent two days in Kathmandu trying not to die in the insane traffic they have here, getting permits for the trek, buying sleeping bag and other stuff I will need for the trek. I even met this guy in a hostel who decided he wanted to join me for the Annapurna circuit trek and after two days of the heavy air in the capital, we took a bus to Besishahar where we started the trek.

The bus ride was supposed to be around 6 hours, but it took us 12. Apparently someone decided to make some construction work the night before without telling anyone and so we were stuck in an enormous traffic jam in Kathmandu for 4-5 hours. So once we got in, it was already dark and too late to start the trek, plus it was raining, so we just ran to the first "hotel" we could see and called it a night. There were five of us there - me, US guy I met who decided to join me, two dutch guys and an obnoxious and annoying German girl who ditched her guide half way through the bus ride, for the single reason of: "well, no one else in a bus have a guide, so..". The next day dutch guys took a jeep, as they were short with time and the three of us started our walk where I was determined to ditch the German girl at out earliest convenience. I know what you are thinking - and it's not just me who disliked her. Everyone wanted to get rid of her. Good thing she decided to ditch herself the first day, when we wanted to continue and she wanted to stay in the village we reached at around 2.30 p.m.

We did 4 long first days, walking 20+ kilometers each day and going up to Manang which lays at 3500 meters elevation. It was tiring, but good four days, as you start in the hot weather, jungle kind of scenery full of rice fields and sun and heat, slowly moving to more rocky landscapes with the snowy peaks of Annapurna 2, 3 and 4. It was a good workout, but not impossible. Like I say, if I can do it, everyone can.

In Manang, due to the altitude and because it was intense days, we took a rest day, doing basically nothing. All I managed that day is to buy a hat, a cable for my phone and read my book. It was a good day and well needed rest as after that, the altitude started to kick in.

The next two days we were walking slowly, ascending modestly and walking only 3-4 hours a day. I was terrified and paranoid about the altitude sickness that I had in Bolivia, so I was very keen on going as slow as possible. The last day before the pass, we got to Thorong Pedi, the place at around 4600 meters in altitude, but decided to climb up to the High Camp just so the bodies can get used to it. I got a throbbing headache due to the altitude and even though it disappeared towards the end of the day, I was afraid that if it comes back, I may need to do another rest day and acclimatize better before going to the pass. 

The night was sleepless and I did wake up with a headache, but seeing how it wasn't terrible, we took off at 6 a.m. And these next 5 kilometers and 1 kilometer in altitude were the hardest in the trip. We were ascending slowly and painfully, with each step trying to catch our breaths. We met some girls from Israel, one of them having worse AMS than me [mine was still just a headache] and it made me feel a little better about myself - maybe I can do this after all? So we slowly walked those 5 kilometers in 4.5 hours when we saw that big sign of "congratulations, you are at the Thorong La pass, altitude 5416" and suddenly adrenaline took over, we forgot the tiredness and headaches and enjoyed our 10 minutes fame on the pass. 

After that - big decent down, quite steep and really not so good for the knees. This is where my trekking partner got a really bad knee, so instead of a planned place to sleep, we picked the first village we found and the next day we separated ways - I kept walking and he took a bus to Pokhara. It was a wise thing to do - knees are not a joke.

I walked for two days, going about 25 kilometers a day until I came one of the lowest spots in the trek - Tatopani, a village full of people who are trekking Annapurnas or Poonhill. Good thing would have been to take a rest day there, but I kind of wanted to finish, so I decided against it. The next day - 2 kilometers elevation to the almost top of the Poonhill was painful. Both mentally and physically, but I made it in good time, got myself a place to sleep and promised myself I will go those extra 300 meters to the top of the hill for the sunrise and the views. It wasn't the best sunset I have seen, but it was definitely worth a climb. 

Shortly after that and breakfast I went down - again 2 kilometers in the altitude and man, that is no good for the legs.. It is doable though and it is doable in one day as I started around 8 a.m. and I was in a bus to Pokhara already at 2.15 p.m. 

