°Every siren is a symphony°

It’s been a while. So little time and so many things are happening. And yet again, there is nothing to say out loud. Or type. Or anything.

It’s been a lot of work and not so much fun recently. Working for 13 days in a row and then only enjoying one day off, which is not enjoying at all, but doing all the things you were not able to do at those busy days is somewhat tiring. And I am tired. Of it all. I am happy on some level but I am not at my best. But it’s unavoidable, since, not like some people, I do not get everything on a golden plate. I actually have to work hard to achieve.

I finally did my shopping. And you should have seen the smile on my face when my new baby, my camera arrived. It was like Christmas and birthday at the same day. Happy like a little kid. All it takes is just a piece of a cleverly put electronics together to make me smile with laughter. Have you experienced that?

All the rest is still the same. I still have that stupid insomnia that makes me not sleep during the nights and then constantly tired during the day. And no, I have not considered taking medications for that. I refuse to believe that I have a serious condition there. It’s only insomnia. And I will beat it my own way. As for the panic attacks.. Those will fade as well. I finally learned to live with them and they are not as scary as that monster, coming out of the closet when I was just a little child.

I managed one more `to die for` from my list. And I have to thank the world for that. I asked, I made a deal and it delayed the fight for this. I got to see Coldplay. And it was an unforgettable memory that will not go away that easy. It started with Charli XCX. Her music was okay, but all I could think was `girl, who is dressing you?`. It was bad [to my eyes at least anyways], really bad. After her Marina and the Diamonds came and cheered my heart. While listening to `Primadonna` I was only thinking of that one person, who’s face is popping every single time in front of me when I hear it. I still cannot forget those eyes and that smile. Once Coldplay showed up, everyone went crazy. There were everything: lights, fireworks, lasers, you name it. And all those good old songs and new good songs.. Oh my.. That was definitely to die for. I still cannot stop listening to them. And after the concert I went to say hello to Mantas and to Michael, since I promised him that. In the Dubliner I met Gosia, Alan and a friend of his and stayed for a drink. One drink turned into several and before I knew I was helping them closing and finally, after leaving everyone inside, I went to meet Mr. Sleep. Insomnia was still there, of course, but after a few beers it is easier to beat her. I think she is not big of a drinker anyways.

A few days later we went on a little trip with my other job. We took a boat, went to some kind of an island, where they have all those team building games. It was amazing. I had a lot of fun, even though not understanding the language made it a little hard to be a part of the team, but I still managed to give advices to help to improve. It was a big amount of fun and joy, then some food and then some time of doing nothing. We had a little too much time as such, nothing to do, a little too cold for walks and all that. Still that was one of the best days in here. Especially for that little message I’ve got and proved me right. I knew it. And even though it did not lead to nowhere. Now I know. And now it is easier to play. Keep on going!

Of course I brought my bubble gun to the trip as well. And as little as fun it might look for some, I had tones of fun. I went on swings, I played with bubbles, I attracted some more people with that. I let myself being a little kid again for a change. Who smiles at such little thing as soap bubbles.

Off topic

Watching Gossip Girl made me realize how little drama there is in my life. And after finishing watching it, I got the whole GG’s style drama in my own life. It affected me more than I could have imagined, although thanks to that one person I managed to overcome it. That wasn’t my drama. I just somehow got involved in it. At the end I lost faith in a lot of people. But then again, I decided to try and give a second chance to one of them. Huge attempt and honest regret together with actions made me realize I did not make a mistake this time. I may never trust that person the way I trusted before, but I know that if I ever need, I will always have a friend to take my pint for me. It’s funny how in the middle of it all the person I did not even know before, was there for me. Not judging, not telling what to do, just being there. For me. Just like that. Faith in people is back on again.

Which reminded me of that one person. Who never ever judged me, who never requested for anything and yet, gave plenty. Who was always there for me and still is. Who is a true real friend that, at some point in my life, I thought only exists in fiction. True friends are for keeping and even though it took me a while to get there, I’ll try to keep this one. Selfish, you may say, and I would not disagree. But this is what true friends are for.

How important and how real is `Love` word for you? I guess I will never know. Because I will never ask. And you will never explain. Because you may not even remember of that moment. But I know that on some level you will always love me. Because you see something in me you wish you had. It’s never too late though, you know? You can still be whatever you want to be.

The more I live the better I understand. I am what I make myself. And I will be where I want to be. If I get stuck, it’s my own lack of believing. Or strength. Or anything. But I will always be honest with myself. And I will always be what I want to be.

It’s amazing how even after all those years you manage that. Despite of all my effort to keep the distance, not to get involved and being away. I still cannot run away from it. Is there a cure? Or is it simply faith and I just have to run with the flow. `See me ASAP`. And you don’t even mention where. I can do the timing, but you have to give me coordinates.

`Always  yours`. This goes both ways. Until the day of the papers to be signed.

I may never get over this. But it’s a lie. I just don’t want to get over this. I want and I can see I am moving forward. But at some point it will be your turn. Are you ready to try? Just say yes.

I know you meant that. And even though I may never get to the point where I get the actual answer, it’s enough for now. I have been right and it feels good. Not the being right part. But that part where that is actually true. It seems like we are building it. A bit after bit. This is going to be some big and strong thing. I’m just happy we did not screw this one up. Now.. almost nothing can tear that up. Do you smile too?

I have experienced blue moon. Michael got socks and I got this strange feeling. No wonder those things only happing on blue moon. And now, after almost a year, one night after the Blue Moon night I missed my misery of Santiago. Never thought it would happen. I guess I can still surprise me after all.

A thought. Why does growing up always comes in a package of boredom? I want those funny looking socks with hands and faces. No matter what others think. It’s cool. And it’s fun. And it’s me.

I had one more, completely unexpected, not tearless wave. It’s just this time it felt like healing. I think I may have done the impossible once again. Just a constant check-up, as a bad habit is left. I did not even rushed when I had a decent excuse. How cool am I?

I’m gonna run away. Not like Lola. I’ll take the Logan’s run. And there will only probably be one person to irritate me instead of holding my hand. What do you say world? Next pay-day? I’m on it.

Just like he said – it’s us against the world. And by us I mean me and Steffany. Because when it comes down to that – she is the only one on my side. Too bad world have one too many of the back ups. But we are becoming a stronger force. You are no longer in a picture.

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When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach so

She ran away in her sleep

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Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly 
Every tear a waterfall 
In the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes
In the night the stormy night away she'd fly
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And so lying underneath those stormy skies
She'd say, "oh, ohohohoh I know the sun must set to rise

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