.LT. Around.

Panic attack

My life back in Lithuania greeted me with a panic attack. No, not the real one, when you pass out in the middle of the street and you definitely need some medication. It’s my own kind of thing that I just call a panic attack. I don’t know, maybe I like the name. I don’t like the feeling, though. It sucks, really. It starts with a little fear that grows rapidly and then you realize that you are afraid of everything. And when I say everything, I mean literally – everything. Most people might think I’m exaggerating, but I start being afraid of: touching handles, walking on the path, locking/unlocking doors, drinking water, breathing, speaking, putting on shoes… It’s endless list, since, as I already mentioned, it’s everything.

I got rid of it fast enough, still not sure how, though. Too many things happening and too big mess in my head probably did the thing. Still feeling strange. And just when I thought that this time, differently from other times, I managed to get back and not to freak out. Maybe I am not that different after all.


Culture shock

I got back and got into my own little circle, where everything seemed to be in order. I was packed with stuff to do. And after a little time I got my culture shock. Everything suddenly started to look wrong. I started missing Thailand and all of my friends I met during the last half a year. I started having sleepless nights and nightmares during those, that brought me back to `what the hell am I doing here?` period. I was wondering in the beginning what that is, and then it hit me, just as a déjà vu – it is my culture shock. And yes I know, usually people experience that once they leave their `home country`. Not for me, though. Maybe the problem is, I never really felt being `at home` in my `home country`. Strange feeling. No matter how I am declaring that I am a citizen of the world, in that little hidden pocket in that small muscle that people call heart, I wish I had home, where I actually felt at home.

And the irony is – I found that place. Portable place. It’s just, as always, the world is smiling with that mean sneaky smile, and keeps my portable home far away from me.


Looking for the apartment

My search for an apartment turned out into being a bit of a mess. I called for the apartment I chose and I was just waiting for the contract and a call from the lady. I got the call, but it wasn’t very promising. She asked me if I rented the place and I answered all confused `no, I was waiting for you to send me the contract`. Turns out, the owner rented the place for someone else. Damn those people who make commitments and then ditch them.

So I went searching some more. There was not a lot of that would fit me. Yes, I know, I am pretty picky, but I needed a cheap, good place somewhere in the old town. I checked one apartment and was almost taking it, although it was a little expensive for me. So I took a night to think about it, but the next morning I was already sure I am going to take it, I was just waiting for the descent hour to make the call. And then, on the very last minute, I found an attractive apartment for rent. I called the guy immediately and made a meeting to look at the place in the evening. Ieva accompanied me for the look as an objective person. We got to the place and met the guy. I did not know anything about the guy at that moment, but he seemed nice. He showed us a place, it looked like a small, but nice apartment, so I said `Ok, so I will take it`. We decided to meet the other day to sign the contract. I was happy finally having my own place and I am sure Ieva was already happy with the idea that I will be out of her place already.

The next morning I got an e-mail with the contract from the guy. It had his name in it, so I decided to google it. I know, I’m this curious girl, who needs to know everything. I was pleasantly surprised that he is actually a biker [or better – motorcycle fan, since bikers are only riding bikes only during the summer time]. We met in the evening to sign the contract and ended up having beers with him and some of his friends. I am not sure if that is a normal way to communicate with the person from whom you are renting the place, but I guess it was good way for me. And also, the guy was so awesome, that we decided to sign the contract for only 5 months with no problems at all. Usually that is an issue.

I was so lucky with the place that I hardly have words about it. Amazing place, in amazing spot, with an amazing renter [is that a word], and good price as well. Too good to be true? I hope not.


Doubts/decisions/mistakes

I still keep on remembering the quote from Shantaram [and Yes, I’m still strongly recommending to read it for everyone!] `Fate always gives you two choices – the one you should take and the one you do`. And it is almost literally ripping me apart. The thought I might have fallen for the same pattern is not leaving me alone. This feeling inside my chest is softly but strongly pressing my heart so it hurts and that little voice inside my head is whispering I took the other choice, not the right one [No, I am not going to see the doctor because of that little voice in my head. I know, I’m crazy. Psycho maybe. Not insane though].