The bus ride would be short if roads were of at least normal shape, but they aren't. So it took us I think 2.5 hours to drive 40 kilometers or so before I was dropped off on the side of the road and went to my hostel. In Pokhara, and I am not ashamed to say this, I did nothing for two days. My legs felt wooden and I was tired and I needed some rest and time to regain my strength. I could have made one of few small treks up the temple, but I decided against it. I have already been to Annapurna, I have already trekked for 13 days, I have had enough for this time. 

And here I am now, back in Kathmandu, doing the things I have to prepare myself for the next steps of my trip. I applied for Australian visa, still afraid of buying tickets in case something goes wrong, I sent a package home with some trekking gear and some gifts for the family, I walked around the busy Kathmandu and enjoy their many delicious foods and I am planning/researching my next destinations of secretly craving for a McDonald's burger. 

I have done it. Annapurna circuit was on top of my list for a very long time. My fear, if I can make it or not was fully alive with me the whole time and kept me from thinking about anything else. But I have done it and I have done it in good time. I feel like I can be proud of myself and I feel that I can keep going. It may have started for the wrong reasons, but it ended in a best possible mindset. I am free and I am happy. 

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OFF Topic

I have spoken about the Casino at the end of the world recently, but my mind did not wander there, feeling like you are trapped at the roulette table, programmed to lose. I feel like I have distanced myself from it. Not intentionally, it just so happened. I am starting to believe that maybe, I am an exception, after all. 

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.Chapter Nine: The rest of Georgia and the lovely Armenia.

Kids, do not do what I did. Do not take a seat next to a child in an overnight train. The child WILL perform a projectile vomiting on parents, floor, bedding.. I could go on. But kids, do what I did and book a place to stay in advance when crossing the border. You never know when border patrol will ask for your reservation confirmation.

So, Kutaisi had the best place to stay that you could expect. Absolutely loved it, all thanks to FORREST guesthouse. Lovely hosts, super cheap, good location, nice food... I could go on. Once there you kind of don't want to go anywhere to explore anything, you just want to cozy sit there and sip your cup of tea [or wine]. 

There is not much to do in Kutaisi itself: small old town, nice central park, few churches, lots of shops - I walked it all on my first day. The second day I have visited two monasteries that were outside the city [but still close by to get a marshrutka for 1 GEL - 33 EUR cents]. It has beautiful landscape, even if not as exciting as Svaneti for example, but they really are working with what they have. In the evening we had a dinner and wine with Nick, as this was his last night in Europe, he is off to Australia to do a 5-6 weeks walk [good luck, Nick!]

On the second day I went to the Prometheus cave. Nothing to do with actual Prometheus, they just named it like that so more tourists would come. No joke - our guide actually told us that. Anyways, the cave was nice - I probably seen better in my life, but it was very well kept and organized that it made it easy to walk around and enjoy all the stalactites and stalagmites [and the third ones I always forget]. Once back in the hostel I have met three Czechs that came to Kutaisi and later on a Polish girl came back from her trip. We ended up having a nice discussion and evening together, I even made the Czechs to change their mind and do a Mestia-Ushguli trek instead of just taking a car to Mestia and then later to Ushguli. I tried to get them all the information they may need and they seemed very impressed by me (you should be a guide AND you are incredibly brave woman AND so on). Lovely people, indeed.

The next day they all went to the same cave I was just last day and I took marshrutka to Batumi. Batumi reminded me both of Palanga and Odessa and other similar beachy place, mostly for Russians. It was so full of Russians that almost no one spoke any other languages. I spent two days there doing not much - wondering around, swimming in the sea, sitting in a park reading a book or taking pictures of the lovers statue that is supposed to be a moving statue, but of course, it was broken at the time I was there. Brilliant. 

Then I took an overnight train to Yerevan. Yes, the same one where the kid performed a projectile vomiting. Good thing she did not vomit on a border patrol or there would have been a price to pay. 

And then Yerevan. I walked most of it in one day. Little stroll through the city center, to the cascades [no one told me there are lifts, so I was climbing the stairs, like a regular person], to the main monument [something about the Soviets, but cannot really remember what] and to the amusement park that also has mother of Armenians there. The girl from the free tour in Tbilisi explained a little bit about this mother - she has a sword, but is keeping it in her hands. She is facing Turkey as if saying: I will not attack, but I will defend myself and my people. Little different approach to the Georgian that brings you wine or Russian one in Volgograd which is going to fight anyone and anything.

