Twice in the past few days I somehow managed to sneak into one of those ‘Hi, my

name is Pandora and welcome to my unboxing video’ videos. And oh boy, did we unpack.

It’s almost as if we opened a can of worms and instead of there being a ‘can worth’ number

of worms, it was thousands, millions even. Good luck trying to catch them all (like

Pokemon!).

Two very different unboxing, but both equally unnerving. I’m almost back on earth, back on

my feet, and still.. I shiver.

The first box was bound to get opened sooner or later. It just sits there, somewhat

uncomfortably between the aisles and the shelves, it was destined to be knocked down by

some immature creature and unboxed. I never did expect Pandora and her sharp little

fingers. It took me a few days, but I caught all the worms (or at least the ones that wanted to

be caught), put them back in the box and.. closed it. It took me by surprise just how easy that

was. I put it back on a shelf and walked away. And I know, it will get knocked down and

unbox again, maybe several times, but I’m prepared for that. It’s like a ritual that we need to

go through from time to time, to make sure that all the pieces still fit.

And did they fit this time, did you check, Pandora?

From the books:

“If I had a box full of all the evils of the world, I'd open it just a little way and push you inside.

Then I'd close it again for always.”

The second box was destined to get me. No kidding there even was a burnt message on a

side. It just said ‘GETHER”. But as this is my story, we all know who ‘her’ is in this scenario.

And the thing is, it did not hold a surprise, not anymore, but it remained unclear whether this

is the whole truth now, or just a half? Will more truth come out later, is there anything at

the bottom of this box that needs scraping? The thing is, I might never know. And I should

follow your advice, the one that helped me get back on track when I thought my live has

crashed and burned. But it is hard to let go. Maybe if all the truth comes out, there will be no

way back. Or maybe there will be? I am ready to risk it, let it go, deal with the consequences.

‘Come get me demons, take me home’. But Pandora is smiling and is not unboxing all the

way. From the angle she is holding a box I cannot see if this is just an attempt to torture me,

because the box is empty, or is Pandora trying to protect me by hiding something. Something

that would send my life crashing and burning one more time. I say one, but who knows many

more times she has in mind.

‘Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional’.

It just caught me off guard, that’s all. I have let most of it go, and it wasn’t hurting anymore.

So it comes as a bit of a surprise that it still manages to cause pain. But if we have managed

all of that, we will manage this as well, eh world?

I come to the Casino at the End of the World just as Pandora is leaving. Boxless, which I

thought was kind of ironic. Where are you going to hide all your cheating cards, girl? You’ve

got no sleeves!

Once I’m inside I cannot seem to make up my mind. Which game to play, which table to

choose. Should I gamble? I feel old and everyone in here feels too young to be here. But if I

still want to gamble, do I need to find another Casino? I check around, metaphorically, the End

of the World, and there is not much to choose from.

Boxless Pandora may have gotten it right this time.

From books:

“Let me finish my beer.

Of course. The end of the world can wait.”

ºWish for something moreº

 I am sooooooo freaking happy!

I was walking home today at 6 a.m. with a smile on my face. Just happy. Just. 

I have spent my night with a dear friend talking of everything and nothing at the same time. Just reminiscing about the old days, new days, old relationships, current relationships, friendships, friends and so much more.

I am just happy. And young enough to still be able to come home after 7 a.m. with a smile on my face and grateful for my life. Just in general. Happy and grateful. 

It's everything that's beautiful.

From songs: 

Nothing is wasted and life is worth living

Heaven is nowhere, just look to the stars

There is a day that is yours for embracing

Everything's nothing, and nothing is ours

I always appreciated it, but it is nice to reassure yourself with a good people and amazing nights (and mornings!). Such a good night..

From memories:

I want to thank you for never making me to do a shame walk. As I walked home today at the time of 'shame of walk' usually happens I remembered you. I never had a feeling of shame walking when I was with you. It's nice, because it's so rare, but it's extra nice because it should be a standard. 

I still sometimes think of you and from the bottom of my heart I hope you are doing well. You are a good person and I can only hope you are realizing that you are.

I know you loved me. Even if you won't admit it now, even to yourself. Some things cannot be faked. And it 's okay. I loved you too.

I know you still love me. In some hidden, forgotten way, taken away by life turns, but it's okay. As long as you are true to yourself and still happy. Because if you are happy, I am too, for you. The tree might be gone (who would have thought?), but the feeling stays. There's too much there to just die into silence.

I don't want to die into the silence.

It may have taken me some time, but it got there. I got true to myself and it has left me content. Real kind of content. I can only wish the same for you, but I cannot grant it.

From the casino at the end of the world:

The bets were placed quite a while ago. Some of us lost, some of us won. I bet on a red this time and you know what? I won. 

ºChaotic Harmonyº

 A friend has asked me recently if I am still writing and I had to admit that it’s been a while. Then I opened this blog and it’s been almost a year. Almost a year of so many things to happen, quite a few trips, lots of pictures taken, many emotions were felt and yet, still no writing. I like to say that I do not have time for it, when in fact, it’s not the time, it’s more the timing. The timing and the fact that it’s been a while my heart’s been broken.

I used to carry a notebook with me everywhere I went. So when a thought popped into my head I was able to write it down, put my words onto paper and now I don’t even own a notebook. So the thoughts pop in, pop out and by the time I am in front of the computer, they fade away like yesterday’s jam.

But the more real reason I am writing so sporadically these days, is because most of my writing came mostly from a broken heart. I do not consider myself an artist, but I do understand how so much art is full of pain, smells of heartache, is filled with tears and negative emotions. I guess this means I have been quite happy recently. And that should kindle some joy.

From the books:

“If you can love someone with your whole heart, even one person, then there's salvation in life. Even if you can't get together with that person.”

I miss my trips to the casino at the end of the world. I miss solo travels. I even miss the heartbreaks sometimes. Not in a sense that I would like to be hurt or that life only has meaning if I feel hurt, but I miss being able to express myself in writing more often than not.

“Don’t date a girl who travels. She’s the one with the messy hair, coloured by the sun. Her soul craves for new experiences and adventures”

I remember them sometimes. A strange detail of the day will bring the weirdest memory, something that has not been hidden, but was sitting in plain sight completely unnoticed for whatever reason, not even an important one, but completely forgotten. I like it. I used to like taking a walk down memory lane, where I would walk those corridors for hours, remembering the smell, the touch, the kiss or the conversation. It’s been a while since I took that tour and I guess it has missed me, because it likes to leave crumbs of them here and there for me to notice, for me to remember and smile. Because it’s never the bad memory, and even if it is a bad one, it doesn’t sting. I suppose this is why I always loved those “Before XXX” movies. It’s a shame they missed the window and did not create the 4th one.

From the movies:

“You know what's the worst thing about somebody breaking up with you? It's when you remember how little you thought about the people you broke up with and you realize that is how little they're thinking of you. You know, you'd like to think you're both in all this pain but they're just like "Hey, I'm glad you're gone".”