°And the other shoe dropped°

Have you ever been to Copenhagen? It’s not as bad as I used to say. It’s actually nice. Or maybe it’s me who’s changed. After several conversations with some very honest people I got to get to the point where I had to admit. That girl was really a mess. The one I was before. In the past. Good it is the past, anyways.

For the last three weeks I have just been living. In fact, I have been living a good, damn good, life. Of course, I could have easily got back to the old self and freak out, but to be honest – I cannot allow myself that. Besides, my optimistic side of me would never allow me that.

Almost every day I have been going to school. I finally managed to find a topic and get it approved by my professor. So first big, huge in fact step is done and now I only need to actually get down to it, work hard and write it. The topic is actually interesting to me and I just need a good old kick in my ass. Who would volunteer for the job? I’m very available. I hope you are too.

My psychedelic part is very alive though. You may get surprised by the things you may read. You may not understand what you read. I can just give you the heads up – I am not going to Christiana. I am not smoking anything that is illegal. I am not taking anything that would even become doubtful if it is legal or not. I am completely sane. And still, with that little insane part that makes me smile like crazy and you call me psycho. Have I ever mentioned that I take it as a compliment? Always. How’s that?

So despite going and trying to find a topic for my thesis I have been non-stop applying for jobs. And that part is frustrating. It’s like fighting a wind mill and can I just say – I’m getting tired of this. I look at the advertisement, I see I am 100% suitable according to the requirements and then after I get an answer – we are sorry to inform you, but the decided to continue with candidates you are more suitable for the position. How come? If I am 100% suitable, what are they? Well ok, I do not care that much anymore. My skin is way thicker than it was before. I still don’t loose hope. Something will open up right? It just has to. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Thanks in advance.

The rest is life much fun. Monika and I engage ourselves in interesting conversations from time to time. It’s really fun and relaxing living with her. She has straight opinion about everything and sometimes we have different opinions, but that doesn’t make things worse. Better – maybe. But worse – never. We watch movies, we watch comedy things, we share ideas and secrets. We actually are enjoying it all.

One weekend I had my own `party` day and night. I met a friend, who is going to some special place and we will not see each other for at least 8 months. Maybe more, who knows. We definitely do not know. I met him and his friend already after couple of drinks, so they were a little out of their faces. Despite that we managed to get to another bar, have some more drinks, place some table football [if you tell me how to spell that damn foo’s-ball, next time I will use a correct name for it] and waited for the time when they had to go and meet some more friends. Somehow I ended up joining them as well. We went to some friend’s of my friend’s place, had some more drinks, had some fun, but I became tired and really tired and since it was already clear we are not going anywhere after, I headed home. That was a little challenge, since I have never been to that place before, so even though I knew approximate way to get back home, with the night and all – wasn’t that simple. I managed though. I got back and let myself to sleep.

On 1^st of May we went to the park with some of Monika’s friends. We enjoyed the sun and summer feeling weather. It was a great day and we ended up at Mantas’s bar. There I spent most of my time talking to one of the regulars and keeping an eye on Monika’s friends, who were there with me. I walked one of them to the metro and then headed back home in a cold but sweet night.

I went to the Dubs for my papers one day and got none. Well, who would be surprised, right? So instead I stayed there and talked with a bartender. He is a flirting master, even though still young comparing to me, but I learned a lot about him. Works in the bars almost all of his life, plays guitar and can sing.. We had a nice talk and decided to continue another day, maybe after one of the shifts.

I had an interview in another irish looking and sounding pub. I think I looked ok there, I have experience, I had no troubles with time and flexibility, I had no problems working at nights and all, but I never got a call back. So probably.. I did not get it. Well, bad things happen to good people right?

We also had a little goodbye dinner with Monika’s flat mate who left couple of days earlier. I made chicken curry and was so proud of it.. It was almost perfect. Really, really good. We went for a walk after and stayed a little in the park in the sun. we played on swings and even had some pictures as proofs [not me, I am still waiting for donations to get myself a camera].

And all the rest.. Business as usual. I think I am getting used to the place and people and weather and my life. I still feel optimistic and good. Something definitely changed inside of me. Maybe I should thank you this time?

Off Topic

I am still fighting me demons. I am trying to make friends with some. Apparently they are like Danes, they have enough friends. So I cannot be one of them. So I still need to fight. I still don’t get it, because I can see it myself – I am ruining the whole thing, not them. I am putting my head in a whole and then I am somehow surprised why someone tries to bite it off. Maybe I should experience with some new weapons? Bow and arrows could be nice. At least I could fight my demons from the distance?