The second day I got myself a Canadian friend and we went to the monastery and an old temple [kind of like two day trips, we just combined into one]. She was a lot of fun, and we had a great day, but it started with a bus driver shouting at us, since we were making too much noise "quacking like chickens" and what not. It did not dampen our day, just made us laugh all the more. We got back to the hostel tired, but my new found friend wanted to cook so much, that we just bought some vegetables and made our own food that night. It was a really good food, I just need not to forget how to make it before I head back to a country of staying. But here another funny thing happened - this Iranian guy came to us - what is this? No meat? OK, one portion for me. And walked away. I mean we don't mind to share, but ask, maybe?? Anyways, in the end we gave him a portion and then some time later his wife comes: and where is mine? Well we did not give her anything. We had food, but there was a principal involved - you do not come and request. Never again!

Next day I left my new found friend and took a long trip to Goris in marshrutka. Once I came here, it greeted me with mists and later on rain. All I managed to do that day is to do a quick block around the center, food shopping and go home before it started pouring rain. So that went well.. But the next day weather seemed to have improved a little bit and I took a day trip to the village close by - where people used to live in the caves that they built up into houses. It was a little walk down through those caves, through the old church to a swinging loooong bridge, then up some stairs for the point view and back. It was an interesting experience and a good trek, even though I do prefer going up first, then down later. Back in Goris I did a similar walk in the "old Goris", basically the same kind of place, where people used to live in the caves, except this walk starts in a cemetery and that is a weird place. I used to think they give way too much space for that in Lithuania, but here you get a huge places, where you can put the entire family of maybe 16 in one spot. Plus on the stones they like to put how people looked like, with all kinds of details, for example cigarette in their hand. Clearly that is very important for the people visiting the cemetery to know that this particular person who died was smoking. 

And then the last daty in Goris I took a taxi to the longest aerial tramway in the world and rode it to Tatev. In Tatev I did a hike [first down then up, the type I dislike, but there was no other option] to and old old church towards the Devil's bridge and once back in Tatev I also visited their monastery, the place that most people went there for [a big mistake, if you ask me - the old church in the valley that is broken, but also empty from tourists is quite fascinating and in my opinion much more worth visiting than the other].

And here I am, contemplating if I deserve a dinner out tonight or not. I probably do - since I walked to much and did not complain. I saw some Gorisian food restaurant that is supposed to be cheap and good, so let me see what they got there.

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Off Topic

I am sitting here, in my casino at the end of the world, watching the life quietly happening. You are sitting so close, that not enough I see your cards, I can also see your eyelashes moving by the air conditioning created wind. You bid on me - all you had, you bid on me. Why? No one's ever done that, yet here you are, placing the highest bid without so much as a concerned frown. Who are you, stranger and why? Do you know something I am missing?

Some passing figures catch my eye, disturbing me from focusing on the game at our table. But as casino is not paying attention to them, I start to see their insignificance. They even seem to melt away. I'm focusing on this hand - I am not letting casino at the end of the world to win this time. 

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.Chapter eight: The wonders of Sakartvelo.

Kids, don't do what I did. Do not book a hostel with great reviews for a very cheap price. You will end up in the place where shower is not being cleaned for at least three days and your breakfast will not arrive because a guy who is working there was drinking until 7 a.m. and simply did not wake up to make it for you.

Sakartvelo [or Georgia, if you will] is a beautiful country, full of things to offer. On my second day in Sighnaghi I went on a wine tour with a Chinese guy from my guest house. We visited three different wineries, tasted don't know how many different wines and chachas, went to a monastery and a lake to cool down. By the time we got back, it was already time for a late dinner which we ate and called it a night - drinking wine all day gets you somewhat tired.

The next on the list - Tbilisi and it did not disappoint. An interesting capital, mix of modern and old, soviet and classic, nature and buildings. I have spent three days wondering around, visiting castle, the statue of Mother of Georgians, endless old town streets. It is really hard to describe this city, you simply have to visit it and experience what it is made of. And it is made of lots of good foods, pretty views, parks and museums. 

