°Fighting the demons°

Once again, I forgot to write. Well, to be honest, I did not forget. I just had simply too many things on my hands. And in my head. The world is spinning, my head is too and the worst thing is.. I cannot say it out loud. Not because of me. But because of you. And you. And, sadly enough, even you.

I’ve been working a lot. Here and there. Every single day. It was a non stop marathon where at moments I thought I cannot. But still I could. Well, is there any way to escape though?

My last shift in the conference center was great. It was long hours, tiring and kind of hard at moments, but great people to work with and all those last hugs were worth it all. I ended up bringing some cake to the Dubliner’s staff [which they said they liked] at the end.

And then Monika got older! I was a little late for her party, because I had to work [but of course]. Still, I managed to get a mojito, meet some new people, dance, laugh and talk and congratulate her on this very special occasion.

And then there was the Dubliner. Long hours during and after the shifts.

And then there was Christmas shopping. Some on-line, some on-real-way, like a normal people do. The good part was – I had a great company, so it wasn’t so terrible. We walked around all those shops, making fun of things and looking for toys to play. We ended up having fancy dinner out [well, fancy to me, since I don’t do that] with beer. The time just flew. I realized there and then how much I miss that. Small little things, but the ones that you enjoy.

I even managed to get to the post office finally and send those few [way too little, but it’s get harder and harder with all of the technologies and people using e-mails instead of mails] postcards and that one little package, that I can only hope will make that person smile. Nothing else, just as promised. Just a smile.

And that is, let’s say, it. It’s killing me at points when I cannot share few details. But that is how it is.

Christmas in Denmark is over. No more snow, all melted and is gone. Rain is reminding still that we are still in the cold season, but there is no more magical white things falling from the sky. And in two days I am heading to the airport and going back to Lithuania. Just a few days, but hopefully I will be able to see snow, feel snow, walk out path with Inga, drink glogg with Goda, share talks in the balcony with Ieva, share… well, everything with Simona, meet Wycka.. And others, that I miserably failed to mention, of course. Well, who is counting anyways?

Off Topic

Somehow I let you back in. And you seem very much into it. Of course, you are getting annoyed, because I am not the same, but can you blame me? It’s been one day before the full moon and you know what full moon does to me.

I had a perfect dream you know. Well, not perfect dream, but the perfect guy. And the way we felt and we way we were was so perfect, that I did not want to wake up. I was REALLY in love. Now I only need to find him.

You are walking the blade. You are dancing on a thin ice. And this is your choice. My only question is.. why am I letting you drag me together? That ship has sailed, this one won’t. But we are able to definitely crack it seriously. I know it’s time to press the logic button, but somehow it seems stuck.

Just like in that song, that was never sang out loud: `you need to start loving your girl more. And soon`.

And there it is.. That little bite, that is ripping it out. I don’t want this, but I have no saying in it. And I’d do anything to change it, but I can’t. it’s not my fault and it’s not my problem, somehow still, it feels like it’s my responsibility. Which is silly. And yet again.. I was never really smart.

Smile. Because I want to have your picture. Please?

° Colorblind dreams°

Life recently pretty much was bed-food-work-bed-bed-work-food-bed-work-food endless carousel. I have to say, at the moments I was so weak and fragile, I just wanted to cry. And the other moments I thought I am not going to be able to go on. It was too much. Simply too much. You know how it feels when you have to work 10 hours straight, but your head is spinning, your voice is gone and your eyes hurt every time you move them and on top of that – total body weakness just pushes you down to the ground.

But I survived. I mean, I had no choice. I had to.

Good thing is sweethearts colleagues who come in help. Jose made me some tea to bring home and drink it non-stop. Lasse was giving me cakes, as usual [well, okay, it’s no help for my health issues, but it makes me feel better. And besides, it’s cakes, you know] and all those conversations, laughs and discussions, that would help to forget I feel like crap.

And one day after work going back home just did not feel exactly right. There was some pain in the same place where my `scar` was/is and the next morning it was official. Infection. Again. It hurts, it disturbs my work, even my walk, not talking about biking. Feeling miserable did not help, my own medications also, so I had to go to the doctor again. I could only hope that this time she would come to the senses and instead of antibiotics she would send me to get seriously fixed.

I got lucky. She made a suggestion, I took it, she made an appointment and the next day I found myself biking towards the airport. I can be completely honest here – I was scared to death. Yes, it is a simple procedure, simple cut without full narcosis. Still, being cut open for the first time seemed like a very big deal to me. So, without too much of sleep but with eyes full of fear, I headed to the surgeon. The doctor seemed to be extremely nice and sweet. The whole `operation` took no more than 10 minutes and I was let to go home. I was so happy, almost as if it was Christmas and my birthday and our anniversary in one day. Silly, I know to be so afraid of such a little thing. Still, it was my new first, inexperienced, yet very necessary. I lost my `being cut` virginity there and then. I also have three stitches [if I can count correctly] and again – for the first time. And after all of that happiness, the sadness came. I desperately needed someone to hold my hand, to hug me and just be there for me. Instead, there was just me and no one else. I haven’t so lonely for a long time now.

Of course, I had not much time to feel sorry for myself, since work was calling me to come. And then the same the next day. And the next. And, of course, the next as well.

I have been working long hours on Saturday, then played doctors with Alex [trying to fix his bleeding palm], had a pint, then another one and finally went home. New thing – I was supposed to open the pub the next morning. So I woke up in the early morning and I could see the roof of the next building through my window. It looked white. I kind of couldn’t believe my eyes, so I stood up and there it was – my Christmas. It was all white, still staying, my bike was covered with white magic, just like everything else. It started snowing even harder when I started biking to work and you know what – that just made my day. White magic has arrived. Which means I will survive whatever that is or will be. Of course it all disappeared and by now there are only little reminders that is snowed at some point here. But it will get back. I will get my winter. Just like I get everything I want. Maybe later than sooner, maybe after hard and tiring work. But I get. And so I will today.

Off Topic

I am not sure. Maybe I am asking too much. But is it too much to ask you to keep your word? Nothing more, just do what you say, say what you mean. Is that so hard? Do we live in the society where that is already irrelevant? I want to make peace with myself and with the world, but you won’t let me. Please stop killing my rain forest.

I was so happy and so excited I will finally get to see Muse. They are to die for. And now, only a week before the big deal they canceled. It feels like once you joined forces with the world you decided to take me down. And it works. Taking away Muse was one really cruel thing to do. And even though I started getting snow and covering of my shifts and all of that.. It still does not seem enough. Another question is now. Do I buy the ticket for them again? In another side of Europe? Or will you take that away from me as well?

It’s amazing how some people just seem to keep you in the dark for so long and then surprise you with appearance. Just like that. Bring warmth and that feeling that you are actually needed or important. Small detail that makes you get out of bed and go. Do what you have to do. Make the impossible. Somehow it makes me wonder.. Was that the real reason for me to get into that event? Was that supposed to be You and not another You? What if all this time I was reading the cards wrong? Should I have not listened to those opinions and not follow the prejudice? Was I supposed to make my own judgment? After all, you held my hand. Just the way I needed. At the time I needed.

Too bad clock is ticking not to the right direction.

<…>

I write him letters just a few short lines
And I suffer death ten thousand times

<…>

Interesting. I will always be that special one. Yet, not that special one.