Once I got to CBS I instantly remembered of this one quote I read in on bar in Santa Marta [city, not person]: Life was so much easier when apples and blackberries were just fruits. I am not kidding, more than half of those fancy kids in have apple computers. It’s like contagious disease. At that instant moment, I stopped wanting an apple. Just like that, immediate unwanting feeling. Almost as I stopped wanting you, now I stopped wanting apple. Man, that must be some great immune system I’ve got.

But surprisingly, turns out that those posy CBS kids have their own charm as well. Some guy who was sitting next to me at the library went away for several minutes, so his friends put a picture of a half naked gay guy on his desktop. That made me laugh as well. Maybe not everything is lost irreversibly?

I’ve got one pretty an okey day at school. On my way back I was asked to buy something from the shop so I passed through our place and went straight. That’s when I started hearing strange noises and my bike’s chain stopped spinning. Apparently, I lost one of the little stars. That just became a very shitty day I thought, but I managed to collect all of the lost details, go to shop and by what was needed. I got back to the entrance of the place and tried to fix my bike. I already almost made it right, but it was still not working and I was already covered all in black. I was cursing badly, since I started hating the day. I mean, come on.. it’s my bike, my baby, my Houston Madison, my vehicle.. and then some elder guy went by and asked if I needed help. I told him that I think I’ve got it and he pointed me where that little star was supposed to be. I tried to fix it again, but it was hard with no tools [I have two tools but apparently my bike breaks in the places where you need some other kind of tools]. So the guy went to his car, took a little thingie and stayed there with me till I fixed the bike. I was so happy and so thankful for him, I could hardly hold my smile on my face. He even gave me his gloves as if `for the next time`, told me where he lives and that he has been working with cars all of his life, so he could help me any time if I needed some help. So an okey day went from okey to bad and then from bad to awesome. That guy completely made my day. I was finally so f…. happy I could s… rainbows.

I had several very strange feeling on my first shift in the Dubs. To begin with – it was so much easier than I remembered. It was much easier to smile and be nice to people. Staff was unbelievable, complete sweethearts but also, very young. And then I met Granty and talked to him it seemed as if nothing has changed. And yet again, once he told me what I have never actually forgot, but never thought for a second it could be true, hit me. Was he for real? Why is it always, when I wonder and doubt, it turns out to be true. Have I made a mistake? We may have possibility to check it out. But I was too shocked to ask for more.

…………………………………………………..

This is where it takes us.

I thought of sending you an e-mail. O maybe an actual mail. Unload it all, or ask the questions you would rather not answer. Finally I decided against it all.

I will give you a chance to unload it. Or maybe forget it. Or maybe keep it on a permanent `what if` level.

This time everything changed. Not sure if you noticed that, but I did. We are not as we used to be. And we react differently. Maybe we grew up. But maybe we will do the same mistake all over again.

This last call and the unspoken messages in it were significant.

And yet.. We almost had it all.

I’m happy. How about you?

Don’t worry. I will never grow up. I will never slow down. I will never try to chase you down.

…………………………………………………

Funny how this time there is no one to hold my hand. And I am not even sure I need someone to hold my hand. I am pretty good with holding it myself. I think I am not afraid of myself anymore.

But can I tell you the secret? You made a mistake. You’ve lost it. And now it will never be the same again. My heart’s not in it. It’s never coming back. No second chances and no regrets. Over.

It either funny or sad. But I went through this as well. And he, yes he, went through this as well. Now it’s your turn. And I would do anything to be there for you, but I can’t. I just know it’s going to be all okey. No words will make it better for you, but it will be fine. Believe in me and I will virtually hold your hand.

Funny how the world turns sometimes. My problems seem so minor comparing to yours right now. I so with I could be there for you. Why is it always something?

I love those moments when the other shoe drops. Do you remember? That time you completely took me by surprise. And even now, after all these years, you still have the same effect on me. Shoe dropping feeling.

<…..>They come out of the blue sky 
But you never know where they're gonna go 
Hey Romeo 
Miller's fingers are traveling down the length of her thigh
But Miller's mind is still wandering
Staring up at the sky 
They come out of the blue sky<.....>

The only song that makes me cry even if I am in a really great, good, awesome mood. The only song that makes my emotions shiver and change rapidly. Is this because of Romeo? Somehow anything that has Romeo inside has a little too big of an effect on me.

This one could be our song:

<.....>And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive<....>

Better not though. Too many memories are attached to this one already. Besides, we almost had it all.