°Caramel shaped teddy bears°

I moved. Again. Sure, one would say that is the Murphy's law that the first night I was in my new place, a hitman who killed two people and injured five policemen was killed fairly close to my new home. It is still a little strange bike in the streets here in the neighborhood thinking which corner is which.

But well, I got new home. I also got an interview in a very interesing and exciting company fot a job I know I can do and do well. Everything seems to me getting in order.

When why do I feel like Billie Myers?

I tried to make macarons again. Why do I even bother? They never come out the way they should. Or the way I want them to. Am I asking too much? It was a failure. I was promised they taste still good, so I guess I got that going for me.

Will you still love me?

Off Topic

I feel like I am being punished. And maybe I am. And maybe I deserve that. It's just.. is it worth it?

I know you will.. I know you will.. I know that you will.

°Black Hole Sun°

My week did not have the best start. I forgot the keys to my bike lock and I only realized that in front of my school, about 25 minutes away from the place I call home for the time being. After some contemplation I have decided to throw some money to the problem, buy a crappy lock [still a lock though!] and concentrate on what I came here to do. To look for a future working place. It was going well, I managed to send in two applications, before my computer decided it is time for him to restart. Little did I know that he will take my password away.

So here I am, sitting in front of it, waiting for a friend who also happens to have my password, getting hungrier and hungrier by the minute and still no internet to use. Which gives me an opportunity to think things through. I have to say - I really don't need that right now.

I need not to think. And yet, I have to.

I really have no idea how I got here. Never was my intentions to mess it all up like that. I am going back again and again in my mind and it still does not give me the answers I need. I know I did wrong, but my intentions were good. Like in that saying, that I always had a feeling I will understand one day `Intentions were good, but the results were bad`. Now where do I go? How do I make things right? Which buttons to I press and what gestures do I put on the table?

All I wanted was to get back to the casino at the end of the world. Sit at a poker table one last time. See the roulette spin one last time. Make the last bet. Not even a bet, just leave it on the table and walk away. Happy in a way, that I do not owe anything to that casino anymore. And close the door.

My Monday contemplations got interrupted as my friend came by with even a worse beginning of the week. My mouth shut right away and will to complain vanished. And after some quality time at school I headed home.

It was a very nice evening with a lot of Coldplay, really good lasagna [even if I say so myself], some good movies and a sudden realization that I may have damaged the best thing that has ever happened to me. I need to find a way to fix it. I need to speak up. I just find it a mission impossible to find the right timing and the right wording.

One can only hope Coldplay is not always right.

°Little talks°

I have been struggling with my homelessness in the last week and I could not decide how to feel about it. I have amazing people around me who are going the extra mile to help me, but I cannot help but feel homeless. And even though I am thankful for everything, that little beast inside of me is going crazy and trying to get out.

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Just yesterday I had an interview for a place and a position that I really really REALLY want. I am still not completely confident about how it went, I am usually very critical for myself and always find my weak spots, but I honestly hope that they managed to notice my bit wish to get it, my potential to be a good asset to a company and my willingness to do anything to get that position.

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It is time to take a moment, breath in, breath out, not allow myself to have another heart attack and keep my optimistic mind in set. I do not have the luxury to give up. I cannot stop believing. And even if I see it slipping from my hands, I am not allowed not to try. 

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°Looks like we made it°

One year older. And not a tiny bit wiser.
The story of my life. When will I learn?

Entering 30 left me homeless, jobless and even more -less. Of course, I have amazing people around me who are willing to help me, finding cars and time to help me move, offering me their home and couches for unlimited amount of time, even offering a room for a little longer so I don't feel like a completely useless homeless and jobless.

I'm in a big need of a miracle. OR just a good luck. Or anything. Something to know that whatever I am doing is not for nothing.

On the other hand, my birthday was one of the best in my life. So far. We went clay pigeon shooting. Out of 25 I managed to hit a few. It kind of did not matter that much, it was just an amazing sunny day, great company and awesome trainer, so in the end, even if most of my clay pigeons flew untouched, I felt like a winner.

On my actual birthday I had to work and then got some unpleasant experience while looking for a place to live, but soon it did not matter, when I got a full service in a small and cozy, very Italiany restaurant, full of Italian tasty dishes, pizzas, wine, even sparkling wine and, of course, tiramisu for the dessert. I even got cards, yes, not one card, many of them, gifts, flowers, a walk along the Nyhavn. It was amazing.

And the moments like that give me strength not to give up, to try again, and even if fail, try again.

I guess I did become a tiny bit wiser after getting a little older. I am no longer allow myself to become pessimistic. No longer have the ability or luxury for it. I have to believe, because that is the only thing that I got left.