I guess I will never know now whether it was a right decision or not. I am not even completely sure I want to know.

And still my sixth sense is going crazy and does not let me sleep during the nights. I just feel that happening. Maybe not now, maybe in a month, maybe just as I predicted. I have to get it out of my system, one way or another. I am just damn scared it will go away only with another thought as a company `I knew it all along`.

Little off topic: I have always been wishing you were right. In those moments when I was going crazy and I had a perfect knowledge that if you were not right, my life would change irreversible, I had faith, that at the end you will be right. And you always were. Just like holding my hand, your being right part was like a miracle. With the same enormous amount of expectation, I wish right now I was wrong. Again, only time will tell. And to be honest, I don’t even know what would be better, to be crashed now or build up hopes and then maybe be crashed later. The limits of time.


.Off. So Off Topic.

Once again, I am not running away from my past, I am voluntarily going to wade in it as in the mud. It’s crazy, it’s stupid, it’s irrational. It’s irresistible, it’s addictive, it helps.

Cause when you think about it – memories are the only property I can afford right now. And for that particular memory, I made the impossible – I refused something I had never refused before. It was not a mistake, no wondering about that. But that would definitely [or probably] help me feel better now.

Just remembered this childish `poem`: `I’m still crying, you are still too far away and your face is still, all around the place`. Not sure that’s funny or sad. Is that a boon or doom?

What happens to you or to the world once you start trying to convince yourself [or everyone around maybe] that black is white or that melon has a shape of square. You may be able to convince the world, but can you ever convince yourself?

I once again found myself on the edge of the world. In that famous casino, where I lost my soul once. At the same poker table. And I’m still the same, I still haven’t learned how to play the game. I can cheat, but when you don’t know which card you need, how that could come in handy? Once again, betting my soul and my life, on the same table, just in front of different people. Somehow this time I’m relaxed and confident. Even if I loose it all, I have more than I need. But then again, it always depends on how big are one’s needs. Mine are minimal. No problem, I’m sure of one thing this time – it won’t kill me.

There is still that strange feeling, scratching my lungs as if it was fondled with sandpaper. Little bags of air are popping and it starts to feel hard to breath. Is that a sign? Should I start worrying?

I remember once I told you to start loving your girl much more and soon. Never really thought you would listen. However, I still cannot force myself believing it’s a real love. You never mentioned that either. You just answered the question that has never been asked. In silence. And now we both are out of words. Used them all. It’s almost midnight.

I have asked this question several people already, never got the satisfying answer. What is the smell of tears? But you know me well enough already – I don’t need pink glasses anymore. I’ve got green eyes instead.

.Behind those blue eyes. Is it worth it? I’m starting to have my own doubts. And then I’m getting back to the same `two-choice-choosing the other one` dilemma. I know I should stop questioning, but for once, I would actually like to get some answers. Would you open the door?

Coming back to the old life has its own good and bad parts. Walking same corridors and smelling the same, almost invisible taste of the places made be come back to my old, for some strange and unknown reason for me, left in draft blog entry.

And the funny thing is – even now, after almost two years I can remember how I felt there and then just as if I felt like this a second ago. I made a promise to myself. And now I have to keep it. And if you ask me, if there was/is anything in this building that enjoys me, I don’t need to think before I reply. Because of course there is. The reaper with an umbrella.

No, I’m not afraid to say it out loud: I need you hold my hand [and not to let it go. Not for the third time].

All of those missions impossible. All of those dreams comes, dies and goes. One more dream to kill. That’s the sign of the serial killer. Pretty lame, though. No prepayment, no payment, not even thanks. Just like that reaper with an umbrella – you have no choice, it’s not your way – it’s your ticket to survive.

Moving on.


Turning off, so off topic OFF

On my last day in Hong Kong I was reading my book and being completely only with myself when some guy passed by me and for the reasons I don’t know told me `You are a very lucky person. You have a very lucky face. In the upcoming month you will get three good news. Just sometimes you thing and worry too much about it`. I still cannot get it out of my head. Was he right?