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Off Topic
It was not
my smartest move, but somehow I feel like I needed this to continue with my
life. Except that I was expecting to be stronger, having it all figured out and
finally knowing better. Well didn’t that just flash in front of my eyes and
shattered like a house of cards.
And it‘s
not even the heart breaking part that caused the blow. Although I won‘t deny
it, this one will probably never go away and will be continuously celebrating
anniversaries by yet another break. I can survive it, because I know that all
those years ago, on that magical island and then back on the mainland, in those
arms I was the happiest I could ever be. And so were you. And no matter what,
this can never be taken away from me. I may have bet everything I ever had and
will ever have on our number at the roulette in the casino at the end of the
world and then lost it absolutely all, at least I had my chance and I took it.
I may have done lots, really freaking many mistakes during, after and then
later after, I still opened my heart and allowed myself to find home in you,
which later was taken away from me and almost killed me. But at least for that
brief moment, when your window was open, I got to experience what I honestly
never thought was possible to feel.
The biggest
shock was an eyes-opening realization how far have I come from the road I always
wanted to take in my life. It’s like I was hiding from myself and living in a
pretty convincing denial of a life I have never wanted, but persuaded myself
that this is the right way to go. Even more, I was so deep in this rabbit hole,
that I was sure I know better, I am stronger, I can handle whatever comes my
way. And then you came and blew my cover, opened all open wounds and took away
the shelter I have created to hide myself from my true self. Not enough I was
not better off than I thought, I was so far from my old true self, that I could
not even remember how to go around and be me.
And that is
scary. But also kind of freeing. Now all is left is to change my life
completely and go get myself back.
Wish me
luck.
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