Three days passed really quickly and then it was my first meeting of Georgian mountains - I went to the big Mr. Kazbegi. I didn't climb this mister, I do not have enough experience or wish to do so. On the first day, since I only came in the afternoon the only thing I visited was a mineral water spring and a pool next to it. But later in a day I made a new friend, Dutch guy living in the Kiwi land for a long time, and in the evening we went out for dinner and there I made even more friends. So the next day my two new friends and I went to see the glacier. Website said that the trek was challenging and my two new friends have been climbing for way longer than I am, so I was just hoping not to die. It was a quite steep climb of 1600 meters elevation [and then we had to go down, of course]. I survived! But it took us around 9 hours in total, but we did add the little church on a hill to it and my new found friends told me I did very good for an inexperienced trekker. Me and Andre [one of my new found friends] went for a well deserved beer after the trek and then in the evening we again met up with the rest for the dinner. Next day in Kazbegi I have decided to visit a Truso valley. It was supposed to be an easy stroll walk kind of a thing of 22 kilometers and beautiful views. The valley delivered. The first part of it may have been a little boring, but once you get around the corner.. Man, it is beautiful. And to top it off at the end of it there is an old ruined fortress where two armed guys will stop you and will tell you: no go, further - border. 

After Kazbegi, just like everyone else, I also went back to Tbilisi. There I have managed to go visit the Tbilisi sea [but not in a perfect beach weather so it was only OK], public sulfur bath [note - if you are a woman DO NOT go to the public one, or else you will end up with several older Russian fattish ladies, where one of them will shave her ..mmm.. right there] and took a free walking tour, just because I thought I was missing a lot from the old town. Turns out - I did not. I visited most of the places by myself already before, but it was very useful to hear what is what and listen to more details about the things. 

And then it was finally time for my "big" walk, so test myself before I go and die while trying to walk Annapurna circuit - the famous Mestia-Ushguli walk in Svaneti area for 4 days. First I took a bus to Mestia, got myself into a hostel and spend a half lazy day, reading a book, shopping for the snacks for the tomorrow's hike, meeting with Nick for dinner and going to sleep at a fairly early hour. I have started my walk very early in the morning and probably I shouldn't have - for several reasons. First of all, I finished that day's walk at 12.15, and second of all, because I have managed to meet a Georgian old fat creep who tried to hug me [and not let go] and kiss me and so on an so forth. And we were in the middle of a trek, no people or houses around. That definitely put a damper on my walk and views. If that wasn't enough, a dog decided to harass me as well. I did not have a great first day. But, on the other hand, the views were amazing, the day was clear and sunny and once I finished with the day, I had all that time to read my book. And I spent evening with Nick and new found friends - couple from Israel.

The second day I have walked by myself again - I feel like I kind of need that in order to let my mind wander and take it's own course. It was a short, but fairly steep in climbing day, but I have managed to finish it before everyone else again and settled in the guest house waiting for the others. The night was really cold though, so in the end I went to bed at a super early hour.

On the third day we went off all together, walked a very beautiful valley up until the point where we had to cross a river. Two options - barefoot in freezing water or horse. I took a horse. I am afraid of those things, but barefoot with all my things on my back in a strong stream just did not sound like a great idea. Then we had to climb a hill which presented super views from the top. Too bad we did not have much time to enjoy them, as the cloud came on us and it started raining [with hail I may add]. So we rushed to go down as fast as we could without falling. At the bottom the sun was shinning again and then there was only a nice walk in the valley again. We split our ways there, going to different guest houses. And that night, as the sky was super clear, I have seen the most amazing sky, full of stars and clearly identifiable Milky Way in my entire life.

On the last day of the walk I reached Ushguli, a village full with one-day tourists as well and settled in the most homey guest house there is. They invited me to sit with them, gave me food [for free] and chacha [I should have said no, but they are very persistent that you drink]. The lady of the house was constantly working, but always with the smile on her face. I really enjoyed my stay there. 

And now, today, as the rain keeps pouring down, all I managed was to sit in a car [waiting for more people to go to Mestia] for few hours, then take a ride to Mestia and sit down in the hostel. There is no point going outside, because there is no outside. It's only rain and clouds and mist and more rain. 

