° Colorblind dreams°

Life recently pretty much was bed-food-work-bed-bed-work-food-bed-work-food endless carousel. I have to say, at the moments I was so weak and fragile, I just wanted to cry. And the other moments I thought I am not going to be able to go on. It was too much. Simply too much. You know how it feels when you have to work 10 hours straight, but your head is spinning, your voice is gone and your eyes hurt every time you move them and on top of that – total body weakness just pushes you down to the ground.

But I survived. I mean, I had no choice. I had to.

Good thing is sweethearts colleagues who come in help. Jose made me some tea to bring home and drink it non-stop. Lasse was giving me cakes, as usual [well, okay, it’s no help for my health issues, but it makes me feel better. And besides, it’s cakes, you know] and all those conversations, laughs and discussions, that would help to forget I feel like crap.

And one day after work going back home just did not feel exactly right. There was some pain in the same place where my `scar` was/is and the next morning it was official. Infection. Again. It hurts, it disturbs my work, even my walk, not talking about biking. Feeling miserable did not help, my own medications also, so I had to go to the doctor again. I could only hope that this time she would come to the senses and instead of antibiotics she would send me to get seriously fixed.

I got lucky. She made a suggestion, I took it, she made an appointment and the next day I found myself biking towards the airport. I can be completely honest here – I was scared to death. Yes, it is a simple procedure, simple cut without full narcosis. Still, being cut open for the first time seemed like a very big deal to me. So, without too much of sleep but with eyes full of fear, I headed to the surgeon. The doctor seemed to be extremely nice and sweet. The whole `operation` took no more than 10 minutes and I was let to go home. I was so happy, almost as if it was Christmas and my birthday and our anniversary in one day. Silly, I know to be so afraid of such a little thing. Still, it was my new first, inexperienced, yet very necessary. I lost my `being cut` virginity there and then. I also have three stitches [if I can count correctly] and again – for the first time. And after all of that happiness, the sadness came. I desperately needed someone to hold my hand, to hug me and just be there for me. Instead, there was just me and no one else. I haven’t so lonely for a long time now.

Of course, I had not much time to feel sorry for myself, since work was calling me to come. And then the same the next day. And the next. And, of course, the next as well.

I have been working long hours on Saturday, then played doctors with Alex [trying to fix his bleeding palm], had a pint, then another one and finally went home. New thing – I was supposed to open the pub the next morning. So I woke up in the early morning and I could see the roof of the next building through my window. It looked white. I kind of couldn’t believe my eyes, so I stood up and there it was – my Christmas. It was all white, still staying, my bike was covered with white magic, just like everything else. It started snowing even harder when I started biking to work and you know what – that just made my day. White magic has arrived. Which means I will survive whatever that is or will be. Of course it all disappeared and by now there are only little reminders that is snowed at some point here. But it will get back. I will get my winter. Just like I get everything I want. Maybe later than sooner, maybe after hard and tiring work. But I get. And so I will today.

Off Topic

I am not sure. Maybe I am asking too much. But is it too much to ask you to keep your word? Nothing more, just do what you say, say what you mean. Is that so hard? Do we live in the society where that is already irrelevant? I want to make peace with myself and with the world, but you won’t let me. Please stop killing my rain forest.

I was so happy and so excited I will finally get to see Muse. They are to die for. And now, only a week before the big deal they canceled. It feels like once you joined forces with the world you decided to take me down. And it works. Taking away Muse was one really cruel thing to do. And even though I started getting snow and covering of my shifts and all of that.. It still does not seem enough. Another question is now. Do I buy the ticket for them again? In another side of Europe? Or will you take that away from me as well?

It’s amazing how some people just seem to keep you in the dark for so long and then surprise you with appearance. Just like that. Bring warmth and that feeling that you are actually needed or important. Small detail that makes you get out of bed and go. Do what you have to do. Make the impossible. Somehow it makes me wonder.. Was that the real reason for me to get into that event? Was that supposed to be You and not another You? What if all this time I was reading the cards wrong? Should I have not listened to those opinions and not follow the prejudice? Was I supposed to make my own judgment? After all, you held my hand. Just the way I needed. At the time I needed.

Too bad clock is ticking not to the right direction.

<…>

I write him letters just a few short lines
And I suffer death ten thousand times

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Interesting. I will always be that special one. Yet, not that special one.