This marks the end of my affair with Georgian mountains. Tomorrow I am off to Kutaisi, then Batumi and then, fingers crossed, directly to Yerevan. Let's see what life brings. 

.Chapter Seven: The rest of country of Fire and a glimpse at the Love city.

Kids, travelling very lightweight comes at a price. Once you lose something or something breaks, you feel a great loss for it right away. I had both. I wasn't feeling very comfortably when rejecting my taxi driver's suggestion to go to some place, spend a night there and only next day go to Ganja (weird, right?), so when I was rushed to a bus that goes to Baku I accidentally forgot my water bottle in his taxi. From that moment on until the moment I bought a new one, I felt like something was missing. Just like my necklace thingie, except that I got a tattoo for that, so I never truly really lose it anymore. Also, just my luck, but on the second day of my being in Ganja, my phone decided to stop working. It got stuck in the boot loop and as much as I tried to do for it, I was out of my own league there. 

I got lucky, but it did cost me half a day in Ganja. I first searched for a mobile phones fixing place and simultaneously for a new phone, then I left my phone with some guys for a few hours and the outcome, quite satisfying - I got my phone back, it was working, but everything in it was gone. No time to grief when you are on a road, so I took it as a big girl - shit happens and for mere 20 EUR I was happy to have my keyboard friendly phone working again.

That only left me a little time to explore the rest of Ganja, so I headed for a big park a bit on a side of a center. It's quite nice, once you go through the shitty part of it. There I've been stopped by this park guard [how you call them, again?], who was very excited to learn that I am from Lithuania and that he has friends there, because of the army times in Soviet Union. I took a bus back to the center, because the walking scenery wasn't that exciting and I figured - to hell with it. The buses in here has a bit of a different approach - you get on and you only pay when you leave. I was up in my own head I guess that when I left I completely forgot to pay. The driver did nothing though [still wondering why]. I remembered almost immediately and jumped back on a bus, said my sorry'ies, made the whole bus laughed, paid and got off again. It was a good day, still. I mean, I got my phone back and in working conditions.

The next stop was Sheki. A small town close to Georgian border, but apparently very nice. I am not sure, maybe I was in a bad mood or timing, but it did not look too nice to me. I have good time though, I visited a palace, an Albanian church, walked up and down the old town, here and there, stayed in an amazing place I will most definitely have to recommend on booking.com. On my second night the owner took me for a beer that turned into dinner and a lovely evening, so I really cannot complain, but it still was missing something..

And today I took my ride to Georgia. It was a bumpy ride, I have to say. First I needed to get to another town, where I got a very persistent old creep trying to talk to me, telling me he loves me and I should stay with him, how he will do anything, how he will buy me everything I want and how I should NOT get on that bus. It got me to a point where I was simply imagining kicking his head again and again and again. Once again, I am in a foreign country where men have the upper hand, I am in no position to tell him to fuck off and just go die already. 

The border crossing went fine and then my bus dropped me off somewhere, since I wasn't yet going to Tbilisi, but rather to Sighnaghi [better known as Love city]. I left, took my stuff, checked my map which said I would be walking far and up, so I figured I will try to get a cab. There were no cabs seen around, so I just started walking. I got really lucky, because a taxi guy with someone already in it beeped and took me in. For mere less than 2 EUR he took me to the center, very close to my hostel and I could not be more grateful for him.

Sighnaghi is very small, but I understand why it is called a Love city - it is a very cute and picturesque town with a fortress, lots of wines and even more small cozy streets to stroll in. I walked almost if all before I took a little break. I was on my way out when an owner of my hostel told me he will give a glass of wine for me [his own, I couldn't possibly said no]. Before I knew it, I got two, one red, one white and so I just sat there, enjoying the view, reading my book and drinking a quite delicious wine. I am definitely liking this Love town and so far, only the great impressions of Georgia. Way to go!

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Being in Love or being in the Love city - everyone should try it at least once. One or the other. Best both. 

Love. Sometimes Love just isn't enough. And sometimes.. Love is al you ever going to need to keep going. 

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